Dumper came back, but is choosing between me and new man

[SoThatHappened]

What BC1980 said above. Every sentence.

 

The dumpee wants the dumper to realize they made a mistake. She probably will realize that, but don't sit around waiting for that to happen. Do whatever you can to be a ghost when and if she does realize that.

 

She's not a good person. Don't let her come back into your life.

 

It's going to hard for you the next few weeks... not gonna lie. But don't allow her to keep opening this wound. Let it start healing.

 

Remember, you're now a ghost to her.

 

Go do anything and everything possible with friends. Keep as busy as possible.

[Itspointless]

summer finn is a huge b--ch lol. i just remind myself of JGL in how i approach my ex. she is insanely pretty & as she was my friend for a very long time. almost every guy friend we've had has been interested in her.

I have to admit that I have never seen the movie. But I do understand that JGL is a bit anxious (read unsecure attached). As a bit anxious myself we can shake hands. Attachment theory and that book I wrote about can give you a startingpoint to start your own journey to a more secure you.

 

I really recommend you to work on yourself and find out where and why this behaviour started so that you can work on it. You can start with the above and than find guidance with a therapist.

[leesc90]

yeah, i plan to soon. im very swamped with readings for the beginning of the semester, but i know ill have some time easing up soon. plus im on these forums and other articles about relationships like its my fulltime overtime job lol.

 

i just wish... she wasnt so perfect in my eyes. yeah i know what she did was borderline heinous and from the pits of hell, but so many of her good qualities are just trumping everything.

 

its not like i cant find another woman.. ive been on so many dates, theyre just not the same as my childhood best friend ---> girlfriend that ive always had a thing for

[Itspointless]

Life can be very busy and demanding sometimes.

 

I understand what you say, detaching is hard and it takes time. It really blows and I am really sorry for you as I know how it feels. But it is really for the best. At some point life will be better again, but you have to go through this now.

[BC1980]

yeah, i plan to soon. im very swamped with readings for the beginning of the semester, but i know ill have some time easing up soon. plus im on these forums and other articles about relationships like its my fulltime overtime job lol.

 

i just wish... she wasnt so perfect in my eyes. yeah i know what she did was borderline heinous and from the pits of hell, but so many of her good qualities are just trumping everything.

 

its not like i cant find another woman.. ive been on so many dates, theyre just not the same as my childhood best friend ---> girlfriend that ive always had a thing for

 

When someone dumps you, they automatically become worth much more than they were previously. Just human nature to feel that way. Probably because the person now becomes difficult to attain, so we assign them a greater value, but it would be nice if your heart could understand that. It takes awhile for the heart to catch up to the head. The process sucks, but the only choice you have is to move on without her. You only hurt yourself by staying stuck, so don't let her do that to you.

[leesc90]

the urge to want to contact her and see if she is with him again grows everyday.

 

I know I shouldn't and I've decided on my own but I can't help but feel this way. if I knew they were together again it's make moving on a lot easier

[CarrieT]

if I knew they were together again it's make moving on a lot easier

You already said you know they are together because she told you so.

 

And it shouldn't matter. If not him, than it WILL be someone else and not you.

[dumbass2]

the urge to want to contact her and see if she is with him again grows everyday.

 

I know I shouldn't and I've decided on my own but I can't help but feel this way. if I knew they were together again it's make moving on a lot easier

 

They are together again. Right now as you type here on this board she is in his arms. Now keep telling your self this. You know deep inside that is probably the case.

[leesc90]

her last words to me were taut she'll find a way to get him to leave her alone. but like you guys deep down I feel she's with him. her words mean nothing and my intuition, although frequently wrong, feels like she is gone back...

 

:/

[BC1980]

her last words to me were taut she'll find a way to get him to leave her alone. but like you guys deep down I feel she's with him. her words mean nothing and my intuition, although frequently wrong, feels like she is gone back...

 

:/

 

Does it even matter if she is with him or not? She has shown, over and over, that she is unreliable and a liar. Who wants to be involved with someone like that? You would never be secure in the relationship and always wondering if she was telling the truth or not.

[leesc90]

Does it even matter if she is with him or not? She has shown, over and over, that she is unreliable and a liar. Who wants to be involved with someone like that? You would never be secure in the relationship and always wondering if she was telling the truth or not.

 

this is so true.. i needed this. thanks BC. my hand is less eager to touch the phone bc of truths like this..

[hoping2heal]

yeah, i plan to soon. im very swamped with readings for the beginning of the semester, but i know ill have some time easing up soon. plus im on these forums and other articles about relationships like its my fulltime overtime job lol.

 

i just wish... she wasnt so perfect in my eyes. yeah i know what she did was borderline heinous and from the pits of hell, but so many of her good qualities are just trumping everything.

 

its not like i cant find another woman.. ive been on so many dates, theyre just not the same as my childhood best friend ---> girlfriend that ive always had a thing for

 

Actually,

 

Her good qualities aren't trumping the bad ones. She's not with you because in her moment of "bad qualities" she met and fell for another man. So, now here you are going through all of this. Wouldn't say the good trumps the bad at all, the bad has left you with nothing but a broken heart.

 

I get that you still care for her - just don't romanticize her unrealistically.

 

Also,an FYI - if you want to depress the hell out yourself going on dates with new people is almost always a sure fire way to do it. You're not ready to move on, which leads to what is akin to "convincing" you that there will be no one else.

 

Please, don't do that to yourself.

[leesc90]

Actually,

 

Her good qualities aren't trumping the bad ones. She's not with you because in her moment of "bad qualities" she met and fell for another man. So, now here you are going through all of this. Wouldn't say the good trumps the bad at all, the bad has left you with nothing but a broken heart.

 

I get that you still care for her - just don't romanticize her unrealistically.

 

Also,an FYI - if you want to depress the hell out yourself going on dates with new people is almost always a sure fire way to do it. You're not ready to move on, which leads to what is akin to "convincing" you that there will be no one else.

 

Please, don't do that to yourself.

 

its so hard not to feel inferior to the other man..

 

he might be better looking than me, but i wouldnt say by all that much.

 

im having a rough time tonight. sticking to my guns.

[hoping2heal]

its so hard not to feel inferior to the other man..

 

he might be better looking than me, but i wouldnt say by all that much.

 

im having a rough time tonight. sticking to my guns.

 

 

Yeah, that's probably it. It can't be that your girlfriend is an untrustworthy and dis-loyal liar.

 

If only you were just 2 hairs better looking....what could have been...

 

(Don't let my sarcasm fool you, I like you kid)

[Trimmer]

Does it even matter if she is with him or not? She has shown, over and over, that she is unreliable and a liar. Who wants to be involved with someone like that? You would never be secure in the relationship and always wondering if she was telling the truth or not.

I think you need to blow this up, set it to large-font bold italic, and post it on your refrigerator.

 

Currently, you are counting on 'knowing she is with him' to help you stay disconnected. In other words, you are counting on her unavailability to protect you. (" if I knew they were together again it's make moving on a lot easier ")

 

This takes your power and your recovery progress, and makes them dependent upon things outside of your knowledge and control. Stop being a masochist. I know the tendency from personal experience, and you need to work on stopping this.

 

It also leaves you vulnerable to the possibility that she will have another one of her 5-minute changes of heart, and will try to come back to you with a lovey-dovey story that will make you think "she is available!" for some amount of time, before she once again pulls the football away and you end up on your back, in pain once again.

 

The reason you have decided not to be with her is not because she is not available, or because she might do this again - the reason is that she has already done it in the past, and that makes her a person you don't want to be with any more.

 

You need to disconnect from her, not because she is unavailable, but because you realize she is not the right person for you. So this way, you don't have to wonder what they're doing, whether they're together, how much they are smooching or cuddling or schtupping... That doesn't matter, because it's not her unavailability that makes her the wrong person for you, it's who she is and what she has done and how she has behaved.

 

Starting to put this philosophy into practice will eventually render such questions irrelevant. It won't matter "what if she thinks about me?" It won't matter "what if she still loves me?" It won't matter "what if she decides she really doesn't want him?"

 

You've already made your decision; you've already taken control; you have the power. Don't give it away; don't be a masochist.

[leesc90]

I think you need to blow this up, set it to large-font bold italic, and post it on your refrigerator.

 

Currently, you are counting on 'knowing she is with him' to help you stay disconnected. In other words, you are counting on her unavailability to protect you. (" if I knew they were together again it's make moving on a lot easier ")

 

This takes your power and your recovery progress, and makes them dependent upon things outside of your knowledge and control. Stop being a masochist. I know the tendency from personal experience, and you need to work on stopping this.

 

It also leaves you vulnerable to the possibility that she will have another one of her 5-minute changes of heart, and will try to come back to you with a lovey-dovey story that will make you think "she is available!" for some amount of time, before she once again pulls the football away and you end up on your back, in pain once again.

 

The reason you have decided not to be with her is not because she is not available, or because she might do this again - the reason is that she has already done it in the past, and that makes her a person you don't want to be with any more.

 

You need to disconnect from her, not because she is unavailable, but because you realize she is not the right person for you. So this way, you don't have to wonder what they're doing, whether they're together, how much they are smooching or cuddling or schtupping... That doesn't matter, because it's not her unavailability that makes her the wrong person for you, it's who she is and what she has done and how she has behaved.

 

Starting to put this philosophy into practice will eventually render such questions irrelevant. It won't matter "what if she thinks about me?" It won't matter "what if she still loves me?" It won't matter "what if she decides she really doesn't want him?"

 

You've already made your decision; you've already taken control; you have the power. Don't give it away; don't be a masochist.

 

thanks for this trimmer.

 

i just have this idea in my head. that although she cheated, and did all these things, that she'll have this realization of things (how much she screwed up, how much i mean to her) and then be the woman that shes capable of being.

 

is this an irrational thought? its what holds me onto the hope that one day she'll go back to the girl she once was for years while we lived together.

 

regardless.. i ascribe to that idea that she is someone else at the moment, and i cannot anticipate events of the future.. i just go with what is true today.

[Zahara]

i just have this idea in my head. that although she cheated, and did all these things, that she'll have this realization of things (how much she screwed up, how much i mean to her) and then be the woman that shes capable of being.

 

This is you projecting your hopefullness so that you can at least cling to something to avoid the reality and the finality of it.

 

is this an irrational thought? its what holds me onto the hope that one day she'll go back to the girl she once was for years while we lived together.

 

Yes, it is irrational. When you are emotional, you come up with all sorts of scenarios in your head to remain in denial.

 

regardless.. i ascribe to that idea that she is someone else at the moment, and i cannot anticipate events of the future.. i just go with what is true today.

 

Yes, go with the now. In time when you aren't in an emotional cloud, you'll see things differently.

[leesc90]

i mean i do think that some people do have these epiphanies and that the wrong choice was made. its definitely a possibiltiy, but i think these cases are few and far between. i cant base any kind of action or inaction on such.

 

most of my friends and family all hate her now. i didnt want to tell them what happened so they could keep respect for her, but i ended up telling them. i guess tahts a big no too.

 

NC day 4..

[Itspointless]

i mean i do think that some people do have these epiphanies and that the wrong choice was made. its definitely a possibiltiy, but i think these cases are few and far between. i cant base any kind of action or inaction on such.

 

most of my friends and family all hate her now. i didnt want to tell them what happened so they could keep respect for her, but i ended up telling them. i guess tahts a big no too.

 

NC day 4..

Even if she had a epiphany. Look at what she has put you through. Imagine her doing this again after a few (or many) years when you have children. You should read some threads in the 'Separation and Divorce' section, those will heal you from these thoughts.

[leesc90]

i dont know why i have such a strong urge to break NC today.. dammit its only been 4 days. im used to going weeks without saying anything

[SoThatHappened]

You're doing the right thing by posting here instead of contacting her. Just keep doing that. This thread may reach 100 pages if it has to

[hoping2heal]

i dont know why i have such a strong urge to break NC today.. dammit its only been 4 days. im used to going weeks without saying anything

 

Because being powerless sucks. It's a horrible, disorienting feeling.

 

Being dumped puts us in the position where we have this massive, gaping,emotional wound and guess what? Cannot do a thing about it. We can't stop the person who leaves us from going,we can't make them fall in love with us if they no longer do. I think we're inherent survivors and problem solvers. Being dumped is a problem we can't solve. We have literally no control.

 

Breaking NC gives us the illusion of control. That somehow there is some action within our power that will change the dumpees mind, or alter the course of events. And sometimes, it does work. But, look ahead to the future and it often isn't so bright except for rarity case.

 

And this childhood friend who you've always a thing for, is the one inflicting it upon you and in one of the worst ways possible,no less.

Edited July 28, 2014 by hoping2heal

[leesc90]

thanks guys.. i almost broke NC today, idk why i was being so weak. but luckily i had some friends come over unexpectedly and kept me occupied the rest of the night.

 

i just feel like theres something i can/should be doing..

[hoping2heal]

thanks guys.. i almost broke NC today, idk why i was being so weak. but luckily i had some friends come over unexpectedly and kept me occupied the rest of the night.

 

i just feel like theres something i can/should be doing..

 

With regards to what?

[Itspointless]

Some things in life we have to sit out. Sorry.