Should I Be Upset

[bigred007]

Sparkling- you are spot on in my mind. He told me he decided to himself during the 3 weeks to NOT accept my offers for sex if I asked and he was NOT going to approach me either. He told me he stepped up the porn during that time. You could be right about him feeling guilty though.

 

The weird thing is that we had talked it out, made up and decided to have better communication...and then the text from hooker comes to his phone shortly after.

 

What motive would a hooker have to say that he almost hooked up and was supposed to show up to meet her but didn't?

[SparklingandBroken]

Try not to make yourself crazy over analyzing everything. All you can do at this point is be aware of all these signs in the future. Keep tabs on phone records, etc.

 

The only regret I ever had was not trusting my gut.

[bigred007]

When I think back about that day that he got mad when I decided to come to the office....I remember him really feeling me out asking a lot of detail about my schedule for the day. When I told him all of the things I planned to do (go pickup supplies for painter working at our house, pick up kids, spend time with kids doing homework, snacks, etc) at that point he told me he was slammed with work and would be working late. Keep in mind I happen to know our workload because we share the work at our office. So it seemed he was flustered and had more work that we did not finish that maybe I overlooked.

 

I was trying to be nice and helpful by putting everything off to come help him work. It is hard to find a sitter but I got my mother to keep the kids with short notice (which is very hard to do).

 

When I called him to surprise him by offering to help, his normal response would have been to thank me and be happy I was coming over. But this time, he immediately got mad and told me NOT to change plans and he would be ok without me. I insisted since I already had the sitter. At that point he raised his voice and got upset.

 

This got me upset. There had been a new female office manager in our office building who would act weird on occasion. If he and I would be walking down the hall past her she would speak to him and not acknowledge I spoke to her. She would ask him a question and not even look at me. I mentioned this odd behavior to him before and he said I was crazy.

 

That day that he got upset when I came to the office, I asked him was something going on with her. He would get mad when I mentioned her and tell me I was being silly.

[bigred007]

I love him and our marriage but there are so many weird things like that. If he was not cheating or doing something bad then he is truly one unlucky guy who is always in the wrong situations at wrong time. The hooker text, office manager acting odd towards me, live jasmin on computers (he said are popups), ashley madison link in history (says it was a popup), etc. Another thing is that his iphone wifi history has a location database showing his phone was at or very near several hotels near our office. He says that anytime he would drive by the hotels on the way to the bank or restaurant etc his phone wpuld automatically join the wifi of the hotel. I have seen this happen on my iphone in the past. But come on! Does he really think I believe his iphone has joined the wifi of 4 different hotels near our office simply by driving past them????

[bigred007]

It is so diificult looking thru his phone records because he is on the phone with customers all day every day. I had pulled all of the records and there were tons of calls to and from unlisted numbers as well as numbers all over the country (not unusual for us). So that is like finding a needle in haystack. The thing that tipped me off to hooker text was that I noticed that he got the text really early in the morning - which was odd because we are not morning people. Most of his calls would start around 8:30 or 9am. This lone text came in at 7:45am (right after he drops our son off at school).

[Diezel]

Based on the porn and type of links that popped up and were in the history (live jasmin), I think he was enjoying the occasional web chat (even though he denies it and says live jasmin was a popup on porn site).

 

Not that I enjoy admitting to this... but Live Jasmin IS an annoying popup on a porn site. Worst part is they start talking in the background if you forget about it.

[Thicke2013]

That is the thing- I do not think he will be honest with me about whether he flirted with the idea of cheating. I know him and he likes to push problems aside and pretend they did not happen. I honestly think he flirted with the idea also or has done more than he admits to. He has offered to put his hand on the bible and also passed the lie detector about the hooker.

 

Based on the porn and type of links that popped up and were in the history (live jasmin), I think he was enjoying the occasional web chat (even though he denies it and says live jasmin was a popup on porn site).

 

Some may disagree with me here, but I'm not sure you need to confront him to get him to admit that he almost cheated. As a matter of fact, he may not do that out of fear of losing you which is actually a good thing. I would simply go to him and say look, I know that you and I have both had our issues lately regarding intimacy and our marriage. I know that you have used porn and other means of dealing with that and even took it further. I am not okay with this but I realize that I played my part as well. What do you need from me to work this out? Then once he tells you what he needs from you, you need to tell him what you need from him. I think far too many relationships die because partners aren't comfortable with being able to express what they need out of a relationship. My first marriage was this way. I couldn't talk to her about these types of things without her flying off the handle and getting pissed. I would ask her why we weren't intimate anymore and why she didn't like hugging and kissing me. She would say it wasn't me it was her. Now that she has a new guy, at least every time I see them together, she is all over him. Proving to me that the connection between she and I just wasn't there. Just talk to him.

 

Sparkling- you are spot on in my mind. He told me he decided to himself during the 3 weeks to NOT accept my offers for sex if I asked and he was NOT going to approach me either. He told me he stepped up the porn during that time. You could be right about him feeling guilty though.

 

The weird thing is that we had talked it out, made up and decided to have better communication...and then the text from hooker comes to his phone shortly after.

 

What motive would a hooker have to say that he almost hooked up and was supposed to show up to meet her but didn't?

 

This is understandable to me. I would do the same thing to my ex. A guy can only be turned down so many times before he starts to feel inferior. Again, I'm not making excuses for your DH's actions, just offering some insight to why he might have acted out. My ex would very seldom want sex. We had sex about once every 8-10 days but it was always because I instigated (and we were a perfectly healthy late 20's couple). Then after a while, I started to feel like she was only having sex with me because I was coming on to her and she didn't want to make me mad, not because she wanted me. Once in that mindset, I actually started to resent her. Keep in mind, all the while I am trying to relay to her and talk to her and tell her that my needs aren't being met. Things would change for a week or two then back to the same old grind. It finally go to the point that I totally withdrew. It wasn't until then that she took notice. Asked me why I wouldn't hug her anymore or kiss her or come on to her. At this point I was actually infuriated. It hadn't always been this way in our relationship, at times our love life and intimacy was really good. This made it sting even worse. All of a sudden the second looks at the office or the flirty girls that make googly eyes at you start to snag your attention.

 

If he hasn't strayed, then I think you have a marriage worth trying to save. Seek counseling as a couple. There are more underlying issues here that you haven't told us about. They are most likely fixable with an open line of communication. Since you can't prove that he has, let him know that all of these things lead you to believe that he did or at least could have. He was at least using an outside means (porn) of meeting needs and you aren't okay with that. Let him know that you expect him to be completely open with you (passwords, emails, texts). Proceed on with caution and eyes wide open. Anything that doesn't smell right, investigate. Good luck.

Edited July 2, 2014 by Thicke2013

[bigred007]

I think the lack of wanting sex on my part was because a lot of times we would have stupid petty arguments over absolutely nothing that was worth arguing about but we did. I would not say that we constantly argued but both of us wanted to be right and he especially would have problems saying "I am sorry" when something was his fault. I would be resentful when he did that and used no sex as punishment. This was about 25% of the reason I would not initiate sex. The other 75% is that I just did not need it as often as him. However I would try to offer it and do other things if I was not able to.

 

We have fixed all of this in our marriage- so we are doing better with that. I do still have the feeling he did more than I know about....but I am trying to move on and we are in counseling and are communicating well.

 

i think you are correct that he will never spill the beans for fear of losing me.

[ascendotum]

Not that I enjoy admitting to this... but Live Jasmin IS an annoying popup on a porn site. Worst part is they start talking in the background if you forget about it.

 

Correct. any women who finds 'live jasmin' chat site in their bf/husbands history and thinks he has been using (paying $) to that cam whore site will very likely be wrong. Its an annoying spam porn site, that sneakily pops up behind your browser when you click on some other link on another website. If they have to do it sneaky then they obviously know its not welcome but the ****s still do it.

[bigred007]

Keep in mind I do this type of computer forensics work for a living so it might look invasive to you but it comes easy to me. It would be comparable to one of you being married to a cop. Cops have tons of ways to find out things they want to know and so do I.

 

Extra things u should know:

 

There were about 20 names of women that he typed in his phone. He said these were customers names. The names sounded like porn star/hooker type names. So why would he have typed those in his phone??? His answer: When I was looking at por and found a video such as "Destiny's Ride"....I might have liked the video so I typed the name Destiny in my phone to look for other videos of Destiny in them. (Keep in mind he told me he doesn't look at porn to see other women- it is just to see the sex act itself).

 

Tons of cookies/history/Macromedia Flash history of webcam type sites. These were found on our office computers.

 

Texts and calls to unlisted numbers (he says were all customers)

 

Visits to penthouse letters looking at all kinds of stuff including men dressing like women, etc. I asked him about those and he got really mad. He said he is not gay and was just browsing around and those links just came up.

 

A sexual encounter I had with him several months ago where he pinned me down from behind and called me Bitc$ each time he thrusted in me.

[SparklingandBroken]

Being able to call every mystery number a client is a convenient guise.

[Spectre]

You understand that just because you do something for a living..it doesn't really make what you are doing any less invasive, right?

 

Also, if your husband knows you are good with computers..then wouldn't he be taking precautions to hide any truly awful behavior?

[SmartDude]

What motive would a hooker have to say that he almost hooked up and was supposed to show up to meet her but didn't?

 

...So that you would stop calling her. She does not want phone calls from you and she does not want to see him again. Yes I said see him again, he was probably a regular of hers. He is mad because you just broke up his client-provider relationship with her. This gig was getting to be too much trouble for her so she made sure he was not gonna come back. Just a wild theory but heh ya I do have experience with this other realm.

 

Oh and and a side note: They are not hookers, whores, sluts...etc. , The correct term is sex worker:).

[bigred007]

well when I was anonymously texting her, I was pretending to be him. I said stuff like "Hey babe dont u remember me?...I am the guy who hooked up with u last week". She then asked what is your name. I said "Donovan" (hubby's name). She then asked if I was white or black. I said "white". She then said "yeah I remember you...you was gonna meet up with us (her and her sister) but u did not show up". I pretended to be drunk and act like I did not remember making these plans so she would tell me more.

 

She said I was supposed to meet up and gave me the specific date she said I called her (October 13). She said we talked twice around 3pm and I was going to meet her that night at 8pm. FYI- October 13 was the day hubby got mad at me for going to the office with him. He was also planning to work late that day but he would not ever work late past around 7pm...so the 8pm sounded kind of late for him.

Also she said he talked to her twice around 3pm...but I was at our office with him at that time.

 

I kept texting her pretending I was him. She asked me to text her a picture of him to verify that she did not hook up with him. I sent her the pic and she said she did not know him. I told her (pretending to be him) that my wife was suspicious of me and what would happen if my wife called her. She said she would tell my wife we did not hook up.?!

 

I am pretty sure she had no clue that I was the one texting her.

 

I told my husband about this. He got mad because the crap she was saying was not true. He called her and she said she was sorry she texted him. She gave him the phone number she meant to text and told us it was her boyfriend she meant to text when she accidentally texted my husband. (hubbys number: 369-3268....the number she said she meant to text: 369-3675)

 

The numbers were not too similar and her story pissed me off. I called her boyfriends number to see if she made that number up. A guy answered and was a real jerk. He said he did know her and she was a stripper.

 

So I guess my sex obsessed hubby just got an accidental text from a hooker who works in our hometown about 20 miles away who is also a stripper. I guess she was lyiing when she said a white guy named Donovan called her twice, planned a meeting at 8pm but did not show up (on a day when he had planned on working late alone without me and was upset when I decide to come to the office).

 

Now u can see why my head has been spinning. The whole darn thing has been so weird.

[ExpatInItaly]

So what are you going to do with this information, OP? I don't think you can expect a straight answer from the hooker, her supposed boyfriend or your husband.

[bigred007]

That is the million dollar question. What would u do?

[Noproblem]

You know the truth is out there and it's pretty obvious and shining in front of you..

 

He changed his ways of sex, wanted more spanking and stuff

 

you couldn't provide that, but thanx to the ads of his beloved porn sites.

 

he could get not one girl, but two who could provide him with that

 

unfortunately for him, on that particular day he got caught by you

because you are smart

 

and you are smart enough to know he was going to cheat and probably will do it again

 

so it's up to you stay with him, go to concealer together, try to spice things up, or maybe leave him for a while until you think it through..

[Spectre]

That is the million dollar question. What would u do?

 

I would stop talking with hookers and all this other stuff. First you realize hookers will screw for money, so they'd probably say whatever the heck he wants them to say if he pays them enough. I'm not saying the hookers are lying, just that..well, they tend to not be the most trustworthy of sorts. If you have to give a dude a lie detector test and he passes and you still keep picking at it..then what else is there to say? Are you dating a master spy or something? How is he beating a polygraph?

 

Furthermore, why the hell is this man with you and getting hookers? He has to know how good you are with computers and also probably knows you seem to be paying some..special attention to him and every single thing he does. This sounds like the strangest game of cat and mouse I've ever seen.

 

To be honest though, I think you should stay with this guy. Why do I think that? Well, most guys wouldn't put up with all these crazy antics from you unless he actually cared about you.

[firmness]

Of course I would like to stay together...but my husband tends to be a little more secretive than me and I had an uneasy feeling about it all. The most we had ever gone without being intimate during all of this is 2 weeks. That was rare however. I also would do other things if I was not available. I never neglected him. I guess he just wanted more and could not tell me.

 

I was never secretive with my ex wife - until she starting being an ass with me about certain emails. I gave her FULL access to everything - phones, emails, work emails, everything. Then she started questioning me about any female at work who would email me for any old work issue - (even elderly ladies, lesbians, married women, women for whom I had zero attraction).

 

Trust is earned. So is respect. So is relinquishing of privacy. Screw any of those up and you lose it. Not my rule, just a law of nature.

[SmartDude]

well when I was anonymously texting her, I was pretending to be him. I said stuff like "Hey babe dont u remember me?...I am the guy who hooked up with u last week". She then asked what is your name. I said "Donovan" (hubby's name). She then asked if I was white or black. I said "white". She then said "yeah I remember you...you was gonna meet up with us (her and her sister) but u did not show up". I pretended to be drunk and act like I did not remember making these plans so she would tell me more.

 

She said I was supposed to meet up and gave me the specific date she said I called her (October 13). She said we talked twice around 3pm and I was going to meet her that night at 8pm. FYI- October 13 was the day hubby got mad at me for going to the office with him. He was also planning to work late that day but he would not ever work late past around 7pm...so the 8pm sounded kind of late for him.

Also she said he talked to her twice around 3pm...but I was at our office with him at that time.

 

I kept texting her pretending I was him. She asked me to text her a picture of him to verify that she did not hook up with him. I sent her the pic and she said she did not know him. I told her (pretending to be him) that my wife was suspicious of me and what would happen if my wife called her. She said she would tell my wife we did not hook up.?!

 

I am pretty sure she had no clue that I was the one texting her.

 

 

Well I know that when I have been a regular of a woman, there are certain characteristics and patterns to our texting. If those patterns changed even slightly, I would be suspicious. Paranoia runs deep in this realm of pay for play, and it is not just the women who have something to be afraid of. Social stigmatization, law enforcement, violent criminals are all dangers to both clients and independent providers. Everyone has their bull**** detectors on at 100% at all times.

 

One possibility is that she sensed something was wrong right away. She then went on a mission of "data corruption";). She was telling some truths mixed with some lies? Its only a theory but hey these are all just shots in the dark...

[bigred007]

If it were just the porn that I had to worry about, I would not be as upset. We had watched porn together before, made our own videos, and we also own porn videos from Adam & Eve. I do not particularly love the fact that he either deleted his history or did "in private" browsing to hide the porn. I do not really like the fact that he used a secret browser called Dolphin either. Keep in mind- I was not the type of wife who scorned him for doing porn....so why hide it from me???

 

His answer: because the kids used his phone sometimes. He did not want them to see his history, etc of the porn.

 

My answer: Ok- I can sort of see that. But you also failed to mention to me for the past 2 years that u stroked off to porn. I mean , why hide it from me? In the past he told me he masturbated and sometimes to porn. I did not get angry. We did porn together so I obviously did not have problem with it.

 

My problem was when he started acting aloof. He suddenly did not accept my advances. He turned me down for sex. This all lasted 3 weeks. Then I happen to check his phone (because of his weird behavior- and keep in mind I never checked his phone EVER before)....and I see one text from a hooker.

 

Come on guys....do u really think anyone would believe that was accidental?

 

I am more upset that he thinks he pulled one over on me and lied than if he actually had contemplated the hooker.

[bigred007]

This has been my dilemma. I do not want to be married to a man who is a liar. If he messed up then just admit it, show me what u are going to do to fix it, apologize to me and go to counseling and we can fix it. I feel like the last 7 months we have been playing cops and robbers instead. Do not lie to me when it is pretty easy to see what u have been doing. I am not that hard to talk to and I am a pretty forgiving person.

[angelcake]

It seems either he really is guilty, or you are going psycho.

 

Could it be that he wanted the extra work time to have a long masturbation session?

 

Is it possible that you could act like you are "over it" and give him enough time to mess up, so that you could get solid proof?

 

I would look for a second phone that he may be using.

 

Plus, I would go to the hotels and see just how close I had to be to pick up their wi-fi. In addition, check receipts for pre-paid credit card purchases that he may have used at hotels.

 

Watch the odometer of his car from now on to see if he has driven a lot more miles than what he should have, given what he says he did that day.

 

Notice if he smells of a different type of soap.

 

Think back to the dates in question. Did he do any unusual grooming or man-scaping then? New underwear?

 

As for the prostitute, I wouldn't give what she says much credit. She is a manipulator and probably wouldn't give you the truth even if you paid her.

[Chi townD]

Blah, he passed the lie detector. He might have been looking at porn and got a spam message on his phone. I'm banking on that's what happened.

 

 

I will echo everyone else and say that he's looking at porn, and if looking at images on a screen is the worst thing that he's doing, well, I can think of a lot worse things he COULD be doing.

 

 

HOWEVER! This should be a wake up call for you. That things do need to happen. Your husband is probably looking at porn and that's why his sexual desires have changed a little. He see's the actress getting spanked and he probably thinks that, that looks like fun. Or pulling hair or talking dirty during sex. And he wants to try and experience these things with YOU! To satisfy his porn fantasy.

 

 

See, I think that one thing most women forget is that (just like themselves) their men want to feel desired by their women. Where women would want their man to be romantic and wine and dine them and show them a great evening. A guy would love when our girls jump our bones. Like, they can't get enough of us.

 

 

You need to talk. You need to understand each other and understand each others wants and desires and come to a happy median. You might like the end result.

[bigred007]

I looked for a 2nd phone a while ago. Could not find. I do remember that a while back our phones wifi would pop up when we drove by certain places. I just found it odd that hotels were the only thing in the wifi list along with our wifi at work and home. Wouldn 't places that offer free wifi like Starbucks, etc be in the list too?

 

He did manscape from time to time without any reason to do so but I have too and I am not a cheater so I do not know....