Should I Be Upset

[bigred007]

Been married 17 years. Both my husband and I are in great shape and physically attractive. We have kids and went thru a period of time where we did not sleep in same bed. This was because he snored and also because we got up at different times because of kids school schedules. Even though we were not sleeping in same bed, we were intimate at least 1-3 times per week except when we were sick with colds, etc.

 

My husband has been great for most of the marriage. He has always been thoughtful and put me and the family first. My husband and I work together- we own a computer business. I would pick the kids up from school in the afternoon while he usually remained at the office until around 6pm working.

 

I got a resistant yeast infection 3 years ago and went thru a tough battle to get rid of it. We could keep having sex, but the frequency slowed down at times. We went from 2-3 times per week to once every 8-10 days or so. This went on for a couple of years. I knew my husband masturbated some because we would do it together if I did not feel like sex or was taking yeast infection treatment.

 

We began to argue over the frequency of sex. I noticed my husband wanting to do some sex techniques that we never did before (lots of spanking, him grabbing my neck, calling me bitch in playful voice, etc). Last October, we had a huge argument about sex. He asked for sex when I was not feeling well- I was just getting over bronchitis. We fought verbally and I thought we talked it out. Little did I know- but he was holding a grudge for 3 weeks after. During the 3 weeks, he avoided me. I went to dinner with my daughter and he would prefer to hang with our teenage son at home or go to dinner with him. When my husband and I did go out together, I would try to give him a kiss or touch his leg, etc and he would not pay any attention to me. After 3 weeks of this, I confronted him. He told me he was upset about our argument about sex. We talked it out, apologized and made up. We had sex twice after our talk.

 

The next day (Monday), the kids were out of school. My husband, daughter and I all went to our office and worked. We got all of our jobs caught up and there was not a lot of urgent items left to be done. Nothing seemed unusual.

 

On Tuesday, my husband and I were getting ready for work and showering. He told me he would need to work late to catch up on old jobs. He asked what my plans were. I told him I planned to spend some time with the kids after I picked them up from school. I felt bad that my husband was feeling stressed out and overloaded with work. I thought I would just get a sitter and offer to come work with him so we could be together.

 

When I told my husband I was coming to the office too, he flipped out and got upset. He wanted me to spend time with the kids and we argued about this. I thought he was acting very weird and went to the office with him. He did not speak to me for 2 hours because he was angry that I accused him of being up to something.

 

My suspicions ran wild after this. I got his iphone that night and recovered all of his calls and texts. I looked for anything weird or unusual. There was one text he had received at 7:55am on that Monday (day we went to our office with our daughter). The number was a cellphone. The text only said "Hey". I googled it. A ad came up and showed the number belonged to a prostitute. The ad said "for fun with two thick sexy females, call..."

 

I confronted the hubby. He seemed shocked as well. He had not replied to the text and told me he thought he recognized the number as being one of our customers numbers. He immediately tried to call the number to ask who this person was and why she texted him. We finally got the girl to answer that afternoon. He told her he was in deep crap with his wife and she must have wrong number. She agreed she misdialed and said she did not know him. Also- in the process of looking thru his iphone, I found that he had a secret internet browser on the phone and saw a daily history of porn use. There was also one link showing he had been on (an affair site) but after investigating, I found this was just a popup ad on the porn sites he was on. Basically he told me his sex drive was higher than mine and he was tired of me rejecting his advances- so he masturbated a lot with porn. He admitted to the porn, secret browsing, etc but denied ever contacting anyone or knowing the prostitute he got the text from.

 

I was still not satisfied with this answer. I downloaded an anonymous texting app and I texted the hooker and I pretended to be him. I told her I wanted to meet her again. I was trying to get her to admit she talked to my husband or knew him. I told her "don't u remember me, I am Donovan (my husbands name). She asked if I was white or black. Then she said she remembered a white man named Donovan. She said. "you are the one who was gonna meet up with me and my sister but u did not show up".

 

I found out by talking to her that she was a hooker who slept with guys along with her sister. They met clients on the rough side of town in a hotel near the airport. This area is 40 min from where we live. She insisted that Donovan was going to meet her but did not show up. She even gave the date of the two conversations they had. She said she had ads on and also was on a sex chat line. She did not say how he originally contacted her. She said "I think he called asking for outcall and I told him I also do incalls".

 

I texted her a few times pretending to be my husband (Donovan). She was drunk several times I spoke to her. I confronted my husband about this. He said he did not contact her and she was drunk most of the time and I should believe him not her. Keep in mind he lied to me and hid the truth about his secret porn and masturbation.

 

I made my husband take a lie detector test and he passed. He has repeatedly denied contacting this hooker. His story never changes. He says he loves

me and would never cheat because he has strong morals. Before this, he has never given any reasons for me not to trust him.

 

i spoke to the hooker again. She gave me a phone number and said it was the number she intended to call when she accidentally texted my husband. I called the number (it belonged to a guy) and asked if he knew the hooker. He said he did have a relationship with her a couple years ago. His phone number looked a little similar to my husbands number.

 

So now I am left wondering WTF to think. Here are facts:

 

1) Husband has been perfect before this happened

2) He was complaining about sex a lot when this happened

3) He was masturbating to porn secretly

4) He had a hidden browser on his iphone

5) He had a 3 week grudge after sex argument

6) He got text from a hooker that said. "Hey"

7) Hooker said she chatted with him and he did not show up

8) Hooker then denied knowing him

9) Hooker gave me number she thought she texted (similar to my husbands)

10) I call the number and the guy knows the hooker

11) Husband took lie detector test and passed

 

What do u think???? My husband has been very remorseful for the porn, secret browsing, etc but still flat out denies the hooker. I want to believe him. Should I?

Edited August 17, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[bigred007]

I appreciate any responses to my post. Thanks for your feedback.

[StrongLass]

I think the real question here is what will you do with the information one way or the other. Do you ultimately want to get past this or is this something you couldn't ever let go?

[BetrayedH]

I might have believed he was cheating until this part...

 

"i spoke to the hooker again. She gave me a phone number and said it was the number she intended to call when she accidentally texted my husband. I called the number (it belonged to a guy) and asked if he knew the hooker. He said he did have a relationship with her a couple years ago. His phone number looked a little similar to my husbands number."

 

Your H either worked really hard to orchestrate that conversation with both the hooker and the guy (and via a number similar to his own phone number) or it's legit.

 

Something also tells me that you would have been ok with the porn use and masturbation (which most people keep kinda private) until you got suspicious about his cheating.

 

I think it was ok to be suspicious but it's also ok to admit that your suspicions were probably wrong.

 

I think your choices are either to accept that you both had a role in this scenario (long term communication and sex issues that led to private lives, resentment, and jealousy) or you stay suspicious. Either way, you should probably stop confronting him. In the first case, it's ruining your marriage; in the second case, it's just driving his activities underground and he won't resume until the dust has settled.

[giblesp]

If its just the yeast infection thats holding you back sexually, then he needs to be more patient and understanding.

[bigred007]

Yes I think I am leaning towards his story is legit. Also the fact that he passed the lie detector test. The phone number prefix for my husband and the other guy matches. The last four digits are a little different.

[bigred007]

One more weird thing is:

 

Remember the hooker gave me a phone number similar to my hubbys number and told me it belonged to her boyfriend. She asked me not to call it. She simply gave it to me to prove she meant to text this boyfriend and instead accidentally misdialed and texted my hubby.

 

Of couse, I called the guy who had a number similar to my husbands.....it took me 3-4 calls to get him to even talk to me. Before I could explain why I was calling he would say "F$@# You" and hang up. I told him I was the hookers friend and she gave me his number. Finally after several calls, he said he knew her when she used to be a stripper.

 

After this, I told the hooker that I had actually called her "boyfriend" to validate her story. She got upset with me because she said he was a client of hers and I blew his cover.

[ExpatInItaly]

One more weird thing is:

 

Remember the hooker gave me a phone number similar to my hubbys number and told me it belonged to her boyfriend. She asked me not to call it. She simply gave it to me to prove she meant to text this boyfriend and instead accidentally misdialed and texted my hubby.

 

Of couse, I called the guy who had a number similar to my husbands.....it took me 3-4 calls to get him to even talk to me. Before I could explain why I was calling he would say "F$@# You" and hang up. I told him I was the hookers friend and she gave me his number. Finally after several calls, he said he knew her when she used to be a stripper.

 

After this, I told the hooker that I had actually called her "boyfriend" to validate her story. She got upset with me because she said he was a client of hers and I blew his cover.

 

OK, OP. You've done your investigative work. You need to stop bothering other people about it now, as you have no idea who or what you're dealing with on the other end of the line. You got the info you were looking for. Keep in mind that these people now have your number too, unless you blocked it before calling them.

 

Turn the focus back on your husband and marriage now. Ask yourself if you can let go and work with him as he begins to rebuild your trust, or if this is something that is going to eat at you for a long time to come.

[bigred007]

Thank you for your reply. Yes I blocked my number. I do computer forensics for a living- so I know what I am doing.

 

I would like to know what you believe happened based on the evidence I presented. If it truly seems like an innocent mistyped text then by all means I would like to let it go. If it seems like hubby just covered his tracks good and was able to pass a lie detector but was seriously going to cheat then that is another story.

 

I would also mention my hubby is a computer pro as well as me. He had downloaded a secret browser called Dolphin on his iphone and was deleting his history and cookies in there.... but little did he know that Dolphin stores browsing history in a sqlite database. When u delete your history, the data is still there but the pointers are simply removed. All I needed was an sqlite reader and voila- I saw his browsing history. This is where I found all of the porn viewing. There was also some penthouse letter history involving lots of kinky stuff...and also one link to Ashley Madison which appeared to be a popup (I could tell based on the link).

 

I do not like the secrecy and the lengths he went to hide his porn browsing.... but that is easier to forgive than him contacting a hooker. So my struggle has been: Do I believe that the hooker sent an accidental text to him in th early morning before I wake up during a time in our marriage when he was not getting enough sex and was hiding a porn habit.

[firmness]

Your feelings are understandable. Affairs can be shocking and life-altering.

 

You are acting a bit psycho at this point, so you need to dial that down. Dial it down.

 

You have what you have. Now you are pushing him up against the wall. He wants some intimacy and you are not meeting his needs. I suspect that you are ill/sick more often than you are letting on. I am also very suspicious of anyone who goes on the warpath in cases like this.

 

Work with your husband and work on your problems. That is the only choice at this point. The only alternative is to just ride out the miserable slide into divorce like everyone else does. Judge him, remind him, tell him you forgive him but bring it up over and over for the rest of his life. You know, the American way.

 

That is a surefire way to end this the worst way possible.

[Elle1975]

After reading your post, all I can say is that he must love you to be putting up with this constant questioning, lie detector, and so on. It's more than I would put up with; it's borderline.. madness?

 

At one point you need to talk. Do you want to stay together, or not. That's where I'd start.

[central]

I think I believe his version as it checks out. As for the porn, no biggie because you weren't able to have sex. There's nothing wrong with porn and masturbation as a substitute as long as it doesn't become an addiction or prevent him from having sex with you when you are able and willing.

[bigred007]

We were having sex. At least once per week. Not enough for him though.

[bigred007]

Of course I would like to stay together...but my husband tends to be a little more secretive than me and I had an uneasy feeling about it all. The most we had ever gone without being intimate during all of this is 2 weeks. That was rare however. I also would do other things if I was not available. I never neglected him. I guess he just wanted more and could not tell me.

[preraph]

First of all, stop letting him blame you for his lying and carrying on. You have a history of having sex plenty often. He's a big baby if he cant' adjust when you have a medical condition!

 

I think he was either already watching porn or upped his porn use while you were having physical problems, and then that gave him unrealistic expectations. I would tell him to stop with the porn and porno demands right now or leave because you're not a porno queen and have no intention of acting like one. So gross!

 

When you're on porn sites prostitutes try to chat with you right there. You can not respond or turn off their window, but they're pretty much on every porn site. I think he may have hit one of those, but it's possible her story is true. She would never tell you if she did it with him or she'd never have any client anyway, so nothing that comes out of her mouth is very useful to getting to the truth.

 

I think he watched too much porn, feels overly entitled to whatever he wants sexually with no regard for your wellbeing, and probably has toyed with the idea of getting it elsewhere. I think that deal about you going to work with him either stopped him from watching a bunch of porn either from the office or somewhere else or possibly doing a sex webcam (watching online ho's you pay to watch them and talk dirty) or possibly an actual hookup. For some reason, I'm more inclined to think it was not an actual hookup, but that's just going on it seeming to be a recent development with all the porn sex expectations.

 

Anyway, you need to let him know you won't put up with him watching porn on an everyday basis or anywhere near it and certainly don't want to act like one of the sleazy hobags being abused on the videos! You need to be clear to him that you expect more of a real man than for him to disregard your physical welfare and that you consider that emotional abuse at minimum.

 

It's hard for me to imagine that everything has been hunkydory right up until when you got the infection and then he became a porn watching hookup artist who wants his wife to have sex even when she's sick, so I guess that puzzles me most of all. I would give that some thought and see if you've been honest about it to yourself, if you're taken unwarranted responsibility for his bad actions and blamed yourself for them, or if he's been a jerk all along and it's just all come to a head now. I'd think about all that as a whole before deciding whether to stay with him or not.

[bigred007]

Thanks for listening! I did not know that prostitutes were able to chat on porn sites!!!! Do u know which ones specifically? I agree about the protest he put up when I was coming to the office. I think he has done porn off and on thru our marriage. He has asked me to watch with him before. It was not my favorite thing but I tried to do things he liked.

 

The prostitute was someone that was totally not his type because I asked her what she looked like. The area in which she met clients was a terrible area of town and I cannot see him really getting with her. So u might be right in that he chatted with her but never knew what she looked like.

[ExpatInItaly]

I tend to think he didn't meet this prostitute, but there are other things he's hiding. Him getting that upset when you were coming to the office is suspicious, given the other red flags.

[bigred007]

What would u suspect he is hiding?

[Live_with_regrets]

I think you are completely obsessed with all of this to the tenth degree.

If I was your husband I'd be scared of you.

[bigred007]

Not scary- just not stupid. I have been hurt before and am more aware this time. Sounds like a lot to someone who is not in my line of work but this comes easy to me.

[Diezel]

We were having sex. At least once per week. Not enough for him though.

 

Let me shed some light on the other side of the situation.

 

I've been your husband. I was with someone who had the very same condition you had and to the Nth degree. We went weeks without sex and she didn't even feel like trying anything else to at least appease me. She completely shut down on me. I wish it would have been at least once a week, but the frequency was pretty much once every 5 weeks.

 

You have no idea what effect that has on a man's psyche, specially when you have a past history of active sexual history.

 

I started shutting down myself. I no longer wanted to do the things she loved that I did for her because I felt it was pointless. It became a Catch 22 and an endless ongoing effort. The happiest we were ever together would eventually be when she was on her period because the sexual tension seemed to be lifted for 3-4 days. Still, it all lingered... to the point where I thought she just didn't want to have sex with me anymore.

 

There was resentment, I felt unattractive, and thought this is the way it would be from now on. She swore up and down that that wasn't the case and it got better for maybe a week or two. I wanted to understand what she was going through medically, but by the time this kept building up... five months had past.

 

My frustration was at an all-time high. She began "taking care of me" while being completely disinterested... I shut down even more, she thought I was cheating because I no longer complimented her nor even tried to have sex anymore.

 

The one lacking factor was active communication. Weeks would go by and nothing would happen so all she would ask was, "Are you bored?" To her that meant if I was upset because of no sex. I would try not to offend her by saying "No. I'm fine." I wasn't. She wasn't.

 

 

Point is, both of you are probably both filled with all the wrong ideas in your heads and nobody is really saying anything. JUST. TALK. TALK. TALK. TALK.

 

For a lot of married men, physical intimacy is a way of feeling close to their spouses and when the frequency dials down, it creates a feeling of inadequacy and creates a swirling vortex within their self-esteem.

 

You two just need to communicate ridiculously openly. Instead of spending time wondering about hookers or porn or whatever... just friggin talk to him already. Don't make my past mistakes.

[Thicke2013]

Let me shed some light on the other side of the situation.

 

I've been your husband. I was with someone who had the very same condition you had and to the Nth degree. We went weeks without sex and she didn't even feel like trying anything else to at least appease me. She completely shut down on me. I wish it would have been at least once a week, but the frequency was pretty much once every 5 weeks.

 

You have no idea what effect that has on a man's psyche, specially when you have a past history of active sexual history.

 

I started shutting down myself. I no longer wanted to do the things she loved that I did for her because I felt it was pointless. It became a Catch 22 and an endless ongoing effort. The happiest we were ever together would eventually be when she was on her period because the sexual tension seemed to be lifted for 3-4 days. Still, it all lingered... to the point where I thought she just didn't want to have sex with me anymore.

 

There was resentment, I felt unattractive, and thought this is the way it would be from now on. She swore up and down that that wasn't the case and it got better for maybe a week or two. I wanted to understand what she was going through medically, but by the time this kept building up... five months had past.

 

My frustration was at an all-time high. She began "taking care of me" while being completely disinterested... I shut down even more, she thought I was cheating because I no longer complimented her nor even tried to have sex anymore.

 

The one lacking factor was active communication. Weeks would go by and nothing would happen so all she would ask was, "Are you bored?" To her that meant if I was upset because of no sex. I would try not to offend her by saying "No. I'm fine." I wasn't. She wasn't.

 

 

Point is, both of you are probably both filled with all the wrong ideas in your heads and nobody is really saying anything. JUST. TALK. TALK. TALK. TALK.

 

For a lot of married men, physical intimacy is a way of feeling close to their spouses and when the frequency dials down, it creates a feeling of inadequacy and creates a swirling vortex within their self-esteem.

 

You two just need to communicate ridiculously openly. Instead of spending time wondering about hookers or porn or whatever... just friggin talk to him already. Don't make my past mistakes.

 

I second this. Your post indicates that there are/were intimacy issues even before this. I tried to explain to my ex, intimacy is more than just sex even for men. Some may not admit it but it is. I enjoy kissing, holding, and even snuggling on the couch at the end of the day. I know, take my man card! LOL

 

You said there was a time when you slept in separate beds, etc. This screams intimacy issues. I know there are reasons why and you feel they are good reasons and they may be, however, it does create problems with intimacy. Couple that with the infrequent sex and you have a man that was feeling very down on himself and guess what, porn never says no and it never has a headache. Now, he definitely needs to be sensitive to your medical needs. That goes without saying. Are you guys intimate in other ways, touching, hand-holding, kissing, etc? Is it a 2 way street or is it always him that initiates the touching? This was a big deal for me. I made a point to come home from work and find my ex no matter where she was in the house and kiss her first thing. It was what I wanted to do. When our marriage started to suffer, I stopped. It stopped. We didn't physically touch for almost 3 weeks. That includes kissing good night. That's when I knew that it was over and I was just a roommate. Sounds like you guys really need to discuss what the others needs are. You both have needs that aren't being met.

 

As far as the porn and the hooker, you have to decide what you are willing to accept and move on. IMO I don't think he slept with the hooker, but I think he was flirting with the idea. I don't know if you stopped him or his conscious did. I would talk to him about both. Set boundaries. My fiance and I set a rule, no porn unless we watch together. Works for us. Bottom line, when a person feels unwanted and unattractive, they will find validation elsewhere. I don't think your DH has looked outside your marriage to fill that need yet, but I do believe that he flirted with the idea. This exposes serious and possible detrimental problems in your marriage. It is most likely worth saving but it will take a lot of hard work and brutal honesty. Good luck OP.

[bigred007]

That is the thing- I do not think he will be honest with me about whether he flirted with the idea of cheating. I know him and he likes to push problems aside and pretend they did not happen. I honestly think he flirted with the idea also or has done more than he admits to. He has offered to put his hand on the bible and also passed the lie detector about the hooker.

 

Based on the porn and type of links that popped up and were in the history (live jasmin), I think he was enjoying the occasional web chat (even though he denies it and says live jasmin was a popup on porn site).

[OwMyEyeball]

That is the thing- I do not think he will be honest with me about whether he flirted with the idea of cheating. I know him and he likes to push problems aside and pretend they did not happen. I honestly think he flirted with the idea also or has done more than he admits to. He has offered to put his hand on the bible and also passed the lie detector about the hooker.

 

Based on the porn and type of links that popped up and were in the history (live jasmin), I think he was enjoying the occasional web chat (even though he denies it and says live jasmin was a popup on porn site).

All men are tempted.

 

Not all men cheat.

 

You've gone to extraordinary lengths to prove a negative, but now want to extend your interrogation to his past intentions? What he MIGHT have done? What he may have at some point felt tempted to do? But didn't?

 

The insecurity you're feeding is as big an issue as any of his past indiscretions with porn.

[SparklingandBroken]

How likely is it that this prostitute has encountered multiple white guys named Donovan? I don't think anything happened physically, but I don't like how he reacted when you went to the office instead of staying with the kids.

 

This prostitute may not be his "type", but you would be surprised. And the 3 week cold shoulder? In my opinion, his coping mechanism to downplay any guilt. Finding a way to make you at fault. It's all very strange, and based on what you've said, I wouldn't be surprised if there was a little sex addiction manifesting.

 

 

Work on your marriage, but keep your eyes open.