Dumper came back, but is choosing between me and new man

[leesc90]

there hasnt been one person on this thread that has said it might work one day. i guess it really is hopeless.

 

i am the epitome of a hopeless romantic

[Zahara]

there hasnt been one person on this thread that has said it might work one day. i guess it really is hopeless.

 

i am the epitome of a hopeless romantic

 

SHE is showing you that it isn't working. Wake up.

[Simon Phoenix]

there hasnt been one person on this thread that has said it might work one day. i guess it really is hopeless.

 

i am the epitome of a hopeless romantic

 

No, your self-confidence and self-esteem is just so far down the toilet that you don't know down from up. Which is why you really should take the advice that's being given to you. Honestly, one day you are going to look back and want to slap yourself in the face for how much you've let this woman walk all over you. But we need to get you to that day first.

 

Being a "hopeless romantic" is not the same thing as being a "spineless wuss". Unfortunately, this situation has made you into the latter, at least temporarily.

[No Limit]

but what if she wants to date later after being friends

 

She will want to date. Other men, that is.

 

May I ask what, have you written or responded to her already in any way or form...?

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

there hasnt been one person on this thread that has said it might work one day. i guess it really is hopeless.

 

i am the epitome of a hopeless romantic

 

Hopeless romantic is a mile away from what it is now.

 

Sadly, many of thus saw this coming a mile away. It sucks, but it get worse if you dwell on it. Keep moving forward.

[leesc90]

i have yet to respond.. we plan to talk after she gets off work.

 

if she indeed is being honest and wants to be single.. would that play into an exception at all? or is the 100%, no questions, absolute best thing to do to move on?

 

the reason i am the way i am is not because of my confidence, rather how much i value our relationship. it sucks its one sided, but i always hold onto the hope she'll see it to.

[dreamingoftigers]

So, this is the thing...

 

She opened herself up emotionally to another a man. It's not like she walked down the street one day and per chance this huge a$$ love meteor hit her and knocked her over and she dusted off her knees and got up "Oh my..I'm suddenly pining for another man!" No. No, No, No, and NO.

 

Regardless of what people who are either incredibly self-unaware or just full of bull**** say, it really didn't "just happen". You open a door emotionally and you follow a feeling. That is how people fall in love and catch feelings whether in a relationship or single. You have to be open for it to happen and each time you allow yourself to spend a little more time, to talk a little bit more, to sit and fawn a little bitty bit over that other person is a time you are saying "yes".

 

Now, the kick ass people of the world are only human. They may find themselves in a situation where they are drawn to someone, or attracted, etc. while already in a relationship/marriage. You know what those kick ass people do? They don't give in and foster those feelings. They acknowledge them and then they slam the door the F shut. If that means not putting themselves in certain situations, that's what it means. If it means not having "friendly drinks" and spending hours laughing and opening up to someone who is not their partner? That's what it means. They are mature and wise enough to not open the door and go sprinting off down the yellow brick road. They are committed and they take their commitment seriously.

 

This is the kind of woman you want, not the one you had who has already proven she gets her happy little ass flying down that rabbit hole. You can't trust her, she doesn't know how to be trustworthy or honor her commitments. If you think it hurt to have this happen once, how would it feel next time?

 

Also, one last thing; "boo hoo the other guy dumped me so I now need you back for emotional comfort" is almost the oldest trick in the book, seriously.

 

In April, my husband and I hit the rocks bad. As in, he was moving bad. It looked done and done for me.

 

We agreed we would wrap-up at one more MC session.

 

During that time a guy at work threw his hat in the ring. He was friendly etc. I thought about it. He was okay, friendly, alright-looking etc. I thought maybe it would be a nice diversion as it didn't seem to be anything serious.

 

I was very frank about the fact that I was not free right at the moment. My husband was still living at home and even though he would be moving, it wasn't a done deal and I didn't want to go outside the marriage and I didn't expect him to wait around or be interested when there came a time when I would be free.

 

Even at the rock bottom of my marriage, I also knew I had to keep the priority on my daughter etc. during that time instead of trying to escape into some temporary *cough* companionship.

 

Turns out that "last session" of MC, husband and I made a major breakthrough.

 

If I would have gone down the path of diversion and cultivated any type of dalliance with the other guy, I would be really hurting or hurting someone else. Screw that. Don't play games. I shouldn't have left myself open enough to be hit on as intensely as it was. I give myself credit for not stepping out. But I shouldn't have left myself open so much either.

 

It wouldn't have been a good idea anyway. Plus, I wasn't really compatible on a lot of fronts with the other guy either. I don't say this as a "well if he was 'better' for me then it is okay." I said it as: "we don't date/screw the best people for us when we are feeling vulnerable to loneliness." We need to be stronger and more comfortable with being by ourselves or comfortable with the feelings that come with risking losing someone before we should be having even casual encounters. Often those things open up doors that are hard to shut again.

 

It was a really easy mental escape at the time. I mean, I really thought about it/looked forward to it after surviving a long dry spell in my marriage. I thought it could be the start of "the next chapter." But it would have been a diversion from the next chapter, adding another emotional complication in what would have been an already emotionally complicated situation. Don't let a breakup change the standards of who you are or what you'll accept.

 

If you see that you wouldn't sign up for a new relationship where you end up on the back-burner, don't sign up for an old relationship that does just that.

[dreamingoftigers]

Sigh....

 

I'm sorry man, but this is going to come off harsh.

 

You're being used. HARD. Stevie Wonder locked in a bomb shelter can see that she is only coming back to you because it failed with new guy. You look incredibly weak and she knows this. That's why she came back. You're familiar and a fall back plan. She doesn't care about you as much as you want her to or think she does. She came back because she loved you too much?!? If that isnt the biggest load of horse s*** Ive ever heard. If she "loved" you so much, she wouldnt have left to begin with. This is very common. As sure as the sun rises and sets, she WILL do this again. You'll always be the backup until something better comes along. You have zero respect in her eyes.

 

Quit being the dog who barks at every command.

 

Just for the record: most annoying bomb shelter ever.

[Simon Phoenix]

i have yet to respond.. we plan to talk after she gets off work.

 

if she indeed is being honest and wants to be single.. would that play into an exception at all? or is the 100%, no questions, absolute best thing to do to move on?

 

the reason i am the way i am is not because of my confidence, rather how much i value our relationship. it sucks its one sided, but i always hold onto the hope she'll see it to.

 

She won't see it if you keep hanging around like a orbiting fool. Ask yourself, if a friend of yours had a situation like yours and was acting as delusionally obtuse as you are, what would be your advice to him?

 

You need to stop talking to her. You can't handle talking to her. She could tell you the sky is green and the ocean is red and you'd believe it right now.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

i have yet to respond.. we plan to talk after s. Kt gets off work.

 

if she indeed is being honest and wants to be single.. would that play into an exception at all? or is the 100%, no questions, absolute best thing to do to move on?

 

the reason i am the way i am is not because of my confidence, rather how much i value our relationship. it sucks its one sided, but i always hold onto the hope she'll see it to.

 

Dude.....

 

 

I dont know how many times people are going to tell you the same thing before you listen.

 

Its done. If she wanted to be with you, she would. She DEFINATLY would have not left if she wanted to be with you. Until you see any of that, you'll be like this.

 

Whats there to talk about?!?! She already told you what's up. You'll just (again) look like a weak puppy dog. But, since you haven't really taken our advice before, I wouldn't suggest you would now.

[dreamingoftigers]

tan

UPDATE

 

she just dumped me again. she said she's too emotionally unstable to be in a relationship or even just dating and she needs to be alone for a while.

 

she wants to be friends for now.

 

how can someone change their mind like that so fast... literally last night we were looking forward to our date on Friday. I'm fking torn

 

so torn.

 

i really dont think shes vine hopping.. then again i might be wrong. but it does truly seem that she wants to find that peace in her heart and be away from all the chaos that relationships has brought her.

 

but what do i know right? ive been a damn fool.

 

she wants to be friends. thats probably a terrible idea yeah? but what if she wants to date later after being friends

 

its so easy when circumstances change, or new details emerge. or sometimes i just forget because im dumb.

 

there is no giong back to this huh

 

there hasnt been one person on this thread that has said it might work one day. i guess it really is hopeless.

 

i am the epitome of a hopeless romantic

 

i have yet to respond.. we plan to talk after she gets off work.

 

if she indeed is being honest and wants to be single.. would that play into an exception at all? or is the 100%, no questions, absolute best thing to do to move on?

 

the reason i am the way i am is not because of my confidence, rather how much i value our relationship. it sucks its one sided, but i always hold onto the hope she'll see it to.

 

Hi Leesc90.

 

I have behaved similarly to you in the past although the circumstance was a bit different

 

It's like there's this hope that if you could just talk to her she would understand what it was doing to you for her to treat you like this and that you still love her and if she would just work with you through this, you could sort it all out.

 

But then she disappears or can't make up her mind so you don't get a chance to sort it. So you wait for her to get her footing. She does for a bit, then the cycle just repeats.

 

You are so worried about how she's feeling that you aren't taking care of how you are feeling. In fact, you are having trouble taking care of yourself because you are so wrapped up in what she is thinking.

 

I had to go to a therapist to help me figure out that most of the pain I was feeling wasn't even because I was alone or because of what my husband was doing, it was because I was ignoring how I was feeling in favor of what he was doing. And even when I was alone enough to feel my own feelings, I wouldn't give myself any compassion or care with them.

 

Think of a small child, when you see them screaming in pain, you comfort them.

It's like you see her as a sympathetic character struggling with her own pain and issues and you want to comfort her.

But what about you? You are in pain from being treated like dirt, rejected, being strung along and lied to.

What if you saw a small boy that was being cruelly rejected by his mother, lied to actively, shut-out and being told "I think I like this other boy better, but I am not sure?" You'd be appalled, I'm sure. Wouldn't you just feel terrible for the kid? Hell, if you're half of the caretaker you seem to be you would probably want to take the kid home and let him know he was a great kid and you'd play some ball with him or something. I mean if it was legal and all.

 

Granted this woman isn't your mother and you aren't a small boy at all. But what we adults often fail to realize is that neurologically and emotionally we are often just big kids who want love and acceptance.

This woman isn't going to have the same psychological impact as being actively rejected by a mother during the formative years, BUT it can still be substantial. And clearly it IS.

 

So what are you doing to acknowledge your own feelings?

 

How does being rejected over and over by someone make YOU feel?

What is it you miss about her?

What is real about your connection and what isn't?

 

I think that you are entertaining a very inaccurate fantasy about who you think she is and what she is capable of at this point. She doesn't sound stable enough for a friendship even. And since she isn't sorting out her own feelings in any stable manner, she is someone you can't trust when she thinks she may be left alone.

She may not realize it or realize that it is wrong, but she clearly keeps people around in case she is in need of comfort and plays at being committed when she is clearly not.

It doesn't mean that she's a "bad person" or a "b*tch." But it does mean that she hasn't been convicted on acting in a way that is ridiculously hurtful to you. She can make you feel good or bad if you let her. The way to let her make you feel bad is to hitch any hopes to her whatsoever. I mean, does she have a track record of coming through for you? Is she trustworthy? Truly?

 

Stop watching who she is and how "wonderful" she is and how big your emotions are for her. Watch what she does. That's the best predictor for how she WILL make you feel in the future.

 

If being second-best makes you feel great now, it will probably make you feel good in the future.

 

I doubt that it does though. I bet it makes you feel like crap and that your love has dwindled somewhat. How much more outright rejection and other relationships can your love survive?

 

If you say "infinite." I would challenge you that it isn't love, but dependency and a way to distract you from going through the grief that you know would deliver you stronger with a better chance of a happier relationship in the future.

 

Being pain and grief avoidant is the surest way to end up with a ton of grief and pain.

[dreamingoftigers]

You even insult yourself here.

 

Did you have to take care of people's emotions and confusions when you were growing up?

Did people say that you were dumb? Or were you made to feel dumb? I always wonder when I see that.

[BC1980]

i have yet to respond.. we plan to talk after she gets off work.

 

if she indeed is being honest and wants to be single.. would that play into an exception at all? or is the 100%, no questions, absolute best thing to do to move on?

 

the reason i am the way i am is not because of my confidence, rather how much i value our relationship. it sucks its one sided, but i always hold onto the hope she'll see it to.

 

No, her saying she wants to be single does not make any exception. I can guarantee that she is only single because she hasn't found anyone she wants to be with yet, not out of some righteous notion to be single and find herself.

 

I get that you value the relationship, but you value it over yourself. You place very little value on what would be best for you as an individual. What would be best for you is not compatible with being in any type of relationship with her. She had made it plain that she does not want to be with you, so the best course of action is to step away and regroup. You stick around on the off chance that she will spontaneously combust into a completely different person. How is that fair to you? You can't make her see the value of the relationship as you see it.

[FortunateSon]

tan

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hi Leesc90.

 

I have behaved similarly to you in the past although the circumstance was a bit different

 

It's like there's this hope that if you could just talk to her she would understand what it was doing to you for her to treat you like this and that you still love her and if she would just work with you through this, you could sort it all out.

 

But then she disappears or can't make up her mind so you don't get a chance to sort it. So you wait for her to get her footing. She does for a bit, then the cycle just repeats.

 

You are so worried about how she's feeling that you aren't taking care of how you are feeling. In fact, you are having trouble taking care of yourself because you are so wrapped up in what she is thinking.

 

I had to go to a therapist to help me figure out that most of the pain I was feeling wasn't even because I was alone or because of what my husband was doing, it was because I was ignoring how I was feeling in favor of what he was doing. And even when I was alone enough to feel my own feelings, I wouldn't give myself any compassion or care with them.

 

Think of a small child, when you see them screaming in pain, you comfort them.

It's like you see her as a sympathetic character struggling with her own pain and issues and you want to comfort her.

But what about you? You are in pain from being treated like dirt, rejected, being strung along and lied to.

What if you saw a small boy that was being cruelly rejected by his mother, lied to actively, shut-out and being told "I think I like this other boy better, but I am not sure?" You'd be appalled, I'm sure. Wouldn't you just feel terrible for the kid? Hell, if you're half of the caretaker you seem to be you would probably want to take the kid home and let him know he was a great kid and you'd play some ball with him or something. I mean if it was legal and all.

 

Granted this woman isn't your mother and you aren't a small boy at all. But what we adults often fail to realize is that neurologically and emotionally we are often just big kids who want love and acceptance.

This woman isn't going to have the same psychological impact as being actively rejected by a mother during the formative years, BUT it can still be substantial. And clearly it IS.

 

So what are you doing to acknowledge your own feelings?

 

How does being rejected over and over by someone make YOU feel?

What is it you miss about her?

What is real about your connection and what isn't?

 

I think that you are entertaining a very inaccurate fantasy about who you think she is and what she is capable of at this point. She doesn't sound stable enough for a friendship even. And since she isn't sorting out her own feelings in any stable manner, she is someone you can't trust when she thinks she may be left alone.

She may not realize it or realize that it is wrong, but she clearly keeps people around in case she is in need of comfort and plays at being committed when she is clearly not.

It doesn't mean that she's a "bad person" or a "b*tch." But it does mean that she hasn't been convicted on acting in a way that is ridiculously hurtful to you. She can make you feel good or bad if you let her. The way to let her make you feel bad is to hitch any hopes to her whatsoever. I mean, does she have a track record of coming through for you? Is she trustworthy? Truly?

 

Stop watching who she is and how "wonderful" she is and how big your emotions are for her. Watch what she does. That's the best predictor for how she WILL make you feel in the future.

 

If being second-best makes you feel great now, it will probably make you feel good in the future.

 

I doubt that it does though. I bet it makes you feel like crap and that your love has dwindled somewhat. How much more outright rejection and other relationships can your love survive?

 

If you say "infinite." I would challenge you that it isn't love, but dependency and a way to distract you from going through the grief that you know would deliver you stronger with a better chance of a happier relationship in the future.

 

Being pain and grief avoidant is the surest way to end up with a ton of grief and pain.

OP, I went through a similar situation, this one of the best posts I have read on this forum. Please read it thoroughly and take it to heart.

[lolablue17]

i have yet to respond.. we plan to talk after she gets off work.

 

if she indeed is being honest and wants to be single.. would that play into an exception at all? or is the 100%, no questions, absolute best thing to do to move on?

 

the reason i am the way i am is not because of my confidence, rather how much i value our relationship. it sucks its one sided, but i always hold onto the hope she'll see it to.

 

Do you want an advice?

 

Don't talk to her today after she gets off work. Cancel it! Tell her some excuse by text and don't talk to her. avoid talking to her from now on, for at least a month.

 

Dont tell her why, she doesn't deserve it. let her be doubtful about it. text her you're busy and go NC.

 

At least that way you will get your dignity back. she might disappear for ever, or knocking at your door at 2 a.m crying begging you to take her back. both are better than what's going on right now.

[7yearsbroken]

Lee, your 24 right? I'm 28 same thing happened to me. You have four years before you get to where I'm at. I've read everyone's wonderful posts, and there are many Gems there man. We all been there though, we all hold onto the hope and ignore the advice. We will later look back and truly understand as we learn to accept the TRUTH.

 

It's been a year since she chose the other guy. I went NC. I wonder if they are still together. All the mistakes you made are ok. They are your lessons now. Try to look for the silver lining in this experience, the lesson learned from the pain. It is far from over. After a year I'm still moping, and figuring things out. You don't need to do that. Well, you can but really everyone speaks the truth here.. Going complete no contact, finding yourself, evolving and moving on is the only way.

 

Nice guys like us always suffer.. Because we allow it. Be bold and give up on the one thing you were sure would never hurt you, give up on the hope things will go back to the past paradise you once experienced. You must go it alone.. And life will carry on.

 

I'm having trouble accepting to be honest. You would never see the betrayal, dishonesty, cowardice.. Etc until it's impossible to ignore. Then comes the denying and pleading.. Just to end in silence. Cold acceptance. No answers,no explanation.

 

From my understanding when a heart breaks, it never breaks even. You know how you feel, pretty crappy right? Well if you stay around her or think about her any more it only gets worse, never better. Both of you guys need to stay clear, reflect, accept the past and then give it another try if there's any hope left.

 

I'm sticking to NC knowing she's with someone else and I know I deserve better. But I'm also doing NC to prove that she never cared, or one day she may come back.. Hopefully that day I would have become someone different also so we could REALLY give it another shot. How can it ever work if both of you guys are the same person? In other words, it's over. Really. Both parties need a makeover before a REAL winning chance to making it work. Very slim chances there..

 

Best wishes I know you have a whole life ahead of you man.

[lil hoodlum]

Man o man, what a freakin' rollercoaster.

 

 

Leesc90, it's not so much that she wants to be single, she just doesn't want to be with you.

 

 

So sorry, you really need to open your eyes as to what is going on with this broad.

[leesc90]

thank you all for standing by me when I'm letting my heart get the best of me. she admitted to me that she still has feelings for him as well and that's why she doesn't want to date me. but she doesn't want to date him bc she has feelings for me.

 

it's all a mess.. she wants to be friends, and it was difficult for he but she agreed she'd stop talking to him and tell him so. she was sad to do that.

 

I'm really a mess through all this.. I think it's time to just let this ship sail..

 

but then I wonder if it's still able to be saved and a happy ending waits at the end. most likely the latter is a unlikely fantasy

[Leigh 87]

i have yet to respond.. we plan to talk after she gets off work.

 

if she indeed is being honest and wants to be single.. would that play into an exception at all? or is the 100%, no questions, absolute best thing to do to move on?

 

the reason i am the way i am is not because of my confidence, rather how much i value our relationship. it sucks its one sided, but i always hold onto the hope she'll see it to.

 

 

 

 

If you were the right man for her, she wouldn't want to be single. Plain and simple.

[Simon Phoenix]

thank you all for standing by me when I'm letting my heart get the best of me. she admitted to me that she still has feelings for him as well and that's why she doesn't want to date me. but she doesn't want to date him bc she has feelings for me.

 

it's all a mess.. she wants to be friends, and it was difficult for he but she agreed she'd stop talking to him and tell him so. she was sad to do that.

 

I'm really a mess through all this.. I think it's time to just let this ship sail..

 

but then I wonder if it's still able to be saved and a happy ending waits at the end. most likely the latter is a unlikely fantasy

 

No more talking dude. It's time for you to be gone and stay gone. She's definitely going to keep contacting you because she sees you as an easy mark. You have to stop falling for it though. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. You're on fool me five or six right now.

 

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. You've been quite insane. But you don't have to continue to be insane. It's time for you to step up and, forgive the cliche, be a man. No more being a cowering, spineless little wuss.

[lil hoodlum]

thank you all for standing by me when I'm letting my heart get the best of me. she admitted to me that she still has feelings for him as well and that's why she doesn't want to date me. but she doesn't want to date him bc she has feelings for me.

 

it's all a mess.. she wants to be friends, and it was difficult for he but she agreed she'd stop talking to him and tell him so. she was sad to do that.

 

I'm really a mess through all this.. I think it's time to just let this ship sail..

 

but then I wonder if it's still able to be saved and a happy ending waits at the end. most likely the latter is a unlikely fantasy

 

 

I wonder what flavor of cake she is having.

[Simon Phoenix]

I wonder what flavor of cake she is having.

 

As many as she wants. And the OP doesn't even get a bite.

[leesc90]

sigh... I need to get my **** together

[sly_fly1]

i was in the same situation, my gf left me for someone else. some times you just gotta let them go, like the saying, if you love em set em free n if they come back its meant to be. women are never good at making major decisions and they are never really clear about what they want, they are so emotional that they even believe their own lies. and us men , we have our pros n cons aswell.

 

i took my gf back after the **** she put me through, its been a long time since our break up and our getting back together, and IM JUST NOW starting to feel the spark again.

 

it takes time, and effort. on your part, you need to understand what happend, know what happend. but do not get mad. it happend in the past. and that relationship and all the love and hate are as good as dead. dont bring up the past. but at the same time. make it aware that you got hurt and dont just catter to her every needs and shower her with love right off the bat. take the time you need, and you both have stick it through the storm,. eventually love does rekindle,

 

deep deep down i still hate my gf. but thats deep down. just above that and all the way up. i still love her. and our New relationship, yeah it had a tough start, but were both stronger n now we know were the ones for eachother

 

bite the bullet , because if you say no, it might regret not ever taking the shot in the first place. trust me i know. i was there...

[Simon Phoenix]

OP, I would suggest you reread this entire thread from the beginning. If you do this, you'll see how a) every poster has correctly predicted everything that has happened to this point (well, every poster besides you) and b) how terribly off your "instincts" are and how every impulse you have is terrible.

 

Seriously, I just reread this thread and I literally want to beat you with a crowbar (in a friendly way of course) until you stop living in this fog of delusion and dumbassery and join the rest of the human world. It just makes me sad to see a person play the role of a doormat time and time again.

 

Reread this thread from the beginning. Maybe that will be the eye-opener that will get you out of your fog of lunacy and get you to actually start using that brain of yours. And maybe then you'll stop ignoring the advice in here and actually make a move that doesn't get this entire thread to facepalm and cringe. I mean, you said you were in law school, so I'm doubting you are stupid. You just need to get your mojo back.