She knows I have feelings for her but she dismisses them

[FoolishMan]

Hi all,

 

I could really do with some advice as I am in a mess emotionally! I am a guy who has fallen for a female friend. I have been in touch with her for 4 years but it is only recently that my heartache has started. This friend was in an abusive marriage and I would talk to her to try help her out. About a year ago, she left her husband and we seemed to get closer. I always liked her but since her leaving her husband, the feelings on my part has gotten very deep. I feel that she has feeling for me too and she did admit to having a soft spot for me when she was married.

 

Anyway, last year, she went on holiday and I did not hear from her. I was eager too contact her but I did not want to intrude on her time away. We started chatting again after about a week of her returning. However, it wasn't for a month or two later that she told me she had met and exchanged details with a guy when she was on her hols. she claimed that he was keen and would message her but she was too busy to reply to him all the time. I just let that drift.

 

About 3 months ago, she was busy and I did not hear from her. she did warn me, and I accepted it. However, she contacted me about 10 days after and said told me that the guy she met actually came over and she had met him a few times! I was really taken aback and felt really heart broken. I really did not expect it. I did not know what to do with myself for a couple of days as I felt trashed! I was replying to her messages with short replies and it was then she called me and asked what was wrong. Feeling pinned into a corner, I told her that I was heartbroken that she was now with someone. She denied it and said it was wasn't and that she wasn't interested in a relationship after her recent marriage.

 

With my feelings out in the open, I felt that the genie out of the bottle and therefore asked her how she felt about me. She kept saying that all she thought of me was a close normal friend. I was naturally very disappointed and quite upset as I was reading her wrongly. Anyway, in our conversation, she would bring this guy up at times, sometimes to the extent that she was actually considering giving him a go! Now, I always go quiet when he comes up as it has now become a sore spot for me. Afterwards, I feel that she is quite cruel bringing him up knowing that I really like her. In one conversation recently, I said to her that I think I should stop talking to her as my feelings were now getting in the way of a normal friendship! Initially, she said why would I do that as it would be punishing her and myself. She then backed down and said she would respect my decision. She was not responsible for my feelings for her (not that I implied she was) and go do what I think I should do.

 

Over the ensuing days, she messaged to check on me. I backed down like a weakling and continued to talk to her. She also said she will not bring up the other guy in our conversations. She added that she did not mean to hurt me and didn't want to lose me!

 

Roll on to last week, she has gone on hols again, back to where she went last time. Before she left, I asked her what plans she had over there. She mentioned that he may fly out there to see her. If I am honest, I knew he would figure in this holiday. She said nothing will happen!

 

So here I am ... What do I do. I am quite fed up with these feelings for her and the fact that although it is a sore spot, she keeps bringing this man up in out conversations. She claims she is just telling me as it is!

 

It has been a week since she left, I feel quite angry inside and I have all but made up my mind that I will cut ties until I can either speak to her as a normal friend and not at all if I cannot stop my feelings. I do feel used by her but then again, I feel like I made myself available to be used! Ultimately, I maybe in love with her!

 

What should I do, your insights will be greatly appreciated as I have no one to turn to with this issue - THANK YOU!!

[MikeyBe]

Sounds like you acknowledge the situation for what it is.

 

Just don't do this:

Over the ensuing days, she messaged to check on me. I backed down like a weakling and continued to talk to her

Be stronger. She'll eventually end up with someone and you'll continue to feel hurt.

[FoolishMan]

Thanks for your reply but I am very weak.... I give her the benefit of the doubt. It drives me nuts as I miss her, stuck in a repetition of feelings that go up and down...

[TigerLilly78]

Im not to sure how she used you tho? if she made it clear she only wanted friends it sounds shes been rather up front. granted she doesn't have to keep bringing up the guy but you did ask what her plans were for the holiday. if hes going to date her hes going to become a bigger part of her life as time goes on. I think its best you cut ties now..also I don't believe her when she says shes not looking for a relationship peoples actions speak louder then words always..

[preraph]

I think because you were trying to be there for her to help her out of that abusive relationship, you assumed she'd turn to you once it ended, but now it's ended, she's ready to date and you were not who she had in mind. You were a dear friend for her and she knows that but she has been as clear as possible that she does not reciprocate your romantic feelings.

 

You may take this for what it is worth: Sometimes a women who has been in an abusive relationship will simply continue to be attracted to abusers. Of course, it's all very complicated and comes from childhood and it's tragic. There are exceptions, but sad to say, either way, she values you only as a friend. With your feelings running deep, I think you owe it to yourself to let her know you must make a clean break and regret you can no longer actively be her friend as you need to forget about her and move on and can't do that with her around.

 

The sooner you refocus on doing fun things and just get busy and see friends that aren't her, the better. So sorry for this heartache.

[FoolishMan]

Im not to sure how she used you tho? if she made it clear she only wanted friends it sounds shes been rather up front. granted she doesn't have to keep bringing up the guy but you did ask what her plans were for the holiday. if hes going to date her hes going to become a bigger part of her life as time goes on. I think its best you cut ties now..also I don't believe her when she says shes not looking for a relationship peoples actions speak louder then words always..

 

Thanks TigerLilly, The reason I feel used is because when she feels down or bored, she calls me. She can be extremely flirty, says she misses me if she hasn't spoken to me in a few days. However, when she has her other friends (like right now), I don't get a look in. I know she is on holiday but in todays instant messaging world, a message is so so easy!

[FoolishMan]

I think because you were trying to be there for her to help her out of that abusive relationship, you assumed she'd turn to you once it ended, but now it's ended, she's ready to date and you were not who she had in mind. You were a dear friend for her and she knows that but she has been as clear as possible that she does not reciprocate your romantic feelings.

 

You may take this for what it is worth: Sometimes a women who has been in an abusive relationship will simply continue to be attracted to abusers. Of course, it's all very complicated and comes from childhood and it's tragic. There are exceptions, but sad to say, either way, she values you only as a friend. With your feelings running deep, I think you owe it to yourself to let her know you must make a clean break and regret you can no longer actively be her friend as you need to forget about her and move on and can't do that with her around.

 

The sooner you refocus on doing fun things and just get busy and see friends that aren't her, the better. So sorry for this heartache.

 

Unfortunatrly, you are right! Historically, she has been in a previous abusive relationship and says a lot of blokes have treated her bad. This current guy, she met in the street and exchanged info. He is very keen (does not live in same country as us), according to her. Not say he is bad but he is doing somethig right!

 

Knowing my feelings, my heart feels trampled on when she mentions him!

 

Thanks for your reply, I need this...

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

She has not used you. You are acting like she was obligated to be interested in you after her marriage broke up, or that it's "using" you to treat you as just a friend with no romantic intentions. Maybe she is mentioning this other guy not to hurt you, but to be sure you know that she's not interested. If your feelings really are this strong, you need to do as other posters have said and cut things off for the time being.

[Versacehottie]

It sounds cruel to me. To keep bringing him up. She's probably only saying that nothing will happen because it's not solid with them yet to the point that she wants to tell people, especially you. She is getting best of both worlds in you a friend and ego boost while she is not with someone. Once you confessed your feelings, if she had some decency and respect for you as her true good friend, she would give it some space for a while so you could get over it. She sounds like she is only thinking about herself at your expense--that's not a friend or respectful. Ugh, another kind of desperate woman. Cut contact.

[FoolishMan]

No, she is not obliged to like me. I helped her through hermarraige breakup seeing another person in distress and stuck in a hopeless situation. Like I said, when I did tell her I had feelings for her, it let agenie out of the bottle. It was my mistake as I now know I flitations as something more....

 

Versacehottie, you are right in that I wished she showed me some compassion and left me alone. You also reminded me that she also tried to send me a pic of her guy. She was disappointed when I said I didn't want to see it...

 

The problem is, what do I do if she contacts me on her return? I hate ignoring people, which means I have to explain myself. I am dreading that too!

 

Thanks.

[Targetlock]

You need to be honest and upfront with her, you need a clean break and let this circle end so you can move on with your life. yeah i know it sucks but i think you are holding out for something that will never happen.

[d0nnivain]

You are her friend. She does not see you in a romantic way. She keeps telling you about this other guy so you will get the message that she is not interested or available to you. She does this because she would like to keep your friendship & therefore doesn't want to directly shoot you down.

 

If it is too painful to just be her friend & watch her with these other guys, put some distance in your relationship & go out & find a woman who wants to date you.

[FoolishMan]

Thanks for all your compationate and honest replies, it has really helped!

 

I now do not intend to contact her. Should she decide to contact me on her return, then I will be frank with her. I need my sanity back if anything.

 

It has to be said that I do not know why she keeps mentioning this guy despite your hypotheses as the last time we spoke on this issue, she said that she can see that mentioning him hurts me and she won't mention him again. She also went a bit funny on me when I said I needed to stop talking to her. Initially, she said I was punishing her and then basically my feelings were my own and she had no fault in creating them....

 

As with all things, time will tell... I suppose I have myself to blame for not having the determination to walk away last time.

 

Thanks again guys!!

[Versacehottie]

It has to be said that I do not know why she keeps mentioning this guy despite your hypotheses as the last time we spoke on this issue, she said that she can see that mentioning him hurts me and she won't mention him again. She also went a bit funny on me when I said I needed to stop talking to her. Initially, she said I was punishing her and then basically my feelings were my own and she had no fault in creating them....

 

 

She keeps mentioning even though she said she would not because she is being selfish and unkind. She is also selfish to the point (or immature, which seems silly to say about someone who has been married before but hey it happens) to the point that she won't let you do what you need to do if it inconveniences her. "I need to stop talking to you, so I can get on with my life" and she says "no" and tells you that you're wrong and it's not her fault?!!???!! Lame. Fault is not the issue at all. Friendship is. So what she should have said is: i feel bad but I understand some space and time will be best for you/us and I'm sure down the road we can be close friends again---or something like that. She has NO PROBLEM putting herself first, at your expense. You have now to put yourself first. Even if you are uncomfortable talking about it to her, doing stuff that's uncomfortable to get what you want (sanity, feeling better) is important and the first step.

 

You can do a slow fade on her and your friendship or just don't contact her until she contacts you and then say one or two sentences explaining that you are going to limit contact or don't want to talk to her due to your feelings right now. Strong statement of action, which doesn't need a lot of explanation. It sounds like you have talked about your feelings at least twice so she doesn't deserve an extended explanation. She knows the reason, is just exploiting it. And if you really think about it she should see this coming! It's just a matter of when and who. She is either going to do it to you when one of these guys clicks or you get mad enough about it that you absolutely can't stand to be around her anymore. Frankly, for your own sake, why wait until she outright does it to you. Much more devastating. You know what you should do--you're just stuck between what you want and what is best for you. Take care of yourself by cutting contact so you can heal and meet the next person with potential to make you happy. She is taking up valuable space in your life that once you feel better you can open up and give to someone else. You owe it to yourself. Good luck!

[FoolishMan]

She keeps mentioning even though she said she would not because she is being selfish and unkind. She is also selfish to the point (or immature, which seems silly to say about someone who has been married before but hey it happens) to the point that she won't let you do what you need to do if it inconveniences her. "I need to stop talking to you, so I can get on with my life" and she says "no" and tells you that you're wrong and it's not her fault?!!???!! Lame. Fault is not the issue at all. Friendship is. So what she should have said is: i feel bad but I understand some space and time will be best for you/us and I'm sure down the road we can be close friends again---or something like that. She has NO PROBLEM putting herself first, at your expense. You have now to put yourself first. Even if you are uncomfortable talking about it to her, doing stuff that's uncomfortable to get what you want (sanity, feeling better) is important and the first step.

 

You can do a slow fade on her and your friendship or just don't contact her until she contacts you and then say one or two sentences explaining that you are going to limit contact or don't want to talk to her due to your feelings right now. Strong statement of action, which doesn't need a lot of explanation. It sounds like you have talked about your feelings at least twice so she doesn't deserve an extended explanation. She knows the reason, is just exploiting it. And if you really think about it she should see this coming! It's just a matter of when and who. She is either going to do it to you when one of these guys clicks or you get mad enough about it that you absolutely can't stand to be around her anymore. Frankly, for your own sake, why wait until she outright does it to you. Much more devastating. You know what you should do--you're just stuck between what you want and what is best for you. Take care of yourself by cutting contact so you can heal and meet the next person with potential to make you happy. She is taking up valuable space in your life that once you feel better you can open up and give to someone else. You owe it to yourself. Good luck!

 

Versacehottie, I don't think she is unkind but I do think she is selfish. Thanks for your thoughts, TBH, you have echoed a voice in my head that has shouting what you have said quite loudly! You have been quite uncanny!

 

Thank you.

[FoolishMan]

Hi,

 

Just thought I'd update you on my saga as I received an unexpected phone call today from her! She said she missed me and wanted to come home from her holiday. As it turned out, she met her man abroad and is upset as she feel used by him.

 

I couldn't believe that she would tell me this while still being there. I dutifully listened and tried to set her straight but I feel strangely like a weight has been lifted off me. The thought of sorry but you chose the wrong one!

 

For the first time in ages, I feel good .... not that I rejoice in other people's misfortunes but kind of set free from the depths of my despair!

[Diezel]

You do know she is only reaching out to you because it didn't go well with the other guy, right? It doesn't mean she REALLY likes you now.

 

You're just Plan B.

[FoolishMan]

You do know she is only reaching out to you because it didn't go well with the other guy, right? It doesn't mean she REALLY likes you now.

 

You're just Plan B.

 

Oh yes, I can see that very clearly! I do not intend to be plan B, she really has taken my feelings for her for granted. Some of the posts on this thread have cleared things up quite a bit for me.

 

Thanks.

Edited July 3, 2014 by FoolishMan

[FoolishMan]

I have just received a message from her to say she has returned last night!

 

My heart is glad but my brain is not, this is going to be a titanic struggle.

 

Give me strength!!!

[preraph]

Stay focused on what's good for you and what will help you move on best. You've worried enough about her.

[FoolishMan]

Stay focused on what's good for you and what will help you move on best. You've worried enough about her.

 

Preraph - thank you!

[iiiii]

Sounds like you are both using each other, to be honest.

 

She is not strong enough to cut ties with you although she probably does know it would be best for you. She's pretending you are a friend, because that is what she would like you to be - but I think deep down, both you and her probably know that you are not a true friend (you are a wannabe boyfriend - if you were a true friend, you'd be happy for her when she got into a relationship with a new guy, not jealous).

 

You, on the other hand, want to have her as a girlfriend, but since she has declined that, you pretend to be a friend while secretly resenting the fact that she's not your girlfriend, and getting jealous when she asks you to do what a true friend does (listen to her talk about her boyfriend!)

 

Cut ties with her. I know it's an incredibly hard thing to do, but what is going on now is not doing either of you any favours.

[todreaminblue]

just because she was cruel to you doesnt mean you should be the same back.....rejoicing in her being hurt doesnt sound very caring to me......

 

neither does she consider your feelings....your motive fro friendship with her is something more than friendship and she hasnt considered your feelings at all

 

getting back at people when they expose themselves or are vulnerable with you isnt a nice trait to have on your behalf...let her go do so kindly......if that iswhat you wish to cut contact dont be mean or rejoice, you know what its like to be hurt...so dont hurt another...even if she was inconsiderate and selfish...doesnt give you the right to be the same.......

 

 

 

 

be respectful and break the friendship off if you dont want her in your life anymore...make a decision stick to it......dont play with her.....its not right...make it clear and let her and you move on seperately if that si what you really want...if its not, make yrou intentions clear and straight up......deb

[FoolishMan]

just because she was cruel to you doesnt mean you should be the same back.....rejoicing in her being hurt doesnt sound very caring to me......

 

neither does she consider your feelings....your motive fro friendship with her is something more than friendship and she hasnt considered your feelings at all

 

getting back at people when they expose themselves or are vulnerable with you isnt a nice trait to have on your behalf...let her go do so kindly......if that iswhat you wish to cut contact dont be mean or rejoice, you know what its like to be hurt...so dont hurt another...even if she was inconsiderate and selfish...doesnt give you the right to be the same.......

 

be respectful and break the friendship off if you dont want her in your life anymore...make a decision stick to it......dont play with her.....its not right...make it clear and let her and you move on seperately if that si what you really want...if its not, make yrou intentions clear and straight up......deb

 

You may have misread my post, I have NO intentions of rejoicing in her misfortunes. I was just stunned that chose to call me.... 4,000 miles away to tell me what happened! She has travelled out to where she was with friends (something I neglected to mention), so she is not alone. I made a conscious decision that the fortnigt she was away was a good time for me to do some distancing. I even scribbled my thoughts on a piece of paper to remind myself of my feelings and intentions later on.

 

Maybe there is some truth in that we are essentially trying to use/mould the other into something that isn't going to happen.... I.e.me as a friend to her and her as a lover to me.

My only 2 defences is that 1.> I have expressed my feelings to her very clearly more than once. 2.> I have told her that I need to stop talking to her as I cannot be a true platonic friend with my feelings. So far, she has rejected both and continues to speak to me as a platonic friend and share her romantic desires which is really rubbing salt in my wounds.

 

She has returned, messaged me to tell me but I did not instantly reply (something I usually do), infact, I turned my phone off and went to bed. This morning, I was bombarded with messages along the lines of where are you? Why no reply? She is very quick to note that something is not normal if I do not reply.... I was close to tears as I did not want to reply but the phone kept going off.

 

Essentially, I know what I need to do but I don't know if I can do it as she can be so insistent. I should force the issue and do no contact but I do not want to do it and then return to contact her. I am attempting a slow climb down.

Edited July 7, 2014 by FoolishMan