I think this time it really is over.

[Hope Shimmers]

I wouldn't be surprised if Realist is not the man you might think he is...

Point taken.

[Realist3]

Joke or not. I would have been done. Whatever - if she puts up with it, great.

 

 

You are reading WAY too much into it. She's not even a blonde. Not natural anyway. That joke was so inside, I'm not surprised you took it the wrong way.

[Realist3]

She dead lifts 260 10 times per set, so she ain't all that weak. And she only weighs 115.

[2sunny]

She dead lifts 260 10 times per set, so she ain't all that weak. And she only weighs 115.

 

Being weak has nothing to do with physical strength. I'm sure you realize that.

 

 

She has no power or control with her husband (weak) but she exhibits a passive/aggressive side that shows she will try and control some part of her life...albeit is a way that causes harm if/when her truth is revealed.

 

A thrill in the danger while stabbing her controlling H in the back.

 

I don't care how bad or complicated a M is - IF it's bad enough people divorce. It's not bad for her. It's inly bad enough to cheat.

[Realist3]

Being weak has nothing to do with physical strength. I'm sure you realize that.

 

 

She has no power or control with her husband (weak) but she exhibits a passive/aggressive side that shows she will try and control some part of her life...albeit is a way that causes harm if/when her truth is revealed.

 

A thrill in the danger while stabbing her controlling H in the back.

 

I don't care how bad or complicated a M is - IF it's bad enough people divorce. It's not bad for her. It's inly bad enough to cheat.

 

I know. Believe me, I know. The very fact that someone could take your phone and laptop away from you is the epitome of weak. But ya know what? I love her. She has what she has, and she deals with it in her own way. I'm not going to run through her whole history, but she allowed this because it was better than where she came. She came from crap to a really nice life. She has put up with more than most people would, but I wasn't put here to be her judge, I have just been fortunate that she has been a part of my life for the past several years.

[Realist3]

And while she is controlled, she is not really weak. That is why I give her sh*t. She would run over most guys.

[Realist3]

Super cool!

 

I used to compete in power lifting competitions (many years ago) - have a couple of lower place trophies to show for it - and all sorts of joint problems. That is, didn't work out so well for me.

 

Didn't think trainers in gyms went for that so much these days (for the everyday folks). At least, I haven't seen that as being part of the regimen when I've visited gyms or country clubs.

 

But 260 for ten reps when you are a woman that only weight 115lb! Holy cow!! If my information is correct, then the standing Texas record in the 52kg (114lb) woman's class is 265lb.

 

Ten reps .... she should have absolutely no problem pulling 265+ in a one-off lift in a competition. (Should end up quite higher - just remember to lock those shoulders back at the top of the lift.)

 

Tell her to compete!!!

 

She is a freak of nature. She's 43 she isn't going to be competing.

[beach]

And while she is controlled, she is not really weak. That is why I give her sh*t. She would run over most guys.

 

But not her husband, eh?

 

It's probably impossible to be controlled and not be weak. I'm trying to think about what might be the exception but I can't determine what that might look like.

 

Nope, I'd think if she's allowing herself to be controlled that's only possible if she's being weak.

 

Believe me I get what weak looks like. I was in a controlling marriage for 20 years. It took intensive therapy to break free from my old self and the abuse it left me with. It may not have looked like it from the outside because I appeared to have it all. The residual trauma was the worst.

 

After learning how completely unacceptable it was allowed me to never accept that kind of control/abuse again. She may not want to break free but that's just the way a weak person survives. She may always play that victim role.

 

It's sad that you feel powerful in trying to rescue her. She could gain enough strength to overcome her fears herself - instead you feel responsible for that. It doesn't work that way. You can't save her. Especially if she's unwilling to save herself.

[greeneydgrl]

Realist, I've stayed out of this as long as I can stand. I bowed out of posting here some time ago, bc I realized I was not likely in the correct mental state to be putting myself "out there" without possible unwanted consequences, "anonymous" or not.

 

Please take all of this in the spirit in which it's meant. I like you. As do very many. I feel you give very steady/sound advice, and you were kind to me in a very upsetting time.

 

You say you are a former attorney. You're not acting like one here on LS. I believe your story 100% as one cannot make this stuff up. And looking at my own situation, it has been pretty "unbelievable" as well. So, pretend I am your *real* friend, or even your attorney. AS YOUR ATTORNEY, I advise you to stop posting personal details about yourself.

 

You have inadvertently (purposely?) said where you live, your career choices (two businesses come to mind, I will not repeat), your wife's very personal past, one of your child's issues, one of your other child's hobbies, the ages of children, the business of OW's husband, and now we are aware of your OW's first initial (even if your "M" stands for "me") and your daughter's name. This is not okay and a sign of someone not cooking with all four burners. Unless you really do want public humiliation.

 

My belief is that you have been involved in such an unhealthy and STRESSFUL situation for so very long, that you are losing the last shred of good sense. Having a breakdown on the internet is not a great idea. You say you have nothing to lose. I disagree. You appear to love your children, and they DO have something to lose from your posting such detailed information. Your fear is being dragged through the media? Guess what, I've actually been there. In a slightly different way, but it is AWFUL.

 

I am deeply sorry for your pain, and I truly hope for the best possible outcome considering the circumstances.

[Realist3]

Ok. How about not running rough-shot from here on out. Give the other person/persona you share a life/existence with a chance to post here. One post in this entire thread (supporting you) is not what I am talking about.

 

You know what I mean. And it is the right thing to do.

 

Actually, I don't know what you mean. Both the MW and my wife know I post here and under what name. Neither of them has the desire to take part in this forum. In fact, some time ago members of the forum made attempts to contact MW because I stupidly gave away a way to contact her. She still didn't./ So, I don't see your point.

[Realist3]

Realist, I've stayed out of this as long as I can stand. I bowed out of posting here some time ago, bc I realized I was not likely in the correct mental state to be putting myself "out there" without possible unwanted consequences, "anonymous" or not.

 

Please take all of this in the spirit in which it's meant. I like you. As do very many. I feel you give very steady/sound advice, and you were kind to me in a very upsetting time.

 

You say you are a former attorney. You're not acting like one here on LS. I believe your story 100% as one cannot make this stuff up. And looking at my own situation, it has been pretty "unbelievable" as well. So, pretend I am your *real* friend, or even your attorney. AS YOUR ATTORNEY, I advise you to stop posting personal details about yourself.

 

You have inadvertently (purposely?) said where you live, your career choices (two businesses come to mind, I will not repeat), your wife's very personal past, one of your child's issues, one of your other child's hobbies, the ages of children, the business of OW's husband, and now we are aware of your OW's first initial (even if your "M" stands for "me") and your daughter's name. This is not okay and a sign of someone not cooking with all four burners. Unless you really do want public humiliation.

 

My belief is that you have been involved in such an unhealthy and STRESSFUL situation for so very long, that you are losing the last shred of good sense. Having a breakdown on the internet is not a great idea. You say you have nothing to lose. I disagree. You appear to love your children, and they DO have something to lose from your posting such detailed information. Your fear is being dragged through the media? Guess what, I've actually been there. In a slightly different way, but it is AWFUL.

 

I am deeply sorry for your pain, and I truly hope for the best possible outcome considering the circumstances.

 

Great post!

 

I have been guilty several times of posting things that were too personal, which at one point created an issue, which moderation took care of in that instance.

 

You are right. I will be the first person to warn against doing what I have been doing. It is destructive. It has messed with me more than anything I have ever done, and in many ways, not constructively. I see it. I see it clearly. I look at the person I was 4.5 years ago and the person I am today, and they are SO different. Over the past week I have learned so much about myself that I can't yet put them into words. The last 7-8 months of this ordeal have been... exceedingly tumultuous. Smoothly in terms of execution, but realizing that it was time to end it. This 'mistake', by my doing, provided for me the perfect opportunity to end it; for both of our sakes.

 

The hardest part for me in letting go, which this situation allowed me, is that I'm not just parting ways with a lover. It is that I am parting ways with a best friend, a confidant. When you develop a friendship later in maturity it is a different ball game. This wasn't some brief, "oops we just hopped into bed. I made a mistake." type of thing. We captured each other in a journey neither of us could have ever imagined. It was a fantastic journey, and now is the time I have to come to grips with the fact that it will be one for the memory banks. That is hard, especially when it is right there staring you in the face every day.

 

The next two weeks will be very trying. As it worked out my oldest daughter and my wife will be at another camp in a different state, while I am here with my youngest daughter going to MW's camp. I'm the one that said let's stop this. She agreed to agree because it threatened her situation. Now that that threat is gone, she is gung ho. It will be a test.

[imperfectangel]

my a with mm/ex mm depending on the day is very on/off push/pull it has been going on for 10+ years and trust me when someone is part of your life for that long you cannot just cut them out of your life it is just not that simple

 

I'm currently in some kind of NC basically I'm ready for us to be together be is def not on the same page granted I haven't come out and said this but a man that will only email, barely calls and keeps an eye on the time is not a man that wants to leave his w

 

even though I want him I refuse to be second best and right now I do not want to be in this situation. he knows how to contact me and ATM he isn't which tells me everything I need to know about where I stand/what he wants etc

 

I don't think this is the end for you two realist as you both want to stay married; me and my mm/ex mm don't want the same thing therefore it'll never work

[frogss29]

Great post!

 

I have been guilty several times of posting things that were too personal, which at one point created an issue, which moderation took care of in that instance.

 

You are right. I will be the first person to warn against doing what I have been doing. It is destructive. It has messed with me more than anything I have ever done, and in many ways, not constructively. I see it. I see it clearly. I look at the person I was 4.5 years ago and the person I am today, and they are SO different. Over the past week I have learned so much about myself that I can't yet put them into words. The last 7-8 months of this ordeal have been... exceedingly tumultuous. Smoothly in terms of execution, but realizing that it was time to end it. This 'mistake', by my doing, provided for me the perfect opportunity to end it; for both of our sakes.

 

The hardest part for me in letting go, which this situation allowed me, is that I'm not just parting ways with a lover. It is that I am parting ways with a best friend, a confidant. When you develop a friendship later in maturity it is a different ball game. This wasn't some brief, "oops we just hopped into bed. I made a mistake." type of thing. We captured each other in a journey neither of us could have ever imagined. It was a fantastic journey, and now is the time I have to come to grips with the fact that it will be one for the memory banks. That is hard, especially when it is right there staring you in the face every day.

 

The next two weeks will be very trying. As it worked out my oldest daughter and my wife will be at another camp in a different state, while I am here with my youngest daughter going to MW's camp. I'm the one that said let's stop this. She agreed to agree because it threatened her situation. Now that that threat is gone, she is gung ho. It will be a test.

 

I keep reading your posts, thinking some day I will 'get it'....but I just don't.

I suppose as a BS, I am trying to see your wife's point of view and have felt protective of her.

But after realising how much she is involved with her own work etc, I am thinking maybe she just doesn't care about you?????

In my situation, I had NO idea about my husbands affair. The moment I found out, I looked long and hard at my/our life and marriage and worked out what I wanted.

But your wife knows about your affair.

And just doesn't seem to care, if I am reading correctly.

I find that sad and sort of pathetic.

So that makes your situation unique, IMO.

But the MW's husband now knows what is going on.

And cares.

And maybe that will wake up their marriage and relationship.

Maybe now they will work out their issues and deal with them head on.

It would be nice if out of all this mess, one couple could be happy......really happy.

[2sunny]

Is it fair to say that you post here knowing your OW probably reads your posts?

 

Isn't that a manipulative way of possibly sending her info/messages about how you're feeling?

[Realist3]

Is it fair to say that you post here knowing your OW probably reads your posts?

 

Isn't that a manipulative way of possibly sending her info/messages about how you're feeling?

 

 

No, she doesn't read here. She didn't even read here when a few posters reached out to her. It is just not of any interest to her.

 

While some people took umbrage to my comments towards her earlier, she actually says I am too mushy.

[Realist3]

I keep reading your posts, thinking some day I will 'get it'....but I just don't.

I suppose as a BS, I am trying to see your wife's point of view and have felt protective of her.

But after realising how much she is involved with her own work etc, I am thinking maybe she just doesn't care about you?????

In my situation, I had NO idea about my husbands affair. The moment I found out, I looked long and hard at my/our life and marriage and worked out what I wanted.

But your wife knows about your affair.

And just doesn't seem to care, if I am reading correctly.

I find that sad and sort of pathetic.

So that makes your situation unique, IMO.

But the MW's husband now knows what is going on.

And cares.

And maybe that will wake up their marriage and relationship.

Maybe now they will work out their issues and deal with them head on.

It would be nice if out of all this mess, one couple could be happy......really happy.

 

No, he doesn't know.

[whichwayisup]

No, he doesn't know.

 

He knows, he is just waiting for her to stop denying it. His gut and instincts know, her behaviour and how she is probably overall IS telling him, it's just the words have not been said out loud yet.

[Realist3]

He knows, he is just waiting for her to stop denying it. His gut and instincts know, her behaviour and how she is probably overall IS telling him, it's just the words have not been said out loud yet.

 

 

So far his actions aren't showing that. Seriously, he really doesn't have much of anything to reach that conclusion. Like I said before, I'm, not going to give him anything. if he has reached that position as you claim he sure hasn't shown that he has.

[2sunny]

So far his actions aren't showing that. Seriously, he really doesn't have much of anything to reach that conclusion. Like I said before, I'm, not going to give him anything. if he has reached that position as you claim he sure hasn't shown that he has.

 

It's a matter of time and when he gets his evidence.

 

My exH thought I didn't know. My gut was telling me something wasn't quite right. I searched until I found what I already knew in my gut.

 

It didn't take too long to find the hidden evidence. I'm sure if I hadn't felt extreme denial I could have found out much sooner.

 

Once I found his evidence - he had no say in the outcome. He still regrets it almost 10 years later.

 

 

 

I'm sure her H "has some idea" but just hasn't found his solid evidence YET.

 

 

For now, she's still willing to communicate with you. There's always a trail that leads to the evidence - that footprint left behind - don't think he won't uncover it... He will with time since he cares enough to pay attention.

 

It's not like your W who doesn't care - he cares enough to look for what "he knows" is there. He will find it.

[peaksandvalleys]

 

 

 

• It's a matter of time and when he gets his evidence.
  
  
• It didn't take too long to find the hidden evidence.
  
• Once I found his evidence - he had no say in the outcome
  
• There's always a trail that leads to the evidence - that footprint left behind - don't think he won't uncover it... He will with time since he cares enough to pay attention.
  

 

 

 

 

I think these points were so true for me. That I had to highlight them. These points were exactly how I felt. I was willing to dig into savings to pay for the proof I needed. I was willing to let go of a great deal of money to get to the bottom of what was happening in my life. It fueled my anger, my thirst for revenge and feed me the energy I needed to keep going when it felt as if my heart was being ripped right out of my chest. When I couldn't catch my breath, when I couldn't sleep for the millions of thoughts and questions. The fuel was the arrogance and total disrespect that was being handed to me daily. I know they both regret that now. I think I want to make sure they continue to regret it for quite some time to come. Thank you for putting it into words.

[Realist3]

It's a matter of time and when he gets his evidence.

 

My exH thought I didn't know. My gut was telling me something wasn't quite right. I searched until I found what I already knew in my gut.

 

It didn't take too long to find the hidden evidence. I'm sure if I hadn't felt extreme denial I could have found out much sooner.

 

Once I found his evidence - he had no say in the outcome. He still regrets it almost 10 years later.

 

 

 

I'm sure her H "has some idea" but just hasn't found his solid evidence YET.

 

 

For now, she's still willing to communicate with you. There's always a trail that leads to the evidence - that footprint left behind - don't think he won't uncover it... He will with time since he cares enough to pay attention.

 

It's not like your W who doesn't care - he cares enough to look for what "he knows" is there. He will find it.

 

There is no evidence to find. Our communications leave no evidence. That is specifically why they were chosen. That is why the cheater phone was dropped last year. It wasn't needed.

Edited July 6, 2014 by Realist3

[whatatangledweb]

Realist, you are a smart man and you say her husband is. The best way to catch someone is to make them believe you believe them. They will let there guard down and go back to what they were doing. He can have a PI follow either one of you and get the proof he needs.

 

I am slightly confused. Is your affair over or is it going to continue?

[Realist3]

Realist, you are a smart man and you say her husband is. The best way to catch someone is to make them believe you believe them. They will let there guard down and go back to what they were doing. He can have a PI follow either one of you and get the proof he needs.

 

I am slightly confused. Is your affair over or is it going to continue?

 

He can hire a PI all he wants. There would be nothing to find. On my end it is over. She is trying to continue it. He took off his most effective tool from her phone, which in the end, I had already defeated. Yes, I will see her twice a day every day this week, but it is in a public setting. There is nothing to see. There are no plans of any kind to meet up outside of that. We have not talked since Friday, and that should hold until we see each other tomorrow in person at a publically held camp. There is nothing to discover. There is no evidence to gather. There are no messages, no meetings, no nothing.

[BrokenPrincess]

You're never going to emotionally detach from her while you're still texting, seeing her at cheer camp, trainer session, the kids school etc. Plus if/when her H finds out, you'll probably be forced into absolute NC.

 

After all this effort & drama to be together, now's your perfect opportunity to do it for real! But in the end, your story is not as different as you've proclaimed. You're a MM and you love her but not enough to leave.

 

Are you prepared to really rebuild your life without her in it?

[2sunny]

He can hire a PI all he wants. There would be nothing to find. On my end it is over. She is trying to continue it. He took off his most effective tool from her phone, which in the end, I had already defeated. Yes, I will see her twice a day every day this week, but it is in a public setting. There is nothing to see. There are no plans of any kind to meet up outside of that. We have not talked since Friday, and that should hold until we see each other tomorrow in person at a publically held camp. There is nothing to discover. There is no evidence to gather. There are no messages, no meetings, no nothing.

 

And you are ONLY safe as long as you stick with this plan.

 

Anything extra and the risk is there. He may have removed the devices that were tracking her - but there are a million ways to be discovered if you risk being alone together - especially now.

 

 

If he is anything like me - he will wait years to gather evidence that is left behind. There's always a trail. It's a matter of following it.

 

Best way to find out as a BS? Pretend like you don't care and you're not paying attention... Hmmm