Would you take your partner to the places you were with your AP?

[Peacock_Tail]

I'm curious, as before I started NC, I stalked (horrible idea, I know) and I saw that my ExAP took her partner to places where we shared beautiful memories, even to the one where our affair started. They even did the same things.

 

In my case, I would never do that.

[OWAmy]

Yes stalking does bring things into a whole new league, but at least you realise this now and hopefully can put this down to moments of madness.

 

I recently stopped been the OW.

 

In the past I took my xMM to a quaint little restaurant that I had been to with a long term love, a guy from a disastrous relationship and a place where I had met someone on a date. The reason I do this is to neutralise old memories so i can move on. I inadvertently attach lots of memories to places so I can only think that I am trying to lessen their impact/power over me. It is nothing personal. She might do the same.

 

To me, there are no beautiful memories of my xMM because it wasn't a proper relationship. It was all make believe. As a person I still think of him fondly but that is because I hold myself 50% accountable for the affair.

[bentleychic]

I've requested MM never bring me to places that he's brought his W. We can go to the same cities, etc., but not the same specific locations (i.e a certain cabin or whatever). I wouldn't do it if I had a significant other. I like to keep special memories special.

 

Since exH rarely did stuff with us as a family, I don't have to worry about those memories interfering with things MM and I do.

[greenbee81]

What is AP?

 

I don't go to any of places I took my ex. I'm assuming she's doing the same, but better safe than sorry.

 

Besides it's fun finding new things to do or eat.

[Scarlet2]

My MM doesn't like to be seen in public with me because of his fear of being caught but he'll take his W to my favorite places so that he can think of me and she's there by proxy. Totally messed up. I should be there with him experiencing it together but whatever...

[adna89]

My MM doesn't like to be seen in public with me because of his fear of being caught but he'll take his W to my favorite places so that he can think of me and she's there by proxy. Totally messed up. I should be there with him experiencing it together but whatever...

 

I can see he makes you fall for his lies.If it was like that he would be with you there,he would not be so afraid to get caught

[Red123]

My MM doesn't like to be seen in public with me because of his fear of being caught but he'll take his W to my favorite places so that he can think of me and she's there by proxy. Totally messed up. I should be there with him experiencing it together but whatever...

 

This sounds very sad to me. Why would he take her to your favorite places? Are they hers too or his? Maybe he enjoys going there with her and don't you find it suspect that he says he takes her to think of you? Can't he think of you at home or somewhere else. It sounds like he is saying that either be cruel to you or make excuses for taking his wife out. How do you know he takes her to your fave places?

[Scarlet2]

adna89, I wrestle with this all the time. I assume he is this way because he's not willing to risk losing both of us. Everyone on this board tells me he isn't going to leave his W but if I left him, it will probably not hurt him at all since he isn't taking risks and he'll still have his W but it would hurt me immensely.

 

Red123, I will mention places that I want to go with him or my favorites that he hasn't been to and he'll end up going shortly after I brought it up because I see him checking into them on facebook with her name attached. Maybe he goes out of curiosity instead. Regardless of the why, it is cruel that I want to go with him but he goes with his W, but he has every right to since he's married. If she's always with him whenever she's not working, she's going to wonder where he's going without her, so that's why he doesn't know how to take me places without drawing suspicions. Plenty of people live double lives all the time by he hasn't been able to figure out how it works yet.

 

ThatsJustHowIRoll, as sad as it is, this is actually better than any other relationship I've ever had. It could always be worse and it might not be the best but if it's not meant to be then it will run its course. All the good and bad and ups and downs of life are learning experiences and I'm grateful.

[lovinDKT3]

adna89, I wrestle with this all the time. I assume he is this way because he's not willing to risk losing both of us. Everyone on this board tells me he isn't going to leave his W but if I left him, it will probably not hurt him at all since he isn't taking risks and he'll still have his W but it would hurt me immensely.

 

Red123, I will mention places that I want to go with him or my favorites that he hasn't been to and he'll end up going shortly after I brought it up because I see him checking into them on facebook with her name attached. Maybe he goes out of curiosity instead. Regardless of the why, it is cruel that I want to go with him but he goes with his W, but he has every right to since he's married. If she's always with him whenever she's not working, she's going to wonder where he's going without her, so that's why he doesn't know how to take me places without drawing suspicions. Plenty of people live double lives all the time by he hasn't been able to figure out how it works yet.

 

ThatsJustHowIRoll, as sad as it is, this is actually better than any other relationship I've ever had. It could always be worse and it might not be the best but if it's not meant to be then it will run its course. All the good and bad and ups and downs of life are learning experiences and I'm grateful.

 

Scarlet, this sounds so disrespectful to me. Maybe I'm wrong, but it seems like he is rubbing your nose in it. Almost like he is making sure you understand your place as the "side" woman.

 

As for the thread subject. H and I were in Miami during my affair and he had booked us a room in a hotel chain that I once was with OM. I totally freaked out when we pulled into the parking lot. I made him go some where else. Once H figured out about the A, that was one of the first questions he asked, had I been there with the OM.

 

Since I have become totally open and honest, he is more concerned about my triggers then his own when it comes to places I spent time with OM. My A was mostly an EA for companionship so for almost all our met ups there were in public places while H traveled for work. I still try to avoid these places, hopeful in time I will not give it a second thought. He has moved past it and I'm trying.

[chelsea2011]

Scarlet, I agree with lovinDKT3 in saying he is being disrespectful. Shoving it in your face like that so you know your place is a subtle way of abusing you. He may be nice to you in person, but when he turns around and does stuff like that he is showing you who he really is. A person can tell you anything, they can even do things for you that make it seem like they are genuine and really care however, it's their actions that speak volumes. As a matter of fact, the things they do - if you really think about it - cost them nothing. You are in too deep to see that what he is doing isn't really that nice. You are looking at it through a rosey lens and ignoring the warning signs.

 

Try taking a step back and start looking at all those times when your gut was questioning his actions and you chose to ignore your instincts.

Edited June 28, 2014 by chelsea2011

[chelsea2011]

To answer the opening post's question, no, I wouldn't want to go places with someone new that I frequented wth an ex. I would want to do things that are unique and special in the new relationship.

[gettingstronger]

We had the flip- they ended up places (cities, etc but not the same hotels- we stay in better hotels when we travel than he does on business) my husband and I had been to- I guess in some ways its unavoidable since we travel a lot and he travels on business and she would fly out (at her expense) to meet him-

It does give one an odd feeling of overlap though- on that I agree-

[still_an_Angel]

Not a good idea, it will creep me out.

[jwi71]

I'm curious, as before I started NC, I stalked (horrible idea, I know) and I saw that my ExAP took her partner to places where we shared beautiful memories, even to the one where our affair started. They even did the same things.

 

In my case, I would never do that.

 

Can you clarify as I see multiple angles here:

 

You can't do "that" because it was an A or you can't do "that" because a previous flame and yourself did that - and it somehow spoils it?

 

I have most certainly taken my W to places my xW - and even exGF's went - why not? The only baggage there is that which I choose to carry.

[Cressida]

No, because I don't have a partner at the moment....but my MM did that in reverse. He took me everywhere he'd ever taken his 'family', w and kids. He said he didn't want me to miss out on things:laugh: really.....anyway.

Does this mean something?

[Got it]

If I like a place why wouldn't I bring others to it? I guess I am not fully understanding things. There were places I discovered that I brought my ex husband to, then my AP/husband, and if we break up I may bring others. I guess I see them as "my" place not "ours". There were places that I went to with my husband that I did bring my AP to but I didn't see them as ours but mine. They were more me than they were a reflection of us. But I did bring my AP to a concert that was a band that was definitely an "us". I liked them so I wanted to share it with my AP. I was done with the marriage so there was no interest/emotions on trying to reserve anything for just it. (if that makes sense).

[cocorico]

Of course I take my partner to the same places I took my AP - they are the same person!

 

During the A, did he take me to places he'd gone with his BW? They'd lived very separate lives, so there wasn't much "going anywhere" with her, but this is a small place and so of course we shopped where she shopped, went to live music at the same venues she would have attended had she been interested in live music, etc.

 

I guess that, in the same way that we spent months cleansing, cleaning and redoing the house she had lived in with him and the kids before we moved into it, part of our going to those same places were a "cleansing" for him of any memories or associations of her he had, to neutralise negative vibes. I remember seeing a thread on the Infidelity forum about something similar from the BS viewpoint, of wanting her WS to take her where he took his lover, so she could "reclaim" those places for herself.

[Raena]

This is an interesting topic and odd because I was just talking about this with a friend yesterday.

 

My ex is now with the OW and he's making a big show out of doing every single thing he did with me... with her. Takes her to the same places, does the same activities and so on. It's almost like he wants to wipe my existence from the planet or at least from his memories. I don't understand that really, it's not like I was horrible to him or anything. It's a slap in my face that he does this. If I were her, it would bother me. Why would he feel the need to try and recreate what he had with me, with her? Doesn't she feel weird about always being in my shadow or knowing that the memories they are making in those places are tainted by his memories of me there too? Why not just make NEW memories together in places that he didn't go with me? Personally I think it is affecting her because she's still very obsessive about me. It's not like it's just one place that they happened to go to where he had been with me. It's every single thing... hiking the same trails, fishing in the same spots, eating dinner at the same restaurants he and I used to go to, cooking the same meals for her that he cooked for me, buying furniture that looks exactly like the stuff he and I had together, going to the same bars he and I used to hang out at, going to the same amusement parks and it goes on and on and on. He's living the exact same life he and I had together... just replaced me with a younger crazier crackhead version of me.

 

Personally, I don't care. She can have those memories. I'm ready to move on and experience new things with new people. I just find it very odd that she would find it so enjoyable to be in my shadow all the time or that he wouldn't want to move on and have new experiences as well instead of repeating the same stuff over and over again.

[MissBee]

I'm curious, as before I started NC, I stalked (horrible idea, I know) and I saw that my ExAP took her partner to places where we shared beautiful memories, even to the one where our affair started. They even did the same things.

 

In my case, I would never do that.

 

It depends on how the person views it and how removed they are from it.

 

While for you it may mean a lot, maybe for her she doesn't think of it in the same way or for some people they want to erase the old memories so want to go that place with a new person and make the most recent memories with them instead.

 

I've been out of the A for years, nothing is sacred or special about it to me in the sense that there are no longer any places I'd avoid or really associate with my exAP anymore. I wouldn't purposefully try to go to some place I went with him with my now bf, but if I happened to, it would have nothing to do with him.

[Popsicle]

My MM doesn't like to be seen in public with me because of his fear of being caught but he'll take his W to my favorite places so that he can think of me and she's there by proxy. Totally messed up. I should be there with him experiencing it together but whatever...

 

Really? Did he tell you that?

I'm asking because I was talking to him about how much I wanted to take up this specific hobby that MM had never done before, then next thing I know he's taking up that hobby himself and bringing his wife along. He didn't know I knew and I was pissed at first, but then a friend told me that he probably did it just so he can think about me. Lately he's been telling me about it too. Like he brings it up in way that seems like he's trying to impress me that he does it now. I was the one who told him about it!

Edited July 1, 2014 by Popsicle

[BeingMe]

You're not going to like this....

 

...my STBXH took me to all their 'special' places after he finally admitted the affair. In each place,he told me what they had said/done and how sorry he was. It was a way of trying to keep me and show me that he was now being open and honest with me. It was him pushing her firmly under the bus.

 

Of course he couldn't keep it up. It was never about the latest AP, or me, it was about his own brokenness. That's why he's now my STBXH, rather than my H.

 

Please be gentle on yourself and know that you deserve better than a MM who behaves like this.