Can't stop my mind from making me crazy

[Hope4thefuture]

Still going through the process of divorce. My STBX starting dating someone about 4 months ago. My boys met her back in March. I don't like that he is dating so soon, but I can't do anything about that. I don't like that my boys have met her so soon, but again I can't do anything about that either.

 

What I don't like is that I think about it. My mind starts wandering and wondering what she has that I didn't. It drives me crazy that I think about this. It drives me crazy that I think about them at all, but it is hard to stop.

 

I keep myself as busy as possible, but those thoughts just find a way to creep in. What can I do to stop?

[nbman]

Short answer is nothing. You probably hate hearing this as much as the rest of us, but it just takes time. I feel the same way you do about my ex dating and the divorce is not even final. At least she is hiding it from the kids. I wish you well, and hope that you can find something better to occupy your mind with. Pick up a good book and start reading when you find yourself thinking about your ex. Everyone eventually finds a way to deal with this, there are wonderful people here who have all been through the same thing, and you can always post here!!

[TheBladeRunner]

I hear You OP, but you are correct: there is nothing you can do about it. I have gone through the same stuff and I will say that when my XW jammed the new boyfriends down my kids throat it did not go well. She is still having major issues with the current BF and they have been together for a year. In that case she was having "sleep overs" as my daughter calls it about a month in. All we can hope for is that the X-Spouse's new SO treats our kids well.

[stillafool]

Still going through the process of divorce. My STBX starting dating someone about 4 months ago. My boys met her back in March. I don't like that he is dating so soon, but I can't do anything about that. I don't like that my boys have met her so soon, but again I can't do anything about that either.

 

What I don't like is that I think about it. My mind starts wandering and wondering what she has that I didn't. It drives me crazy that I think about this. It drives me crazy that I think about them at all, but it is hard to stop.

 

I keep myself as busy as possible, but those thoughts just find a way to creep in. What can I do to stop?

 

 

You guys have been separated about a year now if I can remember correctly from your other threads. A man will start to date after 8 mos separation and some sooner than that. Even if you don't want to start dating yet do you get together with friends in social situations and have fun? You need to do this to help you move on so you won't think of your ex and what he's doing.

[Hope4thefuture]

Yes we have been separated for a year now. To be honest, I am doing pretty well I think. Last year at this time, I was begging him to work together on this. I was sobbing throughout the day. I was so dependent on him for my happiness, finances, etc. I look back and feel sad and angry at myself for letting my own identity get lost. I was a wife and mother, but I neglected what was important to me as well.

 

Fast forward to today, I am moving on. I have set goals for myself. I get to spend most of my time with my 3 boys. I have a job that I love. I am taking care of our house and have learned to rely on myself mostly. Yes I have my family and friends for support. I go to IC to work on what I want to change about myself. I do go out with friends when I can. All of my friends are married and most of them them have children. So it can be difficult at times to get together. I do lean on my family much of the time.

 

I know I still have a tough road ahead of me, but I look back at everything I have accomplished on my own this year and I am proud of myself. Most days I don't even think about my STBX or his GF. Unfortunately, there are small moments when I do. I hope that with time that will go away. I know that the only thing to do is keep busy, and about 95% of the time I do. I just need to stop that other 5%. I know I will. I am proud of all the work I have done so far. I will keep posting because on some days I feel down and coming here helps lift me up. So thanks to all that give advice and listen.

[sugarlove]

I remember when my ex-husband hang out constantly with one of his staff girls straight after separation. It hurts to know that he just threw away everything we build. I've 3 kids with him and it took me a long time to get over the betrayal. For a long time, I felt replaced by this woman who took on the role of his "wife" so willingly, she was someone I knew and trusted as well.

 

Just give it time. Eventually you just stop caring as much. It's hard to believe it now, but your exH will always be part of your kids lives. But you don't have to be let him be part of yours. Detachment works for me.

[jakrbbt]

Jealousy is fear of being replaced. Envy is wanting what others have. I think you are right that what you are feeling is jealousy, as opposed to envy-- and that is a good thing for your near-future happiness.

 

Imagine that some random man you didn't particularly care about told you that some other, random woman "had something" that you did not have? Would you care? No! I mean, the comment might be rude, and you would think he was a douchebag, but you wouldn't go around angst-ing about what this woman had that you did not. Because you would not be jealous-- no fear of being replaced, if you were never with the guy. And moreover, you would not be envious over what some random woman "has," because you are not envious. That's a big, fat positive right there. Jealousy is about relationships and can possibly heal. Envy is about qualities or things, and will always be an open wound with a new target. You have the healing kind of wound, the fear of being replaced. It is not based on your perceived detriments (e.g., "I have ugly hair and I go around envying all women with gorgeous locks every day forever)-- instead, it is based on the loss of the relationship and the loss of your place in the relationship. Well of course you are stinging from that-- the relationship is gone, after being probably a pretty constant part of your life. But next year, or the year after, or maybe next week, it won't be a gaping hole of gone-ness. It will simply be the past, like your old high school math class or something.

 

You can't possibly be replaced. You are a very nuanced an essential part of his past. I bet that you feel rejected, but I don't think it is that simple when two people were already in a serious relationship.

 

But you want to quell that 5% of pain right now, huh. I wish I had the cure for easing psychological pain.

 

But come on, five per cent? You have TOTALLY got that. That's nothing. You are in the home stretch. Healing the rest of the way will be child's play.

 

Here are some silly band-aids I use, and I'd say they work for ten or even twelve per cent:

 

1) I go to a pool and dive in, put my head under the water, swim a bit, and when I come out I feel tired and new, even if I've barely moved. Sometimes I get an illicit late-evening latte afterward. And I am not even a swimmer.

 

2) I watch "The Office" on my iPad for as many episodes as I can stay awake for. Though I'll warn you that that can produce that sick feeling next morning, of having wasted your time on tv. It helps if I read a transcript (my work) or paint during it.

 

3) I download an audio-book, historical fiction novel (my version of junk reading). I take my toddler on a long walk in the baby-jogger, with one earbud in so I can listen to the novel in one ear. I walk-jog until I sweat. Back before I had a child, long, Looooooonnnng walks were like magic (I'm talking a 3-hour walk). I'd collapse in bed afterward, sleep like a rock, and feel pretty awesome in the morning.

Even when I was a serious distance runner, the walk would bring me that immediate dreamless sleep.

 

4) hot yoga-- not for everyone, and in fact I don't even like yoga, but for me one session works like an emergency band-aid if I can afford the time.

 

5) physically showing up to something physically beautiful-- when I lived in Paris, that meant going to the Notre Dame Cathedral. Now, it means going to a nature reserve. I can't explain it. I never feel like going when I'm sad, but once I've forced myself, I find that it was essential.

 

 

The trick is to hit it right before that five-percent time of pain comes. But if the pain shows up, FORCE yourself to take the dip in the pool or whatever. Trust me, you are NOT ignoring your problems if you do that. You are healing them. Time is healing them anyway.

Edited July 1, 2014 by jakrbbt

[Habs33]

I do wish you the best of luck. Glad to hear things are getting easier for you. It certainly takes time. I have been separated two years and there are times it still feels like a bad dream.

I was a complete mess for the first year or more. My mind would not stop racing. Thinking about the past, thinking of her with her new boyfriend, wondering if she cheated on me.

I do my best to keep my mind off her as she has been completely miserable towards me. It has been a very bad pill to swallow but I do now realize she cares nothing about me. I wish her no ill will but really try to focus on me and my girls.

For me, time is the biggest healer. At the time, you do not want to hear it but time does heal.

[M30USA]

Still going through the process of divorce. My STBX starting dating someone about 4 months ago. My boys met her back in March. I don't like that he is dating so soon, but I can't do anything about that. I don't like that my boys have met her so soon, but again I can't do anything about that either.

 

What I don't like is that I think about it. My mind starts wandering and wondering what she has that I didn't. It drives me crazy that I think about this. It drives me crazy that I think about them at all, but it is hard to stop.

 

I keep myself as busy as possible, but those thoughts just find a way to creep in. What can I do to stop?

 

Who has primary custody? If you do, then you're in a better position than he is in when it comes time for both of you to move on. In this case your kids won't see the new woman as much as they'll see your new man (whenever that time comes).

[M30USA]

You guys have been separated about a year now if I can remember correctly from your other threads. A man will start to date after 8 mos separation and some sooner than that. Even if you don't want to start dating yet do you get together with friends in social situations and have fun? You need to do this to help you move on so you won't think of your ex and what he's doing.

 

2 years post divorce and haven't even gone on a date. I'm liking the way things are now and wouldn't change a thing. There have been 2 or 3 girls at work and classes who I clearly have made a connection with but I didn't pursue it. Didn't care too. I guess when I change my mind, that's when I'm ready for it all again.

[pureinheart]

Still going through the process of divorce. My STBX starting dating someone about 4 months ago. My boys met her back in March. I don't like that he is dating so soon, but I can't do anything about that. I don't like that my boys have met her so soon, but again I can't do anything about that either.

 

What I don't like is that I think about it. My mind starts wandering and wondering what she has that I didn't. It drives me crazy that I think about this. It drives me crazy that I think about them at all, but it is hard to stop.

 

I keep myself as busy as possible, but those thoughts just find a way to creep in. What can I do to stop?

 

((((((hugs)))))))

 

It's about accepting what you can't change...I have to pray about that very thing frequently. It is possible to change your thought processes. It's a challenge, but I did do it.

 

I'm ready a book that deals with the neurological aspects of changing your mind coupled with Scripture. It takes time and work...

 

A good Scripture for this is "casting down all vain imaginations and every high thing that exalts itself above the knowledge of God, and pulling every thought captive unto the obedience of Jesus Christ" ... that's from memory so hope it's right...