Dumper came back, but is choosing between me and new man

[leesc90]

I feel really bad for you. You seem so desperate and lonely, just accepting her breadcrumbs like if your life wouldn't have any value...

Please move on!! Maybe I feel so bad for you because I was also in a relationship in which I loved more than they loved me and still today it hurts so very much to accept it.

I'm so very sorry. But you need to be strong and move on and eventually find someone who will love you. That would feel so good...

Please go no contact. She doesn't deserve any more words from you.

 

yeah, i am in no contact..

 

i know today she has been hit up by the other guy like crazy.. hes probably surprising her at her house now. whereas i choose to be silent and let her have her space.

 

its really hard and counter-intuitive, but i am taking the advice from this forum against my brain. hope this gets easier as the days go by. it was hard going NC before, but going NC knowing shes being talked to by the other man is even harder.

[SoThatHappened]

That is what NC is for. To be completely ignorant of what's going on in her life.

 

If it helps you, make up your own reality where he has a very small penis, she fakes every orgasm, and she knows in her head that she doesn't want to stay with him forever.

 

Honestly, man, you have to, HAVE TO, let this go. Cut any and all forms of contact. Like I said, make up your own reality if you have to. Just get through one day at a time.

 

It's going to SUCK for the next few weeks, possibly few months. The ONLY things you can do are improve yourself physically and get out and about with friends and family.

 

She's going to be on your mind non-stop for weeks. Do whatever you can to keep your mind occupied on something else.

 

Break down and bawl your eyes out when you feel the need. Don't repress it. Guys are supposed to be tough, but holding that s--t in will destroy you. Let it out.

 

But don't, under any circumstances whatsoever, allow any form of contact between you and her.

 

Tell her you're going off the grid if you have to. Just DON'T KEEP ANY FORM OF CONTACT.

 

In a month you'll be better than you are now. Two months, ten times better. Six months, probably dating again and wondering why the heck you let yourself be tortured like this.

[leesc90]

That is what NC is for. To be completely ignorant of what's going on in her life.

 

If it helps you, make up your own reality where he has a very small penis, she fakes every orgasm, and she knows in her head that she doesn't want to stay with him forever.

 

Honestly, man, you have to, HAVE TO, let this go. Cut any and all forms of contact. Like I said, make up your own reality if you have to. Just get through one day at a time.

 

It's going to SUCK for the next few weeks, possibly few months. The ONLY things you can do are improve yourself physically and get out and about with friends and family.

 

She's going to be on your mind non-stop for weeks. Do whatever you can to keep your mind occupied on something else.

 

Break down and bawl your eyes out when you feel the need. Don't repress it. Guys are supposed to be tough, but holding that s--t in will destroy you. Let it out.

 

But don't, under any circumstances whatsoever, allow any form of contact between you and her.

 

Tell her you're going off the grid if you have to. Just DON'T KEEP ANY FORM OF CONTACT.

 

In a month you'll be better than you are now. Two months, ten times better. Six months, probably dating again and wondering why the heck you let yourself be tortured like this.

 

thanks for this.. i need all the encouragement i can get. i will get better...

[SoThatHappened]

thanks for this.. i need all the encouragement i can get. i will get better...

 

I know that no advice given here is going to really help how you feel at the moment. Believe me. I and everyone else who has experienced heartbreak know that advice given in the throes of heartbreak goes through one ear and out the other.

 

However, I did hear this guy has a very small penis and finishes WAY too early.

 

Just take my word for it and don't ask how I know.

[frankvega]

Well, the poor guy is addicted and doesn't have any support, I can infer.

He just can't do anything different because he still hasn't realized how unhealthy this relationship is.

We have to feel sorry for him. He'll break no contact and repeat the cycle once again until he'll be so devastated, he can no longer continue hurting himself.

Just like I did. Sadly, I know how this works.

None of our words will help him. Think of him like a drug addict. It's so very sad. I've been on his shoes for almost 2 years. And still, fighting every single day.

 

I am going thru something very similar and I know first hand the agony that he is going thru.

Thank you for understanding and being able to relate to what OP is experiencing.

[leesc90]

I'm not trolling.. and I won't break nc. as much as I want to she's made her decision. because of you all I'm stronger.. I may have broken it without the help here.

 

I don't mean to seem like a troll

[daisydook]

I should ask her to decide...?

 

No, Love... Please do not ask her to decide. There is no question. I thought she already decided? She decided not you. It was unfair for her to bring this to your attention, while another man is involved, is trying to woo her and while she is all for it. End of story. Where is she tonight? Not with you. Please. I know this sucks and hurts. She has chosen him. She is probably with him at this very moment.

 

Although I am probably a lot like your ex in this situation (a year between men however... because I do believe people should work out THEIR emotions on THEIR own sometimes, and YES, SINGLE.) I had mentioned in a post a few pages back that you she should have figured this stuff out single, instead of trying to bring you into it too quickly, before she knows what she wants. She knows she is absolutely destroying your heart.

 

I do believe there are certain things you cannot figure out while in the heat of said things, so dating someone while trying to figure out if you miss your ex, is stupid, for lack of a better word I say this, because adult human beings take time to be single, to sort themselves out, and yes, I do believe SHE can and figure out what SHE wants while single. I say this, so she doesn't hurt anyone. I have done both, and I tell ya, it hurt people when I didn't give myself some me time to sort things out. I, in turn, hurt myself by doing this as well. I did not give myself a chance to heal from one thing, then found myself in a new thing, having all the same problems I had before. So I learned it was best to be single to work through my emotions after leaving my ex. I do have to say, this relationship has been the best of my life! Lol. I have more of ME to offer and I am not so jaded anymore. I do believe I needed to be single for a while to work things out with myself I was not going to be able to work out IN a relationship. I also didn't trust myself. I know my ex is my weakness and I really and truly wanted to know I was able to move on and care for someone else, when I decided I wanted to date seriously again. I didn't trust myself at 3 months to start dating, and then still go running back to him because I was confused or something, so I simply did not date. Turned out, I did not go running back to him either, but I played it safe. I really just didn't want to hurt anyone. Truly.

 

When I left my ex, after I found out he was cheating, after 9 years together, my whole entire world collapsed... as I knew it anyway. I still kept waking up every single blasted day though! The world didn't collapse. My heart broke. My world was not as I knew it and my world as I knew it, was over. Lost and broken, I had to somehow learn to be happy with a new reality. A reality I did not like, a reality I did not want to choose, and one I would not have ever imagined in a million years.

 

It destroyed my heart. I have maintained no contact. It has as times felt unbearable and really painful. I am 30, and I met my ex when I was a teenager, half my life ago, at 15. He really could pull at my heart strings if I let him. I do not allow it. There have been so many nights (mainly when I am alone) that I feel the need to call him and yell and scream, or call him and make sure he is okay, oddly enough. There is just so much unfinished business with him. I left him the day I met his girlfriend. I moved out on my own, and ignored every attempt he made to contact me for a year. I started dating again in December (seriously and openly in the world.) I knew he was devastated , because everyone just HAD to tell me. That is when he finally stopped calling and texting. After a year apart and after he found out I was dating. I think he always thought I would come home, until he realized I was moving on and happy. I

 

I found myself wanting to apologize for leaving him and not trying to forgive him a little harder. I found I was feeling very guilty and I opened my account here. I literally gave up, walked out and never spoke to him again. Do I respect my decision most of the time? Absolutely. He cheated on me after almost a decade together, 3 months to our wedding day, while we were trying for a baby. The guy is a god damn moron! You are damn right I made the right choice. I know this. Rationally. Unfortunately, we aren't always rational. Lol. I realized contacting him was probably the worst thing I could do for both of us. It was MY guilt, MY issues, MY feelings, MY PROBLEM! Calling him to apologize would set him back immensely and all I would be doing is feeding my own ego anyway. All I would be doing is saying sorry, that I am not over things, that we have unfinished business, but that I do not want to be with him. It would all but confuse him. It confuses me! Lol. Long story short, no contact is good.

 

I am dating a great guy, and I would be quite upset if he were to no longer be a part of my life. This relationship means a lot to me, and he has been wonderful. I should not feel guilty for being happy, and embracing what I do have now. I wasn't the one who stole my future. At this point in my life, I have chosen to focus on what I do have and not what I do not have. No matter what, I will never be able to get the ex back, I once was with. We are both different people because of this. It would not only hurt my ex, but it would hurt me, and it would also hurt my boyfriend if I were to make contact. I care a lot about him, and there is no reason to be in contact with someone I don't want, when I have a really special thing in front of me.

 

I do not understand dragging your heart through this. I believe you should go no contact for your own sake. My ex has, finally, and I truly hope he is doing better. I really do. I know he probably isn't, but hey. I know I am not making his life worse, by telling him whats really going on in my head. I come here for a reason.

[leesc90]

No, Love... Please do not ask her to decide. There is no question. I thought she already decided? She decided not you. It was unfair for her to bring this to your attention, while another man is involved, is trying to woo her and while she is all for it. End of story. Where is she tonight? Not with you. Please. I know this sucks and hurts. She has chosen him. She is probably with him at this very moment.

 

Although I am probably a lot like your ex in this situation (a year between men however... because I do believe people should work out THEIR emotions on THEIR own sometimes, and YES, SINGLE.) I had mentioned in a post a few pages back that you she should have figured this stuff out single, instead of trying to bring you into it too quickly, before she knows what she wants. She knows she is absolutely destroying your heart.

 

I do believe there are certain things you cannot figure out while in the heat of said things, so dating someone while trying to figure out if you miss your ex, is stupid, for lack of a better word I say this, because adult human beings take time to be single, to sort themselves out, and yes, I do believe SHE can and figure out what SHE wants while single. I say this, so she doesn't hurt anyone. I have done both, and I tell ya, it hurt people when I didn't give myself some me time to sort things out. I, in turn, hurt myself by doing this as well. I did not give myself a chance to heal from one thing, then found myself in a new thing, having all the same problems I had before. So I learned it was best to be single to work through my emotions after leaving my ex. I do have to say, this relationship has been the best of my life! Lol. I have more of ME to offer and I am not so jaded anymore. I do believe I needed to be single for a while to work things out with myself I was not going to be able to work out IN a relationship. I also didn't trust myself. I know my ex is my weakness and I really and truly wanted to know I was able to move on and care for someone else, when I decided I wanted to date seriously again. I didn't trust myself at 3 months to start dating, and then still go running back to him because I was confused or something, so I simply did not date. Turned out, I did not go running back to him either, but I played it safe. I really just didn't want to hurt anyone. Truly.

 

When I left my ex, after I found out he was cheating, after 9 years together, my whole entire world collapsed... as I knew it anyway. I still kept waking up every single blasted day though! The world didn't collapse. My heart broke. My world was not as I knew it and my world as I knew it, was over. Lost and broken, I had to somehow learn to be happy with a new reality. A reality I did not like, a reality I did not want to choose, and one I would not have ever imagined in a million years.

 

It destroyed my heart. I have maintained no contact. It has as times felt unbearable and really painful. I am 30, and I met my ex when I was a teenager, half my life ago, at 15. He really could pull at my heart strings if I let him. I do not allow it. There have been so many nights (mainly when I am alone) that I feel the need to call him and yell and scream, or call him and make sure he is okay, oddly enough. There is just so much unfinished business with him. I left him the day I met his girlfriend. I moved out on my own, and ignored every attempt he made to contact me for a year. I started dating again in December (seriously and openly in the world.) I knew he was devastated , because everyone just HAD to tell me. That is when he finally stopped calling and texting. After a year apart and after he found out I was dating. I think he always thought I would come home, until he realized I was moving on and happy. I

 

I found myself wanting to apologize for leaving him and not trying to forgive him a little harder. I found I was feeling very guilty and I opened my account here. I literally gave up, walked out and never spoke to him again. Do I respect my decision most of the time? Absolutely. He cheated on me after almost a decade together, 3 months to our wedding day, while we were trying for a baby. The guy is a god damn moron! You are damn right I made the right choice. I know this. Rationally. Unfortunately, we aren't always rational. Lol. I realized contacting him was probably the worst thing I could do for both of us. It was MY guilt, MY issues, MY feelings, MY PROBLEM! Calling him to apologize would set him back immensely and all I would be doing is feeding my own ego anyway. All I would be doing is saying sorry, that I am not over things, that we have unfinished business, but that I do not want to be with him. It would all but confuse him. It confuses me! Lol. Long story short, no contact is good.

 

I am dating a great guy, and I would be quite upset if he were to no longer be a part of my life. This relationship means a lot to me, and he has been wonderful. I should not feel guilty for being happy, and embracing what I do have now. I wasn't the one who stole my future. At this point in my life, I have chosen to focus on what I do have and not what I do not have. No matter what, I will never be able to get the ex back, I once was with. We are both different people because of this. It would not only hurt my ex, but it would hurt me, and it would also hurt my boyfriend if I were to make contact. I care a lot about him, and there is no reason to be in contact with someone I don't want, when I have a really special thing in front of me.

 

I do not understand dragging your heart through this. I believe you should go no contact for your own sake. My ex has, finally, and I truly hope he is doing better. I really do. I know he probably isn't, but hey. I know I am not making his life worse, by telling him whats really going on in my head. I come here for a reason.

 

thanks for this... im half a decade younger than you but you give me hope.

 

she cheated and left me, so our circumstances are a bit different. i hope you do well in your recovery.

 

i hope my ex did not succumb to the other guys constant contact and pressure to take him back. she needs time to figure her stuff out, as she has significant residual feeling from not grieving our relationship and just cheating into a new one.. i still care for her and wish ehr well

[dreamingoftigers]

thanks for this... im half a decade younger than you but you give me hope.

 

she cheated and left me, so our circumstances are a bit different. i hope you do well in your recovery.

 

i hope my ex did not succumb to the other guys constant contact and pressure to take him back. she needs time to figure her stuff out, as she has significant residual feeling from not grieving our relationship and just cheating into a new one.. i still care for her and wish ehr well

 

And what do you need?

And what do you want for yourself?

[leesc90]

And what do you need?

And what do you want for yourself?

 

thats a great question to raise...

 

i guess personally, i need to heal. to get over the betrayal and hurt of my heart.

then i want for myself to find someone who is amazing; someone i adore as much as my ex atleast & truly loves me and would never leave me. or lie to me.

[Trimmer]

the words of hers that keep resounding in my head are that she knows she'll never stop loving me and that she doesn't want to live her life without me in it.

Look man, these words are the empty shxt that people tell each other to try to "let you down easy". They are cheap and easy to say, and they are especially tempting, because you are so weak that you grasp to them and they give you hope, which gives cover to your girlfriend, so she can go make her escape without having to deal with you honestly.

 

These are just words, and everybody says some kind of empty, meaningless words like this when they are dumping someone. I know you probably desperately wanted to believe that this was something special and hopeful to hang on to, but you just got the standard script.

 

yeah, i am in no contact..

 

i know today she has been hit up by the other guy like crazy.. hes probably surprising her at her house now. whereas i choose to be silent and let her have her space.

I'm going to get out my 2x4 and whack you upside-da-head again here. If you "know today she has been hit up by the other guy like crazy", then you are not NC, are you? Fess up: how do you "know" this?

 

NC is for your own head and health, so any kind of information gathering breaks NC. Don't drive by her house, don't ask mutual friends - don't even let mutual friends tell you anything. Just tell them that subject needs to be off-limits, and if they really are friends, they will understand and respect that.

 

Take control, dammit! You don't wait for her to decide, because you have decided. It doesn't matter what she is doing or thinking, because you have decided. You don't say you're in NC and then surreptitiously look at her Facebook, or ask someone about her, or drive by her house, because you have decided.

 

You defriend, you unfollow, you block, block, block, block, and if she gets through somewhere, and a bell rings, or your phone beeps, or whatever, you don't answer or engage in any way. You don't even hear her out, because you have decided. Am I making this clear enough? There is no "what if she...?" because the standard of action here is BLOCK, IGNORE, DO NOT ENGAGE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.

Edited July 26, 2014 by Trimmer

[Itspointless]

i guess personally, i need to heal. to get over the betrayal and hurt of my heart.

then i want for myself to find someone who is amazing; someone i adore as much as my ex atleast & truly loves me and would never leave me. or lie to me.

The fact that you immediately begin thinking about finding someone else after healing confirms for me that you probably have trouble being alone just like your ex. Work on yourself, become more secure and learn to be alone.

I'm going to get out my 2x4 and whack you upside-da-head again here. If you "know today she has been hit up by the other guy like crazy", then you are not NC, are you? Fess up: how do you "know" this?

He doesn't know, he is guessing. He knows the pattern, hence the word probably.

[Bumpin in My Trunk]

The fact that you immediately begin thinking about finding someone else after healing confirms for me that you probably have trouble being alone just like your ex. Work on yourself, become more secure and learn to be alone.

 

He doesn't know, he is guessing. He knows the pattern, hence the word probably.

 

Judging by his past behavior i think it is likely he broke NC. At least i can admit i broke nc and it went bad for me. literally back to step one because i wasnt strong enough to ignore. But i hope this all pans out well for him. and by well i mean he heals and finds someone better

[leesc90]

I didn't break nc, I just know so based on his character. he's showed up everyday at her house, and she gave him hope by telling him that she and I are no longer dating (although it was 2days long). it is an assumption I know to be a fact.

 

I will not contact her under any circumstances, I don't believe she will contact me anymore. If she does it will be so hard. but my mind is set not to reply.

 

I know this is redundant but.. why am I ignoring her again? sorry for having a weak morning..

Edited July 26, 2014 by leesc90

[beach]

I didn't break nc, I just know so based on his character. he's showed up everyday at her house, and she gave him hope by telling him that she and I are no longer dating (although it was 2days long). it is an assumption I know to be a fact.

 

I will not contact her under any circumstances, I don't believe she will contact me anymore. If she does it will be so hard. but my mind is set not to reply.

 

I know this is redundant but.. why am I ignoring her again? sorry for having a weak morning..

 

You are ignoring her because she's a cheater who doesn't make you her top priority.

 

There's no reason to give her any thought or energy when she's doesn't have you at the top of her interest list.

 

Make room for a gal who makes time and energy for you.

 

Contacting her is only handing her all your power.

 

Never settle - you deserve the best!

[CarrieT]

I didn't break nc, I just know so based on his character. he's showed up everyday at her house, and she gave him hope by telling him that she and I are no longer dating (although it was 2days long). it is an assumption I know to be a fact.

HOW do you know this is a fact?

 

HOW do you know he's showed up everyday at her house?

 

HOW do you know she told him certain things?

 

It is important for us to be able to help you by assisting us with this information...

[leesc90]

HOW do you know this is a fact?

 

HOW do you know he's showed up everyday at her house?

 

HOW do you know she told him certain things?

 

It is important for us to be able to help you by assisting us with this information...

 

this is all conversation we had during the last time when we spoke. when she told me she was taking time off from EVERYTHING.

[CarrieT]

this is all conversation we had during the last time when we spoke. when she told me she was taking time off from EVERYTHING.

 

Okay, but that was two days ago. So stop festering on what is now old information.

 

Look towards the future and not dwelling on the past.

[leesc90]

yeap.. i just reread this whole thread. im a damn fool. you ALL were right.

 

im getting a new bike, picking up my love for mma, aiming for valedictorian in lawschool, landing a sweet job at a big firm, and just having fun. to hell with this woman who did me so dirty... beyond dirty. filthy. im such a tool. the things we do for love.

 

and i probably will recant this all in my head within a few minutes/hours, and want her back. because i am utteerly delusional. but atleast i know i am.

Edited July 26, 2014 by leesc90

[ThorntonMelon]

No one is telling you to NOT want her back.

 

What we are saying is to focus on what you NEED not want to be happy. And try and make decisions that will bring you in that direction. You're ignoring her because if you pay attention to her it will hurt you and take you further away from being happy.

 

I highly, highly recommend finding a therapist you are comfortable with and working through these things.

[ThorntonMelon]

That said, leesc, you're probably my new favorite person on these boards and I'm rooting for you. You have a very nice way about you; it's why you're being treated like a doormat but it's what is going to bring you a great girl someday.

[hoping2heal]

yeap.. i just reread this whole thread. im a damn fool. you ALL were right.

 

im getting a new bike, picking up my love for mma, aiming for valedictorian in lawschool, landing a sweet job at a big firm, and just having fun. to hell with this woman who did me so dirty... beyond dirty. filthy. im such a tool. the things we do for love.

and i probably will recant this all in my head within a few minutes/hours, and want her back. because i am utteerly delusional. but atleast i know i am.

 

:lmao:

 

You're probably right - but that's okay! The up and down is normal. You have moments of clarity and wanting more...and then you get cloudy again and emotion takes over and overrides brain. It happens, it's going to be happen, and your best defense (imho) is not trying to make it not happen but be aware of it and ride it out without following it.

 

Too much energy gets wasted I think when people "Try" to just up and be over an ex. No matter how dirty do they do ya,you will want them back until you've healed up.

 

I don't think people should focus so much on being "over" the feelings (they take time to process and resolve and no, it doesn't happen in a day or a week or a month (most the time at least).

 

I mean who is anyone kidding? The feelings just don't go away right off the bat OR because your ex is a douche supreme or bitch-o-rama.

 

I think its more productive to focus on "Okay,so this is how I feel right now but this is WHY I can't give into how I'm feeling". In your case, the why being your ex is an emotional terror in high heels.

[leesc90]

That said, leesc, you're probably my new favorite person on these boards and I'm rooting for you. You have a very nice way about you; it's why you're being treated like a doormat but it's what is going to bring you a great girl someday.

 

thank you for this.. i feel ive just been emotional, neurotic, and a shell of myself on these boards. but that is enouraging. i hope it does.

 

:lmao:

 

You're probably right - but that's okay! The up and down is normal. You have moments of clarity and wanting more...and then you get cloudy again and emotion takes over and overrides brain. It happens, it's going to be happen, and your best defense (imho) is not trying to make it not happen but be aware of it and ride it out without following it.

 

Too much energy gets wasted I think when people "Try" to just up and be over an ex. No matter how dirty do they do ya,you will want them back until you've healed up.

 

I don't think people should focus so much on being "over" the feelings (they take time to process and resolve and no, it doesn't happen in a day or a week or a month (most the time at least).

 

I mean who is anyone kidding? The feelings just don't go away right off the bat OR because your ex is a douche supreme or bitch-o-rama.

 

I think its more productive to focus on "Okay,so this is how I feel right now but this is WHY I can't give into how I'm feeling". In your case, the why being your ex is an emotional terror in high heels.

 

yeah.. ive just been grieving at home the past few days.. eating a lot of chocolates, watching many movies, and ust getting my insides improved.

 

my ex hasnt told me her decision, but in my heart it is made..

[BC1980]

my ex hasnt told me her decision, but in my heart it is made..

 

YOU make the decision. You can make the choice to move on and get off of this merry go round. It's very short sighted to stay in limbo when you could begin making progress in a different direction. You have basically let her render you powerless. I know it's tough, but can all the shots here.

[hoping2heal]

thank you for this.. i feel ive just been emotional, neurotic, and a shell of myself on these boards. but that is enouraging. i hope it does.

 

 

 

yeah.. ive just been grieving at home the past few days.. eating a lot of chocolates, watching many movies, and ust getting my insides improved.

 

my ex hasnt told me her decision, but in my heart it is made..

 

How does one improve their insides? I've just finished my summer classes and I swear I've wrecked my insides in the last week with all of the coffees I've had

 

Maybe you mean emotional insides?

 

What movies you been watching? What kind of chocolates you been eating?