I don't want to share my life with someone I can't share my life with.

[memomma]

Does it make sense to divorce someone because you no longer share your life together?

We don't talk, we don't have sex, I don't look forward to spending time with him, I bought a new car in July....he's never rode in it......I mean, other than sharing this house.......we don't share anything. I have three kids and he is not involved in their life at all....I can't talk to him about them.

I have tried to talk to him. Many, many, many times. Tried once again the day before yesterday. It seems like he is unable to accept any responsibility for the state our marriage is in. All he says is that I keep talking about divorce so it must be that I just want one.

I tried to explain to him it's not that I just "want" a divorce....who wants that?

I just don't want to spend my life like this. He refuses to go to counseling and I see no other option.

I just put off doing it because I know it's going to be so involved and believe it or not....I really don't want to hurt this guy. I feel sorry for him but when I think about this being all there is.....I get depressed.

[_Saffy_]

are you married to my ex husband??

[memomma]

Saffy......you made me laugh.

[_Saffy_]

lol good

 

its true though, you sound exactly as i sounded, about a year before i left the first time. he begged me to come back, promised he could change, so i went back, and sure for maybe two months he did try, but he couldnt keep it up.

 

it was new year 2000 that i left the first time, and november 2001 that i left the second. and that time, i didnt go back.

[Mz. Pixie]

You girls give me hope. I left for the same reasons.

 

To me, it's been worth it- I'm happier than I've ever been but the guilt is hurtful and powerful.

 

Money is tight- I moved my kids into a two bedroom apt. I share custody of them with him and I'm separated from them part of the time. Everyone that was in my life for 15 years is gone- they all hate me because I wouldn't give him a 20th chance. The divorce is proceeding slowly with alot of hatefulness.

 

Still, I'm in control of my own money- not stressing about how to cover what he's spent. I also met a wonderful man who treats me the way I've always wanted to be treated.

 

So, if you're willing to make the sacrifices and you think that it will make you happy I say go for it, life is just too short!

[memomma]

To be honest, I don't really know if divorce will make me happy.

I just know, I'm not happy being married.

That is pretty much the source of my unhappiness because I can't be who I am because I'm married to him. We just are too different.

Now.....will I be happy if I'm divorced?

I don't know.

I'm old now. 44.....my kids are just about grown.....the baby is 16. ( I'm having a feel sorry PMS type of day today by the way.)

Anyway, part of me feels like I just have to do something.

I do not want to grow old and die feeling like there must be something more.

I think...I really do think so.....I'm willing to risk what we have and reach for something more than what we have together. I see no other choice unless it would be to settle for this.

That's not who I am.

[MassiveAtom]

Look at it this way, there are reasons behind his coolness.

 

When my ex started talking about divorce, I became sad and angry. She destabilized the situation which was entirely rescuable and then blamed me for her decision to leave.

 

Not that I'm saying this is your situation. But it is very disheartening for guys when their wife starts talking about leaving. As I'm sure it is for women.

 

If there's something there worth reigniting, you can try. I tried for 8 years, but it didn't work.

I realized that what she felt didn't meet my definitiion of love. So the marriage failed.

 

It gets to a point though, I guess, when you just can't stay. You just can't

[_Saffy_]

i was looking for this post to check on it, and then it appeared

 

i left because i was feeling stifled, i wanted to do something with my life, other than chores and laundry, and he was soooo against it.

 

i left with my three children who were 6, 4 and a newborn at the time. that was 4 years ago.

 

my ex was controlling, but not overly, he had a habit of making me feel guilty for the things that i wanted to do.

 

the final straw was after having two miscarriages, both between 8 and 12 weeks, i got pregnant again......i suffered bleeding for 27 weeks of my pregnancy, had to have scans every week, and was meant to be on permanent bed rest......which i couldnt do because i had no support at all from my then hubby.

 

i know that he just couldnt handle it, but i needed him. and i felt that if he couldnt be there for me then there was no point in carrying on. he didnt even want to know the sex of our daughter.

 

so me and the kids left, wasnt easy, noooooo way, but we managed and here we are four years later, doing really well.

 

im doing an english language and literature degree, and i hope to teach secondary school at the end of it. this wouldnt have happened if i had stayed.

 

you will make the right choice memomma, but make sure its the right choice for YOU!!

[kimizmat]

Are you married to mine? My marriage recently broke up because of similar behavior. He now blames me for bringing up separating twice, but I only did this because nothing else worked and I exploded. He still claims he loves me more than anything, but can't "hurt anymore". I wonder if this is a copout? Or perhaps these are men who have serious ego or pride issues. What do you think?

[MassiveAtom]

Originally posted by kimizmat

Are you married to mine? My marriage recently broke up because of similar behavior. He now blames me for bringing up separating twice, but I only did this because nothing else worked and I exploded. He still claims he loves me more than anything, but can't "hurt anymore". I wonder if this is a copout? Or perhaps these are men who have serious ego or pride issues. What do you think?

 

Nah, the male ego works inversely to how most people assume it works. And in terms of pride, there's nothing proud in a man who's wife wants to leave. It is a devastating blow to him

 

The ego then is there to protect the male form this most painful emotional trauma. Not to make him more to himself than he is.

 

Lots of guys, me included never had their wife ACTUALLY Say, "Honey, I need more help with the kids,"and so on. and didn't feel terrible that they couldn't provide that help AND meet all of the other obligations simultaneously. There's a big disconnect in this country with Parenting roles, and the practical application of societies expectations of them.

 

It's all going to come to head soon, though.

 

If you brought up Separation, that's your responsibility. Sure he could've done thing that made you WANT to bring it up. But your actionsa re yours, and yours alone. As are your emotions. It seems you're blaming HIM for your decision.

 

That's questionable, to say the least.

[memomma]

I appreciate hearing both sides of any situation.

The problem in my relationship is that my husband can't/won't share his side with me.

We are batting zero when it comes to communication.

He has the most difficult time verbalizing his feelings.

I am an Italian girl and that's about all I know....."talk to me about it".

If something is wrong, tell me. You cannot expect me to understand where he is coming from when he won't tell me. I am just so tired of the way things are that I'm at the breaking point.

He acts like he is afraid of me and that drives me crazy.

I don't know how to go about ending this marriage. Do I say to him......I don't like you any more let alone love you.

I can't imagine being so mean to him but I don't know what else to do. He acts like a puppy dog around me and I don't trust his behavior for a minute. He is possibly in jeopardy of losing his job again and I have to wonder is he being nice to me because of that? The trust and comfortable feeling between us is gone.

This isn't something that just recently happened. We've had serious problems for approximatley 5 1/2 of our 6 years of marraige. I've asked for marraige counseling, went to counseling on my own and we're just still at the same spot. He refuses to go to counseling and I just don't see any alternative to getting out of this than divorce.

I just don't know when or how to do it.

I wish we could talk, be honest with each other, stop placing blame on the other and just admit that this match was not made in heaven. Let's just be civil, do what needs to be done and move on.

Do you think that could happen?

In the back of my mind I'm thinking......sure, when ---- freezes over.

[MassiveAtom]

Originally posted by memomma

I appreciate hearing both sides of any situation.

The problem in my relationship is that my husband can't/won't share his side with me.

We are batting zero when it comes to communication.

He has the most difficult time verbalizing his feelings.

I am an Italian girl and that's about all I know....."talk to me about it".If something is wrong, tell me. You cannot expect me to understand where he is coming from when he won't tell me.

 

Most maddening when they go outside the rtealtionship to "talk about it" right? SO there ARE in fact women who WANT to talk about a situation in a relationship WITH there partner? I was led to believe that these women are a figment of my imagination.

 

I am just so tired of the way things are that I'm at the breaking point.

He acts like he is afraid of me and that drives me crazy.

I don't know how to go about ending this marriage. Do I say to him......I don't like you any more let alone love you.

nah, Don't be mean about it, but don't be overly kind either. form your statements like this,

 

"Husband(you'll probably want to use his name here) I am convinced the I cannot save this marriage alone, due to the lack of communication. I have tried long enough to know that it isn't helping" Don't slam him with all sorts of accusations and stuff. Get your statements clear and concise and tell him in a civil tone. Approach the situation from the standpoint of YOUR role in the failure and not piling it all on him.

 

I wish we could talk, be honest with each other, stop placing blame on the other and just admit that this match was not made in heaven. Let's just be civil, do what needs to be done and move on.

Do you think that could happen?

In the back of my mind I'm thinking......sure, when ---- freezes over.

 

nah that could definitely happen. It happened between My ex and I. and if THAT's possible, hell has frozen over and it's snowing down there again!

 

It takes time and effort from both parties. He'll likely have his self esteem crushed, so give him space.

[memomma]

I think the reason I sound so angry and bitter is because I'm frustrated.

I cannot begin to count the number of times I've attempted to talk to him about how serious things are. For some reason, he just isn't hearing me.

I think he was brought up to believe that if you ignore something long enough...it will go away.

I have tried to explain to him that I feel like this is our lives we're talking about.....this is important. We both deserve to be happy and I don't think we do that for one another.

I hate the way I feel towards him now.

I'm really not a mean person so for me to have these feelings of resentment is very unsettling.

I am working on resolving things. I just kind of wish it could be done without ending in a messy divorce.

I know he has to be aware of what I'm planning because I have openly encouraged and initiated down-sizing of joint properties we have accumulated during our marriage. We have sold a commercial property, paid off a small loan and are checking into selling our timeshare. I asked him if he remembered what our home appraised for and what we owe on it. He has to know what I'm doing.

I just think the less we have to deal with property wise, the easier it will be when it comes to settlement between us.

Anyway....thanks for listening and for the input.

It helps me.