Dumper came back, but is choosing between me and new man

[Itspointless]

i feel like absolute ****, but alteast i know its done..

I get how you feel and am really sorry for you. But man, it almost seems like you enjoy pain as you keep going back. She said to you that you needed to be more assertive. You remind me of a person I know. If you are like him, also very stubborn, this is going to happen again with others. You seriously need professional help and I mean that in a kind way.

[hoping2heal]

I get how you feel and am really sorry for you. But man, it almost seems like you enjoy pain as you keep going back. She said to you that you needed to be more assertive. You remind me of a person I know. If you are like him, also very stubborn, this is going to happen again with others. You seriously need professional help and I mean that in a kind way.

 

In OP's defense, I don't think he likes pain or "seriously needs professional help".

 

I think his reaction and behavior was all very normal, given the situation. Yes, he was in denial. Yes, I think a part of him is still in denial. But, denial is a very real part of grieving a loss and he not only lost his relationship, he endured lying and betrayal on top of it. He doesn't like pain (imo) he just didn't want to accept the truth about his girlfriend. No one wants to accept that someone they loved and treasured could turn into this. It takes time and I think OP made a good decision ( gasp! I know!) for himself because he realized he needed to know "for sure".

 

What he experienced last night with her may well be a catalyst in helping him exit the denial phase and continue moving forward.

[Itspointless]

In OP's defense, I don't think he likes pain or "seriously needs professional help".

 

I think his reaction and behavior was all very normal, given the situation.

That is why I wrote 'almost'. Just as others I try to point him to certain things he might want to work on. As I am a little more than ten years older than Lee I just want to warn him as I know how it is to be a bit anxious. Could spare him some headaches. And yes, I think he would earn a lot with a bit of therapy, just as I did.

[leesc90]

thanks for all the advice friends. i can tell you all sincerely just want the best for me, and that is incredibly encouraging. ive done nothing to merit such.

 

slept like 2 hours last night.. now im back here @ work tired and pretty sad. she texted me last night around 4 saying she was incredibly sorry and that she had been crying all night. that she didnt mean anything she said and that she loved me. i didnt respond. i dont know how to. i made my mind up to take what was said to heart. it was hard.. but i think its time i actually take the advice here. its been 24 pages right? time to man up..

[TouchedByViolet]

thanks for all the advice friends. i can tell you all sincerely just want the best for me, and that is incredibly encouraging. ive done nothing to merit such.

 

slept like 2 hours last night.. now im back here @ work tired and pretty sad. she texted me last night around 4 saying she was incredibly sorry and that she had been crying all night. that she didnt mean anything she said and that she loved me. i didnt respond. i dont know how to. i made my mind up to take what was said to heart. it was hard.. but i think its time i actually take the advice here. its been 24 pages right? time to man up..

 

It is difficult sometimes.

 

You deserve someone who is trustworthy, reliable and has your back.

[Zahara]

she texted me last night around 4 saying she was incredibly sorry and that she had been crying all night. that she didnt mean anything she said and that she loved me. i didnt respond. i dont know how to. i made my mind up to take what was said to heart. it was hard.. but i think its time i actually take the advice here. its been 24 pages right? time to man up..

 

What a manipulative woman. She didn't mean it? She went off on you because you were calling her out on her BS. She didn't want to deal with your emotional needs and so she shut you out.

 

Now, she reaches out and contradicts everything she said -- why -- to gain the upper hand and control again. To reel the puppet back in again. Manipulative and selfish. It's sad that you've had such a hard time seeing her for what she is.

 

Stop the madness. Please.

[martaldn]

I think the only person that needs professional help here is her not him

 

I am sorry for all this mess OP :(

[leesc90]

What a manipulative woman. She didn't mean it? She went off on you because you were calling her out on her BS. She didn't want to deal with your emotional needs and so she shut you out.

 

Now, she reaches out and contradicts everything she said -- why -- to gain the upper hand and control again. To reel the puppet back in again. Manipulative and selfish. It's sad that you've had such a hard time seeing her for what she is.

 

Stop the madness. Please.

 

zahara, i wish i could see what you see, what the situation/she is. im still incredibly short sighted. you assuredly believe this, that she is entirely manipulative?

 

I think the only person that needs professional help here is her not him

 

I am sorry for all this mess OP :(

 

thanks for your concern.. i do think i need some professional help too. this rollercoaster of emotions has done a toll on my mind and spirit.

 

It is difficult sometimes.

 

You deserve someone who is trustworthy, reliable and has your back.

 

i agree. thanks for this. i hope to meet an amazing woman some day. i tihnk im a pretty special guy

[Apparition]

Dude, you shouldn't even be considering getting back with her. She left you because she "likes" someone else. What happens when you get back with her and she likes someone again? It's not a matter of IF, it's a matter of WHEN. If she truly loved you, and wanted you, she would have fought her feelings for this other guy, and stuck with you. If you do get back with her, and don't listen to the people telling you NOT to get back with her, and it happens again, you will kick yourself so hard. Since you're looking on this site for advice, mine would be disconnect from her completely, ignore her, and move on and find yourself a woman who will be loyal, faithful, and someone who wouldn't put you in second place to some other guy.

 

Good luck.

[Zahara]

zahara, i wish i could see what you see, what the situation/she is. im still incredibly short sighted. you assuredly believe this, that she is entirely manipulative?

 

READ THIS LEE:

 

3/15: She ends it because you have issues but she tells you she hangs on because you could change. Doesn't want to date, will stay single but can't contemplate what would happen if she meets someone. Wants to be friends.

 

3/18: You contact her but she ignores your calls. She states she doesn't want to talk and that she emotionally detached a long time ago. Doesn't think you both can be friends.

 

4/1: You catch her lying about being with another guy. Same guy she began talking to towards the end of your relationship. You ask her to show you the text messages between him and her and she refuses. She says she won't hang out with him anymore and that she doesn't even like him.

 

4/2: She calls about task related issues. Text you an hour later apologizing she shouldn't have talked to you and shouldn't see each other anymore. Says you have move on and that she has no feelings. She doesn't want to lead you on and that there is no hope for reconciliation.

 

4/7: She messages you as "friends".

 

4/29: She contacts again. Wants to have coffee as she feels she wants to talk. Thinks she made a mistake. Proceeds to text/call everyday.

 

4/30: You have a date at her place. You take flowers and snacks. She's appreciative, affectionate and attentive. You go home and calls and tells you that you both shouldn't be talking and that she's sorry for stringing you along. It doesn't feel right getting back together.

 

6/24: She contacts. She regrets her decision. She isn't over you.

 

6/27: You ask to talk.

 

6/28: You find out she has been LYING for the past 5 months. She developed feelings for the other guy. She tells you she can't choose.

 

6/28: You tell her you won't wait and she has to make a decision. She says she will and will let you know.

 

7/2: She picks him.

 

7/22: She dumps the guy and comes back to you. Wants to take things slow. She felt that she has deep feelings for you and that the other guys has issues she can't deal with.

 

7/24: She dumps you. She says she is emotionally unstable. She wants to be friends. She agrees to stop talking to the other guy, evethough she is sad about it.

 

7/24: She picks him again and decides to go back to him.

 

7/30: You break NC and confront about her going to dinner with him. She tells you it was just to talk about having space with him. She tells you it is over, she doesn't feel anything for you anymore and wants nothing to do with you.

 

7/30: Hours later she texts you crying that she didn't mean anything she said and that she loves you.

 

Do you see the INSANITY and the MANIPULATION? It's all kinds of dysfunctions.

Edited July 30, 2014 by Zahara

[leesc90]

thanks for taking your time to outline my situation. it has been entirely dysfunctional and insane.. im not trying to play victim, but i just dont think i deserve that sh** from anyone. and i cant believe people can do that to anotehr they claim to love.

 

this woman is unbelievable. i just want this nightmare to end. the only way is if we detach. back to NC we go. thank you for clearing this up

[Zahara]

thanks for taking your time to outline my situation. it has been entire dysfunctional and insane..

 

this woman is unbelievable. i just want this nightmare to end. the only way is if we detach. back to NC we go. thank you for clearing this up

 

The next time you are weak and torn, please read that timeline. If it doesn't kick you into what your reality is, I don't know what will.

 

It's absolute madness.

[sooshi]

Zahara, you're so amazing! <3 I'm stunned that you took the time to go through his posts and put together that timeline. You're my hero.

 

lee, I hope you print out that timeline and post it somewhere where you'll see it and it'll be a strong enough reminder of why you need to stay away from this woman.

[Itspointless]

I think the only person that needs professional help here is her not him

 

I am sorry for all this mess OP :(

She should have a sign on her head DANGEROUS.

[Simon Phoenix]

READ THIS LEE:

 

3/15: She ends it because you have issues but she tells you she hangs on because you could change. Doesn't want to date, will stay single but can't contemplate what would happen if she meets someone. Wants to be friends.

 

3/18: You contact her but she ignores your calls. She states she doesn't want to talk and that she emotionally detached a long time ago. Doesn't think you both can be friends.

 

4/1: You catch her lying about being with another guy. Same guy she began talking to towards the end of your relationship. You ask her to show you the text messages between him and her and she refuses. She says she won't hang out with him anymore and that she doesn't even like him.

 

4/2: She calls about task related issues. Text you an hour later apologizing she shouldn't have talked to you and shouldn't see each other anymore. Says you have move on and that she has no feelings. She doesn't want to lead you on and that there is no hope for reconciliation.

 

4/7: She messages you as "friends".

 

4/29: She contacts again. Wants to have coffee as she feels she wants to talk. Thinks she made a mistake. Proceeds to text/call everyday.

 

4/30: You have a date at her place. You take flowers and snacks. She's appreciative, affectionate and attentive. You go home and calls and tells you that you both shouldn't be talking and that she's sorry for stringing you along. It doesn't feel right getting back together.

 

6/24: She contacts. She regrets her decision. She isn't over you.

 

6/27: You ask to talk.

 

6/28: You find out she has been LYING for the past 5 months. She developed feelings for the other guy. She tells you she can't choose.

 

6/28: You tell her you won't wait and she has to make a decision. She says she will and will let you know.

 

7/2: She picks him.

 

7/22: She dumps the guy and comes back to you. Wants to take things slow. She felt that she has deep feelings for you and that the other guys has issues she can't deal with.

 

7/24: She dumps you. She says she is emotionally unstable. She wants to be friends. She agrees to stop talking to the other guy, evethough she is sad about it.

 

7/24: She picks him again and decides to go back to him.

 

7/30: You break NC and confront about her going to dinner with him. She tells you it was just to talk about having space with him. She tells you it is over, she doesn't feel anything for you anymore and wants nothing to do with you.

 

7/30: Hours later she texts you crying that she didn't mean anything she said and that she loves you.

 

Do you see the INSANITY and the MANIPULATION? It's all kinds of dysfunctions.

 

Print this out and hang it on your refrigerator or tape it to your desk.

[BC1980]

thanks for taking your time to outline my situation. it has been entirely dysfunctional and insane.. im not trying to play victim, but i just dont think i deserve that sh** from anyone. and i cant believe people can do that to anotehr they claim to love.

 

this woman is unbelievable. i just want this nightmare to end. the only way is if we detach. back to NC we go. thank you for clearing this up

 

Of course, you don't deserve that treatment. However, you do keep signing up for it. So who told you that you deserve to be treated like this?

[Itspointless]

Of course, you don't deserve that treatment. However, you do keep signing up for it. So who told you that you deserve to be treated like this?

This^^ This should be your quest.

[dreamingoftigers]

You know what?

 

I am going to be the one-off voice here.

 

I think that clearly she has some unresolved emotions here and that if you feel that strongly you should give her another chance.

 

She did say that she didn't mean it.

 

Maybe it's just a defence-mechanism.

Poor childhood.

Too much Taco Bell?

[dreamingoftigers]

I am completely, inappropriately kidding.

 

DO NOT go back.

 

But I know one way that would keep her from contacting you.

 

Send her the timeline, tell her that you think she is 110% crazy and that she needs to keep her crazy self from ever contacting you again.

 

It may not be taking 100% responsibility for you own actions BUT I pretty much guarantee that the worst thing crazy people hate is being called crazy. They're REALLY touchy about it and they will drop you for it. >The only response to it, is "like, no YOU'RE CRAZY." And then they WOULD be crazy for contacting a crazy person. So they generally WON'T do it.

 

Unless they are the kind of crazy that can't help but plead their case over and over. Then you won't put it with it. Honestly. It'll gross you out. You'll put a stop to it pronto.

[hoping2heal]

thanks for taking your time to outline my situation. it has been entirely dysfunctional and insane.. im not trying to play victim, but i just dont think i deserve that sh** from anyone. and i cant believe people can do that to anotehr they claim to love.

 

this woman is unbelievable. i just want this nightmare to end. the only way is if we detach. back to NC we go. thank you for clearing this up

 

If I knew who this girl and where she lived, I would come to her house with a canoe paddle and give her ass the king size spanking she so well deserves.

 

Her level of game playing has now OFFICIALLY pissed me off.

 

I back Zahara 110% on the manipulative bit. I had suspected that her outburst was triggered by the fact that you caught her in a lie about the other man "out to dinner for space". What space were they discussing? How much space is still incredibly left for her to run her mouth full of bull**** even while she's blowing him?! :rolleyes::rolleyes: "Hi, I'm bull-*****ting Barbie! I can fit a penis and a trunk load of lies in my mouth at the same time!"

 

What you've shared with us has confirmed it. I think the only truthful thing she has said this whole time is that she is emotionally unstable. I'm willing to bet a crisp hundred that her new lover isn't as solid (e.g. "a sure thing") as you are which is why she dangles you as a comfort pillow choice. If she knew for sure this relationship with him was going to work out, she wouldn't even be bothering with you right now and it's quite frankly sick,selfish, and utterly demented.You are being used in one of the worst and most degrading ways.

 

Please, step off the roller coaster because she has no qualms about keeping you on it, despite the fact that you've communicated to her that what she's doing is hurting you very badly. If you tell someone they are hurting you and they continue to do so they are bad, bad, bad, bad news and you will never find happiness with a person who is okay with orchestrating and perpetuating your misery, just to further their own agenda.

[Musing]

Wow. I read this entire thread.

Usually I get annoyed and frustrated at OPs that keep clinging to their ex-SO's when the signs are so clear that their ex's have 0 intention of being with them and want to be left alone.

 

But this. OP, I feel for you. And I think your ex is not only insane and manipulative, but I really don't think she is worth any of your tears. She doesn't deserve happiness with how she is treating you. And I know you might be sore at this other man, but in some respects you gotta feel for him too because she's most likely doing this same thing to him and lying along the way (forgive me if this isn't the case, I didn't follow your entire story)

 

So she's screwing with two people, one of which has been around for years (you)

 

She is the epitome of a dangerous female. This is the kind of girl that gives the rest of us a bad name. And I know you say she didn't start out this way but she is this way now. She never will be the girl you fell in love with and the relationship will never be a good one with her.

 

Not only should you do NC to heal, but you should completely exile this person for your life for good. No proclamations of NC or moving on from you either. No revenge. No "I'm doing so much better without you", passive aggressiveness, cheesy poems or friendly "Happy Birthdays".

 

Just cold, dead, solid radio silence.

Don't talk to this girl again. She does not love you, she has some deep seated issues and she'll bring you pain and misery.

 

It is a hard truth but one that is easy to digest if you stay away. It'll get worse before it gets better but trust me OP, I give you my personal word that it can only get better.

[ThorntonMelon]

As I said earlier, LeeSC is one of my favorites here. A genuinely good dude who's been mentally tortured into submission.

 

Zahara is my new hero.

[FortunateSon]

LeeSC, I feel for you, I can relate as I have been through something very similar. I can tell you from personal experience, the two most important elements that help heal from an experience like this are: time and absolute NO CONTACT. None, zero, zip. Block every form of contact possible, no phone, no Facebook, no emails, no twitter, tell friends you want to know NOTHING about her. It won't be easy, especially considering the damage and hurt she has inflicted, but you will eventually heal and find someone who treats you like you deserve to be. Believe it!

[SuperGeek]

i feel like absolute ****, but alteast i know its done..

 

Sorry mate. That sucks a big one. Get rid of all her stuff, contacts, emails, phone numbers, etc. If needed, get rid of her friends associated with you too. Just cleanse your life and move on one day at a time. It doesn't matter what she thinks.

 

Let this be a lesson learned. Once a girl breaks up with you, it's best to leave it that way and move on. You can't really ever trust them after that again anyway typically. Oh and espeically if they give you the 'I need space' reason. That reason is such a load of BS anyway. Also NEVER EVER be friends with an ex. Once it's done, delete their info and find someone else.

 

G/l man. Take it one day at a time and you'll feel better in a few days/weeks.

 

Geek

[Emptynesswithouther]

yeah..

 

so the same friend told me he had to get something off his chest. he said he saw them tonight out eating dinner. the lies never end.

 

im glad I didn't break nc, this woman is pure evil. she promised so many things but she's off doing this when she said she needed space. I hate women.. It makes me so angry and sad

You gotta move on dude, this is toxic ive read this whole thread.

I was in the same position you were in 3 months ago, it does get better

Now it annoying i get a calls in texts every week from her like clock work.

I don't even answer though....goodluck dude