Dumper came back, but is choosing between me and new man

[LostConfused123]

I've been following this and I'm so sorry for your pain. I know how you feel. I've been here forever it seems. (my fault though) I LET HIM JERK ME AROUND.

 

LISTEN TO ME!!! Please, please please change your number!!!

I did it 2 months ago and it was such a relief. He has absolutely no way to contact me unless he beats down my door.

 

My phone is also my business so if I can do it, anyone can. The hassle is NOTHING compared to the freedom and dignity it will provide. Trust me!!! You will feel so free

 

And NO , don't tell her you're doing it!!

 

I didn't. I just changed it one night when I couldn't stand the pain anymore. I'm sure he figured it out and it makes me smile thinking of the shock he must have felt. His "security blanket" said F THIS#!! I'm outa here!!

 

Do it Lee!! PLEASE!!!!

[Emptynesswithouther]

Yeah do that change the number!!!!

[leesc90]

i dont think i can change my number.. i have too many contacts and business associations with the number. we have so many mutual friends i doubt itd be effective anyways.

 

im so eager to text her back.. im watching a huge part of my life walk out of my life. i know its the right thing to do to stay NC but its eating me alive. reading the timeline provided really helps

Edited July 31, 2014 by leesc90

[Simon Phoenix]

i dont think i can change my number.. i have too many contacts and business associations with the number. we have so many mutual friends i doubt itd be effective anyways.

 

im so eager to text her back.. im watching a huge part of my life walk out of my life. i know its the right thing to do to stay NC but its eating me alive.

 

She walked out of your life a while ago, your self-esteem and self-worth is so ravaged by this woman that you have convinced yourself of an alternate reality. If you can't change the number, you have to block it. I mean, there is absolutely no reason for you to not block her number at this point.

 

I mean, things aren't going to improve until you take the means to improve them. The fact that you still haven't shows that either a) you are the dumbest, most stubborn person on the planet or b) your self-esteem is so tattered that you are almost like an emotionally battered spouse. Despite your performance and listening skills (or lack of them) in this thread, I don't think you are the dumbest person on the planet. You wouldn't be in law school if you were.

 

Do you really want to continue this insanity? I mean, what will get through to you? Does she have to have sex with this guy in front of you with you watching? Does she have to stab you in the face? Does she have to cut off your arm?

 

You need to come back to the real world dude. Everytime you start thinking like this you make stupid-ass decisions and set yourself further back. I mean, she basically told you to f--k off last night and you are still hankering for contact. Do you really have that little pride left?

 

C'mon Lee. Enough is f--king enough.

[hoping2heal]

i dont think i can change my number.. i have too many contacts and business associations with the number. we have so many mutual friends i doubt itd be effective anyways.

 

im so eager to text her back.. im watching a huge part of my life walk out of my life. i know its the right thing to do to stay NC but its eating me alive. reading the timeline provided really helps

 

You're still in denial, Lee.

 

I hope that for your sake you will stay NC until the denial passes through.

 

If you hadn't noticed, the longer you hang on in this mess the more hurt you get. Each time you think you can't be more hurt - you've come back and told us something that hurt you further than the incident previous. This is now the pattern.

 

You're not watching a big part of your life walk out of it, because it's pretty damn clear the big part has long since departed. You don't want to believe it and you don't want to accept it.

[BC1980]

I pretty much have to echo what others have said about this part of your life already being gone. She left you for someone else. She walked out. Just because she throws you little crumbs does not mean that she is in your life in any meaningful way.

[leesc90]

thank you all for being the voice of reason.. i agree entirely with everything that has been said.

 

i can see how i am in denial. and it needs to stop. all this needs to stop, and i just need to get my life back. theres no reason i should be pining for someone who basically told me to fu-- off. EVEN if she contactee me and she was truly sorry.

[Simon Phoenix]

thank you all for being the voice of reason.. i agree entirely with everything that has been said.

 

i can see how i am in denial. and it needs to stop. all this needs to stop, and i just need to get my life back. theres no reason i should be pining for someone who basically told me to fu-- off. EVEN if she contactee me and she was truly sorry.

 

She's basically told you to f--k off for six months now, she just finally verbalized it. She's torturing you, but you are allowing it to happen. You aren't her pet who has no other means of support, you are a man. You have value. You just need to realize it. This girl has sucked the life out of you to the point where you have little fight left. But you do have some left, so use it. Don't let her continue to defeat you.

[Zahara]

thank you all for being the voice of reason.. i agree entirely with everything that has been said.

 

i can see how i am in denial. and it needs to stop. all this needs to stop, and i just need to get my life back. theres no reason i should be pining for someone who basically told me to fu-- off. EVEN if she contactee me and she was truly sorry.

 

Truly sorry?!?!?! Am I in the twilight zone?

 

Read that timeline! How many times did she go against every word, emotion, thought -- a 180 each and every time. What the hell does a "sorry" mean when she has not been entirely capable of standing by anything she has said for the past 4 months, let alone the 5 months she lied to you about that guy? One minute she's crying and the next she's telling you to F off, then 4 seconds later she wants to get back, then 4am she's doesn't feel anything for you anymore. Bloody hell, her words are absolutely meaningless. Sorry!? A trained monkey can do that.

 

Actions! What are her actions telling you. Words are cheap, more so free. She's sorry today and tomorrow she'll tell you to take a hike.

[hoping2heal]

thank you all for being the voice of reason.. i agree entirely with everything that has been said.

 

i can see how i am in denial. and it needs to stop. all this needs to stop, and i just need to get my life back. theres no reason i should be pining for someone who basically told me to fu-- off. EVEN if she contactee me and she was truly sorry.

 

Yeah, she told she was "truly sorry" with the same mouth (you know what I mean) she used to tell you that there was no one else, when there was. With the same mouth that she used to tell you she chooses you over him, except it was him out to dinner with her last night and not you.

 

She's not sorry, she's SELFISH, Selfish with a big capital S

 

Selfish as in someone who has been told, point blank how her actions are affecting you. Instead of being humane, she tries to pull you back in full well knowing what this is doing to you.

 

I don't really give a fk about what comes out of her mouth or onto her text screen because what she's doing to you, has done to you, and apparently wants to try continue doing to you isn't love, hell it isn't even like. It's objectification. Treating someone like they are meant for your use and no regard, concern, or care is given for their feelings or otherwise.

 

For a whole 5 minutes there she had me fooled into thinking she at least cared about you as a person when she finally came clean that you two were done and over. I was relieved for your sake that you could have some finality and at least handed it to her that she finally "manned up". I guess I should have known that was too decent to expect from her capabilities.

 

 

Pffft. She is a snakey, snyde, calculating little bitch. :sick::sick:

[leesc90]

without this forum... i know i would have done many things i would have regretted. and i already have so much regret. thanks guys.

 

she is pretty ****ty. can you guys tell me why i have to FREAKING logically calculate and convince myself she is so? and why im so spineless that i forgive her for everything. even now i dont hate her at all. and i know just as well as you guys what the hell shes put me through. i was there!

[Simon Phoenix]

without this forum... i know i would have done many things i would have regretted. and i already have so much regret. thanks guys.

 

she is pretty ****ty. can you guys tell me why i have to FREAKING logically calculate and convince myself she is so? and why im so spineless that i forgive her for everything. even now i dont hate her at all. and i know just as well as you guys what the hell shes put me through. i was there!

 

I just think that you are so beat down that you forgot what it's like to have confidence and self-respect. You are basically like an abused pet right now. You don't know why your owner mistreats you and you just want to do anything you can to make them stop.

 

Luckily, you aren't a pet. You're a human and you have the capability to stand on your own two feet. You just have to take the proper steps and stop sucking up to someone who has no respect for you.

[hoping2heal]

without this forum... i know i would have done many things i would have regretted. and i already have so much regret. thanks guys.

 

she is pretty ****ty. can you guys tell me why i have to FREAKING logically calculate and convince myself she is so? and why im so spineless that i forgive her for everything. even now i dont hate her at all. and i know just as well as you guys what the hell shes put me through. i was there!

 

 

Yes, it's denial. That's what denial is. You don't want to face the truth about her. About what she's done, is doing, and will do. Even though you have experienced all of this first hand, you've heard her lies, etc. etc. etc.

 

You still can't accept that everything is real.

 

You want to believe there's a reason, an explanation that makes sense to you and lines up with the person who you knew her to be and thought she was.

[leesc90]

yeah.. you guys are right. i have some serious issues to miss and want to make this woman happy still. i swear to god im a normal dude in real life lol

[hoping2heal]

yeah.. you guys are right. i have some serious issues to miss and want to make this woman happy still. i swear to god im a normal dude in real life lol

 

Of course you are. I've never gotten any impression you weren't.

 

And denial, though not helpful, is still a regular part of grieving a loss. So even that is "normal" and "regular".

 

But, my word...you have to stop acting out when you're weak. It's not helping you - whether denial is normal or not. Get a damn action plan in place if you really must. Since you share so many mutual friends, let them all know you don't want to hear another word about her and her going ons. It IS possible for them to not tell you about her. Block her number and don't make excuses for why you can't or why it "wouldn't do much anyway".

[Simon Phoenix]

yeah.. you guys are right. i have some serious issues to miss and want to make this woman happy still. i swear to god im a normal dude in real life lol

 

You sound like a member of a cult right now -- you are willing to do any sort of mental gymnastics to make your ex into a certain image which does not exist. I mean, are there friends you can talk to that can help you with this, or a counselor? Yours is a pretty extreme case -- haven't seen many people suspend disbelief like you have in this situation. I'm really not sure how much more we can do for you -- it seems like you need help beyond our paygrade.

 

What do your parents think of this? Siblings? Anyone? You need someone in your life to pick you up, because this girl has completely ravaged you.

[leesc90]

You sound like a member of a cult right now -- you are willing to do any sort of mental gymnastics to make your ex into a certain image which does not exist. I mean, are there friends you can talk to that can help you with this, or a counselor? Yours is a pretty extreme case -- haven't seen many people suspend disbelief like you have in this situation. I'm really not sure how much more we can do for you -- it seems like you need help beyond our paygrade.

 

What do your parents think of this? Siblings? Anyone? You need someone in your life to pick you up, because this girl has completely ravaged you.

 

parents passed when i was 18. sister lives in another country. i have friends, but i dont like to have them see me like this, so i tend to just go home after work. its not like i have much free time anyways. i need to see her for what she is. i can get through this.. i know i can. there are days i feel like its hopeless.. but theres more to life than this.

 

Of course you are. I've never gotten any impression you weren't.

 

And denial, though not helpful, is still a regular part of grieving a loss. So even that is "normal" and "regular".

 

But, my word...you have to stop acting out when you're weak. It's not helping you - whether denial is normal or not. Get a damn action plan in place if you really must. Since you share so many mutual friends, let them all know you don't want to hear another word about her and her going ons. It IS possible for them to not tell you about her. Block her number and don't make excuses for why you can't or why it "wouldn't do much anyway".

 

her number is blocked.. i cant really block email or move away, (sometimes i hope she is waiting at my house. insane huh.) but i told my friends to not tell me squat.

[hoping2heal]

parents passed when i was 18. sister lives in another country. i have friends, but i dont like to have them see me like this, so i tend to just go home after work. its not like i have much free time anyways. i need to see her for what she is. i can get through this.. i know i can. there are days i feel like its hopeless.. but theres more to life than this.

 

 

 

her number is blocked.. i cant really block email or move away, (sometimes i hope she is waiting at my house. insane huh.) but i told my friends to not tell me squat.

 

This is a great start! So, no more of her text msgs?

 

So sorry to hear about your parents How old are now?

[Simon Phoenix]

Good job on the phone blocking and sorry about your parents. And I wouldn't be afraid to let your guard down a bit around trusted friends -- they might be able to give you the pick-me-up we can't.

[leesc90]

This is a great start! So, no more of her text msgs?

 

So sorry to hear about your parents How old are now?

 

yeah honestly, it was really hard bc it was so unexpected.. ive been on my own since. as messed up as this sounds, and as much as i hate to say this, this whole experience is on par with that loss i experienced back then. i dont know why, logically it doesnt make sense. i loved my parents more than anything in hindsight. they never wronged me, granted they werent perfect. im 24 now.

 

Good job on the phone blocking and sorry about your parents. And I wouldn't be afraid to let your guard down a bit around trusted friends -- they might be able to give you the pick-me-up we can't.

 

yeah. i tell my roommate everything. but, in my eyes, what kind of person wants to hear this kind of stuff? its literally gone on for almost a year. spanning two different occasions.. i would lose my sh-- lol

[Simon Phoenix]

yeah. i tell my roommate everything. but, in my eyes, what kind of person wants to hear this kind of stuff? its literally gone on for almost a year. spanning two different occasions.. i would lose my sh-- lol

 

That's what friends are for. My friends have been invaluable in helping me through similar situations. Obviously you don't want to droll on and on and make it the only thing you talk about, but you need to do something different. Maybe they can put it in a perspective that can break through the trance your ex has you in. Who knows, it can't hurt.

[David87]

Great idea with the friends picking you up, but sometimes you need to be alone to grow and become a better man. Remember, dark times makes you stronger and wiser. Chin up buddy.

[Lostdreams]

Lee thanks for sharing your story - reading your thread made me sign up here and give my own break-up story.

 

You are suffering and for this I feel sorry but it's clear for us all that you are a great guy and you deserve a partner worthy of you - this girl is not

 

The loss of your parents and the loss of your relationship are huge issues to overcome. I really think some therapy could be helpful for you moving forward not only for this latest life event but also for your future.

 

At one point I was so low in my life that friends alone couldn't see me through it. I went to a therapist and slowly made the way down an internal road to recovery. It was the best thing I ever did and I think you would find it helpful. It's not being weak - it's just taking care of yourself.

 

I wish you all the best

[hoping2heal]

yeah honestly, it was really hard bc it was so unexpected.. ive been on my own since. as messed up as this sounds, and as much as i hate to say this, this whole experience is on par with that loss i experienced back then. i dont know why, logically it doesnt make sense. i loved my parents more than anything in hindsight. they never wronged me, granted they werent perfect. im 24 now.

 

It's very possible that this loss is triggering for you. That wouldn't be a stretch. Might also explain why you're so darn determined to hang on vs. let go and experience change. With your sister being in another country, I can understand why you wouldn't want to let go of her. But, she's not the right person to cling to either for obvious reasons. I've lost both of my grandparents within this last year. I was super close and both were active, fully independent and living on their own. They too were out of the blue. Just recently, got news my Dad's aneurysm was growing and he will likely need a high risk operation. While it's not the same thing by any means - I feel very overwhelmed sometimes and I (feel) like I can't possibly lose another person right now.

 

I'm in an intense and competitive academic program too and I think it's been a bit of a saving grace because it's been the arrow to point me forward. I'm fortunate to have other family, friends, and a loving S.O. but I can't imagine losing anyone else.

 

 

yeah. i tell my roommate everything. but, in my eyes, what kind of person wants to hear this kind of stuff? its literally gone on for almost a year. spanning two different occasions.. i would lose my sh-- lol

 

's the deal with the year? I was thinking you two were broken up for 5 months? But maybe I've got my timeline wrong. Has it really been a near year of this?

Edited July 31, 2014 by hoping2heal

[Itspointless]

It's very possible that this loss is triggering for you. That wouldn't be a stretch. Might also explain why you're so darn determined to hang on vs. let go and experience change.

No it isn't a stretch, this is why i talked about therapy on page 24 and a easy insightful book before that. Lee my anxiety - whats left of it - has much to do with loosing a parent when I was an adolescent. Some fears we have only come to the surface when we are already low or stressed. It also wouldn't surprise me if you haven't grieved much.

 

As for still wanting to make her happy, and as you seem a guy who wants to think logically, read up on neurobiological chemicals and breaking up. You have to give your brain the time to balance itself chemically.