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Should I forgive?


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Hi everyone!

 

Thank you for stopping by to give me your honest opinion on the situation.

 

Here is my story facts:

 

- Been in a 3 years relationships with a person who is from a West European country.

- I live in the US

- Since october 2014, this person now lives with me, at my place. He moved from his country to be with me.

- He is a teacher but right now he is in the process of getting his work permit, so he hasn't been working since he is here so he has a lot of free times which he occupies with sport, listening to tv series and video gaming.

 

The 'crunchy' facts:

 

- I have stumbled on one of his facebook conversations he was having for the past few weeks with a girl he met at a sport club.

- He flirted with her, initiated the contacts, trying to get her into him.

- He invited her to play sport and to go out for a dinner, with him alone.

- He has made her compliments.

 

I flipped out when I saw that because he has talked to me about all his 'sports' friends but never address this girl or mention anything about me to her (dah!). For me it is simply playing a 'double game': Being with me with a straight face and going for this girl. Nothing happened though, he was just at the stage of flirting/explorating.

 

He explained to me that he had the need to feel attractive and desired and that it lacked at a certain point in our relationship and that he turned himself to this girl because of that. Also, that she seemed sweet and gentle, which he later discovered that it was not exactly the case. He also told me that he lives in fantasies too much and to talk to her was a way to 'break' this fantasy and to make her 'real'. I thought his arguments were lame and I kicked him out of my place. I was so mad that I had been with this jerk!

 

Anyways! My anger dissipated, led to a bit of sadness.

 

He contacted me and I told him I needed time to think it through. Since Monday, we haven't spoke.

 

Of course, the loneliness started hitting me, and I miss him. I reacted strongly and now I wonder if I should take him back or if this would be a big mistake.

 

I can carry on and not talk to him for a few more days, or weeks to see how it is going on my end and take a distance from that situation.

 

On his part he told me he missed me and wanted to spend his life with me and me only.

 

What do you think guys?

 

Thousand thanks! xx

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PegNosePete

Yes drop him like he's on fire. If you forgive this it will only happen again, but he will be more clever about covering it up. He has no respect for you or your relationship. Words mean nothing, of course he would say those things, he needs you to stay in the country. Actions count. What have his actions shown you?

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He's hiding things. Who knows if that's the only girl he "got his necessary extra attention" from. Break up.

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WhiskeyJack

Drop him! If he could get away with it once, what makes you think he won't do it again.

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There's a difference between making friends at the gym and flirtatiously ask a girl out for dinner.

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FlippinJacks

When men or women tell you they are "X, Y, or Z" believe them. Women are more guilty of believing they can change someone, or "Rescue" them from themselves.

 

 

Want to be with someone who "Lives in fantasies" and deals with it in such a fashion? That's what you're going to get.

 

 

Lag in relationship? No, no, won't discuss it in a civilized, adult manner, I'll just run out and find someone who will give me what I need!

 

 

... Drop it like it's hot.

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I think he's trying to date another woman. that would be a deal breaker for me.

 

 

Even if they flirted but their interactions were sports related -- not dinner -- I'd say keep your eyes open but don't get totally worked up yet.

 

 

The minute he asked her for dinner -- it doesn't matter why -- your relationship was over.

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ExpatInItaly

He asked out another woman on a date, OP. He is actively searching for side action. You miss the illusion he created of an honest, loyal partner. That's not who he is. If he's being so ballsy and disrespectful as to do this from your home, can you imagine what he did before moving in with you?

 

He showed you that you can't trust him. He isn't commitment-worthy. Drop him like yesterday's trash.

 

OP, I hope you don't mind me asking, but how is he supporting himself while unemployed? Are you footing the bill, or is he contributing in some way?

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I'm glad he told you he did it out of the need to feel attractive and desired, which is why Tiger Woods allegedly did his whole serial cheating thing too. He is a mess if he needs validation constantly about this because that means that deep down, he's not got a very good foundation. You certainly can't rule out that his reason he gave was just a lie to place guilt and blame on you though. Many cheaters try to somehow justify it by making it their partner's fault. He may just be plain old narcissistic and not care that much about your feelings or anyone else's and just plan on doing it if he can get away with it because the only one he loves is himself.

 

So yes, I think you were right. He's totally playing behind your back for reason that are pathetic if true and even worse if not. Of course, he has so much time on his hands that just because he says he didn't do anything but flirt online doesn't mean that's the truth. If he's doing that online he's probably flirting with women every place he goes when there's a chance. He's probably only telling you the tip of the iceberg.

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Thank you all for your replies.

 

We have spoken today and he told me that he has a very low self esteem and that he really didn't want to loose me.

He cried, like expected.

 

I suggest he consult a shrink. Because if everything do come from a low self esteem, an emotional dependancy or insufficient self love, he has to work on it.

My call is that he might be on the narcissist side, it feels like he has not a lot of empathy.

He cried, but it was again all about himself. He briefly said he was sorry.

 

This guy really needs to figure it out, he is a mess like a few of you said. I see it more clearly now.

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He asked out another woman on a date, OP. He is actively searching for side action. You miss the illusion he created of an honest, loyal partner. That's not who he is. If he's being so ballsy and disrespectful as to do this from your home, can you imagine what he did before moving in with you?

 

He showed you that you can't trust him. He isn't commitment-worthy. Drop him like yesterday's trash.

 

OP, I hope you don't mind me asking, but how is he supporting himself while unemployed? Are you footing the bill, or is he contributing in some way?

 

Hi Expat!

 

He was supporting himself with his own savings. He was giving me 300$ each month which covered 50% of all the bills of my apartment. It was perfectly fair for both of us (I own the place).

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I would agree that he should take care of whatever insecurities he has so he can have a healthy relationship.

 

With that said, you should have a healthy relationship as well. That means someone who doesn't need any other woman then you.

 

I think you did the right thing based on what happened. I know it's sad and you may feel lonely, but you and everyone, deserves someone who will treat them with the same respect that they are given.

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changchewsoon

You should drop him so you can avoid all the drama and heartache that comes with it later.

 

The reason why it hasn't happened yet is because he was caught.

 

Honestly, he is being really disrespectful to you.

 

You deserve someone better.

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