Author Realist3 Posted July 1, 2014 Author Share Posted July 1, 2014 Just food for thought. What happens if her husband contacts your wife. Would your wife confirm the A or defend you, deny it (though he doesn't know she is well aware of it). Given that she is friends MW to some extent, I think she would just say, "I don't know what you are talking about." She knows the type of person she is. It would take a lot of balls to call her and make that accusation over a message about a children's song. Plus her phone number would be pretty much impossible for him to get. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Realist3 Posted July 1, 2014 Author Share Posted July 1, 2014 That's the thing he doesn't have any words from me. I didn't say, "Hey, read this." or anything. It was just the title to the song and its lyrics. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 That's the thing he doesn't have any words from me. I didn't say, "Hey, read this." or anything. It was just the title to the song and its lyrics. Well...then he's got other things that have caused him to suspect your relationship with her. Rightfully so. It could be that she's mentioned you one too many times for him to be comfortable...or a change in her face/shoulders/etc... when you're mentioned. The vast majority of BS's have that "gut feeling" about what's going on. There are tons of subliminal indicators that we don't consciously pick up on that are part of how we communicate with others that neither you nor her are probably aware of nor able to control. He may be a controlling jerk...but he sounds like an intelligent controlling jerk. But...since you've ended the affair...he's HER problem at this point, not yours. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Realist3 Posted July 1, 2014 Author Share Posted July 1, 2014 Well...then he's got other things that have caused him to suspect your relationship with her. Rightfully so. It could be that she's mentioned you one too many times for him to be comfortable...or a change in her face/shoulders/etc... when you're mentioned. The vast majority of BS's have that "gut feeling" about what's going on. There are tons of subliminal indicators that we don't consciously pick up on that are part of how we communicate with others that neither you nor her are probably aware of nor able to control. He may be a controlling jerk...but he sounds like an intelligent controlling jerk. But...since you've ended the affair...he's HER problem at this point, not yours. Very true. He is a very smart guy, never have underestimated that for a minute. I doubt she would have ever mentioned my name though because he doesn't allow her to have male friends, period. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Realist3 Posted July 2, 2014 Author Share Posted July 2, 2014 I am going to have to talk to her. She is obviously upset that I never responded to her messages from the other day. She has been posting on every FB post I have made to our mutual friends all day. And I never really bought into this NC thing anyway. That's just not how I roll. Not changing my mind, but I do owe her some talk time. Link to post Share on other sites
txgrl Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 please just note that many an A are rekindled because one partner feels they owe the other ' talk time'. My biggest obstacle was thinking ' just one more one and I'll get some answers .. Maybe' .. Well those questions never got answers . There are no answers . that it why A are so hard to end . Good luck ! I don't see any other way other than NC to completely detach . From your post , it seems like you'll try LC or 'just friends' . I think you've been on LS long enough and read enough posts here to know that it just won't work , esp in your case where you still have very deep emotion attached to her . Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 I am afraid you talking to her will lead to a big mess soon. If you two want to be together, why not do it now? I know you were staying for the kids but you both seem miserable. Her husband is not going to leave this alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Realist3 Posted July 2, 2014 Author Share Posted July 2, 2014 I am afraid you talking to her will lead to a big mess soon. If you two want to be together, why not do it now? I know you were staying for the kids but you both seem miserable. Her husband is not going to leave this alone. I know it may seem that way, but we both have it good. Yes, despite the things I have described, 90% of people would say, "Yep I will take that, warts and all." I'm trying not to be insensitive here, but neither of us are talking about what happens if we divorce financially. Before this latest hubub, we were discussing how long her daughter might decide to spend in France after her high school graduation. This broaches so many more topics than how we feel about each other, or how the kids could adapt. This is about how our lives have been set up to this point. I am 90% sure that if we both came out publically and made chose to be with each other it would fail. It is just not as easy as saying, "I'm going to walk away, and start the Brady Bunch". Our 'whatever we have' will not exist outside of the confines of this affair. The pressures, the exposure to social circles, the media, ... Sure it might work for a bit as we tried for a bit, but it would sink in on us. I know it would. It wouldn't be because we wanted to be back with our respective spouses, but it would be because it would cause so much turmoil for our kids. I don't want to go there. The only way this works out is between a very covert situation between the two of us. I messed that up, potentially. I compromised it, and I'm not willing to go to some extreme wrecking both of our lives we have established on some Pollyanna vision of how great our lives would be together, when I know that is not very possible. I have done a lot of reflecting over the past several days, and I know that our relationship exists in its current form, or it doesn't exist at all. It hurts like hell that I was the one that made it not exist at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Realist3 Posted July 2, 2014 Author Share Posted July 2, 2014 This is a long term affair. The dynamics of this are pretty complex. "Oh, I just spent the last 4.5 years with you.... see ya later." It doesn't work that way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 I do think it's risky to contact her at all right now. I'm sure her H is watching closer than ever. If you need to speak with her in the future - let a month or so pass before contacting. For now, she knows you said no more - you know it's easy to start again later - but for now, it's just really risky. Link to post Share on other sites
txgrl Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 My A was almost as long as yours . The dynamics of all A arr complex and the longer they go on, the more complex thy become . Your A is far from over . You're cracking already . Is there a possibility of physical harm/ violence from her ' controlling' husband against her or you if he's convinced of an A ? Think it through before responding to her in any way . Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 "Oh, I just spent the last 4.5 years with you.... see ya later." It doesn't work that way. Just out of curiousity, how long have you spent with your wife :confused: ???? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 This is a long term affair. The dynamics of this are pretty complex. "Oh, I just spent the last 4.5 years with you.... see ya later." It doesn't work that way. So, basically, it's not over yet. It was just another near d-day, but neither of you have reached a breaking point yet, so its just gonna go deeper underground...until her H finally DOES something about it, I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
LearningToMoveOn Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 This is a long term affair. The dynamics of this are pretty complex. "Oh, I just spent the last 4.5 years with you.... see ya later." It doesn't work that way. My A was also 4.5 years and we had a similar situation...very much in love but not wanting to destroy two families, endure the shame of being "out", potentially lose our careers etc. And on D Day, it was "see ya later". We haven't spoken since that day and never will again. It's obviously not the way I wanted it to go down but it was out of my control at that point. While I've barely survived it, saying "see ya later" was clearly the only option. It wasn't sustainable even though we didn't want to believe that (well, I didn't - he used to tell me all the time it wasn't sustainable long term). My point is, you could be heading to a real D Day and that will force both of your hands as I'm sure you are aware. If you aren't going to leave for each other, you can either end it now and go through the pain while your families are still intact (if that is really what you want) or wait until it all blows up...and it will likely all blow up. I was in complete denial about this fact. I completely understand what you are going through -- the addiction, the pull, the feeling that you can't possibly give this person up after so long. But having another conversation isn't going to change anything. We had that "one last conversation" so many times I lost count, and every time we ended up back together. It can't go on forever like this...you have to make a choice. You can end it now while you still have some control over the situation or wait until D Day when you lose all control. It's not a good feeling and it's not the way you want it to end. Trust me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Realist3 Posted July 2, 2014 Author Share Posted July 2, 2014 So, basically, it's not over yet. It was just another near d-day, but neither of you have reached a breaking point yet, so its just gonna go deeper underground...until her H finally DOES something about it, I guess. In my mind it is over, but I am not going to part on such harsh terms. There is no reason it can't be amicable. Late last night she logged into my FB account and left me a nice message which was very understanding of my position. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Realist3 Posted July 2, 2014 Author Share Posted July 2, 2014 please just note that many an A are rekindled because one partner feels they owe the other ' talk time'. My biggest obstacle was thinking ' just one more one and I'll get some answers .. Maybe' .. Well those questions never got answers . There are no answers . that it why A are so hard to end . Good luck ! I don't see any other way other than NC to completely detach . From your post , it seems like you'll try LC or 'just friends' . I think you've been on LS long enough and read enough posts here to know that it just won't work , esp in your case where you still have very deep emotion attached to her . I just don't think this deserves false closure for either party. A d-day is a false closure to a relationship, and this wasn't even a real d-day. When you end any other close relationship outside of an affair do you just say, "Nope, not ever talking to you again." No. Why because that is irrational, and uncaring. Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 There will be no closure. I'm afraid you are not realist about it anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
LearningToMoveOn Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 I just don't think this deserves false closure for either party. A d-day is a false closure to a relationship, and this wasn't even a real d-day. When you end any other close relationship outside of an affair do you just say, "Nope, not ever talking to you again." No. Why because that is irrational, and uncaring. It took me a long time to realize that there is no real closure in an A. We had plenty of amicable endings and it didn't give me closure. If anything, the amicable endings left the door open and made it easier to start things again. There is no easy way out of this. NC is harsh and brutal and awful but it's the only way. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Realist3 Posted July 2, 2014 Author Share Posted July 2, 2014 Too often, as outside observers, to any particular situation that may arise on these boards we place a one size fits all explanation or attempt at a solution. Yes, we can advise someone this one size fits all solution because we read it in a book, or it worked for me, but that is an overly simplistic view. My situation is very complicated, and outside of any strict cliched definition. I'm trying my best to work through and stick to the decision I made, but it is not as easy as "do this, or do that." 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Realist3 Posted July 2, 2014 Author Share Posted July 2, 2014 It took me a long time to realize that there is no real closure in an A. We had plenty of amicable endings and it didn't give me closure. If anything, the amicable endings left the door open and made it easier to start things again. There is no easy way out of this. NC is harsh and brutal and awful but it's the only way. Even with NC the door is always there. NC places a false decision. "I don't have the will to keep this from happening again." That is weakness at its height. Link to post Share on other sites
LearningToMoveOn Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 Yep, my situation was complicated too. We want to think that our situations are so unique and special and the truth is -- they really aren't. They are all the same in some ways. I thought we could scale it back, just "be friends" (continue the EA), that we'd find a way to always be in each others lives. But none of that worked and none of it was enough, so back to the A it was. You're absolutely right -- the door is still there, even with NC. But the door will be much harder (if not impossible) to open after a D Day. I understand that every situation is unique but there really is only one way to end it and unfortunately, I think you are in denial about that. I don't mean that harshly because I was in denial too. How do you envision this going? You'll meet again, have that same conversation about how you love each other but can't be together and how devastating that is, and then what? You go your separate ways? Do you still talk? Do you still see each other? These situations never work because someone always ends up wanting more. I know you have to do what you think is best for your situation so I'll bow out from giving my perspective now. I hope it all works out for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 Even with NC the door is always there. NC places a false decision. "I don't have the will to keep this from happening again." That is weakness at its height. Well I for one will confess to being weak at times. I hope you are strong enough for this to work out the way you all want it too. From what you have said I wish your MW could leave her H regardless of what happens to you as a couple. He sounds pretty unpleasant. Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 I just don't think this deserves false closure for either party. A d-day is a false closure to a relationship, and this wasn't even a real d-day. When you end any other close relationship outside of an affair do you just say, "Nope, not ever talking to you again." No. Why because that is irrational, and uncaring. This is true, but an A isn't "any other close relationship". There's already some irrational and uncaring stuff going on here, from various angles. Why is the end of it the part that is applied a different standard? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 You are in denial. You can certainly agree that you won't realize that until out of denial, if you are in denial. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
txgrl Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 And I think this is what's referred to as the 'A fog' . I wish you the best of luck and peace . You're hurting tremendously because you were so sure this was going to go on for ever the way you wanted it and now you think you blew it . Truth is , it was going to come out one way or the other . If you see her again , you'll see how the emotions will come flooding back and you'll be back at square one . Again, good luck . I'm bowing out too, respectfully . Best . Link to post Share on other sites
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