Confidence to walk away

[nessieb]

Hi, I have been married for almost 6yrs and have twin girls. But with the constant fighting and us both wanting completely different things I no longer wish to be with him. Neither of us are perfect and both at fault. My problem is I have no self esteem left and would rather stay with him and be miserable then leave and be on my own.

I have no friends or family support and would struggle with finding adequate child care for my kids if I left - I work 12hr shifts which doesn't fit with general child care centres.

I need help and really don't kniw where to start, TIA:)

[Yasuandio]

Here is your answer:

 

If the 12 hour working situation and your "self confidence" are obstacles in your goal to "WALK AWAY," change them.

 

CHANGING OBSTICALS: SELF-CONFIDENCE

 

1. Build your confidence back. How? Let's start with what you have direct control over. Some of my "opinioned" suggestions follow:

 

A. This is the first step to building confidence - and it is free. Stand tall, chest out, shoulders back. Correct your posture, even if you have to walk with a book on your head. When you are out - be aware of your posture at all times. It helps to wear heels, your legs will look nicer too! If high heels are problematic, get platform high heels - they are much easier on your foot. Tip: I think flat shoes make many woman look dumpy.

 

B. Do not leave your home without dressing to the best of your ability. Dress a couple notches above the crowd. I don't care if you walk around in your panties in the house; however, if you go out to get the mail - you better look stunning, or get that mail on you way to the grocery, since you will look stunning going to market.

 

C. Go to the salon for an easy to maintain NEW hairstyle and color. A BIG change. To save money, get to know a hairstylist at the Walmart salon. You can also learn to do your own color and get products at Sally's. It is easy-Breezy. Go in at a slow time, and the girls (many with ratios in my area), are happy to help you. You can also go to a near free Beauty school. There is no excuse.

 

D. Light make up - that is all. Maybe no make-up, just a tiny bit of lipstick and a dab of powder on your nose.

 

2. I recommend getting on all of Mimi Tanner's mailing lists. She address self confidence and how it seems to get lost when we hand over ourselves to our loved ones. Simply sign up for each email list on each book she has written - then you will receive everything - some may be irrelevant, later on, those may be useful. I recommend you keep them on file. She has a blog - and perhaps you can search for the article where I read about how critical posture is.

 

3. Be Proactive! Do Your Own Research! That is what google is for - search "Self Confidence" - it is a popular topic. I recommend searching "Positive Psychology," as well as "Over-Coming Poor Self Esteem." You have the first step - you have identified the issue. Now - correct it! The resources are out there.

 

***That is a start. Assignment. Doll up, and go to grocery a few evenings a week. Use the cart handle to consciously practice your posture exercises. It would also be a good idea to visit the Home Depot or other Suppy Stores and practice same. Another good posture exercise is standing erect and tithing your but misled and holding in that tummy (which you should do anyway - but I didn't want to over-welm you. At a slow time in the evening, have some guy explain some fixture or plumbing issue to you while you do the exercise. Practice, practice, practice. Soon, you will start feeling confident. (OH. I'm telling you to go in early evenings cause it looks like you just got off work. Let your husband babysit - do not take a child on these exercises - this is "me" time - that thing that you lost called "self confidence").

 

CHANGING OBSTICALS: JOB SEARCH FOR POSITION DURING CHILDCARE HOURS

 

1. Get that Resume in Order! Start a job hunt that will be the sort of hours condusive to Childcare hours or whatever you are looking for.

 

2. As your confidence improves, so to will your perspective on your marriage - one way or the other. If that should go to the negative - then, start planning, and financially covering yourself, and emancipating your husband - that is, see an attorney privately, and get advice on how to establish your own identity as you disengage. You want your ducks in a row on "D" day. There is no need for him to know anything until you are ready to walk, confidence, job, and daycare in place. It will be worth the wait.

 

3. If I had children and wanted a divorce - I personally would live with a time period until I could get my husband to re-locate and establish residency in the best area with the best conditions for my childrend and self post-divorce. A suitable re-location would be near my better job opportunity for (with the right hours) and/or near my family whom could assist in raising children, if necessary. Is a relocation possible to establish residency for the entire family before you drop the "D" bomb? REMEMBER - post-divorce, you are most likely stuck living in or near the County where you are now. Think ahead. It might be worth playing nice for awhile.

 

4. Reinventing Yourself While Technically Married. If you have no choice due to the type of job you have now, and 12 shifts are THE only option, then you must get yourself re-qualified for different or related employment that allows for Childcare hours, period.

 

If you must start from scratch - I would look at employment opportunities firstandformost. Many employers are sensitive to women and Childcare needs, some employers even have Childcare installed in their own companies. I would aspire to work for such a company if your kids are infants and you are looking at years of this Childcare thing. However - even after the Childcare years, someone has to get home at a decent hour once the kids are in school.

 

Obstacles: Could "Walking Away Create a Huge Obstacle In Itself?

 

Seriously, if you are in a situation where you may have to "reinvent" yourself, to be a single Mom in the future, walking away and or divorcing may not be a savvy idea for you at this time. It is easy to get frustrated when you are down and out, and feeling low, and poorly about yourself.

 

My recommendation is to try all the above while maintain the Status Quo at home - if you can stand it (and as long as there is no domestic violence or related BS). Start the confidence build first, one step at a time - begin today, with a book on your head - that is all I ask.

 

Think about these ideas. Many of the "reinvention" possibilities could be taken on with the support of your husband, if you act normal and reasonable at home - and don't let on what you are up to.

 

And, you may be surprised, once your confidence comes back - other things might come back to you, also. It is entirely possible if you begin to feel good about yourself again, that will be reflected to others - and cooperation on your needs may be more forthcoming.

 

You can make this happen. I hope these ideas helped you. Yas

[jbelle6]

Hi, I have been married for almost 6yrs and have twin girls. But with the constant fighting and us both wanting completely different things I no longer wish to be with him. Neither of us are perfect and both at fault. My problem is I have no self esteem left and would rather stay with him and be miserable then leave and be on my own.

I have no friends or family support and would struggle with finding adequate child care for my kids if I left - I work 12hr shifts which doesn't fit with general child care centres.

I need help and really don't kniw where to start, TIA:)

 

 

 

 

Hi nessieb!

 

Your city must have a Childcare Council, get in contact with them, they might be able to help you. I imagine there are SAHM's with good references that would love an extra income while they are home with their own child anyways. Maybe something like that could be an option. Get the word out that you are looking. Sometimes the elementary schools have a list as well so check there too.

[veryhappy]

Your girls must be 5 or younger. I bet they are cute...

 

 

Parenting twins is not for the faint of heart and I imagine some of the tall on your R is because of that. Was your R good enough once upon a time that you'd consider improving it? Have you discussed mc?

[sugarlove]

Hey OP, i must say I was in the exact situation as you. I've 3 girls, 2 of which are twins and I was stuck in an abusive marriage for 5 years so my girls were all under 4 at that time. Took all of me to make the decision to leave, fear really held me back. I was unsure of the unknown out there as he was all I know, my everything, my entire world. Worse of all, I've never worked and have no job experience so finding work was hard. Not impossible.

 

Once you leave, You will be surprised there are so many people who will be willing to help you. I've made friends with my neighbours, school moms and we take turns with each other kids. You can do it, take courage to ask for help. SO many people will be willing to help a mom in need.

 

But if you love your kids, you need to take steps to remove them from a toxic environment. It's not easy, sometimes it seems easier to just stay and have this fake illusion of peace. But the peace is always always shortlived. Don't waste the kids lives, I took my girls out and I felt so much guilt towards them. I felt I've failed them as a mother.

 

But kids are so resilient, kids from a broken family are a special breed. Shower them with all your love, take the love you have for this man and give them to him as well. THey will get through this and they will be well adjusted. Leaving when they are young is better as they won't remember the fights as much. I never regret my choice. My life is so much better now without him, yours will be too.

Edited July 1, 2014 by sugarlove