Nine months later she's asking my thoughts on AP

[URNotAlone]

I told my story on here last year. I had an affair with my best friend's husband. It was painful for everyone involved. When it was out in the open we went immediate no contact. That was 9 months ago and I have completely moved on and healed. This week she emailed me asking me to tell her everything I knew. She told me in a way that gave me the feeling she was wanting me to defend myself. She kept saying he threw me under the bus and how he told her I wanted him for life (that was not at all true). He made our affair sound like more than what it was. Said we were meeting in hotels during the week. I suspect he was meeting with someone but it wasn't me. I know he has cheated with other women and I told her everything I knew last year and was told I was a liar. She now thinks he is cheating again and wants answers. She told me she knows in her heart she needs to leave him. I don't want to have any part of this anymore. If he's cheating now like I imagine he is then it does not concern me and I don't care. Should I tell her again what I know or do what is in my heart and not say anything? Do I have a responsibility here? I think at some point she needs to face the truth but I don't think she'll ever believe me anyhow.

[sisa]

If I were you, I will stay away from their mess.

you already told her everything last year, and she believed in him anyway.

it's glad that you are healing well, so don't put yourself in the poor position again.

[Scarlet2]

No, you do not have a responsibility to respond to her email. She's grasping for straws and anything you could tell her will not be what she's wanting to hear, she's not going to believe the truth, and it will make the situation snowball even further. She wants to hear nothing happened, he didn't love me, he's a good man who loves his wife. You can't tell her the magic words she wants to hear so I'd keep being quiet.

[gettingstronger]

I don't blame her for asking and I don't blame you for not responding-

 

We all deal in our own ways-she has every right to ask, you have every right not to answer-

 

You wronged her thats for sure, but in the end all you really owe her is to stay the heck out of her life-everything else is icing-apologies, etc...

[Artie Lang]

why are you still dealing with these people?!

Edited June 28, 2014 by Artie Lang

[wind willow]

I think you should at least respond briefly that what you told her last year was everything you know but that it's too hard to rehash it again. Unless you're strong enough to discuss it with her. Then I do think you should meet with her somewhere public to talk to her.

 

The easiest path is to not respond. If she had not been your friend, I would say to do that.

 

There is an aspect of "she didn't believe you the first time, so why should you give her any answers now". But can you really blame her for not totally trusting you when she found out you'd been breaking her trust? It's natural for a person to want to believe their partner above everyone else. The hurt she caused you in believing her husband over you is lesser in magnitude than the hurt you caused her.

 

If her husband is still cheating on her, that's got to be painful and confusing. If she's reaching out, she's still struggling with pain that you had a hand in inflicting. If she is finally realizing that her husband is a lying, serial cheating scumbag, maybe she could use some support. Maybe she's in a frame of mind where she's willing to accept your side. It would be kind of you to help your former best friend try to find answers.

[sisa]

I agree she (wife) is innocent, and be hurt by he (MM) and OW before. however, OW also be hurt by MM, too. 9 months ago, he chose the wife and wife chose to believe MM when OW confess her part. After 9 months, wife spend the time with MM everyday and OW already no contact and out of this relationship. I don't get why wife ask OW how OW think about the man who has life with her everyday and think if OW might know more than her about this man.

 

yes, OW did the wrong thing that had been in the relationship with the MM, but it doesn't mean after that when they get any problems in their marriage, OW need to do what BS asked for. It's their marriage.

[chelsea2011]

Urnotalone, I don't think it sounds all that strange. After reading here and in the Infidelity forum it is pretty much par for the course in these situations. Then add in the fact that you were her best friend. She is looking for answers and you were the one (that she knows of) that witnessed his dark side. Maybe she is looking for a reality check.

 

I'm not saying you should talk to her just saying that BS's seem to contact the xOW eventually looking for answers. Not always, but it does happen.

 

Glad you are out and have healed from the experience.

[jwi71]

I don't want to have any part of this anymore.

 

Then don't.

 

Simple reply, in an email:

 

"I have had no contact in 9 months. Please NEVER contact me again."

 

Keep the email, and any reply...and that's that. If you feel it becomes harassment, get the police/lawyer involved - and the paper trail will elp bolster your case.

[Scorpio Chick]

Of course you have a responsibility here. You had sex with her husband while she was your best friend. Please tell her everything you can to help give her the whatever it is she needs to leave this despicable man. If you were willing to sleep with him, the least you can do for her is answer her questions, also especially since he threw you under the bus. Good God, what has happened to men???? It's truly despicable what he did. Ewwww. I feel very sorry for her, I can't imagine her pain.

[Scarlet2]

This is what I see happening: if you tell her everything you already told her before or add more details, she's going to confront him again and he's going to be in defense mode and tell her whatever she needs to hear to save his own butt again, and if she likes what she hears from him better than what you told her, regardless if it's the truth or not, she's going to despise you again. This is a lose-lose situation. How many times do the BS always tell us we OW do not save their marriages? I'd email her a list of divorce attorneys.

[wind willow]

yes, OW did the wrong thing that had been in the relationship with the MM, but it doesn't mean after that when they get any problems in their marriage, OW need to do what BS asked for. It's their marriage.

 

I agree with that. I know some do think that even APs who don't know the BS have a responsibility to the BS not to get involved with their spouses. I don't hold that view.

 

But I do think that people have a responsibility to not betray their friends. IMO, sleeping with a friend's spouse is a worse betrayal than the spouse's. Because it has a wider impact on a person's ability to trust not just in romantic relationships, but in friendship.

 

This isn't just about a woman who was betrayed by her husband looking for the woman who he betrayed her with to give her answers. This is a woman who was betrayed by her best friend looking for answers from the person who betrayed her. I think it's cold hearted to just ignore her.

[Scorpio Chick]

wind willow, you're nailing it. There's something soooo convenient that oh, suddenly we 'should' wipe our hands completely of this. The op now is over it all, and people are saying, you're out of it, you have nothing to do with THEIR mess.....OH REALLY??? YOU created that mess along with your best friend's husband!!

 

This is my fourth reply today about the hypocrisy of people. People have gotten out of hand with their lack of kindness towards other people. This woman has more to sort through now than her husband screwing her over, but a best friend being the one he screwed her over with! It's horrible! She's gotta be thinking, what did I do???

[chelsea2011]

Deleted. Ten characters.

[Scarlet2]

I agree with that. I know some do think that even APs who don't know the BS have a responsibility to the BS not to get involved with their spouses. I don't hold that view.

 

But I do think that people have a responsibility to not betray their friends. IMO, sleeping with a friend's spouse is a worse betrayal than the spouse's. Because it has a wider impact on a person's ability to trust not just in romantic relationships, but in friendship.

 

This isn't just about a woman who was betrayed by her husband looking for the woman who he betrayed her with to give her answers. This is a woman who was betrayed by her best friend looking for answers from the person who betrayed her. I think it's cold hearted to just ignore her.

 

And the OP feels betrayed that her best friend believed her H over her own best friend. It's a tangled web but her only responsibility now is to leave the H alone, which she has for 9 months. She already told the BS what happened, she doesn't need to do it again.

[sisa]

It depends on if BS and exOW still best friends after this.

 

If still, then OW should help her, otherwise make no sense.

 

If after Dday, MM throw OW underbus and BS already believed his words, why now she might trust OW? Nothing is change after 9 months.

Edited June 28, 2014 by sisa

[wind willow]

And the OP feels betrayed that her best friend believed her H over her own best friend.

 

OP has the right to feel hurt that her friend didn't believe her. But she should also realize that her own actions made herself untrustworthy in her friend's eyes.

 

If you betray your friends trust, whether it's sleeping with their partner, stealing money from them, etc. you were in the wrong first. I don't see a person not trusting a friend after being betrayed by them as something that should be held against that person

 

It seems cold and kind of petty to paint the friend's not believing her as something that wipes out the bigger initial betrayal and absolves the OP of any compassion and support for the friend she wronged.

 

It's a tangled web but her only responsibility now is to leave the H alone, which she has for 9 months. She already told the BS what happened, she doesn't need to do it again.

 

I know she doesn't need to. But I think it's the most decent thing to do.

Edited June 28, 2014 by wind willow

[wind willow]

I'm not sure if I should bring this up. I didn't before because I think even without this detail that responding to the friend is the right thing to do.

 

But OP, after reading your previous posts, her lack of belief in your story seems even more justified.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/444975-depressed-ow

 

"She said she never knew we had sex and was hurt by the whole thing. She felt betrayed by both of us. In the back of my mind I thought she knew. Who would set their husband up to go out with someone else over and over? I thought she was trying other ways to keep him happy."

 

That's hard for me to believe and I'm not even the friend that was betrayed. Did you say that to her? It comes off as just trying to justify your actions. It's really hard to believe that anyone would think their friend wanted them to sleep with her husband and would just do that without finding out for certain first.

 

It's like if you left $1,000 on your desk one day, but realize the next that it's gone. Then you find out your best friend was the one who stole it, and she says she did it because she thought you had been dropping hints that you wanted her to take it. After all, who would leave out $1,000?

 

Would you believe that? I'm not going to judge and say that you were not being honest about your reasons. Only you know whether you were or not so I'm not going to debate about it. But I am saying that even if you were being truthful about thinking she wanted you to sleep with her husband, that's very hard for someone else to believe.

Edited June 28, 2014 by wind willow

[Scarlet2]

OP has the right to feel hurt that her friend didn't believe her. But she should also realize that her own actions made herself untrustworthy in her friend's eyes.

 

If you betray your friends trust, whether it's sleeping with their partner, stealing money from them, etc. you were in the wrong first. I don't see a person not trusting a friend after being betrayed by them as something that should be held against that person

 

It seems cold and kind of petty to paint the friend's not believing her as something that wipes out the bigger initial betrayal and absolves the OP of any compassion and support for the friend she wronged.

 

 

 

I know she doesn't need to. But I think it's the most decent thing to do.

 

Nothing against the OP but why would the BS trust her now? She's been quiet for the last 9 months, there haven't been any situations to document that the BS can view her as trustworthy again. From what I understand they aren't friends anymore.

[Popsicle]

Do not say anything or answer at all.

[BetrayedH]

After a Dday, a BS will still have a tendency to believe their wayward spouse instead of the affair partner. Even if they're not told the truth, they have a tendency to trust the dishonest "confession" over the AP. That's because their spouse is supposed to be their partner in life. Once they are busted for their "mistake" we tend to think that NOW the truth will come out. An honest and otherwise trusting person doesn't expect that their spouse will keep lying after they're caught. But they are frequently wrong. The WS doubles-down on the lies as they try to minimize the damage.

 

As well, the BS "wants" to believe their spouse because they usually want to repair the marriage. It's instinctive for the BS to try to stop the bleeding as well. But they have no compulsion to believe the AP. The AP is clearly the enemy

 

I suspect that this BW believed the lies for a while but is starting to doubt herseld. And now she really wants the truth. In fact, she's desperate enough for the truth that she'll reach out to the enemy, someone she doesn't trust, just in hopes of discovering one more piece of the puzzle. She's willing to humiliate herself because she is desperate to know WTF is really going on. Not knowing the truth (and making decisions with a life-long impact) is maddening. How can she possibly accept the truth (which is the LAST stage of grief) when she doesn't even know the truth.

 

You can either release her from that prison of ignorance or you can set her free with the truth. Your choice. Personally, I would feel awful leaving her in a position like this. You could be a third party in her marriage during the affair but feel like you should stay out of their marriage after Dday? That seems a bit too convenient.

 

Personally, I hope you make an effort to fix this mess but at least bring truthful about what happened. You did wrong by her before. Maybe you should try to make it rigut this time. She found the courage to finally ask for the truth. Go ahead and give it to her.

[URNotAlone]

I ended up replying to her message. I told her that everything I told her last year was true, I told her of the previous affairs and things that he said he planned on doing. I told her if I were in her shoes the things that I would be mindful of and to watch for. I didn't know what to do for a while because she clearly wants to believe him, however I get the feeling he is back to cheating and she senses it because said she is "tired of being his doormat". I apologized for my actions. She said she has forgiven me. She is a bigger person than I am because I have not been able to forgive my ex for his affair and walking away from our children five years ago. Something I have struggled with not because I want him back but becasue the kids deserved a father. He moved on with someone who never had or wanted kids. MY kids were not welcome in HER home. I have remorse for what I did and I know there's no way to make up for what I did and all I can do is look forward and choose not to hurt anyone no matter a stranger or a friend. No one deserves to be hurt.

[Sub]

The "best friend" dynamic obviously complicates things. I think she needs you as her H's xAP for answers. And she needs you as a best friend to tell her to leave him.

 

And the OP feels betrayed that her best friend believed her H over her own best friend.

Not sure there's much room for the OP to feel betrayed here.

[GollumsNightmare]

URNotAlone,

 

I think you did the right thing by replying to her in the way that you did.

 

I have remorse for what I did and I know there's no way to make up for what I did and all I can do is look forward and choose not to hurt anyone no matter a stranger or a friend. No one deserves to be hurt.

 

I would give anything to hear the above quote from my H's exMOW. I think it shows you are on a good path. I wish you only the best.

[goodyblue]

I wouldn't even entertain the thought of responding. You've done what was asked, NC for nine months. Now she is breaking that because she wants you to get in the middle of it again? Not a chance. All you'll be doing is opening yourself up to helping her limp through this farce of a marriage in which she chooses to stay. You can't help her. She can only help herself. I almost wonder if she was trying to get you to admit you'd been in contact with her husband again.