Regret closure email letter [update]

[dumbass2]

Its definitely okay to feel this way. You will feel up and down, and right and wrong all in one day! Heck, all in one hour! It's crazy, really. But talk about it, ask your questions to anyone willing to listen. I know I did, and I still do, ask myself so many things. And I think about him a lot, not nearly as much as I used to but I do. It's inevitable, but so is healing. You will heal, all in your own time, I promise.

My ex and I originally broke up March of last year, I did no contact (although I didn't know it) for the most part, seeing him every so often though at his request, and I was fine within a few months... He came back to me and I didn't want anything but after time I decided to give him another chance and yet again everything came crumbling down. Since then we've just prolonged the pain, at least I have.

20 days later of strict no contact, I have such a new perspective on our relationship... Give yourself time and you will too and see that none of this is worth being on your mind. You live and you learn, we all do crazy things for people we believe love us, but in reality, you don't leave something precious to you.... so what are we?

We can't be that important to them, so why have them run your life?

More so, when they are choosing not to be a part of it.

 

Bingo on your last line, "they are choosing not to be a part of it"

I need to keep telling myself that. She is the one that told me she didn't want to see me anymore. She ended it whether she ment it or not. If she didn't mean it, well, that was a pretty crappy way of testing me. I'm guessing she didn't take enough time to think it through it. Maybe she did after my email letter since she said it was difficult for her which is why it took her so long to reply, which she didn't have to. And why was it so difficult for her if she was the one that brought it on? I still will regret sending that email because no matter what, it was too early and after weeks of thinking, I don't feel the same way as it came off like, though in the end, it may have been what I sent 6 months or a year down the road if I felt it necessary. It wasn't a mean break up at all, just very confusing and very nice on both ends which is why I think this has been so hard.

[dumbass2]

I am a bit impulsive so I would reply right away... but that doesn't mean she thinks the way I do. When she is ready she will reply, don't wait for it. It may not come at all.

 

So about 2 weeks after I mailed the letter I get a call from her and it went to voicemail because I couldn't pick up at the time and she left a message that she got the letter and to give her a call. I called about 2 hours later and we talked for about 45 minutes. Caught up on things we were doing and talked about our emails and my letter and cleared the air a bit. We agreed to keep communication open and do what we feel is right, which means not bug or harass each other, but keep things on polite terms which we have all throughout. I am surprised that she called. I thought I might get a text or email and was leaning towards probably getting nothing after 5 days past. It reminds me of why this has been so hard for both of us. She is a good person and I have always felt that way about her, she just doesn't know what she wants right now.

[dumbass2]

Does anyone think after reading through this post and the fact that she called (when we hadn't talked on the phone in 2-1/2 months, only email and text), that she may be starting to figure things out? Dating is not easy at our age. Should I take the call as a positive towards possibly getting back a little further down the road and that she still has feelings for me? We did have a nice talk, not awkward at all, but she did say that she wasn't seeing anyone and asked if I was. Though we agreed to leave communication open, I need to let her make the next move. The ball is in her court and she knows how I feel. I would not want to rush back into a close relationship. I would like to take things slow if we did start seeing each other again.

Edited July 9, 2014 by dumbass2

[BC1980]

Does anyone think after reading through this post and the fact that she called (when we hadn't talked on the phone in 2-1/2 months, only email and text), that she may be starting to figure things out? Dating is not easy at our age. Should I take the call as a positive towards possibly getting back a little further down the road and that she still has feelings for me? We did have a nice talk, not awkward at all, but she did say that she wasn't seeing anyone and asked if I was. Though we agreed to leave communication open, I need to let her make the next move. The ball is in her court and she knows how I feel. I would not want to rush back into a close relationship. I would like to take things slow if we did start seeing each other again.

 

I doubt the call means anything positive as far as getting back together. It's neutral really. She was probably trying to be nice by calling. I mean, you basically baited her into responding. You sent the letter in hopes of provoking some type of response, so I doubt she would have contacted you with the letter.

 

If she wants to reconcile, she will let you know. It won't be a guessing game.

[dumbass2]

I doubt the call means anything positive as far as getting back together. It's neutral really. She was probably trying to be nice by calling. I mean, you basically baited her into responding. You sent the letter in hopes of provoking some type of response, so I doubt she would have contacted you with the letter.

 

If she wants to reconcile, she will let you know. It won't be a guessing game.

 

I'm also pretty sure she may not have contacted me without the letter, but she did say that because of my letter, she understood better about my email and my doing it without out a clear head and that her email response was based on it. She was staying in contact frequently until my email as she was thinking things through. I may be playing more into this because I'm still in denial and confused about how the whole thing went down. One thing for sure, she is and has been confused for a while and not ready for a relationship with anyone right now. I don't think I am either. I'll need a solid month of no contact at least to see where I'm at. We haven't been able to do that yet. She said we can stay in touch and I'll leave that up to her. She said that she did want to call after reading my letter through and thinking about it. She said she never thought of just sending me a text to move on and not to contact her again. Is she just throwing me a breadcrumb?

[BC1980]

I'm also pretty sure she may not have contacted me without the letter, but she did say that because of my letter, she understood better about my email and my doing it without out a clear head and that her email response was based on it. She was staying in contact frequently until my email as she was thinking things through. I may be playing more into this because I'm still in denial and confused about how the whole thing went down. One thing for sure, she is and has been confused for a while and not ready for a relationship with anyone right now. I don't think I am either. I'll need a solid month of no contact at least to see where I'm at. We haven't been able to do that yet. She said we can stay in touch and I'll leave that up to her. She said that she did want to call after reading my letter through and thinking about it. She said she never thought of just sending me a text to move on and not to contact her again. Is she just throwing me a breadcrumb?

 

I think she is just trying to be polite by responding. I think that once someone wants out of a relationship, it's probably pretty aggravating to receive emails from the dumpee explaining things. I sent an email to my ex after we broke up that attempted to explain how we could fix our relationship, and I received a one sentence response. I was very hurt, but I didn't really understand that he had already gone through all of the back and forth in his head. He had already been over the pros and cons and decided it couldn't work. Of course, I was completely unaware that he had been mentally battling whether or not to breakup up with me for the past few weeks. He was ready to put all of that to rest. The last thing he wanted was an email from me trying to explain why certain things happened and how we could fix them.

 

She did say you can stay in touch, but so many people say that. The dumper is going to have guilt over hurting you, so it would seem cruel to them to ask you never to contact them again. That's the logic that she is going on; it has nothing to do with her wanting to give it another chance down the line. In that sense, it is a breadcrumb because she is offering you a piece of her when you want a relationship. I would let this go and move on because it doesn't sound promising in the least.

[lovebug_5858]

So about 2 weeks after I mailed the letter I get a call from her and it went to voicemail because I couldn't pick up at the time and she left a message that she got the letter and to give her a call. I called about 2 hours later and we talked for about 45 minutes. Caught up on things we were doing and talked about our emails and my letter and cleared the air a bit. We agreed to keep communication open and do what we feel is right, which means not bug or harass each other, but keep things on polite terms which we have all throughout. I am surprised that she called. I thought I might get a text or email and was leaning towards probably getting nothing after 5 days past. It reminds me of why this has been so hard for both of us. She is a good person and I have always felt that way about her, she just doesn't know what she wants right now.

 

If you do have hopes of her coming back you need to let her miss you. It will hurt, A lot. But it has to be done. Nice break ups are the worst because you never really think its over- but it is. Nice break ups are also a sign that they don't really have a fear of you leaving... I think so at least.

You need to be without her, re-evaluate your relationship. If you got back together now, there is still something wrong and it will fail again.

Think about these things.

[dumbass2]

If you do have hopes of her coming back you need to let her miss you. It will hurt, A lot. But it has to be done. Nice break ups are the worst because you never really think its over- but it is. Nice break ups are also a sign that they don't really have a fear of you leaving... I think so at least.

You need to be without her, re-evaluate your relationship. If you got back together now, there is still something wrong and it will fail again.

Think about these things.

 

What if she contacts me?

[Itspointless]

What if she contacts me?

You can tell that you can't be just friends at this moment. At a certain moment we have to choose going insane for the long or short run.

[flight E]

Dude, you seem a nice guy. U just need to understand women psychology. I didn't and got burned until I learned. In a break up like this, you may think it's best to end peacefully to keep the door open for a reconciliation but every action you take towards that actually works against that reconciliation you seek. Why NC. Simple; its cos very few maybe a sociopath can be truly indifferent to a breakup immediately after and the catch is, it is this indifference that can make your reconciliation possible because it will force her to second guess her decision. Move on completely. It's hard but if you want any shot at her again, u just have to do that. Then after you done that you can now initiate contact if you wish. Then she will kno, it's like a sixth sense that this guy sees me as another other human being or girl and not his goddess juliet. That is the only time she can give you any attention.

[lovebug_5858]

You can tell that you can't be just friends at this moment. At a certain moment we have to choose going insane for the long or short run.

 

I agree with this post. Either that, or just ignore.

[dumbass2]

I don't want to be just friends. Can't do that now and maybe months down the road, but not something I can think about happening.

 

I'm fighting the urge to call her a week after she called me. We still had misunderstandings post break up to clear up. Her reason for the break up and actions afterwards have just confused me so much. I try to convince myself that she meant what she meant and she is just trying to be nice, but I can't buy it. I did not ask her to call. Nice would have been responding to my mailed letter by texting or emailing me that I should just move on and or please just do not contact me again. Not nice would have been no response at all. If someone is just trying to be nice, why make the phone call and talk like we did if she is trying to help me move on?

 

I Try putting myself in her shoes and if I meant what I did at break up, I wouldn't have been initiating so much contact and sending mixed messages. I certainly would not have replied to the email that I sent (which didn't ask for a response) because that would have just told me that good, he's moving on which is what I wanted in the first place. It took her 4 weeks and said it was so difficult to respond. I need to remember that I can't get inside her head and know what the heck she is thinking and I need to stop speculating, it's driving me nuts. Would have been best if she had not responded at all to my letter. It had already been 2 weeks since I had mailed it. I was thinking she wouldn't respond after day 10. Another few weeks and I might been moving past it.

 

Resist...resist..resist...resist......... day 7 of no contact.......

Edited July 12, 2014 by dumbass2

[BC1980]

I Try putting myself in her shoes and if I meant what I did at break up, I wouldn't have been initiating so much contact and sending mixed messages. I certainly would not have replied to the email that I sent (which didn't ask for a response) because that would have just told me that good, he's moving on which is what I wanted in the first place. It took her 4 weeks and said it was so difficult to respond. I need to remember that I can't get inside her head and know what the heck she is thinking and I need to stop speculating, it's driving me nuts. Would have been best if she had not responded at all to my letter. It had already been 2 weeks since I had mailed it. I was thinking she wouldn't respond after day 10. Another few weeks and I might been moving past it.

 

And here is exactly what so many people fail to grasp after a breakup. The way you might have acted has no correlation to the way she acted. What she sees as being polite, you take as any reason to hold onto hope of a second chance. Also, you don't really know how you would respond until you have been in that situation. You might dump someone and feel guilty and responsible for trying to give the person closure. So you might think it's a good idea to respond to an email. Do you see what I'm getting at?

 

You can only go on what has been presented as fact, and the fact is that she told you she does not wish to continue in the relationship. The reason why people are so hardcore in advocating NC is that situations like this inevitably arise when you maintain contact in any form. You start trying to read into things, like how long the person took to respond to the email, why did they respond in the first place, then we move onto dissecting the contents, and it goes from there.

 

I went through these same games when I was LC, so I know it's a dead end.

[dumbass2]

And here is exactly what so many people fail to grasp after a breakup. The way you might have acted has no correlation to the way she acted. What she sees as being polite, you take as any reason to hold onto hope of a second chance. Also, you don't really know how you would respond until you have been in that situation. You might dump someone and feel guilty and responsible for trying to give the person closure. So you might think it's a good idea to respond to an email. Do you see what I'm getting at?

 

You can only go on what has been presented as fact, and the fact is that she told you she does not wish to continue in the relationship. The reason why people are so hardcore in advocating NC is that situations like this inevitably arise when you maintain contact in any form. You start trying to read into things, like how long the person took to respond to the email, why did they respond in the first place, then we move onto dissecting the contents, and it goes from there.

 

I went through these same games when I was LC, so I know it's a dead end.

 

Well, she has also made things more difficult by some of her actions as well. I don't think she was totally honest with her feelings at break up and afterwards, but then neither was I, hence all the confusion. The reason, after really thinking about I'm not buying, but she's the one that did it and I sensed some issues prior to, but had no idea she'd go right to this instead of talking. I thought I got to know her pretty well, which is why I think she was regretting it. I think she did it too quick, but that's just me and maybe she wanted to do it sooner, but I didn't get that feeling from her. Combination of 2 people with relationship issues and poor communication. I guess you could call that toxic and definitely unhealthy, but at least it wasn't one with cheating, abuse, drugs, constant arguing over nothing and mistrust. I thought it might be repairable after learning so much about myself and recognizing the things I need to do better at going forward. Guess my next relationship will reap the benefits from what I've learned here and it takes two to make a lasting relationship work with good communication. I will always have a place in my heart for her. I will probably still hope she calls again, at least over the next few weeks. After that maybe it will start to go away as I meet other women and maybe I'll meet someone who will love me for me and want the same thing as I do.

[dumbass2]

I've also posted in another part of the forum on break ups but I guess I want to see if there is a second chance in this.

 

So we're both in our 40's and she broke up with me almost 3 months ago because she felt guilty about wasting my time after I had taken her to a couple of nice place recently, that honestly I could have taken a regular date to, so not a big deal on my part. She was under the impression I need to get married soon and that wasn't tru at all. Misunderstanding. i was fine with how things were (we did need to talk about a few frustrations) and not pressuring her for anything more than "seeing" each other and enjoying each others company which we always did.

 

So after taking the break up well on my end (I don't think she expected that) and taking some time apart with very limited contact (mostly on her end) I sent her a hand written letter weeks ago after she took an email I sent the wrong way and responded to it. In my letter I let her know that I'm now thinking with a clearer head and emotions and know what I want. I let her know I thought what we had was worth fighting for and I don't give up that easy. I said i regretted my email and told her it would be a shame to throw away what we had and that she was still special to me.

 

So she calls me recently in response, which shocked me it was a phone call and we mostly caught up but didn't have time to get into the letter and our feelings too much because she had to go to work. She said we would leave communication open. Now if she really wanted to have me move on and go away, why would she call and not just send a text or email instead, especially when I made it clear in my letter of my intentions and where I was at? I'm sorry, but I am probably taking this the wrong way, but it's been a week and I would like to call her and finish our talk and discuss some things that I really feel need to be said and then we can move on if we want. I think i need to put actions to my words from my letter and at least try one more time to clear up everything. I wanted to try and make one last call in the next few days. I have not been constantly bugging or harrassing her with communication and have only sent 3 texts an email and letter the entire 3 months of this. i would like to get back and do what we were doing (no committment, just enjoying doing things with each other and see where it takes us), but with better communication which is what was missing, especially on my end and I put that in my letter. Maybe I'm putting too much into the fact she made the phone call?

[dumbass2]

Is it ok to just ask my ex once and for all if she truly wants to just go no contact? Since we have been communicating (and she has done most of it since the breakup), do you think if I ask the question that that will allow her an out so she can not worry about me contacting her again if that is truly what she wants? I really feel that I have to hear that from her and it sounds like most people on here do say that to the other person if that is what is what they want, that you do bring it up and just don't assume no contact, you actually say it to the other person so there's no question. I still feel it is a mixed message to say that we can still communicate if what you guys say is true and she really doesn't want to. Just telling me after our talk that she doesn't feel that it would be a good idea to keep in communication I would not think would be that hard of a thing to say. I didn't beg and plead in the talk. I was confident, funny and interested in what she was saying. I was enjoying the weekend away with friends doing stuff when she called. not at home answering the call on the first ring acting all excited.

[Georgia2014]

I've also posted in another part of the forum on break ups but I guess I want to see if there is a second chance in this.

 

So we're both in our 40's and she broke up with me almost 3 months ago because she felt guilty about wasting my time after I had taken her to a couple of nice place recently, that honestly I could have taken a regular date to, so not a big deal on my part. She was under the impression I need to get married soon and that wasn't tru at all. Misunderstanding. i was fine with how things were (we did need to talk about a few frustrations) and not pressuring her for anything more than "seeing" each other and enjoying each others company which we always did.

 

So after taking the break up well on my end (I don't think she expected that) and taking some time apart with very limited contact (mostly on her end) I sent her a hand written letter weeks ago after she took an email I sent the wrong way and responded to it. In my letter I let her know that I'm now thinking with a clearer head and emotions and know what I want. I let her know I thought what we had was worth fighting for and I don't give up that easy. I said i regretted my email and told her it would be a shame to throw away what we had and that she was still special to me.

 

So she calls me recently in response, which shocked me it was a phone call and we mostly caught up but didn't have time to get into the letter and our feelings too much because she had to go to work. She said we would leave communication open. Now if she really wanted to have me move on and go away, why would she call and not just send a text or email instead, especially when I made it clear in my letter of my intentions and where I was at? I'm sorry, but I am probably taking this the wrong way, but it's been a week and I would like to call her and finish our talk and discuss some things that I really feel need to be said and then we can move on if we want. I think i need to put actions to my words from my letter and at least try one more time to clear up everything. I wanted to try and make one last call in the next few days. I have not been constantly bugging or harrassing her with communication and have only sent 3 texts an email and letter the entire 3 months of this. i would like to get back and do what we were doing (no committment, just enjoying doing things with each other and see where it takes us), but with better communication which is what was missing, especially on my end and I put that in my letter. Maybe I'm putting too much into the fact she made the phone call?

 

 

I hate to say this but I do think you are thinking to much about the phone call. If she didn't call again within the next two or three days I would guess she was playing with your emotions.

[sugarlove]

I'm sorry.. I know it's hard as it's been a few months now and you wish things were better since your head is clearer. But even if your head is clearer, your heart isn't.

 

Unless she said specifically she wants you back, everything else is a figment of your imagination and false hope. Don't overthink the phone call. She knows as well as you what will make the relationship work, what makes you think she wouldn't know? But it doesn't make her want to try again, if she does, she'll let you know

[dumbass2]

I'm sorry.. I know it's hard as it's been a few months now and you wish things were better since your head is clearer. But even if your head is clearer, your heart isn't.

 

Unless she said specifically she wants you back, everything else is a figment of your imagination and false hope. Don't overthink the phone call. She knows as well as you what will make the relationship work, what makes you think she wouldn't know? But it doesn't make her want to try again, if she does, she'll let you know

 

There were still some things that need to be cleared up that we didn't get to on the call for her to really understand where i'm coming from right now. Why would she call me and tell me before she had to end the call that communication is open, especially after my letter essentially telling her that I would not give up and try to fight for what we had? I'm sorry, I just don't get it. Would have been better for her to say I called one last time to talk and now it's best we don't communicate any further. Why go through the struggle to make the call in the first place? Just doesn't make sense. I guess it's because I'm on the other end and my heart doesn't want to make sense of it. I'm as confused now as the day she broke up.

[sugarlove]

There were still some things that need to be cleared up that we didn't get to on the call for her to really understand where i'm coming from right now. Why would she call me and tell me before she had to end the call that communication is open, especially after my letter essentially telling her that I would not give up and try to fight for what we had? I'm sorry, I just don't get it. Would have been better for her to say I called one last time to talk and now it's best we don't communicate any further. Why go through the struggle to make the call in the first place? Just doesn't make sense. I guess it's because I'm on the other end and my heart doesn't want to make sense of it. I'm as confused now as the day she broke up.

 

That's what happens when they give you crumbs and you take it as a sign of anything else more than that. Communication can be opened for numerous reasons.. not solely reconciliation. I always feel wanting to be friends is a reasonable excuse for keeping lines open, wanting to hear how you are doing, how things are going on her end, it doesn't mean anything more than that unless she says she wants you back.

 

Making the call could be she missed you, again, nothing wrong with missing someone but doesn't mean she wants to reconcile.

 

MOreover, it's been 3 months... if she is unsure now, she won't be sure anytime soon. Don't take crumbs as any sign of more .. because you'll fall back to exactly where you started from.

 

Take care of your heart, it seemed kind and easily hurt.

[BC1980]

There were still some things that need to be cleared up that we didn't get to on the call for her to really understand where i'm coming from right now. Why would she call me and tell me before she had to end the call that communication is open, especially after my letter essentially telling her that I would not give up and try to fight for what we had? I'm sorry, I just don't get it. Would have been better for her to say I called one last time to talk and now it's best we don't communicate any further. Why go through the struggle to make the call in the first place? Just doesn't make sense. I guess it's because I'm on the other end and my heart doesn't want to make sense of it. I'm as confused now as the day she broke up.

 

My recent ex would also entertain my calls and give me breadcrumbs. I think he felt guilty about the way it ended and possibly felt responsible for helping me understand why it ended. In my mind it didn't make sense, but it had to make some sense in his mind. Otherwise, he wouldn't have talked to me about the breakup at length. When I talked to him, it was always under the same pretense you are using. I needed to make something else clear, just one more thing. The thing is that you think some things need to be cleared up. YOU. Not her.

 

All you are doing is confusing the h*ll out of yourself in the long run. She does not want to be in a relationship with you. We cannot get into her head to figure out why she does what she does. You can bend your mind into a pretzel all day long, and no answers will come. My best guess is guilt when it comes to these things, but who really knows? If she wanted to be with you, I'm quite sure she's capable of telling you.

 

Again, I will say to go NC.

[leavesonautumn]

No. Don't ask her.

 

You already know what the answer is because she's already told you. It's time to move on.

[dumbass2]

My recent ex would also entertain my calls and give me breadcrumbs. I think he felt guilty about the way it ended and possibly felt responsible for helping me understand why it ended. In my mind it didn't make sense, but it had to make some sense in his mind. Otherwise, he wouldn't have talked to me about the breakup at length. When I talked to him, it was always under the same pretense you are using. I needed to make something else clear, just one more thing. The thing is that you think some things need to be cleared up. YOU. Not her.

 

All you are doing is confusing the h*ll out of yourself in the long run. She does not want to be in a relationship with you. We cannot get into her head to figure out why she does what she does. You can bend your mind into a pretzel all day long, and no answers will come. My best guess is guilt when it comes to these things, but who really knows? If she wanted to be with you, I'm quite sure she's capable of telling you.

 

Again, I will say to go NC.

 

Thank you again. One day I will be over this, but not forget about her. I guess I should hope now that she doesn't contact me. If she did, i would have to ask her if it is to get back or not and if not I cannot just be friends right now. I have a feeling at this point that i would have a hard time telling her no contact, but I think it is something that we should say to each other if it will make it easier for us. Thanks again. I hope I get to the point soon where I'm done with posting about this.

[dumbass2]

That's what happens when they give you crumbs and you take it as a sign of anything else more than that. Communication can be opened for numerous reasons.. not solely reconciliation. I always feel wanting to be friends is a reasonable excuse for keeping lines open, wanting to hear how you are doing, how things are going on her end, it doesn't mean anything more than that unless she says she wants you back.

 

Making the call could be she missed you, again, nothing wrong with missing someone but doesn't mean she wants to reconcile.

 

MOreover, it's been 3 months... if she is unsure now, she won't be sure anytime soon. Don't take crumbs as any sign of more .. because you'll fall back to exactly where you started from.

 

Take care of your heart, it seemed kind and easily hurt.

 

Thank you. Yeh, she was the first woman I truly loved in quite a long time, but I have to accept that she did not feel the same about me. I know she liked me a lot and enjoyed our time together. I wish I had met her after she had more time after her only 2 relationships in her life to go out and see what's out there that she has missed and she's in her mid 40's. My heart may be broken right now, but it will be stronger in the end. I brought some of this on myself with how i've handled things from break up til now. I will do better in the future with expressing my feelings and trying to be more open and honest with them. Had I done that from the beginning, I may have saved myself from the torture I've put myself through.

[sugarlove]

Please. You need to stop obsessing over her. Try as hard as you can to let this go. She can't just be the only one there is.. you are closing yourself off to so many other fishes in the sea because you refused to see that she is not the only one for you.