internet relationship

[cass]

I am an unhappily married woman with a child and have been chatting via Instant Messenger with a 25 year old single man for around 2-3 months (almost every night for at least 3 hours at a time). (I know I need to sort my marriage out but I'd be grateful just for advice on what this man could be thinking). One time for 7 hours (he opened up to me then about some problems he was having and said he trusted me and felt like he'd known me all his life). By the way, he is a mate of my brothers so knows of me and didn't meet in a chat room. We ended up getting intimate whilst chatting after we got to know each other, and then he backed off and didn't chat for 5 weeks which was very unusual. I sent him an email keeping it lighthearted and he responded saying he enjoyed/s all our chats a hell of a lot and keeps them all, but he was just very busy. We chatted a week after that a couple more times and it was back to normal (teasing, laughing, music talk, just having a great time). He asked me to dowload a song 3 times and even said 'DO IT NOW PLEASE' on Napster which is a ballad and is basically about a guy saying 'thank you for the love you brought to my heart' and 'sorry I've been distant, sometimes just too far away', if you'll forgive me' also 'you always come to my soul'. He also dowloaded one from me called Forever Autumn (a love song). He didn't talk then for 6 weeks. I emailed him asking to meet up because I found it confusing and because he knows of me and we are mates, why not. I mentioned that I valued our friendship after all our long chats and wasn't after an affair. His response was a bit cold and said he didn't want to give me unfair signals by meeting up. Another email later on he said he values all our time online together and will never forget that time I was there for him (7 hours), but his other online friends are not taking him not chatting no more personal, but I am and it's alarming. I was shocked by this because I have left him alone apart from the 1st email (which was curiousity as to why) and the second one about meeting up. His behaviour is so different from what I knew. I am wondering:

 

Am I making too much of the song - was he trying to say something?

 

As he is so young and I am unavailable romantically could he be scared he is falling for me and backed off or even that I am falling for him - he did say unfair signals - that implies I would want something from him

 

He obviously got a lot from our chats because of the phrases he used 'enjoyed them a hell of a lot' 'values greatly etc'

 

He is now making out that he is close to all his online friends. Could he just be saying that because I scared him to death with the suggestion of meeting.

 

We have had cybersex several times and even after him saying he wouldn't want to give me unfair signals it happened again. I know he's not after that because he would be chatting all the time and it is both of us - we just can't seem to help it.

 

I do want to remain friends and to do this am obviously going to resist talking like this to him (if we chat again). It is both of us which instigates this type of chat and not just me.

 

He does keep in contact and occasionally emails me at work with jokes etc and briefly says 'how are you' but doesn't let me know what's going on in his life no more and has changed.

 

Thank you - I'd appreciate some thoughts on the situation.

[Yumi]

He probably knows that what he did was wrong, that it kept you from working on your marriage, and is backing off because he either feels guilty or becasue he cares about you enough to want your marriage to be happy. And you should do the same.

 

Even WORRYING about what he's thinking doens't make sense and is totally irrelevent because YOU ARE MARRIED. If you are unhappily married, try ot work it out. Either make your marriage happy or get a divorce, and THEN maybe you can tlak about seeing other people. Forget aobut what his intentions are or were, write it off as a mistake you both made and focus on recreating a happy marriage.

 

Good luck!

 

Yumi

[Tony T]

Even if you were unmarried, this is one of the sorriest and most pathetic online situations I have heard described. He runs hot and cold, obviously because he finds other women and other things to occupy his time in between contact with you. Then he comes back to you and you get sucked right back in again. He is playing you for one big fool.

 

The fact that he doesn't want to meet with you in person also says a lot.

 

This is really a very sad situation that you've gotten yourself all wrapped up in. Write him off and start from scratch.

 

I'm sorry your marriage isn't working out. I doubt it ever will if you continue to carry on more cyber relationships...but I do wish you great luck with them.

 

Basically, your question was...what is this man thinking? What he is most probably thinking is you're one hell of a great lady to jerk around and play games with...because you keep coming back for more. I'm sure he thinks you are a perfect joy.

[Laurynn]

No offense, but if you've been spending 3 hours per night, chatting with this guy...it's no wonder your marriage isn't that great. 3 hours X 2-3 months adds up to a lot of hours you could have been spending with your husband and child......working on your 'troubled marriage'....right?

 

Perhaps the guys is distant because he knows how silly this all is. You are a MARRIED WOMAN with a FAMILY. You are not AVAILABLE.

 

What would your poor husband think if he knew you were having cybersex with this guy? Maybe you feel differently, but I think cybersex is cheating.

 

WOuldn't it make more sense to work on your trouble marriage (or end it/separate/file for divorce if it's non-fixable)..than to look for friendship/intimacy/whatever it is you're missing, with single men on the Internet??

 

Laurynn

[cass]

Thanks to people who have taken the trouble to reply to my message. I am a but disappointed that everyone so far as told me to work on my marriage. Of course I have to do that. I have been unhappy for 7 years and noone knows how I feel about that. I did not go looking for a single man to make me feel loved etc. He contacted me because he knew of me - we just hit it off and talked for hours. Sometimes things happen like that and never thought I was doing anything wrong towards my husband just because it happened to be a man.

 

Obviously things got carried away and what I was trying to ask is I don't want that I want friendship and hoped we could try and forget that part of things (hard I know).

 

This man is definetely not using me as suggested. For all I know he could think I'm using him. I'm the one whose married whilst he is the lonely one (I know he's lonely because he told my brother).

 

Can't anybody see that this guy might be confused and is not keeping away because he's playing a game with me, but keeping away because we were getting too close - sorry for those who said he may be feeling guilty about this. I think it is pretty synical to think that. So are you saying that the song etc and him valuing our time and our conversations was just a mind game? I don't think so. I did bring the subject up that he doesn't have to feel guilty because I chatted with him all those times (how could I be with my hubby and child, my child was in bed and my husband was usually out at the pub). He said I had got the wrong end of the stick and it's just because he has a lot on his plate and doesn't go online as much because of forced circumstances and through choice (I know he suffers from anxiety too and once said he had to change his lifestyle).

 

I want to keep the friendship, that's why I'm concerned about all this. There's nothing wrong with that. My marriage is not been affected by this - noone knows my marital situation. I am not after an affair. This man is immature and cannot fully communicate about issues like this anyway so it would be foolish to think he could give me what I need emotionally. I just love his company on line.

 

Thanks again