johnson_j Posted June 29, 2014 Share Posted June 29, 2014 so when she called you, did she want to try again? or did you interrupt before she could even tell you? i agree with you man.. im sorry you had to go through soemthing like this, it really sucks. She called and said she loved me but was curious why she felt so attracted to him. So I told her "Good luck". Yeah man it's just part of the game of life. My (ex) fiancé also started having feelings again for her ex, and I "nexted" her too. She turns 40 in a month, and instead of us being married 6 years and having 2 kids, she is still posting things on her social media like "God has a plan for all of us" while secretly wishing things had worked with us (according to her friend). 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted June 29, 2014 Share Posted June 29, 2014 she is still posting things on her social media like "God has a plan for all of us" while secretly wishing things had worked with us (according to her friend). Reminds me of my ex whose Facebook is full of such quotes (I haven't looked at it for some months now). She is only a few years younger than your ex. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author leesc90 Posted June 29, 2014 Author Share Posted June 29, 2014 there hasnt been one response that was supportive of taking her back, rightfully so for all the given reasons. i shouldnt be with someone who has a close second or first to me. i should be the only one in their life they want. i know what i need to do, i just hope im strong enough to stick by my guns when **** hits the fan. but this is all assuming she would want to get back, which i think is not the case atm Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted June 29, 2014 Share Posted June 29, 2014 there hasnt been one response that was supportive of taking her back, rightfully so for all the given reasons. i shouldnt be with someone who has a close second or first to me. i should be the only one in their life they want. i know what i need to do, i just hope im strong enough to stick by my guns when **** hits the fan. but this is all assuming she would want to get back, which i think is not the case atm The fact that she hasn't answered your ultimatum yet is a pretty clear indicator of where you stand -- which is nowhere. If she truly valued you as a romantic partner, she would have answered in the affirmative pretty much right away. I really hope you have the self-respect and dignity to ignore whatever response she gives, but I'm skeptical that you are ready to stop being her doormat. I hope you are, but what you are typing makes me skeptical. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author leesc90 Posted June 29, 2014 Author Share Posted June 29, 2014 this is very true. it shouldnt be a long decision if she really valued me. im going to send her a message saying stop deliberating.. it should never be something that takes nearly this long to decide. have fun with the other guy, and thats it. no more us. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted June 29, 2014 Share Posted June 29, 2014 this is very true. It shouldnt be a long decision if she really valued me. Im going to send her a message saying stop deliberating.. It should never be something that takes nearly this long to decide. Have fun with the other guy, and thats it. No more us. no more messages!!!! Honestly, that would be the worst bitch-made move you've made yet. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
jay1983 Posted June 29, 2014 Share Posted June 29, 2014 OP you haven't followed the advise of anybody on here. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted June 29, 2014 Share Posted June 29, 2014 no more messages!!!! Honestly, that would be the worst bitch-made move you've made yet. ^ ^ ^ This ^ ^ ^ Stop waiting for her decision. By waffling and taking so much time, she has MADE her decision! If she really wanted you, it wouldn't have taken her so long to tell you. Tell her good luck with the other guy and move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted June 29, 2014 Share Posted June 29, 2014 ^ ^ ^ This ^ ^ ^ Stop waiting for her decision. By waffling and taking so much time, she has MADE her decision! If she really wanted you, it wouldn't have taken her so long to tell you. Tell her good luck with the other guy and move on. But don't actually physically tell her that. Just tell yourself that and move the f--k on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted June 29, 2014 Share Posted June 29, 2014 Dude you're practically begging to be her doormat. She's hung your and the other guys' manhood at her cars' mirror. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author leesc90 Posted June 29, 2014 Author Share Posted June 29, 2014 yeah I'm working on doing the right thing. I'm a really loving guy.. it's tough but I appreciate you all sticking by me and not giving up Link to post Share on other sites
Author leesc90 Posted June 30, 2014 Author Share Posted June 30, 2014 I have been very doormat like, but I didn't message her saying that you taking so long makes it clear to me that you are just full of it. I feel like I'll get a lot of power back if I made a move like that, but maybe you guys are right. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 I have been very doormat like, but I didn't message her saying that you taking so long makes it clear to me that you are just full of it. I feel like I'll get a lot of power back if I made a move like that, but maybe you guys are right. No you won't. You'll look like even more of a weakling. Honestly, the only way you get your power back for yourself (not in relation to her) is to STOP TALKING TO HER. It should be clear to you by now that every impulse you have is awful and just wrong. And being a "loving guy" does not mean being someone's bitch. And right now, you're her bitch and you have been her bitch for a while. You give love to people who deserve love and who will give you love back. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
emotionalMess Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 Quote I found - You are not an option. Here’s the thing: When you wait around for someone to contact you or respond to a message you put yourself on layaway so that you can be available should they see fit to ‘make contact’ and dignify and communicate that not only do they not have to value your time or even you as a person, but that you’re an option. Date or sleep with another woman, and let it be known you are doing it. Atm, you are nothing but an option with her, and this means that you have treated her too well [with respect], and she took you for a ride when it was convenient for her. She still thinks you are above her ... let her go or end up with her, you have to show that you do in fact see yourself as better than this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr.Pine Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 I have been very doormat like, but I didn't message her saying that you taking so long makes it clear to me that you are just full of it. I feel like I'll get a lot of power back if I made a move like that, but maybe you guys are right. You have been very doormat like? My friend, that would be in the past tense. You are and continue to be the world's BIGGEST doormat. This girl has you by the short and curlies and you're oblivious. Be a friggin' man and drop the beeyotch. Never be a choice...be THE choice. 5 pages of advice and you have followed NONE of it. Like the other people here who crash and burn and cry that they should have listened, you should really listen before you, yourself, crash and burn. Who are we kidding. You'll do what you want to do. Like the rest of them. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author leesc90 Posted June 30, 2014 Author Share Posted June 30, 2014 guys I am on a whole different perspective than 5 pages ago. before this I probably would still be waiting for her call. now I am not waiting for anything. I'm moving on and it's in great part through this forum 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Bumpin in My Trunk Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 Oh look, I literally posted a thread with the SAME situation in another section of the forums but never did I get such support. That was just a little rant against LS. Moving on to serious advice: Date/Fack around. Don't let it be known. She has you in limbo, making you her option, while you make her your priority. Let me tell you that the SAME **** happened to me and it is important that you DONT let her know you are seeing other people. This woman will try to guilt trip you by saying that you are unfaithful and unfair and she might compare you to this other guy by saying that he isn't seeing anyone else and he is more serious about dating her. I had other women showing me attention but I didn't look into it. Not because I was trying to prove to her that I'm loyal, but because I was too busy trying to keep her from leaving me. Expand your horizons I gave this girl the best of me and was always there for her and sacrificed so much for her only to be left and used. Idk if you have made your decision but I suggest you look into my advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 (edited) 5 pages of advice and you have followed NONE of it. Like the other people here who crash and burn and cry that they should have listened, you should really listen before you, yourself, crash and burn. Who are we kidding. You'll do what you want to do. Like the rest of them. Hey, leave the dismissive attitude outside the door, will ya? If the effort irritates you too much, then don't participate. Jeez, it's been barely 48 hours since the OP first posted, and he's come a damn long way. It takes TIME, not just a number of posts, to work through this stuff, and almost everybody wallows and backslides before they get moving forward. If you're irritated that your precious advice didn't turn his world around in 10 minutes - you obviously either haven't been through this kind of thing, or else congratulations to you for being Super-Person™, better than all the rest of us and able to recover from loss instantly, ta da!!! Not everybody just "gets it" in a couple days. If you can't deal with that, you have every right to step aside. "Tough love" is fine, but I'm calling out this do what you want to do. Like the rest of them "advice." That's not advice or tough love; that's just bitter sarcasm. No you won't. You'll look like even more of a weakling. Honestly, the only way you get your power back for yourself (not in relation to her) is to STOP TALKING TO HER. It should be clear to you by now that every impulse you have is awful and just wrong. To the OP, a very important point in the passage above is that you are getting your power back for you. This is not a power struggle with her, so it doesn't do you (or your recovery) any good to make a point or an impression, or land a blow or anything like that in relation to her. Cut off any communications, disconnect, and focus on you. Gathering your power involves what you are doing within your life, how you are feeling about yourself, and you taking control of disconnecting from her. I can totally understand wanting to send that message, even if it's just a final one of "I'm done - don't come back," and if you were already feeling super strong, I'd not even argue too much against you doing it. But you aren't; you are still climbing out of this hole and I'm concerned that it might lead to another interaction that you wouldn't handle well, or one that would likely set you back further. This does nothing to serve your purpose, which is to look forward, and begin to move forward. You need to sever your connections with her - there's no "kind of" or "maybe" or middle ground on this. This is total, complete disconnection. You're going to have an impulse to half-way it - like not erasing her phone number from your contacts, because you know it by heart. Well, take the step of erasing her from your contacts anyway, as a symbolic gesture, if nothing else. Take every opportunity - every available step you can - to disconnect, and don't allow yourself any excuse to cheese it and do it halfway. Here's where you start being strong, in small ways: don't allow yourself to make excuses to do a halfway job. Even if it's something like erasing her from your contacts even though you know her number - ERASE IT anyway. Take her out of your EMail contacts, block her on Facebook or whatever other social media connections you have. Don't wonder what she will think; don't wonder if it's "OK" or not - it doesn't matter what she thinks about any of it; this is for you. Take every possible step - small and large - to exercise your ability to disconnect and build your strength in moving forward. Edited June 30, 2014 by Trimmer 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr.Pine Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 Not everybody just "gets it" in a couple days. You're right. He doesn't "get it". Maybe on the 6th page of this thread he will. Fingers crossed...toes, too. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 Jeez, it's been barely 48 hours since the OP first posted, and he's come a damn long way. To be fair, he's been at this for five months, not 48 hours. That's part of the reason for the frustration from some posters. If he was only a few days or weeks removed, I think the tone would be a bit more coddling and less "get your head out of your ass". JMO. Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 6 month since my ex dumped me and if this happened to me, I would be in the exact same turmoil. Of course i want him back more than anything. I totally understand where OP is coming from and its easy for us to see what he couldn't, Thats what love does to us!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 (edited) To be fair, he's been at this for five months, not 48 hours. That's part of the reason for the frustration from some posters. If he was only a few days or weeks removed, I think the tone would be a bit more coddling and less "get your head out of your ass". JMO. His learning of her reason for leaving and her coming back and saying that she misses him and that she's still trying to decide are apparently new developments. And irrespective of exactly what time scale we're talking about, I don't even object to "get your head out of your ass" - at least that's accurate and reasonable advice for moving forward. I kinda snapped at one particular comment of: Who are we kidding. You'll do what you want to do. Like the rest of them.If you're so worn out and tired and frustrated at trying to help someone that you're starting to throw out that kind of totally unhelpful bitterness - essentially resorting to insulting the OP - then shouldn't you really ask yourself if it's time to step back and take a breather instead of continuing to engage at that level? Edited June 30, 2014 by Trimmer 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author leesc90 Posted June 30, 2014 Author Share Posted June 30, 2014 His learning of her reason for leaving and her coming back and saying that she misses him and that she's still trying to decide are apparently new developments. And irrespective of exactly what time scale we're talking about, I don't even object to "get your head out of your ass" - at least that's accurate and reasonable advice for moving forward. I kinda snapped at one particular comment of: If you're so worn out and tired and frustrated at trying to help someone that you're starting to throw out that kind of totally unhelpful bitterness - essentially resorting to insulting the OP - then shouldn't you really ask yourself if it's time to step back and take a breather instead of continuing to engage at that level? thanks for your advice trimmer & for understanding. i know it has been 5 months officially since the BU, but honestly this new development has changed everything and been the hardest thing to cope with. i know i should be stronger, i will be stronger, but its still really fresh. im not gonna contact her, i have deleted her number, and i know better now. im just scared, bc i know when she contacts me, regardless of what she has to say, it will affect me. but its been made known on here that contacting her to not contact me would be a worse move. i hope to get over this soon. thanks for all the support, i am indebted. Link to post Share on other sites
LostConfused123 Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 Is there any way you can change your number? Severe all ties? I'm so sorry for your pain. Wishing you the very best! ((hugs!)) Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 thanks for your advice trimmer & for understanding. i know it has been 5 months officially since the BU, but honestly this new development has changed everything and been the hardest thing to cope with. i know i should be stronger, i will be stronger, but its still really fresh. im not gonna contact her, i have deleted her number, and i know better now. im just scared, bc i know when she contacts me, regardless of what she has to say, it will affect me. but its been made known on here that contacting her to not contact me would be a worse move. i hope to get over this soon. thanks for all the support, i am indebted. I would go the extra mile and just block the number. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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