Devil's Advocate: Harm in not blocking xAP on Facebook?

[RegretfulAlways]

Ok, I'm probably in denial here, and just feeling vulnerable, but I'd like to pose a theoretical question. If you've ended things with your AP, what is the real harm in NOT blocking, just unfriending, them on Facebook? As part of this latest NC I unfriended him ... but I can't bring myself to block. He also broke two weeks of NC to ask me why the need to unfriend? I haven't responded.

 

I guess my question is, has anyone here succeeded in keeping things relatively NC except for not blocking on FB? What's the real benefit of it? Does blocking actually help you get over them faster?

[Scarlet2]

I haven't been in your situation yet but I don't see what difference the block would make. If it's a self control thing to stop you from contacting him, it's still possible for you to unblock and friend him again with a simple click unless you delete your account and never sign up again. If blocking is to prevent him from contacting you, as long as you are alive, there are plenty of other ways he can contact you if he really wants to.

 

If you want to get over him faster, I think not opening and reading what he sends you will do that.

[whatatangledweb]

The blocking is a way for you not to be hurt by things you may see on his page.

[whichwayisup]

Ok, I'm probably in denial here, and just feeling vulnerable, but I'd like to pose a theoretical question. If you've ended things with your AP, what is the real harm in NOT blocking, just unfriending, them on Facebook? As part of this latest NC I unfriended him ... but I can't bring myself to block. He also broke two weeks of NC to ask me why the need to unfriend? I haven't responded.

 

I guess my question is, has anyone here succeeded in keeping things relatively NC except for not blocking on FB? What's the real benefit of it? Does blocking actually help you get over them faster?

 

What are your reasons not to block him on facebook? If you block him then you can't spy/lurk his page. Are you peaking at all at his account even though you unfriended him?

 

He can contact you through fb. If you want full on NC then make it impossible for him to contact you. It's that simple.

[jwi71]

Ok, I'm probably in denial here, and just feeling vulnerable, but I'd like to pose a theoretical question. If you've ended things with your AP, what is the real harm in NOT blocking, just unfriending, them on Facebook? As part of this latest NC I unfriended him ... but I can't bring myself to block. He also broke two weeks of NC to ask me why the need to unfriend? I haven't responded.

 

I guess my question is, has anyone here succeeded in keeping things relatively NC except for not blocking on FB? What's the real benefit of it? Does blocking actually help you get over them faster?

 

Do you REALLY want to see the pic of them together with happy faces and holding hands? Some comment casually mentioning how great everything is?

[Scorpio Chick]

YES, YES, YES. Was it really love? Sorry to say, probably definitely not.

 

I think it is definitely an out of sight, out of mind thing. I actually cannot believe how quickly I have gotten over the feeling bad, because I actually just deactivated the whole thing. I think Facebook is too much phoniness anyway.

 

Seeing his activity and him being able to see yours is only a matter of steps away from interacting with him again, and that is what you are trying to achieve by going no contact.

 

For me also, it has provided much quicker the perspective that is bound to come a lot of time later, for instance, I see now what a real douchebag he is. He's one of those men that deliberately puts out an image of being Christian, conservative, and a committed married man, when in truth, he just isn't. He shattered an image I had of him for a long, long time.

 

The more time goes on, the more I am able to see this, and keeping tabs on him via Facebook would have stunted that much needed growth. I needed to stop the friendship and EA with him, not work towards it. Complete no contact is the only thing that can achieve that.

[PachucaSunrise]

Ok, I'm probably in denial here, and just feeling vulnerable, but I'd like to pose a theoretical question.

 

If you've ended things with your AP, what is the real harm in NOT blocking, just unfriending, them on Facebook?

 

It's harmful because you're still leaving things 'open' in many different ways:

 

-You can still see him.

-He can still see you.

-You can still see what he likes on mutual friends' pages, and vice-versa.

-You can still see what he posts on mutual friends' pages, and vice-versa.

-You can still message him, and vice-versa.

 

I could go on and on, but I know you know the deal. By not blocking him, the temptation of making any type of contact (even peeking once in a while) still lingers. And as we both know, even checking up on his page every now and then BREAKS NC. It's just not healthy, if making a clean break is your ultimate goal. I kinda get the sense that you're not exactly ready for that at the moment. Are you?

 

As part of this latest NC I unfriended him ... but I can't bring myself to block. He also broke two weeks of NC to ask me why the need to unfriend? I haven't responded.

 

This is a perfect example of how not blocking him continues to leave an open line of communication between the two of you. You're still hanging on, and so is he, and this is even more apparent given the fact that he contacted you. The game is still alive and well, and it will remain that way, UNTIL you decide to truly make a clean break and stick with it.

 

I guess my question is, has anyone here succeeded in keeping things relatively NC except for not blocking on FB? What's the real benefit of it? Does blocking actually help you get over them faster?

 

Listen, I know how difficult this is. I have yet to do it myself and it's not doing me any favors. I don't think there's such a thing as 'relatively NC'... It's an all or nothing kind of deal.

 

So, to answer your question, at least from my personal experience, the whole 'not blocking' thing doesn't work. At all. Maybe it's easy for him to see my name pop up here and there, but it's certainly not easy for me the other way around. Maybe I'm not ready, either. Maybe I'm just too stubborn. By blocking him, maybe I think it will appear as though I'm being a bit$h. Or maybe I'm still hanging on to that little piece of rope that continues to dangle...

 

All I do know, without a doubt, is that if you're 100% invested in closing this chapter... If you're TRULY ready to put this experience in your past and move on for good... You need to hit the block button. You can do it.

[RegretfulAlways]

God, you hit it on the head, PachucaSunrise. I don't think I'm ready in my heart of hearts. Ugh.

[RegretfulAlways]

PachucaSunrise - are you still in an A? And/or still connected online? Curious as to what you mean when you say you haven't blocked yet. Are you unfriended though?

[PachucaSunrise]

God, you hit it on the head, PachucaSunrise. I don't think I'm ready in my heart of hearts. Ugh.

 

I didn't think so, or at least it didn't sound that way. Hopefully there will come a time where you won't have to think about it at all... Where you will have gained enough strength to go to his page and press that magic button, walk away, and never look back. But I know just how difficult that is. Following through with the dreaded 'block' is much, much easier said than done.

 

In reality, blocking is the healthiest thing we can do for ourselves and yet we actively choose not to do it... Makes ZERO sense. Why is it so difficult? Because the main purpose of blocking is to put an OFFICIAL end to everything, and the feeling of finality that comes with it is not an easy feeling to confront. I realize there's always that chance of going back and forth, playing the blocking and un-blocking game... But at least for me, if I ever actually follow through with it, I want to be 100% confident that I will never change my mind.

 

PachucaSunrise - are you still in an A? And/or still connected online? Curious as to what you mean when you say you haven't blocked yet. Are you unfriended though?

 

No, it's over. It's been over for close to 4 months now. NC (in terms of actively communicating) for about 2. And no, we're not connected online anymore, either. After D-day, we went back and forth for a while - remaining LC on all social media sites at first, then we both un-friended each other a few times, friend requested each other once again... The typical back and forth/up and down kind of stuff, until he said that being friends on Facebook and seeing my photos would be "too hard" for him (this was at the point when he decided to work things out with his W), and so I un-friended him for the final time, before he had the chance to do it to me. A week or so later, he sent me a message saying that they decided to follow through with the D, but neither of us have friend requested the other since then. So incredibly juvenile, but that's the kind of game we played near the end.

 

So, no, we aren't friends anymore, and neither of us has blocked the other... YET. We have quite a few mutual friends, though, and that's the tough part. I kinda took a break from Facebook for a little while, and because I never blocked him, I was able to see that he pretty much disappeared as well (I peeked). Now that I'm starting to use Facebook again, and because of our mutual friends, I'm able to see he's also back at it. And it's becoming rather difficult to see him popping up in various threads, and even 'liking' some of the same things that I've 'liked'.

 

I thought about completely deleting my profile, but that's just not fair to me. At one time, I really enjoyed it... Especially reconnecting with long lost friends. But it's also not fair for him to have to delete his profile either (and then there are all the other social media sites where we could potentially bump into one another). So, unless one of us finally blocks the other, we're gonna keep crossing paths, even though we don't exchange any words. Is that healthy for me? Absolutely not, but like you, I haven't found the strength to officially block him for good, and at this point in time, I'm too proud to do it. Definitely silly and childish, but I don't want him to think that seeing him bothers me. Such a ridiculous game, and yet I'm still playing it!

 

Honestly, you're never gonna progress to the next step in your healing journey if you keep playing the same game I've been playing. And at this point, I'm pretty much playing this game with myself. It's a complete mind fu$k, and it's keeping me here in limbo-land. The quicker you block him for good, the less time you'll end up wasting going around in circles - which is exactly what I've been doing - and it hasn't helped me one bit.

 

I appreciate you posting this, as it's obviously something I've been struggling with as well. It has also got me doing some serious thinking about closing my own messed up chapter once and for all. Can I do it? Can you? I sure hope so. In my case, if it REALLY does happen, I'm throwing a HUGE party, and you're invited!!

 

Good luck to you! Definitely keep me posted!

[RegretfulAlways]

I really appreciate you sharing your full story, PachucaSunrise. It's good to know I'm not the only one going through this inner torment!

 

When you pointed out that stalking him online BREAKS NC (in your previous post), I realized technically I have NOT been NC since June 9, as I had previously been counting. I stalk every couple of days. So that doesn't give me points toward NC at all, right?

 

In fact I think I'm slipping, big time. It's kind of like when you slip on your exercise regimen and then you just give up entirely - eat crap, sleep in 'til noon, etc. Last night I spent 4 hours listening to music that reminds me of him (yes, full-on admitting I wanted to wallow) AND stalking him online. Fortunately I limited myself to 2 glasses of wine or it could've gotten really ugly.

 

Now I feel like I've taken several steps back.

 

This is my thought process:

 

 

1) Our situation is a little different (or at least that's what I tell myself). It was long distance. We live 200 miles apart and this time around (February through May) we had an online EA only - never saw each other, never spoke on the phone, just communicated via FB and text.** However, we spoke often about getting together when his work travel would bring him here, which sometimes happens. And sex was definitely the mutually intended goal of those get-togethers.

 

2) Strangely, I know it's not right to get back together ... but there's that side of me that says we never got caught, I technically ended it and he'd be there if I wanted him to be (to this day he has not said he would do anything different) ... although his concept of "being there" involves a lot less interaction than I'm happy with. Which was what drove me to end contact this month, actually. I couldn't stand the uncertainty, and the waiting between online communications.

 

3) Which is all to say, and I know I'll catch hell for this on LS but I have to say it, that I am not only NOT wanting to block him but I'm wondering if I should re-friend him. Re-friend but swear to myself that I will not interact with him. Just to see if I can handle it.

 

I know how crazy I sound. I'm really not healed at all, am I? Ugh, I'm crazy. Especially when you read my big caveat, below.

 

**BIG CAVEAT: However, we did have a brief PA several years ago when we lived in the same city and also worked together - I was single and he was newly-married, ugh. I then switched jobs (partly to tear myself away from him) and we simply remained "friends" - which was possible largely because he and his wife moved a few states away several years ago. We became friends on FB about 5 years ago (he initiated it) and until this year our "friendship" consisted of the usual FB interaction with an occasional flirty message once in a blue moon. Then oddly this EA popped up early this year. And yes, I initiated it. But he fully embraced it.

 

So there you have it. How messed up am I?

[MissBee]

Blocking is for those with persistent exAP's and for those who even though they've unfriended still stalk the person's page, thus not really keeping NC and still being stuck by looking at their lives.

 

If when you unfriend that's it and you don't find yourself still stalking their page or if you unfriending them means they no longer contact you, then that is enough. But if it isn't then blocking ups the ante.

 

 

I unfriended one ex, I didn't have to block him as when I unfriended him I no longer saw his updates and all the things that kept me stuck.

[whichwayisup]

Get out there and live your life. Stay off the computer as much as you can since it seems most of your communication was online.

3) Which is all to say, and I know I'll catch hell for this on LS but I have to say it, that I am not only NOT wanting to block him but I'm wondering if I should re-friend him. Re-friend but swear to myself that I will not interact with him. Just to see if I can handle it.

 

Stupidest thing you can do is add him back as a friend. Your A, your friendship is over and there's NO way you can handle it, let alone begin to get over him, detach and grieve the loss as long as you have access to lurk him and stay connected online. that will keep him in your head whereas you should be detaching and in the process of letting go, caring less and focusing on your own life.

 

Honestly, the best thing that could happen now? He blocks you since you can't block him.

[RegretfulAlways]

Stupidest thing you can do is add him back as a friend. Your A, your friendship is over and there's NO way you can handle it, let alone begin to get over him, detach and grieve the loss as long as you have access to lurk him and stay connected online. that will keep him in your head whereas you should be detaching and in the process of letting go, caring less and focusing on your own life.

 

Oh my god you nailed it. That's exactly it. Thanks for splashing cold water on my face - seriously. I really feel like I've been under some sort of weird spell these last 24-48 hours, feeling the addictive desire to contact him again. That's all it was, plain and simple.

 

The other thing I did that really helped was write out a list of all our interactions for the past [x period of time] and circle the times that he made me feel bad, or that I was doing all the work in the A. Looking at it in black and white snapped me out of my 'feeling sorry for him' pathetic fog.

 

Thank you so much for the tough love - I certainly needed it.

[whichwayisup]

You're so welcome!

 

Do it, block him!

[artsygirl78]

In total agreement with the previous posters about blocking - my two cents to add, is specifically in my case, the beginning of our courtship started through fb - he friended me last summer a year after I had first met him when he was not available, but a year later he was single and we quickly started this online courtship - plus I met him through mutual friends, so that without blocking him, I would see his posts on our friends' pages. Really, really dangerous. Mentally and emotionally, it would "feel" like the dynamic had not changed and we were still somehow still attached, even without communication. The beginning of the grieving process, and your path towards healing so that you can be open to meet a wonderful new person, starts with truly letting go and understanding on a fundamental level that your ex and your story with them is now past history. I struggled with complete NC in the beginning but I have to tell you, it has been only a few weeks and although still deeply sad, I am already starting to feel a little better. If I was to chance on a post of his on someone's page, I would unravel all the work I am doing now.

[RegretfulAlways]

Mentally and emotionally, it would "feel" like the dynamic had not changed and we were still somehow still attached, even without communication.

 

Oh, this was so, so true in my case. Just the feeling of being connected made it feel like I was attached to him, and for some reason that felt good. Thanks for putting into words something that I didn't know how to describe. Another reason to make a clean break. Thanks!