Boyfriend and female friend

[quitecontrary]

My boyfriend is friends with a girl who he once dated and who he had an ongoing "thing" for. She decided that she did not want to date him, but given the chance (before he met me), he would have dated her again. She is very pretty and seems very nice. He also has a special, cutesy nickname for her.

 

I sometimes see that the two have been texting (offhandedly while he is on his phone. I have never snooped and have no idea what the messages say) but it makes me feel insecure. I trust my boyfriend completely -- trust is not the issue or I'd be reading the texts. He wants me to be friends with her, but I feel uncomfortable being around someone he finds so attractive and wanted to date.

 

I understand that I may be beng irrational, but am I completely wrong here? It feels disrespectful to tell me about their history and then continue to talk to her and pressure me into incorporating her into our circle of friends. if I'm being unfair, I can own up to that. It's not the friendship that's troublesome, but the history.

 

Thanks so much!

Edited June 28, 2014 by quitecontrary

[WhiskeyJack]

I feel like with the history they have it's disrespectful for you. Especially if he really wanted to date her again but she shut him down. In this case I would not be ok with them texting or trying to incorporate her, I wouldn't say stop texting, but to just keep it to a minimum.

 

Honestly I'm pretty laid back when it comes to ex's and texting/still being friends, but even this would make me insecure.

[thekid36]

My boyfriend is friends with a girl who he once dated and who he had an ongoing "thing" for. She decided that she did not want to date him, but given the chance (before he met me), he would have dated her again. She is very pretty and seems very nice. He also has a special, cutesy nickname for her.

 

I sometimes see that the two have been texting and it makes me feel insecure. I trust my boyfriend completely -- trust is not the issue. He wants me to be friends with her, but I feel uncomfortable being around someone he finds so attractive and wanted to date.

 

I understand that I may be beng irrational, but am I completely wrong here? It feels disrespectful to tell me about their history and then continue to talk to her and pressure me into incorporating her into our circle of friends. if I'm being unfair, I can own up to that.

 

Thanks so much!

 

 

Hi! Perplexing position you are in. First of all, your thoughts are valid. Not within the definition that there is something to worry about. Just by the fact that they are yours and relate to this situation. It is important to recognize this.

 

 

I can see how you would feel uncomfortable around someone he finds so attractive that the desire used to be there to date her. The positive sign is that he seems to want to have the three of you interact together. This suggests that he truly has nothing at all to hide.

 

 

You could bring up your issues of comfort of course. The thing is that there is always going to be another woman who may be more attractive, nicer, more educated, or sexier. I am speaking in terms of your own opinion. In this case, you may just have to stick with the trust. He is your boyfriend and not hers. Nor, anyone else's. There is a definite reason as to this.

 

 

So, you are not being irrational nor unfair at all. You may just want to be a little more reserved in how you react right now. So as to see how all of this continues to develop. Nothing is throwing up a red flag to me.

[haribogumsnickers]

At the very least, he's honest enough to tell you about their so called friendship. He's still a tool for being friends with someone who friend zoned him in the first place and wants you to be friends with her too? Sure, I'll be friends with her...on facebook. Screw that noise. If he gets too cutesy of a friend with her, then drop him. Literally like physically drop him with a nice left hook. Disregard that last one.

[artsygirl78]

This is a dynamic that I went through which ended up being a dealbreaker in my LTR (you can read my full sob story on my original thread post found on my profile) so I feel compelled to put in my two cents

 

From my personal experience, what is very important is a) the energy and dynamic you see them playing out with one another and b) how respectful your boyfriend is of YOUR boundaries. There will always be other women that you will see as prettier, a better catch, etc etc - it is only human to sometimes feel worried about your beau leaving you for someone different - but what makes a difference, what will make you feel safe, is how your boyfriend respects what YOU NEED to feel comfortable in the relationship. The grey area history they have is already something to keep an eye on. My ex had this exact same story with a woman he considered his best friend, and in the end it became a deal breaker because even AFTER I told my boyfriend what I needed to feel safe, they still carried on in a flirtatious manner, and the woman in particular was disrespectful.

 

You are in the early days of dating, be as graceful as possible, but keep an eye out and just watch how he and she act around one another, and act towards you. If you feel uneasy or feel you are being disrespected, be very clear with your boyfriend about what is or is not going to be acceptable. You deserve to feel safe and respected in your relationship. It is your boyfriend's job to court you and to make you feel safe, it should be important to him how you feel. You should never be forced into hanging out, etc. Keep your boundaries with the other girl. Do not put yourself in a social situation that feels uncomfortable to you.

 

For me personally, grey area relationships do not fly - where there is smoke, there is usually fire. If your guy thinks he should be allowed to socialize and keep in touch with a woman he is sexually attracted to, he had better step up to the plate and do whatever is necessary to show this woman that you are the girlfriend, and that you are special. Do not settle for less.

[quitecontrary]

Thank you all for your insight, stories and for taking the time to help me with my current situation. I was starting to feel like I was crazy for my feelings of discomfort, and I was very apologetic with my boyfriend because I told him that I was so uncomfortable. I felt that I had been very unfair by feeling hurt.

 

I appreciate all of the responses, and I have so much to think about. I now feel more confident in my feelings and I think that it's important to have that discussion with my boyfriend.

 

Thank you so much!

[No Limit]

He's definitely NOT over her and let's be honest... if she'd suddenly change her mind he'd be at her side faster than he could type the text message to break up with you.

 

You're 'second best' in this 'relationship'. If that's enough for you there's nothing you have to worry about.

[ExpatInItaly]

That would not sit well with me, either. Explain your position and enforce your boundaries. She might be a decent person, but there's no real reason you need to befriend her. Why does your boyfriend want you to do so? Doesn't she have her own friends? I think it's odd it didn't occur to him that bringing her around would make you uncomfortable.

 

Do they sometimes hang out? How long ago did they date?

[d0nnivain]

It definitely makes you his second choice. For that alone, I don't know that I would want to continue.

[BetrayedH]

If you're an avid reader, I'd suggest the book, Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass.

 

I wouldn't necessarily say that his friendship is "disrespectful" because that seems to imply intent. But I would definitely say that it's a mistake. Most people don't realize that these opposite-sex friendships are very dangerous to their romantic relationships. Frankly, both of you need to have strict boundaries in place about this. The fact that he had a crush on her before is even more reason for him to kill that connection.