I think this time it really is over.

[Realist3]

The reason I was able to ditch the cheater phone as because I had her phone rooted.

[Realist3]

Originally, we had a cheater phone. That was gold. He had placed a keylogger on her phone so it was necessary. She would go someplace she was supposed to be, leave her real phone there in the car or wherever, and have texts and calls forwarded to the cheater phone. So to him it looked like she was in the place she was supposed to be. The only downfall was that she could not call out of the cheater phone back to him. But that never presented a problem, because after a couple of texts that went unanswered he would call, and she would answer.

 

Rooting the phone allowed her the option of turning off the keylogger on her side. Once she got to the place she was supposed to be, she would turn it off. On his end it would still show she was there, but she could now return texts and calls, with him not knowing where she was.

[txgrl]

I meant all these things about her husband , him being controlling and overbearing etc etc have come from her . And it seems like you are both using his past A and his financial dealing with her, as a justification to have yr A . Like it's ok to do it since he is such a jerkoff .. How do you know for sure that she is not exaggerating her H's attributed or rewriting marital history ? That's all that I meant .

 

Since you have an answer for everyone and everything and your posts hardly show any guilt , it is far from over . You have stopped because it has become a bit inconvenient . It will start back up as soon it becomes convenient again .

 

Slippery slope ...and v dangerous . Get out while you can . Best .

[Sub]

Originally, we had a cheater phone. That was gold. He had placed a keylogger on her phone so it was necessary. She would go someplace she was supposed to be, leave her real phone there in the car or wherever, and have texts and calls forwarded to the cheater phone. So to him it looked like she was in the place she was supposed to be. The only downfall was that she could not call out of the cheater phone back to him. But that never presented a problem, because after a couple of texts that went unanswered he would call, and she would answer.

 

Rooting the phone allowed her the option of turning off the keylogger on her side. Once she got to the place she was supposed to be, she would turn it off. On his end it would still show she was there, but she could now return texts and calls, with him not knowing where she was.

 

Only you would know if it was all worth it, but this seems like so much work. I understand all relationships take a lot of effort (see: work) but doing this for en extended period of time would appear to be excessively taxing. I do hope you find some peace after this.

[txgrl]

I agree with sub . If you're willing to put in so much effort into this A and it is a LOT of work that you two are doing , why not just D your spouses and live happily ever after? The kids will go just fine after some initial challenges and bumps .

 

She talked to u 9 hours out of 24? Holy crap! Surely the whole thing is taking your and her time and attention away from the very kids that you two claim you're determined to protect by not D .

 

Her H already has a key logger on her ??!! What if he decides to tell their kids of their moms A .

One thing that you can read on these threads repeatedly is once it comes out, you can't control the fallout . You can't control who finds out and who doesn't and you can't control how people react .

Best .

[Realist3]

As another poster said, it's kind of ironic how you, who have repeatedly claimed on LS how affairs can go undetected if people take precautions, and you were so sure you were never going to be discovered, you have now been discovered, and could end up with some pretty bad consequences. Her BH is onto you now. He's seen the red flag, and he is likely to investigate further. Even if you stop the affair now, he could likely find evidence of the affair. No plan of secrecy is foolproof. All it takes is one small slip up or just the intuition of a BS that something is wrong, and a person's world and family will be blown up. You were playing with fire, and now there will likely be a fallout. As another poster said, it's doubtful the BS is going to back off at this point. On the contrary, his suspicions are raised, and he will likely do a more thorough investigation. The BS of this woman may be a creep himself, but there's very few men who would accept their wife cheating on them without taking action. I know a man who was a serial cheater who had multiple Ddays, and his wife kept taking him back. As soon as he discovered she had an affair, he divorced her, and blew up their family. Double standard for sure, but many men have those double standards. They consider their infidelity as something that should be tolerated. Boys will be boys, and all of that. But they consider their wife as their property, and they will not be made a fool of or share their wife with another man.

 

 

I hope you are done with this now. When you mess with other men's wives, you are putting your life at risk. Most men don't take too kindly to some guy banging their wife.

 

 

I know he will ramp up an investigation, that is why I am not giving him anything to investigate. He can waste $20k of his money. I know for a fact that he will put some PI on me for 3 or 4 weeks. He will find me going up to a cheer leading camp, but that is it. There is no point in tempting something you know is coming.

[Realist3]

Only you would know if it was all worth it, but this seems like so much work. I understand all relationships take a lot of effort (see: work) but doing this for en extended period of time would appear to be excessively taxing. I do hope you find some peace after this.

 

Thank you. Me too.

 

It does seem like a lot, but after a bit you get used to it so it is a new normal. I liken it to someone who has triplets. A friend might say, "How can you do all of that?" But after a year, it becomes so normal it is no sweat.

[Owl]

I don't have to do anything. It is not me that I am worried about, it is her. My wife knows about this already.

 

I thought about that after my post...at the end of the day, it's no impact to you. She's the only one 'at risk', so it's really her concern as to what she wants to do to cover her behind.

 

Sorry for my confusion.

[Realist3]

 

She talked to u 9 hours out of 24? Holy crap! Surely the whole thing is taking your and her time and attention away from the very kids that you two claim you're determined to protect by not D .

 

The first three hours were while they were asleep late at night. The next three were before they woke up. And the last three were while they were at a party I didn't attend.

 

Her H already has a key logger on her ??!! What if he decides to tell their kids of their moms A .

 

He has no evidence from the keylogger, nor any evidence of an affair.

 

One thing that you can read on these threads repeatedly is once it comes out, you can't control the fallout . You can't control who finds out and who doesn't and you can't control how people react .

Best .

 

Very true. Very very true.

[Sub]

I don't know if this is relevant, but since your wife knows of the relationship, have you disclosed any of this new information to her? Or if not, do you plan to?

[Realist3]

I don't know if this is relevant, but since your wife knows of the relationship, have you disclosed any of this new information to her? Or if not, do you plan to?

 

I have not at this time. She knows how close we are, and I really don't want any sympathy from her at this point. I try and keep this so far away from her that I just think it is best if I mention it later in passing after I'm over it.

 

And if... IF something re-starts that would be cruel.

Edited June 30, 2014 by Realist3

[txgrl]

Not really on this thread topic but still related.

 

How would you feel if you found out today your wife was banging someone else too?

 

I'm not trying to b mean . Just curious .

[Realist3]

Not really on this thread topic but still related.

 

How would you feel if you found out today your wife was banging someone else too?

 

I'm not trying to b mean . Just curious .

 

It wouldn't bother me.

[gettingstronger]

I am confused on this entire situation-

 

A brilliant alpha female with an atty boyfriend is in this much of a financial stronghold-?

[veryhappy]

I'll speak about you being worried about her. I ended my a and was in the same damsel in distress horrible husband position as your blonde muse. My ap lamented about how he was so worried about me and what i would do without him in my life. I told him id manage somehow and that i certainly dont want to play into some rescuing cliché. Imagine his BW joy in diagnosing my FOO issues and downfalls.

 

 

My point is: you need to let that go. Loving her, worrying about her doesn't mean anything in real life. It wont translate into much a couple of years from now if you are indeed done. My ap has been completely gone from my life for a year and a half. The consistent part of my life since then was him not being there for me. Trust me that his absence is much more glaring than his love declarations and good intentions.

 

 

What ages are the kids involved? From how much you obviously love this woman, id say get it over already and be together in the open. If you pit that much effort in an open R, you'd be golden.

Edited June 30, 2014 by cutedragon

[KathyM]

You're pretty cocky there, Realist. For a guy who has just had a Dday and the BH now suspects you. Don't underestimate this guy's ability to get to the bottom of what his wife has been doing, especially if he is willing and able to hire a PI. Even if you discontinue the affair at this point, there is likely still past evidence these guys can dig up.

 

 

As far as your children, you are doing them no favors by staying in a fake marriage while cheating with some married woman. Once they find out, they will lose all respect for you, and they will think their home life was all a sham of your doing. If you care about your children, you won't subject them to any more of this charade, and you will start to live an authentic life. Don't be so cocky as to think they will never find out.

[dichotomy]

 

I don't know - strictly speaking of adultery... I feel like this is a game of "who is the victim here?" I don't see one. OW's husband has a mistress . OW has you as a lover. Your own wife knows you have a mistress and tolerates it, you don't care if your wife takes a lover.....so whats the big deal?

 

Why all the secrecy and worry? Is this all about just the OW husband who is cheating with his own OW - but cant stand his wife doing it too? Or just trying to be discrete?

 

So based on this - I guess all I can say is sorry you lost someone you cared about.

Edited July 1, 2014 by dichotomy

[KathyM]

 

I don't know - strictly speaking of adultery... I feel like this is a game of "who is the victim here?" I don't see one. OW's husband has a mistress . OW has you as a lover. Your own wife knows you have a mistress and tolerates it, you don't care if your wife takes a lover.....so whats the big deal?

 

Why all the secrecy and worry? Is this all about just the OW husband who cheated but cant stand his wife doing it too? Or just trying to be discrete?

I'll tell you who is the real victim here. It's the kids of both families. They are living in a family where there is no love, respect or intimacy, or honesty, between parents. It's all just a charade, supposedly for the kids' benefit, but the kids are not the ones who are benefitting from this. On the contrary, they are living in a home with parents who treat their spouses like crap.

[dichotomy]

I'll tell you who is the real victim here. It's the kids of both families. They are living in a family where there is no love, respect or intimacy, or honesty, between parents. It's all just a charade, supposedly for the kids' benefit, but the kids are not the ones who are benefitting from this. On the contrary, they are living in a home with parents who treat their spouses like crap.

 

 

OW honestly knows her husband cheats and accepts it.

 

Realist's wife honestly knows he cheats and accepts it.

 

Sounds like some honesty to me.

 

Would the kids benefit more from a divorce? Do we know this?

 

Do the kids see fighting horrible parents. Is their home life bad? Do we know this?

 

This is all still feels to me like a marriage were most all agree to have other lovers.

[KathyM]

OW honestly knows her husband cheats and accepts it.

 

Realist's wife honestly knows he cheats and accepts it.

 

Sounds like some honesty to me.

 

Would the kids benefit more from a divorce? Do we know this?

 

Do the kids see fighting horrible parents. Is their home life bad? Do we know this?

 

This is all still feels to me like a marriage were most all agree to have other lovers.

They don't accept the cheating, they tolerate it, supposedly for the sake of the kids, or so they don't have to split up their money. So I'll ask, what is worse for kids, to live in a home where parents don't love, respect or care about each other, and instead invest their time and emotions outside of the marriage/family, or to make an honest break and start living an authentic life? I think a lot worse damage is done to kids who live in a home where the marriage is a charade and there is no authenticity or emotional investment in the marriage. And what happens to those kids when they find out their parent has these outside paramours? They lose trust/respect/love for their parent who has perpetrated this charade.

[underpants]

Realist,

 

I like you. You give an unvarnished truth to hard life situations.

 

I've read many of your posts and nodded with agreement, even if it was not what I would want to believe or a choice I would make. Thats the great thing about humanity. Lots of flavors of people in the world. I wouldn't have it any other way.

 

That being said, I think (perhaps denial, or self preservation instincts) might be clouding your thoughts.

 

Their marriage is their marriage so whatever.

 

I do wonder about yours. Intact is not really better if it is all a lie, but whatever. Perhaps when you two (you and AP) have time outs, it forces you both to face obviously lacking marriage(s) so the urge to rekindle is ignited in part by a need to escape.

 

Enough about that, and I agree with others that you are probably going to be found out soon enough. Even if you slide under the radar this time (not likely) you know that he suspects you.

 

Use this opportunity to face your own dead relationship issues and grow. You don't need your AP for that.

 

I wish you the best, but you are on a no return path to some kind of life growth experience either way.

 

Its good to soul grow.

 

Hope you brought a towel.

[txgrl]

Hope you're feeling better .

 

I agree with the poster . I really liked and learned from your posts when I first came in LS . Hope my posts help you and others .

[whichwayisup]

I have not at this time. She knows how close we are, and I really don't want any sympathy from her at this point. I try and keep this so far away from her that I just think it is best if I mention it later in passing after I'm over it.

 

And if... IF something re-starts that would be cruel.

 

Just food for thought. What happens if her husband contacts your wife. Would your wife confirm the A or defend you, deny it (though he doesn't know she is well aware of it).

[Poppy's sister]

Hi, I haven't read the full thread, but get the gist.

All I can offer as words of solace or advice realist is you did or are doing the right thing.

I have continued in an affair post dday (his) and you are right it is a slow torture. Worse than I could ever imagine and I also know that we are sitting on a time bomb.

My Ap is ultra careful, we have very restricted contact etc, but we were seen together in the most unlikely of situation first time, and your story just makes me even more sure that no matter what you do, a slip up or inadvertently being seen is inevitable.

Every day I wonder why I am doing this.

I hope for your sake, and you alone, you resolve it one way or another, you both have courage to leave or leave each other alone. Anything else is indeed Dantes 7 circle of hell

[violet1]

Realist,

 

I think ending it is the best thing. I hope you can stay strong. Living the double life is exhausting. I do understand that it feels normal after awhile, but IF you give it time, you'll see that the living the double life isn't worth it. You and your MW are both young enough to start over in your lives. If you're unhappily married than get out of your M. Stop letting fear control your life. Your children will be okay. You can justify it all you want, but you know in your heart and soul that the way your living is going to bring everyone heart ache one way or the other. As always, I wish you the best!