Together 8 years, now with someone else, will he come back?

[fool4luv]

Sorry this is an age old one, but I still don't know how to handle it.

We're both older, and have been together for 8 years, He has 2 kids I have

known all that time and they are 18 and 21 now.

 

 

It's been a very up and down relationship, but we have a special bond and

how ever many times we've split we've always got back together. There has

never been anyone else. Until now! Last year we lived together and worked

abroad for a year and mostly it was dreadful, but then in the last couple

of months we went travelling and it was fantastic. It was everything we have worked for and had been striving for for years, after having to deal with many problems over the years (from inside and outside the relationship). We came home and I needed

to move back over to my home to sort things out, apparently he didn't like

that and within a week he had caused an argument over jealousy. We didn't

talk for 2 weeks and in that time he met someone else!!!.

 

After that was a

few months of 'are we aren't we', and sometimes he saw her sometimes he didn't,

but she really didn't let go and he wasn't very good at getting out of it

either until in the end he said it was finished with us. (That was mid November)

 

 

Yet, we've been on the phone almost everyday, texting each other, he pops round my house

all the time. We spent Christmas day together with the family, he has since

then bought me a present for no reason, told me he has something big on

his mind he wants to talk to me about (but never gets around to it) told me

that he is thinking of ending it with her, gets jealous if I allude to having

anyone else in my life, yet nothing happens and then he mucks around with

arrangements.

 

I decided a month ago to try and stop having any contact

to see if it would make him realise what it was like without me around.

During that time he phoned quite a few times and texted but I didn't reply. Then last week it was his birthday and I decided to try and make contact again, only to find out that he was on holiday with her! (He's known her for 6 months and I suppose has been 'together' with her for 3 months now.

 

 

We have met since then, and once again, that spark is there, I love him as much as I always do, he obviously really likes my company.. (last night we texted over 15 times each)

We just really click like no one else I know, yet.... So people, do you think there is any chance whatsoever in him coming back to me? how should I handle things? btw I am dating (internet guys) and he knows about it)

Also he is a complete and utter

commitment phobe!

Please help!

[cg9328]

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Sounds like he is scared to lose you. I would sit down with him and let him know how you feel. Be completely honest with him. Let him know were you stand. It will be one of the hardest things you will have to do but you never know what could happen. If after that he still does nothing I would move on. To me moving on would show him that you are strong minded and can live without him. There is nothing saying that he might come around later but you have known him for 8 years. try the NC until you get your emotions in check. If he is really good friend he will let you have your space. hope this helps....

[Sharmaine]

Been in 'exactly' the same situation as you a few years ago! I was in a relationship with a guy for 'eight' years too. We split up and got back together constantly throughout those eight years, seemed we couldn't live together, yet we couldn't live without each other either. Something always drew us back to one another. We were engaged to be married and did live with one another at one point, but it didn't work out. He was a 'committment phobe'. I finally sat him down one day and poured out my heart. Told him that I wanted us to be together for 'keeps', that I wanted him to move in with me to try again at making it work. He said he'd think about it, but it didn't happen. And so at that point I'd told him that I thought it best we part the ways for good and not see each other anymore, I ended it. He didn't want to end it, but I told him that it was pointless for it to continue because I wanted more from him than he was prepared to give.

 

Shortly after I broke it all off, he met someone else. Regardless he still would not leave me alone. He'd call me, show up at places where he knew I'd be, said he missed me, told me he still loved me and he always would, he wanted to be with me, even though he was with someone new......talk about being confused. Regardless I'd told him that so long as he was with this other woman, there'd never again be an 'us'. Still, his relationship with her continued, yet he still desperately tried to hang onto me. That is until I met my future husband and we moved away.

 

Fast forward a few years later, who reappears in my life? Yeah, the ex. After all these years apart, he'd come looking for me and found me.

 

I'm a believer in, 'what will be, will be'. If you and this guy are meant to be together, then you will be.

 

I'd sit him down and have a final heart to heart with him, which is what I did. Tell him how you feel!! If things still continue in the fashion they are and this woman is still in the picture, then I'd go NO CONTACT and MOVE ON! Hard as that may be (and I know it's hard), it's something you've gotta do. He needs to have a taste of life without you in it and you won't know how he truly feels about you, until you go NO CONTACT and stick to it!! Likewise, he won't know what he truly wants, until you are no longer available to him. If he loves YOU and wants to be with YOU, he'll be back!!

 

It's normally after we've moved on, that our ex's will reappear and perhaps years down the line, like mine did.......

 

There's also a saying

 

"If you love someone, set them free;

If they return, they are truly yours and your love was meant to be"....

 

or something along those lines anyway.

[fool4luv]

Sharmaine, are you saying you are with your ex now?

[Sharmaine]

Sharmaine, are you saying you are with your ex now?

 

No I'm not with him, but I'm hoping that one day soon we will be back together again. It's only of recent that he found me through a website on the internet and got in touch wth me and so we are emailing at the minute and basically getting to know one another again. I'm divorced now and he's seperated, or says he is anyway. Because I don't live local to him anymore, I've got no way of finding out if that's true or not, so I take his word for it that he is. We have arranged to meet each other twice now and when he was on business here, but our schedules clashed so I was sadly unable to go and see him. May be 'third time' lucky, hopefully.

 

Honestly, I think that the best thing you can do and like I said, is to sit this guy down and tell him all of what you feel. Ask him does he want to be with you, or not? Tell him that he can't have the both of you!! See how he responds and then go from there. If he shows no signs of letting her go/committing to you........then CUT HIM OUT OF YOUR LIFE AND MOVE ON!! Don't allow him to 'cake eat' and don't settle for being 'second best' in his life to this other woman, because I didn't! I flatly refused to have anything more to do with him, while she remained in the picture.....and remain in the picture she did, so as far as I was concerned, it was over between us, PERIOD!!. Didn't stop him from wanting to be with me and continuing to pester me, but I found the strength to resist him. As time passes the NO CONTACT does get easier btw.

 

Don't hang around in the hopes that this guy is eventually gonna come to his senses and realise it's 'YOU' that he wants, because you could be waiting for years. Meanwhile your life is also passing you by and other opportunities. Lifes too short!!

 

Keep us informed how things go btw and GOOD LUCK!!

[fool4luv]

to be honest, at the moment I think the sitting him down thing won't work. As I said he just came back from a 'great' holiday with her. He arranged to meet up monday night then phoned on the evening and said he thought it better not to as he didn't want to give me the wrong impression.

But when we did meet Tuesday (and he has just popped round again as it's my b'day today) he was really attracted. My thinking at the moment is to be 'his absolute best friend' so that he realises that 'she' just hasn't got it. I have also just told him that I'm applying for jobs abroad and he knows I meet guys so as far as he knows I am moving on. I dunno, d'you think this is stupid?

[Sharmaine]

Originally posted by fool4luv

to be honest, at the moment I think the sitting him down thing won't work. As I said he just came back from a 'great' holiday with her. He arranged to meet up monday night then phoned on the evening and said he thought it better not to as he didn't want to give me the wrong impression.

But when we did meet Tuesday (and he has just popped round again as it's my b'day today) he was really attracted. My thinking at the moment is to be 'his absolute best friend' so that he realises that 'she' just hasn't got it. I have also just told him that I'm applying for jobs abroad and he knows I meet guys so as far as he knows I am moving on. I dunno, d'you think this is stupid?

 

If you want my honest opinion, yeah I do think you are being daft. I can't see the point in your keeping him around as an 'absolute best friend' tbh. For instance, say he remains with this other woman, while you are being the best you can be and trying to woo him back with kindness. What then? You are going to be extremely disappointed and hurt if things don't turn out the way you are hoping for between you. This is one of those situations where I don't think 'just friends' would work. It's too early after the breakup for that.

 

The fact that he's just come back after a 'great' holiday with this other woman combined with his cancelling your plans to meet (due to his thinking that he may be giving you the wrong impression), would have been enough for me to go 'no contact' immediately. At this moment in time, this other woman seems to be taking 'top priority' in his life and do you really want to be 'second best' to her? If he calls in future, say you are busy and that you have plans. Don't tell him what those plans are, be mysterious! Keep the calls short and be the first to hang up. Better still let voicemail take his calls/just let the phone ring. I wouldn't let him know or share with him any of your business, ie: what you are doing/are up to, who you are dating or if you are dating and I wouldn't be discussing any future plans you may have with him. It's none of his business! Cut him off and let him wonder about you instead.......if he cares enough, he will wonder!!

 

When I and the ex seperated, I cut him off PERIOD! I think that it was around the 7th month of absolutely 'no contact', that he began pursuing me once more. So sometimes it does take a while for them to actually realise that they are 'missing' you. Over those months of 'no contact', I'd become less 'emotionally attached' to him as I had once been (but I still loved him nonetheless)..so when he came pursuing again, (he was still with the other woman), it was easy for me to say,'There won't be an 'us', until she is totally out of the picture'. He continued to pursue, would show up at places where he knew I'd be, then he'd follow me, make excuses to sit nearby me and then he would send friends over to tell me that he wanted to talk to me. But I would ignore him.

 

Believe me, if you go 'no contact' he will 'miss' you!! You were together for far too long as a couple, for him not to 'miss' you!!

Sometimes it's a case of 'one doesn't know what they've got, until it's gone'......

[_Saffy_]

the black and white issue of this is that you are currently OVER and he is with someone else.

 

you should stop contacting him, at the most he probably sees you right now as a safety net, you are always there for him, and he knows that you will still be there for him if he ever chooses to end things with his girlfriend.

 

 

who wants to be someones safety net?

 

if he comes back it should be because he misses you, loves you and wants to make it work. not because it didnt work with someone else and well you are still waiting for scraps.

 

anyway, to sum up, hes with someone else, he chose to be with her and has been with her for 6 months so far, and now they are back from a "great" holiday together. what ever you think she "hasnt got" seems to be working for him,

 

i wouldnt be sat around holding my breath if i were you.

[fool4luv]

oh dear! So... do I sit him down and tell him or just cut him out without explaining (again).?

[_Saffy_]

i think i would probably tell him, explain that you understand that he has moved on, and that you wish him well (even though you probably dont) but tell him that you need some space to move on and get past things.

 

then stick to it. dont let him see that you are weak or that you want him back, he probably knows this anyway.

 

if you mean anything to him then he will be back one day...........in the mean time, be happy, and make the most out of life.

[Sharmaine]

i think i would probably tell him, explain that you understand that he has moved on, and that you wish him well (even though you probably dont) but tell him that you need some space to move on and get past things.

 

Yeah, I'd do this I reckon and stick to it. No doubt he may try to break the 'no contact', but this is where you have to be strong and resist. If he calls, don't answer just let it ring, etc........basically do what I said above. As I said it's quite hard to start with, but it does get easier over time. Meanwhile go about your own life, do things for you, etc, etc...(seems that is what he is doing).

 

He'll be back eventually if it's you he really loves.

[fool4luv]

Thank you both. Too many people have said the same thing, and then to get it here as well, well who can I kid any longer? So I've asked him to come round and am now just trying to figure out what to say. Thank you very much, and all good things to you in the future.

[Sharmaine]

Let us know how you get on fool4luv ok.

 

If you have to end up resorting to the 'no contact' then come here to talk/or vent to get things off your chest. There are people here that will listen to you, help you thru it (I for one will).

 

Good luck!!

[fool4luv]

Well he's not coming round till tomorrow now, so loads of planning what to say and then no one to say it to!! The only thing that worries me is that a book I bought said that if they leave you because they have someone else you should become their 'best friend' and when it wears off with the new chickie babe they'll come back and it worries me that if I cut off then he will just move on and make the best of where he is now. Oh dear, I am usually such a strong person but with this man I'm rubbish!

[Sharmaine]

Originally posted by fool4luv

Well he's not coming round till tomorrow now, so loads of planning what to say and then no one to say it to!! The only thing that worries me is that a book I bought said that if they leave you because they have someone else you should become their 'best friend' and when it wears off with the new chickie babe they'll come back and it worries me that if I cut off then he will just move on and make the best of where he is now. Oh dear, I am usually such a strong person but with this man I'm rubbish!

 

He won't just move on and make the best of it with the other woman, if you cut him out of your life. If he remains with her, then it is because he wants her and wants to be with her. People don't remain with people, or in situations that they don't want to be in.

 

Whether you remain his friend or not, if it's her he really wants and wants to be with, then he is going to stay with her. ....nothing you do will change that fact!! She's obviously got something he likes, hence he wouldn't be with her. His infatuation with this woman, might never wear off. It could possibly progress to love and eventually to marriage.......she might be the one woman that doesn't wear off. The 'no contact' will serve as a means of giving him the chance to 'miss you', to give him a taste of what his life will be like without you around.........he hasn't experienced that in 8 years!!. It also gives you the opportunity to start living your own life without him around, to do things that you want to do and to distance yourself from him and the drama.

 

There is no guarantee that being his 'best buddy' will work. When you are being his 'best buddy', IMO you are giving him your APPROVAL of his relationship with her.......something else for you to think about. By your being his 'best buddy', you are giving him the best of both worlds and like I keep saying, in giving him the best of both worlds, you are giving him no incentive to change or to choose between the both of you.

 

I couldn't care less what books say. The only quick and sure fire way to know how he truly feels/for realise what he really wants is to go 'no contact' and to take away his 'safety net'. You don't have to nasty towards him in order to do this. Part on good terms with him, because you are then leaving him with a lasting, good impression of you.

 

If you go 'no contact', his infatuation with the other woman might wear off and if he wants you, regardless of the 'no contact' he will find a way back to you, if he wants to be with you. He's not going to settle for 'second best' in her, if it's you he realises he wants to be with.

[fool4luv]

Yeah, you're right, I can see that. It's hard isn't it! Right, so the preprepared speech will go ahead tomrrow, eek! Hope the world continues to turn after!

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply and good luck to you in your life.