karlym3 Posted February 17, 2005 Share Posted February 17, 2005 how come some women get to be girlfriends while others become booty calls!!?? (even if we hold out on the sex--such as cuddling booty calls) how do you get yourself out of the trap.. I find that time and time again when they are done with me... they find their true love and have a relationship with them. WHY CANT I BE THAT GIRL? Link to post Share on other sites
emopunk Posted February 17, 2005 Share Posted February 17, 2005 Ahh yes, the female equivalent of "nice guy syndrome." Important thing to remember here is that you are not alone. There are many, many others like you. The answer to your question... well, its not pretty. Most of the guys in society today have a twisted sense of conduct. They're out for themselves. They have no honor. They know they can get what they want at the time from you... but they have no real respect for you. The only time I think that it (sex should only be in more serious relationships in my opinion) is appropriate is if you're casually dating. Most guys, and in fact some women seem to forget or choose to not to acknowledge how fragile human emotions are. Little things can shatter emotions. This is not a personality defect as some here would say. It is, however, a fundamental aspect of emotions. WHY CANT I BE THAT GIRL? The only advice I can offer is to be more aware of the type of guy you're getting involved with. Watch them interact with others women, and his true colors will show. If he plays the field to see where easy targets are, then you'll know who he is. But if he interacts and keeps you close or makes frequent eye contact with you, you know he's serious about you. Don't lose hope though. It'll happen for you sooner or later. And a guy who makes a booty call outside of a relationship isn't worth staying with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author karlym3 Posted February 17, 2005 Author Share Posted February 17, 2005 That is good advice. I always hold out on sex for a long time but even so I always wind up with the guy who tell me straight up they want frends with benefits, not interested in having a gf, scared of relationships. Then a few weeks later.. they have a girlfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 17, 2005 Share Posted February 17, 2005 I was in that boat too, and figured I was cursed to always be the "friend girl" or the "friends with benefits" girl. It had been like that from the beginning of dating until I was in my mid twenties. Here's what I pinpointed - stuff gathered from male friends and I who talked it out, personal observations, etc - some of them aren't going to be nice, but they really aren't meant to be personal toward anyone: just general stuff. Friend girl warnings/observations - a guy will have sex under a good deal of circumstances (if its really good and there's no emotional pressure he'll stick around for a while but he still won't take you on "real" dates), and having sex with a guy should never be a "clue that there's more to it" - if any of these other factors are involved it may be time to walk away: 1. You remind them in any way/shape/form of a sibling or family member and they tell you that. 2. You are insecure and they sense that you 'need' them rather than 'want' them, and they feel obligated rather than 'chosen'. 3. They only call you or talk to you when they need/want something. 4. They don't arrange dates or pick up up from home: its more of a "let's meet at ___'s place" or "meet me at the club around __o'clock". 5. You have a reputation (real or imagined) for being promiscuous - guys don't want their friends ragging them about dating the "slut" that everyone else has had. Its brutal, but trust me - my guy friends are ruthless when they are out of available female earshot. If a guy gets ragged, he will generally keep it on the down low so no one can find out - or he makes it obvious to his friends he's only in it for the sex. And yes, I have been witness to guys 'comparing notes'. Its ugly. 6. You persue them aggressively. Some guys like this, most don't. Not many guys wants his friends to think he's with a strong woman who will "pussywhip" him or make him "her bitch" and rag him for it. If you come on strong, he may go for it sexually but he probably won't be pursuing you - rather he'll just not say no when you come on to him or go out of your way to see him. 7. You don't fit in in any way with his family, friends, or peers - a guy will generally tend to go with "like with like" for girlfriends or wives. Not always, but usually. 8. You talk to him like a guy would - if he is as comfortable with you as he is with his guy friends and he is openly crass, gross or frank with you then he probably won't date you, as you are in a category with "one of the guys" - it won't stop him from having sex with you, but a guy generally wants to date and pursue a woman that represents the flip side of "guy-ness". That sort of comfort level is fine for someone in a long-term sort of thing after getting to know someone and falling in love, but if it starts that way early on then there is no 'mystique' to it. Its just a matter of having a 'buddy' who happens to have an available vagina. The key is to find a guy who is emotionally strong, and does not hold 'what others think' above what he wants for himself. Its not really much you have to change about yourself - its more or less a matter of presenting yourself in such a way that doesn't leave him open to take advantage of you. It helps to be secure, and unafraid to lose a guy who isn't treating you like you want to be treated. The more willing and able you are to walk away, the less likely you are going to be taken advantage of. If you remain in a situation that you don't like - then in some way you are letting him know that you are condoning it: otherwise you wouldn't be there. It isn't easy - it took me a long time to break out of that "friend girl/FWB" curse. But I'm glad that I did! Link to post Share on other sites
Author karlym3 Posted February 17, 2005 Author Share Posted February 17, 2005 2. You are insecure and they sense that you 'need' them rather than 'want' them, and they feel obligated rather than 'chosen'. 4. They don't arrange dates or pick up up from home: its more of a "let's meet at ___'s place" or "meet me at the club around __o'clock". 6. You persue them aggressively. Some guys like this, most don't. Not many guys wants his friends to think he's with a strong woman who will "pussywhip" him or make him "her bitch" and rag him for it. If you come on strong, he may go for it sexually but he probably won't be pursuing you - rather he'll just not say no when you come on to him or go out of your way to see him. Ok so those three apply to me. I need to change. That was an awesome reply thanks. Now any advice on how to change things ??? Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 17, 2005 Share Posted February 17, 2005 Those can be the hardest ones to deal with. They were for me, anyway. 1. You have to force yourself to be, or at least appear to be secure. If the guy gets wishy-washy and says "well, I'm not sure if I can make it over - I might be busy..." then you can reply with "that's ok, I have plans tonight anyway. Talk to you later" don't elaborate and end the conversation. Basically, you want to give him the impression that he is not the center of your life or the only source for your happiness. 2. If he says "meet me at __'s" then you just say "no, I'm sorry - I have something else I need to get done tonight". Again, don't elaborate - doing this makes it clear that you have better things to do than just showing up on someone else's terms like a typical booty call girl. If he really wants you to go - he'll ask if he can pick you up so that he's sure you'll be there. 3. If you are already involved, then you'll want to just stop being so available. It's a simple case of being so afraid that he's going to leave you that you are making all the moves for him to assure that it won't happen. You have to let the guy chase you, not the other way around. The bad part is that if the guy isn't all that interested to begin with and was only in it because you happened to be available, then nothing you do will make him want to chase you. Its about a difficult thing: inner strength and security. At first you may have to just give the appearance that you have these things, and in time with some practice you'll find that it comes easier. You have to be strong enough to take the chance to lose someone. If you walk away, and the guy doesn't come after you - you have to keep walking away. Doubling back and chasing him down only accomplishes one thing: you make yourself available to be used by a guy who wouldn't take the time or make the effort to go after you on his own. There are guys out there who will make the effort. Who will come after you when you walk away. But if you don't give them the chance, what would be the motivation for doing so? Let him know you aren't happy with the situation and why. The just turn and walk away. The hardest thing is to walk away. To turn your back and just start walking. If he's interested in more than just your worth as an "available girl" - he'll come after you. If not, then you'll know that he isn't interested in the type of relationship you want. Link to post Share on other sites
karly Posted February 18, 2005 Share Posted February 18, 2005 You have such awesome advice. I copy and pasted it/printed it and im keeping it to look at daily!!!! I feel so much better after reading it and im going to make sure I follow it, always. Thanks so much!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
dan123 Posted February 18, 2005 Share Posted February 18, 2005 Its just a matter of having a 'buddy' who happens to have an available vagina. Thats funny! =) Link to post Share on other sites
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