FortunateSon Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 OP, I have made this mistake and it SUCKS. Don't make this mistake yourself, forget about this woman, and find someone you can trust. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 Also, one last thing; "boo hoo the other guy dumped me so I now need you back for emotional comfort" is almost the oldest trick in the book, seriously. ... and frankly, insulting to your intelligence. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Michael 93 Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 So, this is the thing... She opened herself up emotionally to another a man. It's not like she walked down the street one day and per chance this huge a$$ love meteor hit her and knocked her over and she dusted off her knees and got up "Oh my..I'm suddenly pining for another man!" No. No, No, No, and NO. Regardless of what people who are either incredibly self-unaware or just full of bull**** say, it really didn't "just happen". You open a door emotionally and you follow a feeling. That is how people fall in love and catch feelings whether in a relationship or single. You have to be open for it to happen and each time you allow yourself to spend a little more time, to talk a little bit more, to sit and fawn a little bitty bit over that other person is a time you are saying "yes". Now, the kick ass people of the world are only human. They may find themselves in a situation where they are drawn to someone, or attracted, etc. while already in a relationship/marriage. You know what those kick ass people do? They don't give in and foster those feelings. They acknowledge them and then they slam the door the F shut. If that means not putting themselves in certain situations, that's what it means. If it means not having "friendly drinks" and spending hours laughing and opening up to someone who is not their partner? That's what it means. They are mature and wise enough to not open the door and go sprinting off down the yellow brick road. They are committed and they take their commitment seriously. This is the kind of woman you want, not the one you had who has already proven she gets her happy little ass flying down that rabbit hole. You can't trust her, she doesn't know how to be trustworthy or honor her commitments. If you think it hurt to have this happen once, how would it feel next time? Also, one last thing; "boo hoo the other guy dumped me so I now need you back for emotional comfort" is almost the oldest trick in the book, seriously. I have been looking for something like this ever since I have joined this site. My God that is an excellent explanation. I was wondering about that so much. thank you for clearing it up. Brilliant advice. Mike @hoping2heal Link to post Share on other sites
Author leesc90 Posted July 24, 2014 Author Share Posted July 24, 2014 I appreciate all the advice given. I wouldnt be where i am without you guys. She left him because she had deep feelings for me, couldn’t get over some issues with him, and because she didn’t feel ready to be in a relationship with him. She came back to me and wants to take things slow. To be dating each other for a while and build a new relationship. Its difficult for me, because I love her so. She broke up with her ex who is constantly begging for her back, and so its hard and we’re in a weird position. But I may disappoint many of you, but I am in the process of reconciling this and trying to make this work. But at a very slow pace. I care for her deeply, I don’t think things will be the same. And I will forever regret it if I didn’t try this time. Its kind of hard because we used to be so attached, so a part of me still wants that, but i know its best to take thigns slow because rushing into things so soon after she just broke up with her rebound would be unfair to her and a bad idea. this is all very stressful and chaotic.. Link to post Share on other sites
johnson_j Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 Lee, let me tell you about my ex. We were together things were great, blah blah you know the story. She went away for a number of days and when she returns after two days she's suddenly cold, crying, stressed. Suddenly tells me "we can't be together" only for me to find out it's another guy. Well about 6 weeks go by with LC and she wants to meet up, the sparks fly again, she wanted to take things slow and reconnect. I still had feelings for her so I decided "What the hell why not". Things were great for a period of weeks and then suddenly she gets confused, cold, distant again. Goes to see other guy again. Then it was back to square one. So this time I told her "Good luck with him" only for her to say she doesn't want him, but she can't be with me, and doesn't know what she wants. It was a tough pill to swallow. I hope you don't get the same medicine. Link to post Share on other sites
dumbass2 Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 Understand that you have lost all respect in her eyes and I'm not sure how you will be able to go about getting that back. It is just a worse case scenario for an ex coming back to you. Another type of situation and maybe you can do it, but you have to understand that you will not be able to trust her again and it will eat at you constantly and affect the relationship. There is no way around it. I'll tell you one thing you must do if you are going to do this. Right now stop feeling about what is best for her. You care about her and she does not care about you. You have to man up and let her win you back and stop caving into her. You will not get respect back that way and it will never work for sure. You should look at this as your chance to show her you have your balls back. Be a man, not a doormat! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Saxonhook Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 Lee to be fair to u after reading all of this you are an inspiration to myself. I am in a very similar situation I was with someone for 9 yrs we had 2 gorgeous children and was engaged for the last 3 yrs of our relationship. We split up 8 months ago and I found out she had been talking to someone else who she has since started to date. However now she still constantly contacts me about everything, we can't go nc as we have the children and I have to see her at least 3 times a week. We are at a point where last night we both ended up in tears due to still having so many feelings for each other, my head is clear I want her back forget the past and start a fresh. She is really confused but tells me she feels more for me than she does him, we are going to sit and talk about things so she says and hopefully my story ends the same as yours. I've dated 2 people since and still feel she is the only one for me, if this doesn't go as I hope I don't know what I'm going to do as I'm in pieces already scared I could get bad news. Link to post Share on other sites
SoThatHappened Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 this is all very stressful and chaotic.. Not a great way to re-start a relationship. As I said before, never be with someone who can't be alone. She's jumping from guy to guy. I would bet my paycheck she's going to do it again. I've been there. Got together with a girl, things were great for 2 months, she left out of the blue for a former ex of hers. She came back, told me some amazing things (she loves me, wants to spend the rest of her life with me, etc.). That lasted 7 months. Then, literally a few hours after she told me the usual "I love you, I'm so lucky to have you, our connection keeps getting deeper, etc.", she admits to fooling around with a co-worker. I can't stress enough how much you should just run the other way. I had people telling me to run away when I got back with my ex. They were right. You're following your heart. Just know that the chances of this going well are very slim. I don't want it to happen, but you'll likely be posting in the near future about how she broke your heart AGAIN. The best thing you can do is work on yourself, by yourself. At least be careful with your heart. And protect yourself, mentally and in the sack. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 She left him because she had deep feelings for me, couldn’t get over some issues with him, and because she didn’t feel ready to be in a relationship with him. Because is has not been said yet. How does this sentence not contradict itself? Dude wake up!! Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 what is the right move here? The option shouldn't be her decision. She isn't respecting you. You aren't respecting yourself by allowing HER to decide for you. Why didn't you just say "I don't want a gal that can't decide - so it's over"? You need to be done with her since she doesn't make only you her priority. If a gal can't decide - then she's just using you to boost her ego and doesn't really care enough to love you. Think about it - you want her doing this after 10 or 20 years married? She's the type that would do it after a long time together because she thinks she needs better. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 I appreciate all the advice given. I wouldnt be where i am without you guys. She left him because she had deep feelings for me, couldn’t get over some issues with him, and because she didn’t feel ready to be in a relationship with him. She came back to me and wants to take things slow. To be dating each other for a while and build a new relationship. Its difficult for me, because I love her so. She broke up with her ex who is constantly begging for her back, and so its hard and we’re in a weird position. But I may disappoint many of you, but I am in the process of reconciling this and trying to make this work. But at a very slow pace. I care for her deeply, I don’t think things will be the same. And I will forever regret it if I didn’t try this time. Its kind of hard because we used to be so attached, so a part of me still wants that, but i know its best to take thigns slow because rushing into things so soon after she just broke up with her rebound would be unfair to her and a bad idea. this is all very stressful and chaotic.. Sigh.... I'm sorry man, but this is going to come off harsh. You're being used. HARD. Stevie Wonder locked in a bomb shelter can see that she is only coming back to you because it failed with new guy. You look incredibly weak and she knows this. That's why she came back. You're familiar and a fall back plan. She doesn't care about you as much as you want her to or think she does. She came back because she loved you too much?!? If that isnt the biggest load of horse s*** Ive ever heard. If she "loved" you so much, she wouldnt have left to begin with. This is very common. As sure as the sun rises and sets, she WILL do this again. You'll always be the backup until something better comes along. You have zero respect in her eyes. Quit being the dog who barks at every command. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author leesc90 Posted July 24, 2014 Author Share Posted July 24, 2014 UPDATE she just dumped me again. she said she's too emotionally unstable to be in a relationship or even just dating and she needs to be alone for a while. she wants to be friends for now. how can someone change their mind like that so fast... literally last night we were looking forward to our date on Friday. I'm fking torn so torn. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 UPDATE she just dumped me again. she said she's too emotionally unstable to be in a relationship or even just dating and she needs to be alone for a while. she wants to be friends for now. how can someone change their mind like that so fast... literally last night we were looking forward to our date on Friday. I'm fking torn so torn. She can change it that quickly because she isn't and was never as emotionally invested as you were. Maybe she was at one point, but she isn't anymore. These people thrive on having someone like you always being there in the background. You are like the old, trusty guy they can go back to because you are always there, waiting with your life on hold. It has been said a million times on LS, but always look at a person's actions as a predictor for the future. She can say anything she wants, but her actions will tell the real story. Time and time gain, her actions have shown her not to be invested. I will bet money she has gone back to the other guy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FortunateSon Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 UPDATE she just dumped me again. she said she's too emotionally unstable to be in a relationship or even just dating and she needs to be alone for a while. she wants to be friends for now. how can someone change their mind like that so fast... literally last night we were looking forward to our date on Friday. I'm fking torn so torn. Don't be surprised if she is in another relationship within the next month or two... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SoThatHappened Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 Don't be surprised if she is in another relationship within the next month or two... She's probably in one now, which is why she left. She's a vine-swinger. Well, her definition of "relationship" is probably different than those who are normal and healthy. We told ya, leesc. Don't beat yourself up. I did the same exact thing you did. What you MUST do now is cut each and every tie with this girl. Become a ghost while you improve your life (physically, emotionally, mentally, etc.) Do everything you can to be around friends. Go camping, fishing, bar-hopping, bbq's, golfing, rafting, etc. Like the movie "Yes Man" do everything possible (that's good for you, of course). DO NOT CONTACT HER. Again, your middle name is now going to be "ghost." You are now free. Free to do whatever you want. You now know what to avoid in the future. I wouldn't date until you're ready. I jumped into dating a really great girl while my heart was still broken from the previous ex. I wasn't my normal self and there wasn't any spark at all. She really wanted there to be something, but I was emotionally unavailable. I tried making things work, but ended up pushing her away because I wasn't ready to date. Don't do that. Improve your self and life in every way possible. Oh, and don't contact her! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author leesc90 Posted July 24, 2014 Author Share Posted July 24, 2014 i really dont think shes vine hopping.. then again i might be wrong. but it does truly seem that she wants to find that peace in her heart and be away from all the chaos that relationships has brought her. but what do i know right? ive been a damn fool. she wants to be friends. thats probably a terrible idea yeah? but what if she wants to date later after being friends Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 she wants to be friends. thats probably a terrible idea yeah? but what if she wants to date later after being friends OP, I was reading your thread. What haven't you learned from 12 pages of advice? What if? Focus on NOW. What's being presented now. What if you remained friends and stayed emotionally affected for a year and she started dating someone else? Forget what if. And if she wanted you, friends or not, even if you were on another planet, she'd make it known to you. Stop grasping at straws. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 UPDATE she just dumped me again. she said she's too emotionally unstable to be in a relationship or even just dating and she needs to be alone for a while. she wants to be friends for now. how can someone change their mind like that so fast... literally last night we were looking forward to our date on Friday. I'm fking torn so torn. I'm sorry this happened to you. It's important you be aware that the writing was on the wall the whole time, you just didn't want to see it. To quote my previous post "If it hurt this time, how will it feel next time?" She is not trustworthy. It doesn't matter what the circumstances are - once a person PROVES beyond a doubt that they are not trustworthy, then you are holding a grenade to your heart and the countdown is on for when that sucker will detonate again. You have an emotional attachment to her and so naturally you want her back, you want to believe it's different with her, but it isn't. Despite the whimsical little advice to "follow your heart" the heart can mislead you so it's wise to let your head have an opinion too. No matter what the heart says, once someone is untrustworthy it's broken and done. You can put yourself through heartache after heartache trying to find the time it "works" and you'll just come up empty handed and more wounded than you were at the start. You have to be honest with yourself about who people are and what their capable of based on their actions and behavior and use that to base your decisions. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 UPDATE she just dumped me again. she said she's too emotionally unstable to be in a relationship or even just dating and she needs to be alone for a while. she wants to be friends for now. how can someone change their mind like that so fast... literally last night we were looking forward to our date on Friday. I'm fking torn so torn. Because she was never serious about it in the first place and has very little respect for you. I mean, you just gave an ultimatum, she comes back and you are sitting there like a lost puppy hoping to be chosen? I doubt you've always been this spineless, but damn dude, you are making yourself out to be such a weakling. This woman does not respect you and will not give you what you want because you don't have the strength and self-respect to make her do so. She doesn't have to give you a thing because you are so eager for her table scraps. Why would she give you what you want when she doesn't have to give you anything to get her needs fulifilled. And being friends would be an unbelievably moronic thing for you to do. I know I'm being harsh, but damn, you've had 12 pages of great advice and here you are, begging for table scraps again with no self-respect. Maybe you need this girl to whack you on the head with a 2x4 the next time she "dumps" you. Maybe that will finally get your thick skull operating correctly again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 i dont know.. i feel like talking is necessary for me. maybe it isnt, but theres 5 months of lying ive been built up inside with... Talking or yelling? I would say this is one of those occasions where yelling is okay. As long as it isn't followed by guilt and the overwhelming desire to be understood and get back together with the person that treated you like Plan B during five months. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 i really dont think shes vine hopping.. then again i might be wrong. but it does truly seem that she wants to find that peace in her heart and be away from all the chaos that relationships has brought her. Not that it really matters, but have you been finding that your instincts about her have been right on target all the time? she wants to be friends. thats probably a terrible idea yeah? I think you know the answer to this... but what if she wants to date later after being friends Aaaaargh! Dude, it's time for the 2x4 to the side of the head! If nothing else, answer this: "If it hurt this time, how will it feel next time?" That feeling of the heroin flowing in your bloodstream is awesome, but the withdrawal is a bitch... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author leesc90 Posted July 24, 2014 Author Share Posted July 24, 2014 its so easy when circumstances change, or new details emerge. or sometimes i just forget because im dumb. there is no giong back to this huh Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 its so easy when circumstances change, or new details emerge. or sometimes i just forget because im dumb. there is no giong back to this huh Why the hell would you want to? Seriously, do you enjoy being banged against the wall like a tennis ball? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SoThatHappened Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 i really dont think shes vine hopping.. then again i might be wrong. but it does truly seem that she wants to find that peace in her heart and be away from all the chaos that relationships has brought her. but what do i know right? ive been a damn fool. she wants to be friends. thats probably a terrible idea yeah? but what if she wants to date later after being friends You didn't take anyone's advice earlier when we said to not get back together with her. Look how that turned out. Please take the advice now. Do NOT be friends with her. She will continue to string you along, and you'll continue to lose more and more of her respect. You may "get her back" when her Plan A falls through, but you'll just get dumped again. Almost a guarantee. The ONLY thing you should do is completely disappear. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 its so easy when circumstances change, or new details emerge. or sometimes i just forget because im dumb. there is no giong back to this huh It's been the same ole' rollercoaster so there's really no changing in circumstances or new details emerging. Just the same up and down insane cycle. You're not dumb. Just desperate and in denial. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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