Dumper came back, but is choosing between me and new man

[Simon Phoenix]

thanks guys.. i almost broke NC today, idk why i was being so weak. but luckily i had some friends come over unexpectedly and kept me occupied the rest of the night.

 

i just feel like theres something i can/should be doing..

 

You just have to ride it out, which means doing nothing. No Contact is hard for you right now because you've cut corners every time. The more you cave, the harder it is to do it. But you just have to do it. I know that's not what you want to hear, but you have to tough it out.

[Trimmer]

thanks guys.. i almost broke NC today, idk why i was being so weak. but luckily i had some friends come over unexpectedly and kept me occupied the rest of the night.

 

i just feel like theres something i can/should be doing..

What you should be "doing" is absolutely nothing with respect to your ex and her new boyfriend, and absolutely something with respect to your own life.

 

Sitting around doing nothing, waiting to feel better, or for something to happen with your ex (even if you are in NC, you know you'd love to hear something, or find something out, right?) only puts the focus in the past, on her, and forfeits the power to live in the present and move into the future.

 

Your focus needs to be in the present and the future. Do you see what happened when your friends came over? Hey - you had a life, because you were living in the present! Make that kind of stuff happen - do something with your life, and move yourself forward. Find a way to do those kinds of things. Reach out to folks to socialize, initiate some things, if you need to.

 

Don't wait for your life to happen to you, like you're watching a TV show. You are the writer and producer - move your plot forward. And no reruns!

[leesc90]

so i think for my own sense of closure, i'm closing the door for me and my ex. i need to physically delete every mode of communication, call it off, and tell her (as a symbolic gesture not to break NC) that i just dont want in on this running. that i appreciate that she still has some feelings for me (even though i question that) and that i wish her well with her new man. and that i cant recover from this and that we should both just stop wondering maybe or what if later, and just be done with it. its done. i'm respecting myself more than i am you, and we may regret this but its my decision and its final. its the closure i need.

Edited July 29, 2014 by leesc90

[BigGirlPantiesOn]

thanks guys.. i almost broke NC today, idk why i was being so weak. but luckily i had some friends come over unexpectedly and kept me occupied the rest of the night.

 

i just feel like theres something i can/should be doing..

 

Because you "think" you have power to "convince" her to be, feel, act as you would like...

 

It's called denial.

[SoThatHappened]

so i think for my own sense of closure, i'm closing the door for me and my ex. i need to physically delete every mode of communication, call it off, and tell her (as a symbolic gesture not to break NC) that i just dont want in on this running. that i appreciate that she still has some feelings for me (even though i question that) and that i wish her well with her new man. and that i cant recover from this and that we should both just stop wondering maybe or what if later, and just be done with it. its done. i'm respecting myself more than i am you, and we may regret this but its my decision and its final. its the closure i need.

 

What would be even better than your "symbolic gesture" is to become a complete ghost.

 

Want to get to her? That's how you do it by disappearing.

 

Contacting someone to tell them you're not going to contact them anymore? That's as transparent as glass.

 

You don't exist anymore, remember?!

[Zahara]

so i think for my own sense of closure, i'm closing the door for me and my ex. i need to physically delete every mode of communication, call it off, and tell her (as a symbolic gesture not to break NC) that i just dont want in on this running. that i appreciate that she still has some feelings for me (even though i question that) and that i wish her well with her new man. and that i cant recover from this and that we should both just stop wondering maybe or what if later, and just be done with it. its done. i'm respecting myself more than i am you, and we may regret this but its my decision and its final. its the closure i need.

 

No, it's another excuse you've created in your mind to make contact. This isn't something that is unique to a dumpee because I've done it too. That last ditch effort, in the guise of "closure" to hopefully say something that may provoke a response that may be in our favor. Maybe if I tell her/him that I am completely done, she'll panic/react and I'll get the response I need.

 

Even now, after uttering the words that you now question her feelings for you, that you wish her well with her new man, that still isn't enough for you to just disappear -- NO, you have to make an annoucement. For god's sake, the closure you need is that she's with another man and she hasn't chosen you.

 

Once and for all, be done. Enough of finding ways to make contact.

[hoping2heal]

so i think for my own sense of closure, i'm closing the door for me and my ex. i need to physically delete every mode of communication, call it off, and tell her (as a symbolic gesture not to break NC) that i just dont want in on this running. that i appreciate that she still has some feelings for me (even though i question that) and that i wish her well with her new man. and that i cant recover from this and that we should both just stop wondering maybe or what if later, and just be done with it. its done. i'm respecting myself more than i am you, and we may regret this but its my decision and its final. its the closure i need.

 

You don't need to say those words for her, because your silence tells her exactly that but in a much more effective way than words ever will.

 

Don't kid yourself, you're looking for an excuse to make contact (as others have said). Which, considering her pattern the last few weeks is going to result in what? Her panicking again briefly at the thought of being without her life preserver and pulling you back in just long enough to ensure she still has you where she needs you while she's with this guy?

 

Or, maybe she'll be decent enough for a change to let you go and stop her bull**** . I still don't think it's a good idea though and will set you back but you're going to do what you're going to do. Just be honest with yourself about your motives.

[BC1980]

so i think for my own sense of closure, i'm closing the door for me and my ex. i need to physically delete every mode of communication, call it off, and tell her (as a symbolic gesture not to break NC) that i just dont want in on this running. that i appreciate that she still has some feelings for me (even though i question that) and that i wish her well with her new man. and that i cant recover from this and that we should both just stop wondering maybe or what if later, and just be done with it. its done. i'm respecting myself more than i am you, and we may regret this but its my decision and its final. its the closure i need.

 

You're going to feel even more hurt if you do this because she will reject you yet again. You want to contact her as an ultimatum. You think that if you tell her it's final, it might provoke her into a reaction to want you back. Been there and done that. It doesn't work and likely pushes the person further away. I tried this with my recent ex. I was so mad at him that I told them it was final and never to contact me again. He said he understood and way sorry it turned out that way. Heck, that hurt even worse than the actual breakup.

 

Just don't contact her. It's madness. She has already made her decision anyway.

[beach]

so i think for my own sense of closure, i'm closing the door for me and my ex. i need to physically delete every mode of communication, call it off, and tell her (as a symbolic gesture not to break NC) that i just dont want in on this running. that i appreciate that she still has some feelings for me (even though i question that) and that i wish her well with her new man. and that i cant recover from this and that we should both just stop wondering maybe or what if later, and just be done with it. its done. i'm respecting myself more than i am you, and we may regret this but its my decision and its final. its the closure i need.

 

You can do that for yourself. But there's really no need to tell her. Your actions will allow her to understand better than any words you may speak.

 

 

Just never communicating with her again will help her understand you are finished waiting for her decision.

 

No woman that REALLY love you and only you acts the way she's acted.

[Simon Phoenix]

so i think for my own sense of closure, i'm closing the door for me and my ex. i need to physically delete every mode of communication, call it off, and tell her (as a symbolic gesture not to break NC) that i just dont want in on this running. that i appreciate that she still has some feelings for me (even though i question that) and that i wish her well with her new man. and that i cant recover from this and that we should both just stop wondering maybe or what if later, and just be done with it. its done. i'm respecting myself more than i am you, and we may regret this but its my decision and its final. its the closure i need.

 

Why do you have this obsession on making these declarative "final" statements that aren't final? Just do NOTHING! Say NOTHING! I don't get why you are unable to grasp this simple concept that has been advised to you ad nauseum for 23 pages. You might be one of the more obtusely stubborn dumpees on this website.

 

Stop with the grand gesture/final statement stuff. Just do nothing. Please.

[leesc90]

i didnt contact her. im dying to, but i will the advice of others and not ask. i was talking to a friend who was talking me out of it just now. it helped.

 

i also found out that she is not seeing him, she misses me, and that she is indeed alone just enjoying singledom. that made me want to contact her more, but i will not break NC. im not ready to talk to her, ill seem needy. it wont go well..

 

crisis aborted. in the future i will ask my friends to not tell me anything about her to even better results.

[BC1980]

i didnt contact her. im dying to, but i will the advice of others and not ask. i was talking to a friend who was talking me out of it just now. it helped.

 

i also found out that she is not seeing him, she misses me, and that she is indeed alone just enjoying singledom. that made me want to contact her more, but i will not break NC. im not ready to talk to her, ill seem needy. it wont go well..

 

crisis aborted. in the future i will ask my friends to not tell me anything about her to even better results.

 

Your friends don't need to be feeding you information about her. The more you know the more relevant she is to your life, and the goal is for her to fade away permanently.

[beach]

Her not making a decision is a decision.

 

Just know it's over - done - ended.

 

And move forward for yourself!

[7yearsbroken]

I understand your pain. Darn it I wonder what's she's up to everyday. But she left when she had GIGS. She dumped me. Our long and hard fought relationship was over.. Distance, my problems, her problems.. I'm seeing the true meaning of it all.

 

She is out there and it wasn't enough lee, maybe she might come back but really.. Look deep and hard to why I didn't work. Fix yourself to be that happy guy she once loved, see someone else and then check on things when you can truly so if it can't be salvaged you won't care if she rejects you..

 

I'm here going through the same thing buddy NC is showing me she never really cared to contact me to check on me and ask for forgiveness, kind of hard to do that when she's over me, right? She hasn't called so I assume she's with someone or is over me. I know if we talk no ill just be bitter. I still haven't dated after a year, still haven't got over her but most importantly still haven't figured out how to find my own peace. It's bad, but I'm working on it.

 

My advice lee is to find your pride as a man. Stand up and make her realize what a great thing she has lost. I'm sure when you get your pride back you will be happy again your confidence will attract so many options she won't cross your mind. Something tells me that the dumper has already realized this fact long before we did. They have had a chance to have fun at least, even if it did or didn't last.

[hoping2heal]

i didnt contact her. im dying to, but i will the advice of others and not ask. i was talking to a friend who was talking me out of it just now. it helped.

 

i also found out that she is not seeing him, she misses me, and that she is indeed alone just enjoying singledom. that made me want to contact her more, but i will not break NC. im not ready to talk to her, ill seem needy. it wont go well..

 

crisis aborted. in the future i will ask my friends to not tell me anything about her to even better results.

 

Did you hear from her first hand that she isn't seeing him, misses you, is alone, and just enjoying being single?

 

Because...

 

she thinks you're hanging on the branch for her, so if she really decided she made a mistake and wanted to be with you, she wouldn't be out missing you but enjoying "singledom".

 

There's conflicting info in the story is all. Just wondering where you heard it and how accurate it is.

 

Either way, she's not with him and she still isn't choosing you. Which pretty much confirms what everyone else has been thinking all along.

[SoThatHappened]

Maybe look on a bright side, leesc... you're probably on her mind more NOW than you were a week ago just because you've stopped talking/texting/everything.

 

Each day of NC on your end makes her that much more curious. The question is, can you keep it up long enough to be indifferent before screwing up again?

[Itspointless]

It is time to boost your ego not hers.

[leesc90]

yeah..

 

so the same friend told me he had to get something off his chest. he said he saw them tonight out eating dinner. the lies never end.

 

im glad I didn't break nc, this woman is pure evil. she promised so many things but she's off doing this when she said she needed space. I hate women.. It makes me so angry and sad

[hoping2heal]

yeah..

 

so the same friend told me he had to get something off his chest. he said he saw them tonight out eating dinner. the lies never end.

 

im glad I didn't break nc, this woman is pure evil. she promised so many things but she's off doing this when she said she needed space. I hate women.. It makes me so angry and sad

 

Hey! I'm a woman

 

There was another poster here today who had the unfortunate "brush with truth" I will call it. It's painful I know, but I will tell you what I told the other guy. This is a blessing in disguise because it's forcing you to face the truth about who she is. As I said many posts ago, she lied to you for 5 months...what's one more lie for her to tell at this point (on her end)?

 

Aren't you glad you didn't break NC for that wicked wench of Eastwick?

 

Forget about being inferior to the other guy, it isn't her doing better than "you" it is YOU who can do so much better than her!

[Simon Phoenix]

yeah..

 

so the same friend told me he had to get something off his chest. he said he saw them tonight out eating dinner. the lies never end.

 

im glad I didn't break nc, this woman is pure evil. she promised so many things but she's off doing this when she said she needed space. I hate women.. It makes me so angry and sad

 

Don't judge all women by this one. And now that you got this update, you need to tell your friends to stop updating you on this stuff.

[Trimmer]

yeah..

 

so the same friend told me he had to get something off his chest. he said he saw them tonight out eating dinner. the lies never end.

 

im glad I didn't break nc, this woman is pure evil. she promised so many things but she's off doing this when she said she needed space. I hate women.. It makes me so angry and sad

So wait a minute... did the friend lie to you originally, trying to make you feel better by telling you she wasn't with him any more, and then the "get it off his chest" thing was coming clean about that?

 

And c'mon - ease up with the "I hate women" thing. You seem like a better person than that, and I have to believe you are smart enough to see that for what it is.

 

I'll post more later, but my general point is: stop thinking about "maybe she's doing this, maybe she's thinking that, maybe they're together, maybe they're apart, maybe she will become everything she could be, maybe she's evil..."

 

She is a separate, independent person, and you are no longer connected. It's not protective to think "Maybe they're together" because then if you come to believe they aren't any more, you'll get sucked back in. It's not helpful to think "maybe she's spending time alone" because then if you come to believe that she's with him again, you'll see her as an evil liar. It's not protective to think "maybe she thinks about me" because then any slightest hint of contact from her will drag you back in.

 

The only way out is to not concern yourself with her, to acknowledge and work on separating yourself from your connection with her ONCE AND FOR ALL, and to commit to making that separation YOUR decision, not hers. Her decision doesn't matter any more. Her thoughts don't matter any more. What she is doing, and where she is doing it, and with whom, don't matter any more. She needs to become neutral and irrelevant.

[leesc90]

UPDATE:

 

so guys... tonight marked a big night for the status of this situation.

i broke NC. i weighed the costs and i did it for me. i called her, she was very unwilling to talk. i told her i knew about how she went out to dinnner with him; she insists it was a conversation about her asking for space (who does that over dinner right?)

 

anyways. so i was upset, and i said this all has been really draining for me. i dont konw why you do what you do. she said, im gonna make this really easy for us. there is no more us, you are my past now. you dont mean anything to me, and im not gonna regret this. i dont want to date you, and i dont think we can be friends, so im deleting your number and we can just let it be at that.

 

i was really sad because i could tell she wasnt just saying this in the heat of the moment.

it ate me alive, i sat around for a minute, but her constant "leee go home..' "go home" was enough to get even whats left of my dignity to say f it and get gone. i've never see someone be that big of a b***** to someone, nonetheless someone they cheated on.

 

so this is it guys. this is the straw that broke the camels back. this is the point of no return. i wish it could have been on my terms, if i listened a little bit better to you all, it could have been. but with this situation and my personality, i think it had to go this way.

 

i wonder maybe if i didnt confront her about tonight and just listened to you guys and not have had this all severed, maybe it would have worked out. but regardless, whats done is done. and this much damage is beyond repairable.

 

i feel like absolute ****, but alteast i know its done..

[hoping2heal]

UPDATE:

 

so guys... tonight marked a big night for the status of this situation.

i broke NC. i weighed the costs and i did it for me. i called her, she was very unwilling to talk. i told her i knew about how she went out to dinnner with him; she insists it was a conversation about her asking for space (who does that over dinner right?)

 

anyways. so i was upset, and i said this all has been really draining for me. i dont konw why you do what you do. she said, im gonna make this really easy for us. there is no more us, you are my past now. you dont mean anything to me, and im not gonna regret this. i dont want to date you, and i dont think we can be friends, so im deleting your number and we can just let it be at that.

 

i was really sad because i could tell she wasnt just saying this in the heat of the moment.

it ate me alive, i sat around for a minute, but her constant "leee go home..' "go home" was enough to get even whats left of my dignity to say f it and get gone. i've never see someone be that big of a b***** to someone, nonetheless someone they cheated on.

 

so this is it guys. this is the straw that broke the camels back. this is the point of no return. i wish it could have been on my terms, if i listened a little bit better to you all, it could have been. but with this situation and my personality, i think it had to go this way.

 

i wonder maybe if i didnt confront her about tonight and just listened to you guys and not have had this all severed, maybe it would have worked out. but regardless, whats done is done. and this much damage is beyond repairable.

 

i feel like absolute ****, but alteast i know its done..

 

It wouldn't have worked out Lee even if you kept NC. She didn't say what she did because you broke NC. Whoever you thought she was, she really isn't. She might have been that once upon a time, but people grow and change and you know what? It's not always for the better. Sometimes great people just become selfish (among other things). While you were NC what was she doing? Not what you THOUGHT she was doing, was she? No.

 

Seriously, she's just not a good girl. I mean, kudos for FINALLY telling you how we could all see she felt all along but damn - pretty harsh too.

 

Maybe you're right though, maybe this is what you needed - a good dose of reality - to knock it off with the excuse making and the princess on a pedastol complex you were giving her.

 

Sorry that went down so cruelly though. I've got an ice pack in the freezer.

 

:bunny::bunny: these bunnies are the equivalent of a pat on the back like "it'll be okay"

[Trimmer]

so guys... tonight marked a big night for the status of this situation.

i broke NC. i weighed the costs and i did it for me. i called her, she was very unwilling to talk. i told her i knew about how she went out to dinnner with him; she insists it was a conversation about her asking for space (who does that over dinner right?)

 

anyways. so i was upset, and i said this all has been really draining for me. i dont konw why you do what you do. she said, im gonna make this really easy for us. there is no more us, you are my past now. you dont mean anything to me, and im not gonna regret this. i dont want to date you, and i dont think we can be friends, so im deleting your number and we can just let it be at that.

 

i was really sad because i could tell she wasnt just saying this in the heat of the moment.

it ate me alive, i sat around for a minute, but her constant "leee go home..' "go home" was enough to get even whats left of my dignity to say f it and get gone. i've never see someone be that big of a b***** to someone, nonetheless someone they cheated on.

 

so this is it guys. this is the straw that broke the camels back. this is the point of no return. i wish it could have been on my terms, if i listened a little bit better to you all, it could have been. but with this situation and my personality, i think it had to go this way.

Frankly, overall I think this went quite well.

 

Now hear me out.... If she had been wishy-washy, if she had said "ummmm - I'm still deciding...", "maybe some time in the future...", "I still love you in some way..." then you would still - this minute - be twisting yourself into knots, trying to bargain your way back in, wouldn't you? And THIS was the HUGE risk you took in contacting her - it might have just kept you swinging on the hook, when it's clear to everybody but you that it was D-O-N-E... over, just like she said.

 

And frankly, although I'm sure you don't care to hear it right now, and for whatever else she has done and for however harsh your feelings are for her, it was at least humane of her to finally make it this clear and concrete. It could have been easier for her to do the "friends" thing, or she probably would have loved to get you off the phone sooner and with less weeping by LYING TO YOU and giving you some kind of hope. But you know what? She manned up and gave it to you straight. You won't feel this way now, but you may be grateful some day for her clarity in this conversation.

 

i wonder maybe if i didnt confront her about tonight and just listened to you guys and not have had this all severed, maybe it would have worked out.

OHMYGOD! If I could swear on here I would say, "Hey! Look over here motherf****r!" and when you turned toward me I would hit you in the forehead with my 2x4 again! Dude - please see: she was not "on the bubble". She was not "deciding." She was not waiting for a sign, or to be convinced. This was not a situation that could have been pushed one way or the other. It IS over now, because it HAS BEEN over. Over and done. Over and out.

 

Read up on the stages of grief, and start trying to recognize this "bargaining" that you do. It is understandable, and I'm just joking about hitting you with a 2x4, but it is irrational. You can't bring a dead person back by becoming a good human being, and you can't resuscitate a relationship that is dead and in which the other person has moved on. Any fantasy to the contrary is just more pain.

 

The status of your relationship has been out of your control for some time now. Please realize that the status of your life is still completely within your control

 

i feel like absolute ****, but alteast i know its done..

I know. I'm sorry, and I know it feels terrible, and I know that's an understatement. But - the fact that it feels worse than before probably means that you are coming to acknowledge the full truth that you were hiding from before (again, the stages of grief: "Denial").

 

Do you need further instruction as to "No Contact, block, erase, do not answer, do not drive by, start living your life looking forward?" without bobbing and weaving and making exceptions and excuses, or does it make more sense now?

Edited July 30, 2014 by Trimmer

[Simon Phoenix]

Oh boy. I wish I believed you when you said you were done, but 24 pages suggests that you'll be doing this again. Like Trimmer said, I'm glad that she actually told you to f--k off. But if six months of this crap wasn't enough to convince you that this was done, I have a feeling that you'll be doing mental gymnastics again in the near future. And if she does call or text you, I have no confidence that you have the self-control or dignity not to spiral back down into the abyss.

 

I hope to God I'm wrong, but nothing has registered for you thus far.