Worried and destroyed. LONG

[FlippinJacks]

Best friend for a long time, lived together through high school, went through many, many, MANY ups and downs. Always said that we were each others endgames, would be the Golden Girls.

 

 

I can't impress enough how important this woman is to me. We have not spoken in a very long time, and she is in a very bad place according to her father (who is essentially the only one she is in contact with).

 

 

I haven't SEEN her in ten years, but we always kept in constant contact, until she met this man. This man, in my opinion, is the bloody devil. He took advantage in every way, and I can't believe she has stayed with this slimy pos. It's been four very long years of this, and I think it finally took her out.

 

 

From what her dad has told me, she no longer can leave her home alone. Has severe panic attacks, works a backshift job with 2 old guys (so she doesn't socialize at ALL with other people) She doesn't speak to most of her family, or ANY of her old friends anymore. Has moved thousands of miles away from her dad with the POS.

 

 

I don't know what to do. I know there is actually nothing I can do, but I can't even think about her anymore without crying hysterically. This girl was my best friend, and a beautiful person, inside and out. The last time I got her to accept a phone call from me, she was crying because he hadn't touched her in over a year, has cheated on her multiple times, but WILL NOT let her go. They actually broke up once (or rather he kicked her to the curb - with NOWHERE to go I might add) but brought her back within two weeks of doing so.

 

 

This guy is a monster, she has flat out told her father that she needs help, like real help, for a variety of her problems, and has spoken to this idiot about it, he then acts as if he's all on board about helping her find help, but never does. He makes her feel like it's impossible, and that she's just "this way" and "there's nothing wrong with her"

 

 

Of course he doesn't want her to get help, he then wouldn't have his punching bag (Metaphorical - as far as I know he doesn't physically assault her). This guy has taken her out. I don't know how, but she was a strong girl before she met him, she had struggled with depression before, in fact she spent time in the hospital for attempted suicide, and it was only unsuccessful because someone had spidey senses to check on her. BUT she came through that, and was stronger because of it UNTIL this man.

 

 

I am just waiting every day for the phone call. The dreaded call that tells me my best friend is gone. I mean, she pretty much already is.

 

 

Can I physically go there and drag a fully grown woman from her home? No. But that's the only thing I can think of doing.

 

 

What really, REALLY upsets me is she thinks he's an OK guy, and SHE'S the F%^$ up. She actually believes that he loves her, and if she could improve herself things would be great.

 

 

No she's not ugly, she's a fitness freak, and works out a lot. He (apparently) is fat, how he has convinced her she is ugly, and worthless I will never, ever know. I want him to disappear. Forever.

 

 

I don't know what to do except wallow in my loss. I needed to get it out though, I don't know what else to do, but send my feelings out into the universe. Flush the toxic out.

[preraph]

Abusers have a way of picking someone who is vulnerable to be manipulated. Her depression and all that made her vulnerable. He has now convinced her everything is her fault and that's his way of controlling her. It is abuse. You didn't mention children. If there are children, you should make a call to CPS for that county and tell them what you know and have them at least check on the kids and that would help her get help as well because she can't tell them to go away and they'll keep coming back for awhile anyway. That would be the easiest way to help. She doesn't have to know it's you.

 

Next time you get her on the phone, you tell her point-blank that you feel she is in an emotionally abusive relationship and that it is not her fault and that he is controlling her and that if she ever wants you to help her get out, to call. And then if you ever get that call, phone 911 and send the police out but tell them she called you to help her out and try to get there in person to get her and take her away.

 

An old roommate of mine married a guy I knew wasn't right and told her I didn't trust, and she moved far away to an air force base with him and as soon as they did and were away from her support network, he began physically abusing her. He never had before then. Our punk friends were a deterrent.

 

She called me right away in the middle of the night and I just told her to leave now and come home, and she did. You know, you have to wonder why she didn't just get in the car and leave without even making the phone call, but sometimes your friends really do need you, so always make sure she knows you're there for her. That creep she married then went awol and came and stalked her, broke into her home here and everything. I had to kind of do tough love on her to keep her from starting to feel sorry for him or something. Anyway, he ended up in military prison diagnosed as a sociopath.

 

That same friend 35 years later lives in another town and been happily married for 30 years. Now her spouse has what is usually a terminal disease, so she is trying to run her business and deal with all the stress of that at the same time, plus she has her own vulnerabilities she has to deal with, being bipolar. It's quite a load on her. There isn't much I can do, being in another town, now, but I told her if she ever gets to the end of her rope, she can always get in the car and come stay with me, and I'd try to find help or whatever was needed for her family and business from here to keep it going while she destressed.

 

Just always let her know you're there and you're ready to really act on it if she says she needs help. Yes, her family should be doing it, but it doesn't surprise me her father is not because she learned her self-worth from him probably and he may think this is basically okay.