vangely Posted June 27, 2014 Share Posted June 27, 2014 (edited) Hi! I've got a bit of a situation I'm obsessing over, hopefully writing it down or reading your opinions will offer me the clarity to be able to let it go somewhat.. Just to give you some background information: I'm a 29 y/o female, generally considered attractive (not intending to sound cocky about this). I'm single, and at the place where I work this is general knowledge. I got to know a colleague at work 6 months ago, who from the beginning took on this provocative attitude, but not necesarilly directed at me personally - or not that I noticed the first month; I barely registered him. I did know he had a girlfriend, because he mentioned her right at the beginning. Over time I got to appreciate him as we shared the same sense of humour and kind of the same background. After a while though I thought I started noticing other things - and I cannot figure whether I'm imagining it or whether it's real. I'd see him staring at me, and when cathing him he'd give me cheeky smirks; he'd remember details about me I didn't even remember sharing; whenever we'd talk, our gazes would lock for a little longer than seemed normal; he accidentally let slip out 'hey sexy' when I came in; one day he would wink at me every time he'd pass me; he's always tapping me on the shoulder or prodding me in the side. OK - I'm not completely stupid and do realise this is obvious flirting. BUT he's got a girlfriend and I'm just wondering (realising I'm generalising) whether guys just flirt because of the fun of it, and/or WHY someone'd do this when they're in a relationship, and if he has any idea/intention of the emotions he's provoking - is this acceptable when you're in a relationship, and separate from the fact that I don't want to come in between him and his GF, should I take any of this seriously? This because I like him as a person and really appreciate his sense of humour and love the chemistry between us. If I can understand his motivation it's possibly easier to accept my own feelings and deal with the situation... Hopefully this all made sense :S Thanks for reading! Edited June 27, 2014 by vangely Link to post Share on other sites
StalwartMind Posted June 28, 2014 Share Posted June 28, 2014 (edited) "I'm just wondering (realising I'm generalising) whether guys just flirt because of the fun of it". I'm sure some guys are, just like some girls would to. People have completely different views on what is acceptable to do while they are in a relationship. All couples have different rules, but the question is what do you think of all of this. You write you don't want to come between him and his girlfriend, but you also wonder how seriously you should take this. I'll give you my personal view, as a man and it may in no way be unique. I simply wouldn't flirt with another woman while being in a relationship. There is a reason why I am in a relationship in the first place and that's because I very much love the woman I am with. I wouldn't feel like throwing away or even chance something i value and feel passionate about. He could very well be testing the waters, "maybe you are something better/an upgrade", who knows really. Loyalty can easily be tossed about, and I'm sure there are people whom can explain/rationalize any action they do and what is right or wrong. Do you want to pursue "something that may be there" with someone whom could do the same to you? Sure there is the chance he'll never do, you may end up being the most happy couple on this planet and enjoy a fantastic life. When everything comes to it, if you want to be completely literal about life, relationships and people, there really is no right and wrong, it's just life. (That of course can sound incredibly pessimistic and negative) however, what you need to find out is where your own morale stands, what you are willing to put up with and do. Everyone is completely different. All I can say is my personal view and I wouldn't be very much attracted to this person, regardless of chemistry or not, but that's because of my personal preference and what I value strongly. I'm open minded and I always try to understand why people do x,y,z and I can understand why people find certain things appealing, regardless if i agree or like it myself. You know yourself best (hopefully), so you should know what to do, whatever your gut feel is, whatever pulls you to make the choice that is right for you, is right for you. Edited June 28, 2014 by StalwartMind 2 Link to post Share on other sites
travelbug1996 Posted June 28, 2014 Share Posted June 28, 2014 YOu should be offended by a guy who has a girlfriend flirting with you. He's trying to see if you respect yourself enough to tell him to **** off. Or if you will bite the bait and deal with him while he has a gf. His actions should be unacceptable to you unless he was single. Link to post Share on other sites
chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted June 28, 2014 Share Posted June 28, 2014 YES, lots of men (and women!) flirt just for the fun of it. To them, it's a harmless diversion and they don't really consider the feelings they might be provoking in others. Is it acceptable? That depends; maybe his girlfriend is a flirt too. Maybe she knows and doesn't care. All relationships are different. I would not take any of this seriously and I'd tell him to can it. Single or not, calling someone "sexy" at the office is really inappropriate and disrespectful of your professional standing. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 28, 2014 Share Posted June 28, 2014 I guess as long as he doesn't take it to the next level and become a cheater by really hitting on you, he has drawn his line at being flirtatious without any further intentions. I'm sure he likes you, thinks you're attractive. As long as he doesn't escalate, I wouldn't call him a bad guy. Of course, guys doing this (and women) may unintentionally get embroiled if they get someone very stirred up and it's a person who gets vindictive when they don't follow through, so it's not great policy in the workplace. Link to post Share on other sites
Author vangely Posted June 29, 2014 Author Share Posted June 29, 2014 Thanks all so much for your replies - every opinion helps for me to determine how I should deal with this. I just want to add that I don't work in an office but that this is taking place in a practical work space environment where "professionalism" is hardly relevant. I always think I'm in control of my own emotions and sometimes feel like I'm consciously pushing myself to fall for someone, but I'm struggling with keeping myself under control with this; I'll see where it goes. I think I need a holiday ;') Best wishes! Link to post Share on other sites
Author vangely Posted July 8, 2014 Author Share Posted July 8, 2014 OK - a quick follow up.. Last Sunday I had a shift overlapping his, he finished 4 hours earlier but hung around (to my dismay!). Usually I'd be bouncing with joy, but as my best friend was coming 'round at work - who is amazingly hot and male - I was worried he'd think of him as someone I have a romantic interest in. My friend indeed came for a visit and shortly after the guy in question announced he was going home cause he was feeling 'fried' after work. He 100% ignored my friend and didn't even so much as glance in his direction. He looked at me, gave me some kind of sneaky high five and went home. Considering I am reading all the singals wrong anyway, and he has no special feelings in particular for me, could this event have put him off? Or will this possibly make him chase me more? And how should I set it right if it has put him off, or shouldn't I do anything? I'm so clueless - hopeless - ridiculous, but thanks for reading nevertheless..! -_- Link to post Share on other sites
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