Dumper came back, but is choosing between me and new man

[dreamingoftigers]

i dont think i can change my number.. i have too many contacts and business associations with the number. we have so many mutual friends i doubt itd be effective anyways.

 

im so eager to text her back.. im watching a huge part of my life walk out of my life. i know its the right thing to do to stay NC but its eating me alive. reading the timeline provided really helps

 

This is really simple.

 

Change your number, text everyone your new number.

 

(except her)

 

I change cell phone providers about as often as my sheets. And, honestly, I keep my sheets changed very frequently.

 

Changing a phone number is nothing. Just pull the plug.

[dreamingoftigers]

yeah.. you guys are right. i have some serious issues to miss and want to make this woman happy still. i swear to god im a normal dude in real life lol

 

I think THAT'S the thing.

 

You see, normal people who don't mess with people's head have a REALLY HARD TIME when they first fall head over heels and it turns out to be toxic.

 

It just is really traumatic for us to wrap our heads around it.

 

I am not saying that I am "normal" per se, but I definitely put my relationships on a pedestal and did all of the "right stuff" that they caution us about.

 

Like, "honest, open communication" "sharing" "considering" "fun/spontaneous but also responsible."

 

And all of that works GREAT when you have someone that shares it!

 

But when you've got someone that sucks the life out of you, you sit there and think, "hmm, maybe they just haven't seen the obvious here yet, I'll talk to them/show them/prove it to them and then everything will be fine because clearly they care about me, they tell me all the time. We'll figure this out."

 

But the truth is, many people are conflict-avoidant and can't even accept what they themselves are feeling and how to sort that.

 

Some people just like keeping ALL of their options open instead of picking someone or something. And it gets them nowhere. It's a sucky thing to do. It really messes with people where they tend to be most vulnerable.

 

And you really want her to see you as the good, solid guy that's always going to be there for her.

 

And it's hard to walk away from that.

 

But she did. The best way to honour yourself AND the REALLY GOOD WOMAN who is coming down the road is to let this go.

 

Respect her choice to leave you high and dry and have THAT be your expression of love to her. That you value her choice to wreck your relationship. You respect that. In a way that frees you to find the woman who is not going to mess with your head. And it will do your ex a favor too. It will be one of many things that will show her that messing people around like this is not fair to anyone, even her. It will show her that that behaviour doesn't always work to her advantage. She will have to see the consequences of that herself.

 

Even if she does it sixteen more times to people. At least one person showed her that it wasn't 100%.

 

You can do this.

 

If you are strong enough to weather the bullshirt in this relationship, you are strong enough to walk away from it. You'll feel better as soon as you have her away from contacting you for awhile.

[dreamingoftigers]

yeah honestly, it was really hard bc it was so unexpected.. ive been on my own since. as messed up as this sounds, and as much as i hate to say this, this whole experience is on par with that loss i experienced back then. i dont know why, logically it doesnt make sense. i loved my parents more than anything in hindsight. they never wronged me, granted they werent perfect. im 24 now.

 

 

 

yeah. i tell my roommate everything. but, in my eyes, what kind of person wants to hear this kind of stuff? its literally gone on for almost a year. spanning two different occasions.. i would lose my sh-- lol

 

Hurt has a funny way of manifesting itself.

 

Sometimes when we get hurt, it pulls on every other neural connection that's been formed during hurt. (Not precisely but you get what I mean).

 

I was abandoned once in infancy and then again at age 7.

 

When my husband has disappeared, I become that scared kid again. Terror is the best word to describe it. I won't sleep or eat for days. Total trauma response.

 

But like most CBT-type therapy (exposure), I have started to adapt around it over the years. It went from being struck down for a week or so, to about a few hours. Then a strengthening of sorts. I never count on him returning, and the pains in my chest and stomach are unbearable.

 

But I have come to accept that the only way I can be sure things will change is if I change them. And that would require facing that terror. As well, he was relatively unaware of the physiological affects it had on me until rather recently. He himself has an overwhelming instinct to run from emotional strain or a fear of being trapped. He used to be locked into rooms etc when he was younger and humiliated. So...yeah... perfect match.....

 

I get the emotional mess you must feel. Like her pulling away is terrible grief. And then her returning, even with the faintest hope is so relieving.

 

But she's not suddenly vanishing. She's not even really going toward anything. She's just trying to not be alone and is willing to pull anyone into her emotional sh*t storm. Honestly, I doubt she's even hurting all that much because she covers that up with whatever friend or guy she can get her hands on in that moment. She's not feeling it all that much yet and she's keeping her options in check.

 

This is NOT a good thing. It means that to her, you aren't really that special. You are a name on the list.

 

This doesn't reflect reality. Because you actually ARE a decent person with a good outlook. She just wants to relieve her own anxiety and then her own guilt.... repeatedly.....and you CAN'T talk her out of it. You can't reason away crazy like that. Because I will bet you my life's savings she can't even see it.

 

You could spend YEARS locked in this cycle without it changing (trust me). Or you can cut your losses now, face the terror/grief and move up a level emotionally, get better and find someone that is looking for the good guy that you are.

 

I recommend that.

 

I should clarify that I do deeply love my husband. But truth be told, he has a TON of issues and that if I had faced more of my own terror and negative feelings before getting married, I probably would have married someone much healthier, and this cycle would not have happened. I can't undo all of that now. But I am 8 years older than you and I am imploring you to please not have a similar outcome as mine. You could very well marry someone as emotionally messed as this girl if you don't take care of your own grief and feelings and ugh, just imagine a marriage to someone who is only invested part-time. Then add kids. It's a nightmare. An awful nightmare.

 

And I have seen at least one other girl with this mentality who has done it to her husband and kids. You don't want that. Trust me. No good times or "pretty" or "fun" is worth the Hell that's on the other side of that.

 

Really face this disaster and come out with your head up.

It's only a mistake if you don't learn from it.

[BC1980]

I think THAT'S the thing.

 

You see, normal people who don't mess with people's head have a REALLY HARD TIME when they first fall head over heels and it turns out to be toxic.

 

It just is really traumatic for us to wrap our heads around it.

 

I am not saying that I am "normal" per se, but I definitely put my relationships on a pedestal and did all of the "right stuff" that they caution us about.

 

Like, "honest, open communication" "sharing" "considering" "fun/spontaneous but also responsible."

 

And all of that works GREAT when you have someone that shares it!

 

But when you've got someone that sucks the life out of you, you sit there and think, "hmm, maybe they just haven't seen the obvious here yet, I'll talk to them/show them/prove it to them and then everything will be fine because clearly they care about me, they tell me all the time. We'll figure this out."

 

But the truth is, many people are conflict-avoidant and can't even accept what they themselves are feeling and how to sort that.

 

Some people just like keeping ALL of their options open instead of picking someone or something. And it gets them nowhere. It's a sucky thing to do. It really messes with people where they tend to be most vulnerable.

 

And you really want her to see you as the good, solid guy that's always going to be there for her.

 

And it's hard to walk away from that.

 

But she did. The best way to honour yourself AND the REALLY GOOD WOMAN who is coming down the road is to let this go.

 

Respect her choice to leave you high and dry and have THAT be your expression of love to her. That you value her choice to wreck your relationship. You respect that. In a way that frees you to find the woman who is not going to mess with your head. And it will do your ex a favor too. It will be one of many things that will show her that messing people around like this is not fair to anyone, even her. It will show her that that behaviour doesn't always work to her advantage. She will have to see the consequences of that herself.

 

Even if she does it sixteen more times to people. At least one person showed her that it wasn't 100%.

 

You can do this.

 

If you are strong enough to weather the bullshirt in this relationship, you are strong enough to walk away from it. You'll feel better as soon as you have her away from contacting you for awhile.

 

This is so true. I've had such a hard time with my breakup because I couldn't fathom someone would be so deceitful. I'm not emotionally wired like my ex, and it took months to realize that. We're not even on the same playing field when it comes to what I would view as unconditional love.

 

One thing I've learned is that just because I would behave a certain way, that has no bearing on another person's behavior.

[BC1980]

yeah honestly, it was really hard bc it was so unexpected.. ive been on my own since. as messed up as this sounds, and as much as i hate to say this, this whole experience is on par with that loss i experienced back then. i dont know why, logically it doesnt make sense. i loved my parents more than anything in hindsight. they never wronged me, granted they werent perfect. im 24 now.

 

Actually, your reaction now makes perfect sense. Your parents dying is a type of abandonment (although not by their choice), and her leaving is also abandonment. It's triggering residual grief, and you are probably reliving the experience of your parent's deaths. Did you ever seek counseling for grief after your parents died?

[leesc90]

i dont know if its residual grief. i made my peace with it many years ago. it still sucks when i think about it, but i know theyre in a better place.

 

this is different. its a pain that stems from lying, deceit, betrayal, and stringing (pushing pulling). its not as intense, but the pain is definitely up there.

 

i dont hate her at all, i want her back (i dont know why). but i know its not right, shes not the same girl, and that she really did some unforgivable stuff. i hope i get to the point where i no longer desire her.

[FortunateSon]

i dont hate her at all, i want her back (i dont know why). but i know its not right, shes not the same girl, and that she really did some unforgivable stuff. i hope i get to the point where i no longer desire her.

This takes time and NC. You might never hate her, but you do need to get to indifference, where you really don't care anymore. It takes a commitment to get to that place, there is no easy way to do it. Like I mentioned, I was in a similar situation, where despite her doing a lot of bad things and causing me a lot of pain, I couldn't "hate" her either, and even at times considered the thought of getting back together. It has been a little over year since BU, and 6-7 month from I heard from her last and I am in a much BETTER PLACE. I committed to NC and understood healing wouldn't happen overnight. Make that commitment to yourself!

[hoping2heal]

i dont know if its residual grief. i made my peace with it many years ago. it still sucks when i think about it, but i know theyre in a better place.

 

this is different. its a pain that stems from lying, deceit, betrayal, and stringing (pushing pulling). its not as intense, but the pain is definitely up there.

 

i dont hate her at all, i want her back (i dont know why). but i know its not right, shes not the same girl, and that she really did some unforgivable stuff. i hope i get to the point where i no longer desire her.

 

Don't worry about hating her, you may never and I think that would be better than actually hating her. Sure, she's a douche bag but I think hate hurts us unnecessarily.

 

Your heart hasn't had any opportunity to catch up to brain, because her behavior has created so much mass confusion. She loves you, she loves you not. She loves him, no wait she loves you, oh, no wait it's actually him she loves. No, she wants to be single, no wait she doesn't. Oh yes, she does. She needs space, no wait she needs space from you while hooking up with him. You two are over and done, no wait you're not - she's really sorry.

 

I mean really, how is a person supposed to catch their breath in a muddled mess like that?

 

Which is why I really hope you will actually stick out the NC this time. I don't see any other way that you'll have an opportunity to think objectively otherwise. Your heart can't catch up to your brain if heart is continually and freshly pulled in by another round of lies mixed in with a dash of bread crumbs she throws your way. You have already said this has gone on nearly a year. Nearly a year and you've made literally no progress at moving on from her which proves my point entirely.

 

Go NC and stick with it, write down what you want to say to her in a notebook if you have to (hey, I've done it and it works!). Whatever it takes to get a break from her and her story hour. Yes, it may feel like it's eating you alive but in case you haven't noticed - so is being in contact with her.

[leesc90]

If anyone still remembers or follows this thread,

i wanted to come back and tell everyone whats been going on in my life. hopefully this gives people hope.

I went strict NC for a while after all this mess. maintained it for sometime, until i got in a really bad motorcycle accident and i was in the ER for a few days. she came to visit me, tried to console me, but after asking her the status of her and the man she cheated on me with, I told her to leave (in a much more condescending and mean way lol). basically to F off. i was able to do this bc of the empowerment i got through NC and realizing how i really deserve better.

 

i met a new girl recently, and shes opened up my eyes to realize that my ex was NOT the one, and that i dont really have a type. she makes me happy and shes nothing like the mold i thought was my ideal girl. we're taking things slow, and im really enjoying my time with her.

 

so essentially, ive moved on, im happy and no longer am in that rut that i was when i was broken here and im finally enjoying life to its fullest again. dont hang onto those who arent willing to do the same with you. thanks for the help when i needed it guys.

[Itspointless]

That is great man. I am happy for you, and also that you are in a good state after your accident. The result really could have been different

 

I do hope though that you keep on working on yourself. Remember old patterns come to the surface when we feel low or stressed.

[mightycpa]

i just found out the REAL reason why my ex left (took 5 months for her to finally open up) was that she developed feelings for a guy at the end of our relationship.

 

she came back to me saying she misses me, and that she is torn between choosing between him and me. they arent dating, she just likes him apparently.

 

what do i do? when she told me this, i said make up your mind. either him or me. some people think i shouldnt even take her back.

 

i love her so much.. this hurts UNBELIEVABLY bad. i was so sure i had hit rock bottom, but knowing i was lied to for 5 months and played a fool sucks so much.

 

I haven't read this entire thread because I don't need to. I already know what's going to happen.

 

She's eventually going to pick Door #3. You and your competition will end up crying in the same beer.

[dumbass2]

If anyone still remembers or follows this thread,

i wanted to come back and tell everyone whats been going on in my life. hopefully this gives people hope.

I went strict NC for a while after all this mess. maintained it for sometime, until i got in a really bad motorcycle accident and i was in the ER for a few days. she came to visit me, tried to console me, but after asking her the status of her and the man she cheated on me with, I told her to leave (in a much more condescending and mean way lol). basically to F off. i was able to do this bc of the empowerment i got through NC and realizing how i really deserve better.

 

i met a new girl recently, and shes opened up my eyes to realize that my ex was NOT the one, and that i dont really have a type. she makes me happy and shes nothing like the mold i thought was my ideal girl. we're taking things slow, and im really enjoying my time with her.

 

so essentially, ive moved on, im happy and no longer am in that rut that i was when i was broken here and im finally enjoying life to its fullest again. dont hang onto those who arent willing to do the same with you. thanks for the help when i needed it guys.

 

Don't forget where you have been. It's only been just over a month since you were still saying that you want back with your ex. If you were in "strict NC" then how did she know you were in the hospital and where you were? If you are serious and you want this new woman to work out with you, please make sure that you have blocked your ex every way possible and eliminated everything about her. I'm telling you that she may try to pop up again and F around with you. I don't want to see you back here a month from now because she has contacted you again. You don't get over someone that fast after where you were. We know where you were, even very recently. It's going to be tough. Don't try to pretend it is just over and everything is rainbows and lollipops now. Know that it is still going to take you some time. Truly wish you the best of luck!

[stillafool]

Good for you that you didn't try to hang on to her and miss out on the nice girl you have now. All the best and we're here if you need us!

[leesc90]

yeah, if i had been moping or being the way i was, i totally woulda missed out on this amazing girl.

 

i was in NC, she found out through some pictures my friends posted when i was under some meds.

 

it seemed like there was no ligth at the end of the tunnel at one point for me, but i can vouch it .. gets.. so much better.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

If anyone still remembers or follows this thread,

i wanted to come back and tell everyone whats been going on in my life. hopefully this gives people hope.

I went strict NC for a while after all this mess. maintained it for sometime, until i got in a really bad motorcycle accident and i was in the ER for a few days. she came to visit me, tried to console me, but after asking her the status of her and the man she cheated on me with, I told her to leave (in a much more condescending and mean way lol). basically to F off. i was able to do this bc of the empowerment i got through NC and realizing how i really deserve better.

 

i met a new girl recently, and shes opened up my eyes to realize that my ex was NOT the one, and that i dont really have a type. she makes me happy and shes nothing like the mold i thought was my ideal girl. we're taking things slow, and im really enjoying my time with her.

 

so essentially, ive moved on, im happy and no longer am in that rut that i was when i was broken here and im finally enjoying life to its fullest again. dont hang onto those who arent willing to do the same with you. thanks for the help when i needed it guys.

 

This is one of the best post I've ever read man. Im glad things are better for you!! LOVE reading stuff like this.

 

Keep your head up man. Keep on keeping on.

[Simon Phoenix]

This might be the most literal definition of "What doesn't kill you will make you stronger" that I've ever read. Good for you for standing your ground and hopefully you've completely cut off every lifeline your ex has. Hope you feel better after the accident and hope things work out with the new girl.

[Feelbettersoon]

Just read this post now, I'm glad things have worked out for you!

[CaliBabe]

Alright! So happy for you!

[SuperGeek]

I've been in this situation where the dumper came back over a year later. I didn't give her the time of day. Granted, I didn't have any kids with this person and I'd already been through most of the pain getting over it. I do'nt know if i would have reacted any different with kids in the picture, but it's hard to say as i haven't experienced it .

 

If she was able to develop feelings for another man and walk away from you and then show up all of a sudden(even after 5 months) that tells me your relationship foundation wasn't that strong to begin with. It also tells me she probably wasnt that into you. (Her little fling is probably over, which is why she's coming back). People put themselves into these situations that allow other relationships to grow on purpose because they are already done with the relationship they are in, but don't have the balls to end it before going out to play.

 

i'd move on if I was you. The trust is gone, she's been with another man. Give the great gift to yourself of starting over fresh with someone new. Give the gift of hard reality to your ex in that she made her decision and now she has to live with it.

 

Edit: I accidently didn't read the whole thread and posted prematurely. I guess the OP made the right choice (in that he moved on). I'll leave my last post here just in case anyone else reads it. Good for you OP!!!

 

SuperGeek

Edited September 16, 2014 by SuperGeek

[mrty]

i just found out the REAL reason why my ex left (took 5 months for her to finally open up) was that she developed feelings for a guy at the end of our relationship.

 

she came back to me saying she misses me, and that she is torn between choosing between him and me. they arent dating, she just likes him apparently.

 

what do i do? when she told me this, i said make up your mind. either him or me. some people think i shouldnt even take her back.

 

i love her so much.. this hurts UNBELIEVABLY bad. i was so sure i had hit rock bottom, but knowing i was lied to for 5 months and played a fool sucks so much.

 

How long were you together, how serious was it? If it was me I would be gone. I don't want to be a downer here but is it possible that this guy isn't sure about her. Something to think about maybe. If it took her 5 months to open up about the break up maybe she's not telling you everything now, that seems fairly likely to me. What ever way you go i wish you all the best and hope it all works out for you. Be careful.

[leesc90]

god dangit ... this story never ends..

 

my ex came back. she called me saying she moved to another state with the guy she cheated on me with a few weeks ago, but has been thinking about me every day for weeks and cant shake this feeling. she wants to move back and get back together with me. i realized i havent really moved on.. dangit.

 

this new girl is awesome, but its just not the same.. what do i do?

[Zahara]

Why isn't she blocked or why have you unblocked her? Why are you accessible to her? The story never ends because you don't want it to end.

 

The guy and her aren't working out and she's now trying to slither her way into a back-up plan. Same BS, different day since June 28 when you first posted!

 

You now realize you haven't really moved on? SMH.

 

Let the amazing girl go. Block the ex. Heal from this. Once and for all.

Edited September 25, 2014 by Zahara

[BC1980]

god dangit ... this story never ends..

 

my ex came back. she called me saying she moved to another state with the guy she cheated on me with a few weeks ago, but has been thinking about me every day for weeks and cant shake this feeling. she wants to move back and get back together with me. i realized i havent really moved on.. dangit.

 

this new girl is awesome, but its just not the same.. what do i do?

 

You really believe her? You can really forgive her and trust her again? Really?

 

Zahara is right. You have just as much power as she does to make it end. She doesn't get to have the only say unless you allow it.

[Simon Phoenix]

Jesus Christ dude. Why the hell haven't you blocked her? Seriously, after all of this you allow this? I'd smack you with a baseball bat if I could. If you fall for this you have to be one of the most foolish people on this planet.

[Zahara]

Stop dragging this "awesome girl" through your mess. If you want to f*** up your life with this mess then have at it. Just let the girl go and do whatever it is you want with the cheater. Absolutely selfish what you're doing -- I just realized I haven't moved on! Unbelievable. And there you have a woman investing her time, effort and emotions into you and little does she know you're strung up on some ex that treated you like shytt.

Edited September 25, 2014 by Zahara