I think this time it really is over.

[Realist3]

And it was all my fault, and ultimately my decision.

 

This post is more of a cathartic vent than anything else.

 

Thursday afternoon we were messaging and she tells me not to message or call her because her H would likely have access to her phone. That must have gone in one ear and out the other. The communication system we use shows when a person is connected to accept messages or calls. She was showing on. I messaged her the lyrics to a children's song that had a riddle in it that pertained to us. I immediately get a message back, "Meet me in the usual spot now." At first I thought that was weird because we have several usual spots, and it would never be said like that. The usual would be, "Meet me a 1 in 15. Meet me at 3 in an hour.", and so on. I go to spot 1... nobody there. I go to the rest... nobody there. Of course during this time she was not connected so I couldn't ask her where she was. I was a good bit perturbed. I go home and write a few messages expressing my displeasure. As the evening wore on she still was not connected so I go to sleep angry.

 

At 1:30am I start getting notification after notification. My wife wakes me up and says, would you either get that or turn off your phone." It is not unusual for me to get notifications in the middle of the night because I have many friends that live across the globe, but this was ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, through all three modes of communication we have. So I get up, and sure enough it is her. Her husband saw the children's song lyrics and was the one you made the 'usual spot' response. We live very close together, a little over a mile, and he saw me on the road shortly after sending the message, which to him confirmed "something". Oh crap!

 

The next 2 and a half hours are spent with her ripping into me about how could I be so effing stupid. She must have used the eff word over 100 times and she never uses that word. She claimed to have convinced him that the message was meant to be sent to someone else, and that me driving right after he messaged me back was not proof of anything.

 

The next morning we start back at it and she says she wants to come up with some ideas how to take it further underground to prevent what had taken place from happening again.

 

We get back to each other in the afternoon to discuss our ideas for a few hours. We couldn't reach an agreement, and I finally said, "Let's just end it." And we both agreed.

 

We have had numerous breaks before, but this one is different. There were 'goodbyes', 'I love yous', 'I will miss you so much.' etc... That has never happened before. It also feels different. I past breaks I have felt sadness, a sense of loss, anger, elation, a sense of relief, you name it. This time... nothing. I don't feel a sense of loss, I don't feel relieved not to have to do all the crap we did to hide it... nothing. I would more compare it to finishing a long race that you didn't win, you didn't beat your personal best, you just finished. Maybe some of those things will come in the days and weeks ahead I don't know. Or maybe I have already experienced those feelings several times before that I am numb to it all.

 

I know the chances of this picking up again are fairly high under normal circumstances. I just feel like I'm finished. It ran its course. It was a great run filled with many treasured memories and experiences. But to me we squeezed every ounce of anything to be had out of that relationship,and it was running so smoothly. When her idea was to retract, it just didn't seem worth it to me. I was in too deep to walk backwards. I told her straight up, "What you are proposing would be like torture, and I can't do that. I know her idea was the smart one because no matter how good she thinks she is at convincing him, he is no fool. He had already hired PI's on two different occasions, so it was safe to assume the hoop jumping would have to go to a whole different level.

 

So that's it... I'm done.

[Scorpio Chick]

It's always good to end it for good not based on deceiving and hurting OTHER people, but end it when the logistics of the affair get to be too inconvenient to the parties involved in perpetrating the deception on suspecting or unsuspecting spouses.

[Bittersweetie]

I find it kind of ironic that after your countless posts on how an affair can be carried on if one is careful enough...that yours ultimately ends because of a mistake on your part.

 

However, I think this is best for you, Realist, in the long run...you deserve a full relationship. Not these half relationships you have with your wife and OW. Maybe you can now think more clearly about how to best move forward.

 

Good luck.

[Realist3]

I find it kind of ironic that after your countless posts on how an affair can be carried on if one is careful enough...that yours ultimately ends because of a mistake on your part.

 

However, I think this is best for you, Realist, in the long run...you deserve a full relationship. Not these half relationships you have with your wife and OW. Maybe you can now think more clearly about how to best move forward.

 

Good luck.

 

I know. The thing is she would never show on if her husband was in any way in control of her phone. That is what threw me. Anyway, I am certainly kicking myself. And yes, we do have the means and ability to continue the A, but I just don't want it at the diminished level it would take to evade what will be his certain snooping. The worst thing is that he has a link to my name and her. He obviously knew who I was, but he never put us two together.

 

Forward. I haven't started thinking about that yet. It is still too fresh.

[BetrayedH]

I hope it stays over with. Participating in that mess was bad enough. Now he "knows" and even knows you but he's going to be gaslighted. Ironically, your best case scenario is for that gaslighting to be successful. That's pretty sad. It's at a whole new level and one you shouldn't be comfortable continuing.

 

And like Bittersweetie said, I think this just goes to show that no level of secrecy is without flaw. If anyone should have been smart enough to evade detection, it should have been you but sure enough, the BS has now had a Dday anyway. I don't care if he wasn't a good guy; nobody deserves to have their mind f*cked on purpose by their spouse.

[whichwayisup]

This is for the best. Seems like you're at fault a lot , like someone else said and then she blows up at you, it ends, then you two get back together. This is damaging on so many levels and the way she spoke/swore at you is unacceptable and was uncalled for.

 

I hope it really is over once and for all this time. To live like this, sneak around and having to put up with the crap she's served you at times is too much and that sort of stuff IS what kills feelings and makes you wonder if she's worth it.

 

Now she'll be in damage control and lie to her H, gaslight him. He isn't stupid, he KNOWS and she won't admit it.

[BrokenPrincess]

Well I'm sure you've been on quite the roller coaster the past couple days. Hang in there...once the shock wears off, I'm sure you're going to get hit with some second guessing, bargaining, regret, depression, who knows what, but as others have said, it's probably for the best for you to get put of the limbo of balancing two relationships.

 

Was there any discussion with OW of taking this situation as the opportunity to just end your Ms and be together full-time free & clear?

[Realist3]

I hope it stays over with. Participating in that mess was bad enough. Now he "knows" and even knows you but he's going to be gaslighted. Ironically, your best case scenario is for that gaslighting to be successful. That's pretty sad. It's at a whole new level and one you shouldn't be comfortable continuing.

 

And like Bittersweetie said, I think this just goes to show that no level of secrecy is without flaw. If anyone should have been smart enough to evade detection, it should have been you but sure enough, the BS has now had a Dday anyway. I don't care if he wasn't a good guy; nobody deserves to have their mind f*cked on purpose by their spouse.

 

Oh she gaslighted the crap out of him. She has already started her appeal for me to reconsider. She sent me six messages today, only one of them did I read. This was not a decision I made lightly. We spent a good 9 hours talking about it. I may look at the rest of the messages in a week or so, I'll see. Right now I am firm in what I decided.

 

As far as he goes there isn't anything nice I can say about him, so I probably shouldn't say anything at all. I have absolutely no sympathy or empathy for him.

 

As far as smarts, yes we had a very smart system. It was actually fail safe. I just ended up being a dummy and ignored her warning. Didn't take it seriously enough. It had never come up before, and it bit me. I have no clue what he is thinking. She is satisfied with her performance, but in my experience explanations you have to make up in the blink of an eye may work okay in the moment, but over the course of a few days the cracks tend to become more obvious. I'm sure they were both in shock at the time and he bought whatever she sold him to placate his anger, but he will spend some time thinking about it. To be really frank she is a sucky ass liar.

 

While I said above I would not accept some more highly restricted deal with us, which is true; for her own situation I think it is best if she lets this ride for a period of time. I really did end it in my mind.

[Scorpio Chick]

I know. The thing is she would never show on if her husband was in any way in control of her phone. That is what threw me. Anyway, I am certainly kicking myself. And yes, we do have the means and ability to continue the A, but I just don't want it at the diminished level it would take to evade what will be his certain snooping. The worst thing is that he has a link to my name and her. He obviously knew who I was, but he never put us two together.

 

Forward. I haven't started thinking about that yet. It is still too fresh.

 

Is her husband abusive to her? And I'm talking about physical abuse. Is he?

Though I shouldn't be, the level of your total disregard for hurting another person blows my mind.

 

Sigh. Such is the state of the world now. Screw one another over whenever possible has replaced Be kind to one another.

[jwi71]

And it was all my fault, and ultimately my decision.

 

This post is more of a cathartic vent than anything else.

 

Thursday afternoon we were messaging and she tells me not to message or call her because her H would likely have access to her phone. That must have gone in one ear and out the other. The communication system we use shows when a person is connected to accept messages or calls. She was showing on. I messaged her the lyrics to a children's song that had a riddle in it that pertained to us. I immediately get a message back, "Meet me in the usual spot now." At first I thought that was weird because we have several usual spots, and it would never be said like that. The usual would be, "Meet me a 1 in 15. Meet me at 3 in an hour.", and so on. I go to spot 1... nobody there. I go to the rest... nobody there. Of course during this time she was not connected so I couldn't ask her where she was. I was a good bit perturbed. I go home and write a few messages expressing my displeasure. As the evening wore on she still was not connected so I go to sleep angry.

 

At 1:30am I start getting notification after notification. My wife wakes me up and says, would you either get that or turn off your phone." It is not unusual for me to get notifications in the middle of the night because I have many friends that live across the globe, but this was ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, through all three modes of communication we have. So I get up, and sure enough it is her. Her husband saw the children's song lyrics and was the one you made the 'usual spot' response. We live very close together, a little over a mile, and he saw me on the road shortly after sending the message, which to him confirmed "something". Oh crap!

 

The next 2 and a half hours are spent with her ripping into me about how could I be so effing stupid. She must have used the eff word over 100 times and she never uses that word. She claimed to have convinced him that the message was meant to be sent to someone else, and that me driving right after he messaged me back was not proof of anything.

 

The next morning we start back at it and she says she wants to come up with some ideas how to take it further underground to prevent what had taken place from happening again.

 

We get back to each other in the afternoon to discuss our ideas for a few hours. We couldn't reach an agreement, and I finally said, "Let's just end it." And we both agreed.

 

We have had numerous breaks before, but this one is different. There were 'goodbyes', 'I love yous', 'I will miss you so much.' etc... That has never happened before. It also feels different. I past breaks I have felt sadness, a sense of loss, anger, elation, a sense of relief, you name it. This time... nothing. I don't feel a sense of loss, I don't feel relieved not to have to do all the crap we did to hide it... nothing. I would more compare it to finishing a long race that you didn't win, you didn't beat your personal best, you just finished. Maybe some of those things will come in the days and weeks ahead I don't know. Or maybe I have already experienced those feelings several times before that I am numb to it all.

 

I know the chances of this picking up again are fairly high under normal circumstances. I just feel like I'm finished. It ran its course. It was a great run filled with many treasured memories and experiences. But to me we squeezed every ounce of anything to be had out of that relationship,and it was running so smoothly. When her idea was to retract, it just didn't seem worth it to me. I was in too deep to walk backwards. I told her straight up, "What you are proposing would be like torture, and I can't do that. I know her idea was the smart one because no matter how good she thinks she is at convincing him, he is no fool. He had already hired PI's on two different occasions, so it was safe to assume the hoop jumping would have to go to a whole different level.

 

So that's it... I'm done.

 

...and you deleted and blocked every way for her to contact you - or at least as much as you can do?

Or did you leave that door open?

...Just like the last time you two "ended it"

[Realist3]

This is for the best. Seems like you're at fault a lot , like someone else said and then she blows up at you, it ends, then you two get back together. This is damaging on so many levels and the way she spoke/swore at you is unacceptable and was uncalled for.

 

I hope it really is over once and for all this time. To live like this, sneak around and having to put up with the crap she's served you at times is too much and that sort of stuff IS what kills feelings and makes you wonder if she's worth it.

 

Now she'll be in damage control and lie to her H, gaslight him. He isn't stupid, he KNOWS and she won't admit it.

 

I appreciate the post.

 

The swearing wasn't a big deal to me; one of my best friends is a well known hip hop artist and she sometimes chides me for my language around her. I think she was just expressing her anger in a way she thought would get through to me, not that I need that language to understand the point. She was venting in a way that...

 

At this point it is over for good. I hate like everything that it was my mistake that did it. While we are both always vigilant it was me that put much of how we made it work together. And in the end it was me that blew it up. I messed up. In large part that is why I decided to call it off. I had put all this stuff in place to keep her safe from discovery, and at the end of the day it was me. It was me.

 

You are right, she will never admit anything. The thing is, he will want to believe her. In no way does he want his family life disrupted.

 

I'm not going to criticize for the stuff she put me though. That is how she dealt with it in her way.

[gettingstronger]

I kind of saw this story coming to an end through some of your recent posts. Best of luck and I hope the next chapter of your life is honest and real.

 

Take care.

[whatatangledweb]

You had wrote before that you would leave for her and she would leave for you, so why aren't you doing that? Her husband has too many red flags now. He will be looking. My husband when one step too far which is why I started looking. He tried gaslighting for several days. He thought I would believe it. I didn't. I am sorry you are blaming yourself. She could have logged out. It is usually just one thing that gives it all away.

[Realist3]

...and you deleted and blocked every way for her to contact you - or at least as much as you can do?

Or did you leave that door open?

...Just like the last time you two "ended it"

 

 

No, it is all there. All of it still in place. I just haven't responded to it. This was something that evolved over many years. It wasn't just something that fell out of the sky.

 

The first time I got rid of the cheater phone because it was no longer necessary. This is a much more elaborate situation.

Edited June 29, 2014 by Realist3

[whichwayisup]

I appreciate the post.

 

The swearing wasn't a big deal to me; one of my best friends is a well known hip hop artist and she sometimes chides me for my language around her. I think she was just expressing her anger in a way she thought would get through to me, not that I need that language to understand the point. She was venting in a way that...

 

At this point it is over for good. I hate like everything that it was my mistake that did it. While we are both always vigilant it was me that put much of how we made it work together. And in the end it was me that blew it up. I messed up. In large part that is why I decided to call it off. I had put all this stuff in place to keep her safe from discovery, and at the end of the day it was me. It was me.

 

You are right, she will never admit anything. The thing is, he will want to believe her. In no way does he want his family life disrupted.

 

I'm not going to criticize for the stuff she put me though. That is how she dealt with it in her way.

 

Oh okay, I took it as she was swearing at you, not just expressing her anger.

 

Bolded. I'm holding your feet to the fire on this. You owe me coffee (we need a symbol of that!) if you get back with her!

 

I hope this is it though, that it's really over once the emotions calm down and you two have had time to think. It would be very easy to slip back into the routine, especially if she pushes hard and manipulates you (selfishly, not meanly/maliciously) back into the A. Then again, if you are really done, then be done and do your best to detach and close off your heart to her.

[dichotomy]

Shouldn't this be in the OW/OM section? for better support?

 

I feel sorry for the gas lighted BH on the other end of that phone. What has he done to deserve such pain? and such a wife?

 

But this is a long affair, and I am not sure how either of you go back (without noticeable and painful change) to an exclusive monogamous marriage with your own spouses after so long? In a very real (but strange way) your life (love life) has just died/ended - not unlike a divorce. I simply dont see you accepting this (going back to your marriages as only arrangement and love/affection source) as the acceptable long term result?

[BG11]

I read a full post about how your system is full proof yet other people know such as you OW sister in-law and older children. So, clearly your system is not as great as you think.

 

Also, do you think her H sent you that message randomly just to see what would happen? Im guessing he is already on to you two.

 

Lastly, I find it funny how you bash him and state what a horrible person he is when you are one who is willing to ruin other peoples lives simply because you are in a marriage where your wife has zero connection to you and you are miserable.

[Realist3]

Busy morning. I will get back later.

[Realist3]

Shouldn't this be in the OW/OM section? for better support?

 

I feel sorry for the gas lighted BH on the other end of that phone. What has he done to deserve such pain? and such a wife?

 

But this is a long affair, and I am not sure how either of you go back (without noticeable and painful change) to an exclusive monogamous marriage with your own spouses after so long? In a very real (but strange way) your life (love life) has just died/ended - not unlike a divorce. I simply dont see you accepting this (going back to your marriages as only arrangement and love/affection source) as the acceptable long term result?

 

Good questions.

 

What did he do? A couple of things. First he's had a 10 year affair of his own with a woman in another state. He bought her a really nice house and basically finances her life. Secondly, he has hidden/shielded a great deal of assets from his wife. Third, he is a very controlling person which she has grown to despise those methods. This is a 43 year old woman who is given an allowance. It goes on.

 

In terms of going back? I don't know. It is not like I am totally disengaged from my marriage, and neither is she. In terms of everything involved with home life it is just like anyone else. We are both very active in a our children's lives/activities. We both travel with our spouses a good deal.

 

Yes, you are correct, a part of me did just die, and it started sinking in this morning. It is going to be a big change. The communication was all throughout the day every day for over 4.5 years. She is my best friend. She was a great lover. I love her to death, and that is a large part of the reason I made this decision. I don't want to be the reason her family breaks up, and I almost did it by my own sloppiness. If he had read the message prior or after the one he read, her life would have been turned upside down because those were not messages that could not be explained away.

 

This is still all fresh and I'm trying to sort it out. While it is starting to sink in, it hasn't really yet. Like today. Sunday mornings were our designated day to go over the week about everything. It would go on for hours. This is the first Sunday in a long time that that isn't happening.

 

I have a birthday party I have to attend. Later.

[Realist3]

I read a full post about how your system is full proof yet other people know such as you OW sister in-law and older children. So, clearly your system is not as great as you think.

 

Also, do you think her H sent you that message randomly just to see what would happen? Im guessing he is already on to you two.

 

Lastly, I find it funny how you bash him and state what a horrible person he is when you are one who is willing to ruin other peoples lives simply because you are in a marriage where your wife has zero connection to you and you are miserable.

 

 

 

Those people were told about what was going on, not because they discovered it.

 

He does not know anything about what has been going on between us, he was fishing. He didn't send it randomly. He sent it because he was on her phone at the time, and she had left the mode we use as on. Her phone got a notification of my message when he was using it. He was using it because when they went out to lunch he dropped his phone and broke the glass. She had messaged me 5 minutes prior saying not to message.

 

The choice about his life is totally his wife's. It was her choice and her choice alone to get involved with me. I didn't hold a gun to her head. She knew full well what the fallout could be. Even after this mistake she still wants to continue it on a more limited basis while this blows over, to which I said no.

[2sunny]

Since you've ended it with your OW does that mean you will start looking for her replacement? Or maybe you have your backup plan waiting?

 

In some sense I'm thinking good for you - only in that mode of not wanting to be her bigger secret than you've been in the past.

 

What was your deciding factor to end it? Was it that she wouldn't be as available to you? Or that it would require more secrecy and restraint if you continued?

 

I do think she will contact you in a few weeks when the dust settles - are you strong enough not to go back?

[dichotomy]

Good questions.

 

What did he do? A couple of things. First he's had a 10 year affair of his own with a woman in another state. He bought her a really nice house and basically finances her life. Secondly, he has hidden/shielded a great deal of assets from his wife. Third, he is a very controlling person which she has grown to despise those methods. This is a 43 year old woman who is given an allowance. It goes on.

 

In terms of going back? I don't know. It is not like I am totally disengaged from my marriage, and neither is she. In terms of everything involved with home life it is just like anyone else. We are both very active in a our children's lives/activities. We both travel with our spouses a good deal.

 

Yes, you are correct, a part of me did just die, and it started sinking in this morning. It is going to be a big change. The communication was all throughout the day every day for over 4.5 years. She is my best friend. She was a great lover. I love her to death, and that is a large part of the reason I made this decision. I don't want to be the reason her family breaks up, and I almost did it by my own sloppiness. If he had read the message prior or after the one he read, her life would have been turned upside down because those were not messages that could not be explained away.

 

This is still all fresh and I'm trying to sort it out. While it is starting to sink in, it hasn't really yet. Like today. Sunday mornings were our designated day to go over the week about everything. It would go on for hours. This is the first Sunday in a long time that that isn't happening.

 

I have a birthday party I have to attend. Later.

 

 

So they have a open but not really open marriage? Kind of one of those "we both have lovers but don't discuss it/face it" marriages? Well that kind of more or less softens any moral issues on that side of this thing.

 

I can't remember but I thought (maybe) your wife kind sorta knows? or not?

 

So whats your options - really?

Edited June 29, 2014 by dichotomy

[Realist3]

So they have a open but not really open marriage? Kind of one of those "we both have lovers but don't discuss it/face it" marriages? Well that kind of more or less softens any moral issues on that side of this thing.

 

I can't remember but I thought (maybe) your wife kind sorta knows? or not?

 

So whats your options - really?

 

Not really. There is no open anything. He gets to do as he so chooses and she can't do anything about it, other than divorce him, in which case she would be screwed out of about 75% of what is truly hers. She basically gave up on being concerned about it. It would not be her preference, but it is what it is. So in a sense by her inaction she is by omission condoning it.

 

My wife knows and has known after she busted me in the first three months. They are actually somewhat similar, but I have never attempted to screw her out of what is rightfully hers. I have never hidden any assets or set up companies under another person to hide my income.

 

 

All that aside, the most important thing is our kids. We both want to keep our family unit intact. Now that I am tied to her, through his eyes I assume, I don't think it is prudent to spend time trying to out guess this guy. Given his history, I would guess he has already put a PI on me. Why play into that? PI's work when they can identify two people. When she was followed before they had no other person to link her to. When you see person A and person B going to the same places at the same times, time and time again that pattern serves as proof, even though you may not be seen together. Sure it can be done, but that is just too much for me at this point. The hoop jumping was sort of fun for the first couple of years, but not anymore.

 

The interesting thing will be in two weeks when one of my daughters goes to a cheer leading camp she is running.

[Realist3]

Since you've ended it with your OW does that mean you will start looking for her replacement? Or maybe you have your backup plan waiting?

 

In some sense I'm thinking good for you - only in that mode of not wanting to be her bigger secret than you've been in the past.

 

What was your deciding factor to end it? Was it that she wouldn't be as available to you? Or that it would require more secrecy and restraint if you continued?

 

I do think she will contact you in a few weeks when the dust settles - are you strong enough not to go back?

 

Nope not looking for any replacement.

 

 

Both to the bolded. They weighed equally. As I have thought about it probably the latter played a heavier role. It is too dangerous for her.

 

 

She has already contacted me, but I have not responded yet. And I'm sure she will continue to do so. None of the lines of communication have been severed as of yet. We have a joint account she is free to say whatever she wants. How that pans out I don't know yet. I don't know if I'm strong enough. I love this woman. It will be one of the hardest things I have ever done, but we'll see. So far so good. Falling in love at a young age like we both did is one thing. Falling in love at a more mature age is a completely different animal.

[2sunny]

Do you think you ended it for self preservation sake?

 

I understand you're in pain - and I'm sorry for that.

 

I'm trying to understand how to be helpful - what you may need right now.

 

If nothing else - here's a big hug for you!

 

I know change is hard - for me, it's worth it - change brings hope that things can get better.

 

If what she was offering you wasn't going to be enough for you - then good for you having a boundary and acting on it.

 

 

I know we haven't seen eye to eye - your situation is different - but you are human and in pain and I'm sorry you feel that pain right now.