Tonia2 Posted February 17, 2005 Share Posted February 17, 2005 Got a text this morning from ex that I instigated NC with one week ago: 'Hi sweetheart. not talking but it wld be nice to know you are ok? that u are eating a git, not smoking not boozing and no mad spending sprees? i miss you'. what do you make of that please? i sent pretty curt response saying that i was fine and thanking him for his concern. Link to post Share on other sites
_Saffy_ Posted February 17, 2005 Share Posted February 17, 2005 argh! you responded. yours did to you exactly what mine did to me on valentines day...........checked in to see if ya still dangling. and you did to yours exactly what i did to mine on valentines day...........you responded and proved you are. Link to post Share on other sites
DinNJ Posted February 17, 2005 Share Posted February 17, 2005 SUCKER!!! Fishing is easy in that pond... he threw the bait, and you were hungry. He's satisfied. What do I make of it??? Hmmmm... just like Saffy said... he was just checkin' in on ya.... probably for selfish reasons. No Contact = no contact. Next time, at least give him a chance to sweat a little. Link to post Share on other sites
_Saffy_ Posted February 17, 2005 Share Posted February 17, 2005 Din shooooooosh with the "sucker" crap. just because someone responds to someone that they were/are in love with doesnt make them a sucker. walking away from someone that you cared for is not easy, you KNOW that, and yeah whilst some people may be extremely bitter, others arent. Link to post Share on other sites
sad123 Posted February 17, 2005 Share Posted February 17, 2005 My ex called me three times. And when I didn't respond he resulted to text messaging me and further calling me the next day. I was really cold to him...it's been a year from today since we broke up, however, we maintain contact. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tonia2 Posted February 17, 2005 Author Share Posted February 17, 2005 My reply was very factual - I'm Ok, busy and getting on with things. Not a sweetheart to be had! I was actually quite pleased with myself! He is a very nice, honourable bloke (see previous thread) and I don't think he is trying to manipulate me. He is also pretty emotionally naive for a 37 year old, and I think he is just saying how he is feeling at the time. I think he is trying to do the right thing, so I don't want to be a complete b*tch to him, you know? So consensus is there isn't much to read into that then? I was hoping someone was going to tell me that he was regretting his decision! Link to post Share on other sites
DinNJ Posted February 17, 2005 Share Posted February 17, 2005 Din shooooooosh with the "sucker" crap. C'mon.... I put a smiley face at the end of it. Truth is... I've been that situation before... and learned from it. I just thought it was funny about the no contact comment, and then making contact. Kinda defeats the purpose, ya know? Of course it's hard... I'll be the first one to admit that.... in fact, I'm going through it now. HATE IT! But it's making me a better person for it. I was hoping someone was going to tell me that he was regretting his decision! There is a slight chance of this. Why else would he want to contact to you? His mind is probably racing just like yours. Which usually leads to self doubt and breaking contact. He was probably thinkin'.... "Hmmm, why haven't I heard from her... wonder how's she's doing... wonder if she's with someone else? Geez, I hope not.... maybe I should find out if she still thinks about me... Yea, I'll think I write her short note..." "Ahhhh a response... and wasted no time getting back to me either..... Yup, she loves me." Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tonia2 Posted February 17, 2005 Author Share Posted February 17, 2005 Well he won't have got anything from my reply... if the tables were turned that would have me even more curious, you know... getting on with it implies that I am surviving (even though I'm not really). He did say that some time apart might be what he needs, but I always got the impression that was largely to break it to me gently (although he did say this unprovoked). It sucks - if I am not into someone, I am over them and do not need to know whether they are 'on a spending spree' etc. I would never dump someone and leave the door open, or be ambivalent about it/ have second thoughts. Am I unusual in this? Link to post Share on other sites
Sharmaine Posted February 17, 2005 Share Posted February 17, 2005 if I am not into someone, I am over them and do not need to know whether they are 'on a spending spree' etc. I would never dump someone and leave the door open, or be ambivalent about it/ have second thoughts. Am I unusual in this? No you are not, because the above is me too. I wouldn't mail/text an ex, if I was over them/wanted nothing more to do with them, because in doing stuff like that, you may be giving your ex false hope and I wouldn't want to do that. It's 'insensitive' to say the least. I reckon ex's that still text/mail, etc are obviously still exes that carry a lot of feelings, are unsure of if they've done the right thing or not, hence their keeping you hanging on. An ex who doesn't give a crap about you, wouldn't text/mail you.......IMO anyhow. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tonia2 Posted February 17, 2005 Author Share Posted February 17, 2005 Maybe its a man thing? Men out there??? Or are the ones that are on these forums sensitive souls who wouldn't dream of sending mixed messages? I know he cares for me as a person, but he has frequently broken the NC thing since I asked him to observe it, and that smacks of someone who is not at all comfortable with being 'broken up'. People tell me not to read anything into these things, but it is quite hard... Link to post Share on other sites
Sharmaine Posted February 17, 2005 Share Posted February 17, 2005 I know he cares for me as a person, but he has frequently broken the NC thing since I asked him to observe it, and that smacks of someone who is not at all comfortable with being 'broken up'. Well ya know, you do have a choice as to whether you answer his texts or not. You are asking him to observe this 'no contact', yet you are failing to keep to it yourself and he knows you are. He's probably laughing himself daft at how so easily you lose your resolve when it comes to him!! I wouldn't answer anymore texts/emails. Stick to what you say and mean it! He'll get the shock of his life!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tonia2 Posted February 17, 2005 Author Share Posted February 17, 2005 youre probably right, but we never had a game-playing relationship - hes 37 and has been married, so has a bit of experience. he genuinely cares for my welfare and i thought it would be really quite cruel to ignore his 4th attempt to get in touch. He won't provoke me again though. Link to post Share on other sites
April22 Posted February 17, 2005 Share Posted February 17, 2005 Originally posted by Tonia2 Maybe its a man thing? Men out there??? Or are the ones that are on these forums sensitive souls who wouldn't dream of sending mixed messages? Wow, that one literally made me laugh out loud. I don’t think it is always intended, but mixed messages are always sent at some time in the relationship Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tonia2 Posted February 18, 2005 Author Share Posted February 18, 2005 Yeah, but thats my point. There isn't meant to be a relationship anymore. When I break up with someone, there are absolutely no mixed messages. It is clean and decisive. See what I mean? Link to post Share on other sites
jen03 Posted February 21, 2005 Share Posted February 21, 2005 Hey I don't understand this aspect of the No Contact thing - Ok, some break time is needed, but after a while if you DON'T reply back to him then aren't you just screwing with his head and making him think you really don't care when you actually DO? I mean, is it really such a bad thing for him to say "Yup, she loves me"/she's in my control. If you really do love him and care for him, then aren't you sending him the RIGHT message by responding the way you want? Whatever happened to just being up front with people? Gah. Link to post Share on other sites
DinNJ Posted February 21, 2005 Share Posted February 21, 2005 Whatever happened to just being up front with people? Gah. That is sooooo 1980's People try to use NC for two different reasons... 1. To make the 'dumper' worry and wonder that they may have made a mistake... hoping they come to their senses and come back. Then the 'dumpee' is suppose to 'play it cool' in order to gain the control back. OR- 2. Others use it to 'get over' their mean and rotten ex's. These are the ones who shouldn't respond AT ALL.. Because they truly are better off without the ex. at least that's how I see it. Is #1 a game??? Hmmm... some will say it is... others will call it... 'standing up for themselves' #2... is all about gaining emotional independence back. Link to post Share on other sites
jen03 Posted February 21, 2005 Share Posted February 21, 2005 Yes, but what if the other person you're trying NC with is confused, too? I've read some posts here with people who are trying NC and it doesn't always sound like the other person is the "bad guy" (or bad girl). When you do the NC thing (even after the other party tries contacting you back!), I feel like it's only a temporary solution to a much bigger problem/issue. What's wrong with then doing a "talk" right after he/she "checks up" on you? To talk out feelings and get things cleared up once and for all? Link to post Share on other sites
DinNJ Posted February 21, 2005 Share Posted February 21, 2005 chances are 'they' broke your heart and made you suffer.... left you without answers... DIDN'T wanna talk to you when they were splitting... THEN... they decide to come back??? And you're suppose to just say with open arms.."I forgive you, welcome back..." ???? Nooo.... ya gotta put up a little fight... (game) sad as it is. If you ask me, it's not even worth it. I played the NC thing over and over and over again with an ex... she would always split... then come back... I'd forgive her.... then she'd split.... get back together. Guess what??? An ex is ex for a reason. Needless to say I am no longer with my ex... and happy about it. I use to play NC to get her back... now I play it to keep her away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tonia2 Posted February 21, 2005 Author Share Posted February 21, 2005 Last night I called him to get the lay of the land before i see him on Thursday (who am i kidding? i was lonely!) He said that nothing has changed, and won't until he moves back into his own flat (end of next week - he is staying on mate's sofas at the moment) and can have some time to himself to get some perspective. I was of course pretty disappointed. He said he loves me, misses me so much blah blah blah. I said Thursday would be weird, as he wouldn't be able to touch me etc. He said, very sincerely that he hoped he would be able to touch me (????) what is up with these men who want it all? Any suggestions? I really think I have to go and see what it is like, but I am terrified of the pain of seeing my soulmate, and the man that I lived with for the last year and had projected all my future kids on as a 'friend'. Has anyone done this (who was in a serious, adult relationship with thoughts of marriage) before? What are their experiences? Link to post Share on other sites
pinkgirl Posted February 21, 2005 Share Posted February 21, 2005 hey everyone im new here and needed some advice please! i have been in a relationship with a guy i reallllly care about for about 2 years, the last year has been kinda an off and on, up and down thing. and recently he has changed a lot (and he gives diff reasons for it such as..its school or its pointless) what he means by its pointless is that we are of 2 diff religions and our families would never allow us to be together in the end. but we still like each other and stuff but its just that recently he's been doing things that a bf wouldnt do..and he's treating me just like a regular friend and it bothers me b/c he never used to be like this and so i tell him that..and ive been telling him that for the past few weeks now and he will give reasons for it (as listed above) but he will still try to be a bit better but after a few days it will go back to the way it was and we will fight and he will be better for a few days, etc...its a constant circle. after this may i wont be able to see him at all anymore (and for the past 2 years ive seen him just about every other day cuz he lives in another city an hour away) so i want to keep things between as good even as just friends after may. but a few days ago we got into another fight and i told him that we would not talk to each other at all anymore for good and i swear to god on that so he said ok and we hung up. right afterwards, he texted me to tell me that he just needed space and that why dont i try to see that we are both wasting each other's time...i didnt reply. then the next day, allll day, his away message online was "im sorry" and thats it. we havent talked to each other since and it has been almost 2 days now. but its killing me and i know its killing him bc we tried to do this last week too and he gave up within a day. we usually talk to each other many times a day and now its down to none. and also the thing is...all our friends are mutual..so if i try to avoid hanging out with him, i'll basically have no one to hang out with. i feel this is all so dumb esp since we wont have this chance again after may and all so i dont know what to do. i am unhappy both ways- being with him and being without him. i know he will try to make me happy while i am with him but it only lasts for a few days and i dont know if im just being a brat about it either. please help!!!!!!!!! and thank you in advance Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tonia2 Posted February 24, 2005 Author Share Posted February 24, 2005 This isn't really appropriate to this thread anymore, as tonight is the night I am seeing him for the first time in 3 weeks. We are going to a gig together. (sorry if you are getting bored of me venting people) So he is staying out of town and calls to ask if he can sleep in my spare room. It took all the advice of my mates on the planet and every shred of willpower to say no. Did i do the right thing? I do NOT want to scupper our chances of getting back together, but I do not want to be a doormat. Question is, do you think I am spoiling the intimacy between us by refusing this? Are there any disadvantages to not letting him stay? Why would he ask something like this of me? Does anyone else think it is totally inappropriate? Should I not be reading anything into it? Link to post Share on other sites
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