Dumper came back, but is choosing between me and new man

[leesc90]

there is a thought in my head I really want to dispel. can you guys help me?

 

if I right now did something really sweet for her I feel like she's someone I could win back and from there well be committed... doesn't work this way?

[SoThatHappened]

there is a thought in my head I really want to dispel. can you guys help me?

 

if I right now did something really sweet for her I feel like she's someone I could win back and from there well be committed... doesn't work this way?

Ugh, man...

 

NO! Do NOT send her anything. She doesn't exist, remember?

 

Stop, dude. Just stop.

[dreamingoftigers]

alksdn;lsandkadnlkasnd;lsandklnsalk;kanl

 

fustrated..

 

do you guys think i have mental issues? legitimately. i may go see a therapist soon. i dont think feeling like this is normal

 

Hold on a minute now. Lee, you are in the throes of some pretty heavy circumstances and you are dealing with it alone. Some of this post may sound harsh, and I am reluctant to be harsh about it because I've been there and it can be pretty shaming when you already hear kicked so low.

 

I have some news for you..... Probably 90% of people have "mental issues." I'm not kidding.

 

But the bigger problem, whether you have "mental issues" or not, is that you are really throwing yourself under the bus here.

 

Honestly, it's more about trying to analyze and diagnose yourself instead of taking your temperature and seeing how you are feeling, knowing that being treated like this sparks a whole range of unpleasant emotions in you. No matter who she is or what she has to offer.

 

How does being lied to by her make you feel?

How does being cheated on by her make you feel?

How does being set up and dropped many times by her in the last month make you feel?

How does it feel to have her dump her confusion on you and give you false hope instead of her sorting her own problems out first and coming to you with a sure answer make you feel?

 

Seriously. I am not trying to shame you or hammer you with more pain. But really, she may feel good when things are good.......

 

But how does it feel when things are bad. Don't cut those parts of yourself off and tell yourself you can "take the hit if it works in the long run."

 

Because this is the long-run, she has a pathological behavioral pattern and this is how it expresses itself.

 

In my case, my husband is a runner. He checks out under stress (no matter how minor). I would describe him as a Fair Weather husband who has trouble processing how his disappearances (for days at a time regularly) cause other people to feel. The up and down is exhausting and humiliating (as well as some of his other behaviours). The biggest feeling I can identify with is being "drained." It is also very, very costly. Over the years it has cost career options, thousands of dollars, stability and many emotional resources. Because I believed that I could calm it down and talk to him about it. Solve it rationally. Wait it out. etc. etc. etc.

 

So really, change him back to more like what he was when we were first together and had relatively little stress. Well, guess what? He's a basket-case and you can't un-basket-case a basket-case. He's the only one that can do that. And him dealing with it causes him stress so it just triggers the whole cycle again. Ugh.

 

He isn't going to change by me talking to him if he ever ever changes at all. The only thing I can do is figure out how I feel about it and acknowledge it. I don't like it. It's traumatic, uneven, rude and disrespectful. It impacts my like and my feelings. I can't pretend it doesn't and I am sick of taking care of our home and daughter and financial concerns almost exclusively when he vanishes. It gets very very very old. The good feelings you have about the person almost evaporate until they disappear. Because when they do, it's like you miss the good parts about them and almost idealize them.

 

But the truth is, when he's home, and starting to act like a jackass again, I feel tempted to pull an old-fashioned housewife and knock him out with the rolling pin that I don't even own. And I am not a violent person. The resent is just killer.

 

But a further truth is this: he is responsible for him changing. But I am responsible for changing my own life. I can't decide how sick he is of living a half-life. But I can decide how sick I am of him doing this. And I can limit my contact with him (we still have a daughter) and I can leave. I can even disappear myself. Let him stew for a few days. Not that it would help, but it might feel good in the short-term.

 

The point is that there are options. Options that I can take to make myself feel better and give myself my power back over my feelings and state.

 

If being rejected and set-up makes you feel like crap, don't give it the option to happen.

You know that her feelings are based more out of a fear of loneliness. It doesn't mean that you aren't a great guy, aren't special or weren't a good boyfriend or attractive or whatever. It doesn't mean that you aren't worthy of good treatment.

 

It means that she is not treating you with respect because for whatever reason SHE treats people in a screwed-up way.

 

And no, it actually doesn't mean that the other guy is better or any better off anyway. Let's just say that he did dump her. The first thing that she does is arrange to get with you. Does that show a lot of genuine care or love for that other guy? Is he really that special? Or is he just the most recent flavor that she hasn't traded out yet?

 

She's still bouncing back and forth. Does it really matter if she likes him 51% and you 49%? It could be the difference between he has slightly shorter hair and she likes that just a bit more. So when his hair grows out and you get yours cut, all of a sudden you are worthier? You'll never know. (Oh jeez, don't go looking for the magic solution either, okay).

 

It means that she has a pathological issue with using guys because she either over-or-under attaches to people. (Which isn't uncommon). She needs someone to attach to constantly, compiles a sort of "list of options" and shifts around between them. So it's over-attaching just because she's so needy but under-attaching because she doesn't really attach to anyone in particular.

 

I have known two women like this. Unfortunately one lost her life in April. She was a very tragic case. But frankly, I wouldn't have trusted her to be loyal if I had to go away overnight. She could not easily be in a room alone even. She stayed at my place for a couple of weeks and had to be in constant contact with someone. If I left the room, she'd be on the phone instantly. She kept wanting to be in the living room, not her own space at all and always wanting my husband or I there. Even the dog got sick of it. LOL. I am not kidding. Our dog who was such an attention-whore would get sick of her and walk away. She wasn't really "aggravating" or anything. And she was really beautiful and I know that she charmed LOTS and LOTS of guys. But she couldn't hold it together. And she was sharp and critical at times too.

 

It's hard to explain that she wasn't a "bad person." In fact, she seemed very very very lost. And she stayed that way until she burned to death in a fire in April.

 

The other woman I knew like that lived two doors down from me and was a friend of mine for awhile. But ugh. Her husband went to the rigs (she didn't work). She screwed around on him with five different guys, including his brother (nice brother eh?).

 

She left him for his brother. His brother got sick of it. So she hooked up with his friend D and even moved in with him for six months. And started a relationship with his best friend C. So when she tipped the balance there, she got kicked out with "nowhere to go" and came and stayed at my place. With her new boyfriend C. Then she started messing around with her husband whom she originally messed around on.

 

By the way, she had a 3 and 4 year-old with her husband during all of this. Wonderful eh? Lucky, lucky kids.

 

That's what happens when people "can't be alone" and have a "list of options" to exercise.

 

Worry less about what a woman is and worry more about how she treats people in the long-run. Everyone wears masks. Take the time to learn each one before trusting someone with your heart.

 

Make sure that your heart is the most valuable thing. It is the only heart you are guaranteed to live with the rest of your life.

 

I have my crowbar ready to go if you don't stop this. She didn't come to you. She said a bunch of bulls--t to keep your weak ass on the leash, then just as quickly walked away. You're probably too young to understand this reference, but you are Charlie Brown and she is Lucy, inviting you over to try to kick the football. But every time you run up to kick it, she pulls it back and you go flying and fall on your face.

 

You can't afford to be this delusional. How the hell can you still trust this woman after all the broken promises? I mean, what happened to your brain to where it has stopped working?

 

Are you actually going to block her this time? It's obvious that you were lying to us when you said you did before, because it was awfully easy for her to come right in and drop this deuce on your lap.

 

As passionate as this quote is, we all can agree that you are thinking with your Lower Brain (this is not a euphemism, I actually mean the more reptilian portion of your brain). You are easily pulled back into the old cycle on the promise of acceptance from her. This isn't saying a bad thing about you. It means that working on that area of your brain is about as easy as strolling through a tar pit. It can be done, but it is very very very tough. It requires patience and time and self-compassion.

 

The only other easily-accessible option is to block her and that will help you make sure that you don't go through the withdrawal from false hope over and over.

 

As soon as you take your power back, you'll probably feel a lot better instantly. I know that I did when I was younger and applied the same fix.

 

guys, i promise, FOR MYSELF, that i will be in 100% no contact. this woman is now dead to me. i should not have left things with "i love you." as the last words uttered. but i am out of the picture.

 

 

 

i think i do have some personal issues that are making me act this way. in my mind she is the girl that every guy wants, the diamond in the rough. shes freaking beautiful, shes smart, and athletic. her downfall is that she is fickle..

 

There are smart, beautiful, athletic women out there that won't treat your heart like a tennis ball. Once you've recovered from this, you'll meet some. But that will only happen when you actually take the correct steps to let this one go. It's time to stop being your own worst enemy.

 

True.

 

And the more healthy the emotional outlook you develop and hold to, the healthier the people you attract. I have experienced this time and time again. When I am taking care of myself and not allowing anyone to intrude on my happiness, I attract other, healthier people. When I am down and out and feeling that sting of loneliness and desperation, wondering what my husband is thinking or up to, I get more and more isolated as he then holds all of the power over my happiness. So I end up waiting for him to be able to move on in my own life.

 

It's a hard cycle to break. I was broken-down very harshly as a child and young woman. Made to care for others and clean up emotional messes that weren't my own. So it created one for me and I still feel the compulsion to try to "fix" someone's broken feelings. But that isn't love. That's actually not accepting and listening to who they really are and how they really feel.

[dreamingoftigers]

there is a thought in my head I really want to dispel. can you guys help me?

 

if I right now did something really sweet for her I feel like she's someone I could win back and from there well be committed... doesn't work this way?

 

Love works differently for everyone.

 

And really, you know, you KNOW that you'd win her back for a short while if you did win her back and then she'd drift again.

 

Just forget about what you are doing for her, sacrifices you are making whatever. Then she would just run around again.

 

She doesn't notice what she has with someone, she only notices what she lacks. And then she chases it.

 

Guess what? I bet that you have a similar issue. Often people like this couple together. It's just that she doesn't put enough effort in, in this case.

 

If she loved you whole-heartedly and chased you down and begged, begged, begged you for full attention, you would probably notice how needy she was and not how much "effort" she was putting in. You'd get annoyed.

 

That's because things are out of balance within dynamics like this.

 

You both have trouble with intimacy and loneliness, it's just taking different forms.

 

Often people do this to avoid their own feelings. They don't want to admit that they are part of the problem.

 

They either want to BE the problem or assign the other person ALL of the fault.

That way they have "no control" over the issue as much as they try to exercise it. It allows them to be carried away in the emotions that they don't actually acknowledge and address. It puts the owness on others to take care of them. It never works. Because we naturally have to take care of ourselves. Only we can take care of certain aspects of our selves. Only we can integrate with ourselves. And we are the only ones that we actually have to live with.

 

Somewhere in there, there's a little voice asking you to stop and grieve and acknowledge that you are sad or mad or hurt or frustrated. And it's asking you to do something else instead of trying to get her to validate and acknowledge you. It's asking you to validate and acknowledge you and how you are feeling.

 

After that, you can start to heal.

[Simon Phoenix]

there is a thought in my head I really want to dispel. can you guys help me?

 

if I right now did something really sweet for her I feel like she's someone I could win back and from there well be committed... doesn't work this way?

 

Every time I think you couldn't come up with a worse idea, you somehow manage to. It's kind of amazing really. Honestly, one of the biggest reasons you are in this mess is because you've been a complete pushover. Somehow you come up with the solution to be more of a pushover, that doubling down on weakness is a good play? Dear God man.

 

The only good thing about your post is that you posted it first instead of doing it. Everything else is so utterly cringeworthy I don't even know how to process it. If this isn't evidence to you how wrong your instincts are, then I don't know man. Either way, you need to take a lap.

[leesc90]

Every time I think you couldn't come up with a worse idea, you somehow manage to. It's kind of amazing really. Honestly, one of the biggest reasons you are in this mess is because you've been a complete pushover. Somehow you come up with the solution to be more of a pushover, that doubling down on weakness is a good play? Dear God man.

 

The only good thing about your post is that you posted it first instead of doing it. Everything else is so utterly cringeworthy I don't even know how to process it. If this isn't evidence to you how wrong your instincts are, then I don't know man. Either way, you need to take a lap.

 

Simon, thanks for not being mean even though I'm delusional sometimes. I say this because the other man is constantly showering with attention and care and love and it worked to swing her in her favor yesterday. I know I could do the same...

 

but yeah I make sure to post heree before I do anything. I iust feel like if I don't fight for her and he does then she'll take it as... that I don't care as much.. yeah.

[FortunateSon]

Lee....there is NOTHING left to fight for!!!

[SoThatHappened]

It doesn't matter what he's doing or she's doing. Fighting for her is going to push her further away. I 100% guarantee it. She already knows you care WAY too much, and look where that's got you.

 

You need to do the opposite of pretty much every thought in your head.

 

I'm at the point where I want to tell you to do everything wrong just so you may learn from getting burned. You're not taking advice from us, so I don't know what else to tell ya.

[Simon Phoenix]

Dude, get your head out of your ass. If there's one thing she knows, it's your willingness to drop everything and make her the center of your universe. You've done this for years and SHE STILL BROKE UP WITH YOU. You are fighting for someone who has absolutely no interest in fighting for you. You are fighting for someone who doesn't respect you as a man. I would guess she secretly wonders what the hell is wrong with you. Being more of a wuss is not the way to attract someone. You are her bitch and she knows it.

 

I mean, the stuff you are saying is awful. You say you know it'd work. If you knew what worked, you wouldn't have spent six months chasing your tail and head butting brick walls. You need to realize that everything you feel is right right now is completely wrong. I mean with every post I just shake my head.

[leesc90]

yeah.. I just wish people were more honest.

 

the words of hers that keep resounding in my head are that she knows she'll never stop loving me and that she doesn't want to live her life without me in it.

 

how can you say such things and throw them away.. she said it so sincerely.

 

I'm glad I have a community here that doesn't judge and talks me out if my instincts. they are all so wrong. I won't contact her or try anymore. I know the other man is, and she's probably being all sweet talked and falling back into that everyday.....

[johnson_j]

yeah.. I just wish people were more honest.

 

the words of hers that keep resounding in my head are that she knows she'll never stop loving me and that she doesn't want to live her life without me in it.

 

how can you say such things and throw them away.. she said it so sincerely.

 

I'm glad I have a community here that doesn't judge and talks me out if my instincts. they are all so wrong. I won't contact her or try anymore. I know the other man is, and she's probably being all sweet talked and falling back into that everyday.....

 

 

Where are you at, lee? I'm going to fly there and kick your ass. Because your ex sounds like my ex, and I wish someone had done that to me and then I wouldn't have undergone the three months of torturous back-and-forth that you're just starting. Step back man. BLOCK if you need to.

[BC1980]

yeah.. I just wish people were more honest.

 

the words of hers that keep resounding in my head are that she knows she'll never stop loving me and that she doesn't want to live her life without me in it.

 

how can you say such things and throw them away.. she said it so sincerely.

 

I'm glad I have a community here that doesn't judge and talks me out if my instincts. they are all so wrong. I won't contact her or try anymore. I know the other man is, and she's probably being all sweet talked and falling back into that everyday.....

 

Once again, look at her actions, not her words. It's easy to make grand, sweeping statements about how she loves you and always sees you in her life. What does that even mean exactly? She can say all of that and still not want to be in a relationship with you. People make all kinds of statements they might mean at the time but don't end up following through in the way you anticipated. She actually made a very vague statement when it comes down to it, which is why she can't back it up with actions.

[Simon Phoenix]

She might love you - in the way she loves a friend, a family member, or even a pet (especially with the way you've been acting). I'm not sure she's lying in that respect. However, it's clear she does not love you romantically and that you are filling in blanks that shouldn't be filled. She is taking advantage of you, which sucks, but it's up to you to be strong enough to not let that happen. It's not her job to set you free - it's your job to be an adult and do that for yourself. I mean, you're six months broken up and constantly making rookie mistakes. We can't help you until you are committed to helping yourself.

[dreamingoftigers]

yeah.. I just wish people were more honest.

 

the words of hers that keep resounding in my head are that she knows she'll never stop loving me and that she doesn't want to live her life without me in it.

 

how can you say such things and throw them away.. she said it so sincerely.

 

I'm glad I have a community here that doesn't judge and talks me out if my instincts. they are all so wrong. I won't contact her or try anymore. I know the other man is, and she's probably being all sweet talked and falling back into that everyday.....

 

Lying messes with your head in a BIG WAY.

 

It sounds like your "love language" is words/verbal. You REALLY NEED to find someone whose actions match their words for, I would say, AT LEAST a year before deciding to settle down with them in any way.

 

Otherwise, they just use it as a manipulation and they just have to throw you cheap words to make you feel better and trust them again.

 

I have the same weakness. And without something real behind it, it is so so so damaging.

 

Protect your heart.

[leesc90]

Lying messes with your head in a BIG WAY.

 

It sounds like your "love language" is words/verbal. You REALLY NEED to find someone whose actions match their words for, I would say, AT LEAST a year before deciding to settle down with them in any way.

 

Otherwise, they just use it as a manipulation and they just have to throw you cheap words to make you feel better and trust them again.

 

I have the same weakness. And without something real behind it, it is so so so damaging.

 

Protect your heart.

 

she wasn't always like this. when we were living together for 2 years she was the most committed and sincere girl I've ever met. that's why I am the way I am.. it's just how things have progressed that I am grasping painfully slowly. every word here helps me grip the bitter truth..

[dannytheman]

you need to tell her to decide. it may be not wise to get into something with her bc she still has feelings for another man

[Simon Phoenix]

you need to tell her to decide. it may be not wise to get into something with her bc she still has feelings for another man

 

He already tried that. She decided for the other guy then made this half-ass comeback, which he gobbled up. He needs to make the decision and separate from this WITHOUT telling her.

[FortunateSon]

she wasn't always like this. when we were living together for 2 years she was the most committed and sincere girl I've ever met. that's why I am the way I am.. it's just how things have progressed that I am grasping painfully slowly. every word here helps me grip the bitter truth..

I have been in this situation, you are stuck on who she used to be, not who she is now. She is NOT that same person now, that you saw her as in the beginning. You are clinging to this image of her that is false. You need to knock her off her pedestal, she is not good for you or the person you think that she is.

[leesc90]

I should ask her to decide...?

[CarrieT]

I should ask her to decide...?

 

NOOOOOOO!!!!!

 

She *has* decided. By her waffling and game-playing.

 

You said several pages ago you were going NC. That should be your course of action now. Not concerning yourself about her.

[dreamingoftigers]

i should ask her to decide...?

 

she decided.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

I should ask her to decide...?

 

Dude QUIT trying to find side ways around it. you havent listened to really anything we have said.

 

There is no going around it...ITS OVER. I know it sucks to read but its done There is no option D, E, F, G. She made her choice and it sucks. I know the majority of people feel your pain.

 

We also know what to do and what not to know. Everything you have done or thinking about doing are not very good ideas. Does it blow? Yes....until you learn to face the first real truth of it, then there is nothing we can really help you with.

[Simon Phoenix]

I should ask her to decide...?

 

If you do this I will fly to wherever you live and beat the ever loving crap out of you. Take another lap.

[leesc90]

I skipped to page 17 thinking I'd find the resolution and found this instead...

 

Bro, I just went through this bull****. If there is another guy at all then she isn't your woman. She is trying to figure out who is "better" and once the next best thing comes along your ass is going back on the street.

 

I only said should I ask her to decide bc of a poster above..

 

she really did decide. dumping me was deciding. cheating on me was deciding. stringing me along and kicking me back out many times was deciding. she has decided.

 

no woman who loves two men can be mine...

[irresolute]

I feel really bad for you. You seem so desperate and lonely, just accepting her breadcrumbs like if your life wouldn't have any value...

Please move on!! Maybe I feel so bad for you because I was also in a relationship in which I loved more than they loved me and still today it hurts so very much to accept it.

I'm so very sorry. But you need to be strong and move on and eventually find someone who will love you. That would feel so good...

Please go no contact. She doesn't deserve any more words from you.