considering separation from dh

[jade_nc]

i don't want our marriage to end, but i cannot keep reliving the same issues over and over without resolve. he has a problem with being honest with me. it's now to the point where i feel like if i don't check his "story" on a daily basis, i'll be hurt by another lie. he lies to me about our finances and about where he's been.

 

this has been going on since the beginning of our relationship.....although, i was unaware of it at the time. the last six months have been the worst though. he's obtained credit cards behind my back, lied to me about purchases and cash advances, and offers no explanation for where the money has gone, lied to me about going to a strip club....and more.

 

we've had the same discussion 4 times in the last six months. i tell him that i need to be able to trust him, and that in order for me to trust him he cannot lie to me. he tells me he'll try not to lie to me anymore....that he wants my trust and that he understands how i feel and what i need. then he lies and the cycle starts all over.

 

nothing that i have said or done seems to have made an impact. i found out about more lies yesterday, confronted him and he's acting like there's nothing wrong. i told him i'm seriously considering a separation, and i got no response.

 

he's against counseling. he doesn't believe that a third party can help. i just don't know what to do. has anyone had a successful separation and reconciliation?? could time apart be what our marriage needs??

[rble618740]

I'll try to keep my background info. short - because this thread is about you, not me. My husband left me after nine months of marriage. I had legitimate concerns about him (he didn't work, he stayed out late drinking, he was spending what I was making, he acted single, etc.) and he had legitimate concerns about me (I verbally attacked him, we argued all the time, my approach to our issues was REALLY bad, etc.). He left with no intention of ever coming back. He did come back, 2 1/2 months later. It has been a tough, but very rewarding road.

 

When my husband first left, I did what you're doing. I put feelers out to see whether there was any hope that my marriage could make it. Looking back I realize that whether your marriage can improve after a separation depends entirely on the two of you. I have to say that I was prepared to work very hard on my marriage even if my husband didn't. That's REALLY hard to do. As it turned out, I was working on my marriage alone for a while, but my husband became inspired by my efforts and he's been working his behind off for "us" ever since.

 

I will say that, when we separated, we had no issues with trust. I didn't believe he would ever lie to me, cheat on me, etc. The separation (because it was sudden and without any consideration for me) made me trust my husband less, and I've really had to work to convince myself that he won't run when times get hard. My husband also attended counseling with me while we were separted. I think this was very valuable (but I'm not sure he agrees).

 

If you have any questions that I can answer, I would be happy to! You're not alone and you will get through this!

 

Rach

 

 

P.S. By the way, if the NC in your screen name has to do with North Carolina, we're in the same state!

[Owl]

It sounds to me like he needs a wake up call. You've repeatedly told him what your needs are in this marriage...and he's repeatedly not met them. It's time to call HIS bluff...if he's not willing to meet those needs, then he needs to start understanding what the consequences of his decisions are. So, a seperation might very well be in order.

 

Or, you might consider making that counseling a "deal buster"....if he DOESN'T go with you to start working on the problem, then the seperation has to happen. He doesn't want to go to counseling because he doesn't want his lies and seperate life to come out in the open...it will be embarassing for him. BUT, if you don't fix the problem, it will ALWAYS be there.

 

Sounds like it's time for you to take a stand to me. Good luck!

[jade_nc]

thanks for the hope.

yes, that's where i am. i love it here.

[Mz. Pixie]

Hi Jade,

You don't say how long you've been married???

 

After 13 years of marriage, the last three continually begging my husband for counseling etc I left him. He had a major wake up call. The problem for me is I had been asking for so long now that he offers it I don't want it.

 

Our issues were not lying and stuff like that. It was him never being affectionate with me and always being selfish- putting himself above me and the children. I'm not sure I could handle lying about strippers and money- that's a biggie.

 

If you're truly committed to this person I would tell him it's counseling or divorce. That's the only real way to wake a man up. I tried everything- including telling him I was going to leave him- none of it worked.

[liquidbread11]

This is a familiar situation. My wife acted in similar fashion before she filed for divorce last year.

 

What I have discovered about this type of behavior and the situations that lead up to it is that one or both of the people in the relationship feel very strongly that there are important pieces missing. Over time, this often leads those individuals to fall out of love because the benefits of being with this person are being outweighed by the perceived detriments. After enough resentment has built up, that person will seek to fill those gaps, which typically includes going outside the relationship (i.e. cheating).

 

While this is a really unfortunate, depressing, and downright devastating situation, it is important to remember that very few people intend harm. Thus you hear the oft cited anecdote about how cheating husbands and wives love thier mate will all their heart and would never leave them despite having affairs. They really do love them! They are just trying to fill in the gaps to ease the strain. As a society, we do not condone this type of behavior, but those people engaging in this behavior are in so much distress that any outside influence becomes ineffective in barring them from considering them.

 

So what you get is secrets, lies, coverups, and unexplainable behavior. In the early stages, a relationship can be saved if these issues are discovered and confronted. Alternate means of dealing with the missing pieces have to be sought out and both people need to commit to doing so--BOTH people whole heartedly and not just in name only, or it won't work for any amount of effort. (Think about the last time you really wanted something and how hard you worked for it. That's the kind of effort that is needed.) However, the longer it drags on, the less likely it will be to recover because habits and behavioral patterns develop that eventually take a permanent place in that person's life.

 

From what you write, I think this is the case with your husband. This is going to be extremely painful and devastating, but you have to confront him face to face in no uncertain terms. If he is far enough gone, he will admit to it. If not, he will lie. If you are not convinced after several attempts at discussion, leave and stay somewhere else with a friend or family member. Walking out is an active and concrete display of power and intent. There can be no mistaking your seriousness to find out the truth if you pick up and leave. It demonstrates that you will not tolerate being lied to and are willing to protect yourself from further pain and suffering by removing yourself from the relatioship if necessary. It also places him in a defensive position, which is very good leverage for you. If you force him to have to react to you, then he will be at a great disadvantage if he tries to continue to deceive you.

 

The key is to remain firm in your position that you want to know the truth no matter how dirty and won't consider moving back or engaging with him again until you feel confident that you know the real truth. You must remain in control no matter how much it hurts. And it takes a LONG time. Believe me, he has enough resentment built up inside that it will buffer the initial shock of you leaving for easily weeks to months. Stay on course and never drift from finding out the truth, and the situation will be resolved for the best even if that means divorce.

 

Never forget that you married each other for good reasons. You cannot begin to return those good reasons back to the forefront of your relationship until the intervening mess is laid out on the table. Only then will you both be able to build up the necessary trust for the deep and meaningful love you once shared before. So, take time for yourself now and really look at your part in this. Figuring out your own contributions to the situation is a positive activity that can only lead to more fruitful relationships in the future. Give in to grief and feel the emotion. It is an important and unavoidable process, so you may as well engage it positively.

 

I followed my own advice nine months ago, and I have come through a terrible two years of war, divorce, suicide, death, job change, and a geographic move relatively unscathed and definitely ahead. I walked out, and she filed for divorce instead of reconciling. It's not what I wanted in the least, but I resolved to move on to greener pastures. I was utterly devastated for several months, did my self destruction, and have successfully moved into a singles frame of mind where my own life is the most important part of the world. I could have let it drag on for years, but I deserve better, and you do too. So take charge and make the hard calls. It won't kill you or ruin your life. Just invest in a lot of tissue and expect to have a high phone bill for awhile.

 

Hope this helps.

 

-K-

[tiki]

First question, what the hell is DH?! Everytime I see it, it seems to be in a different context...I thought it was divorced husband til just now. Damn husband? Dumb husband? lol...please enlighten me!!!

 

Anyway...onto your post....

 

Time apart might would help. Sure, you guys could come to the realization that you can't be apart from one another. Separation is better than divorce, it's kind of like a test drive. Better to test drive than to close the deal without knowing WTF will happen once "closed".

 

Do you have children?

 

Are you religious/Do you attend church? -- this is a SERIOUS option. I have seen many marriages that have lived in harmony thereafter because of God. Please consider this option.

 

Something else. If he's really TRULY interested in you believing his words, if he really wants to be a man of his word, he can! (Skip this part if he's not interested) Have him to start out small to build your trust back. Have him to promise you (something small) that HE KNOW'S that he will follow through on...for instance...I promise to take you to dinner and show you a good time, I promise to mow the grass, I promise to take out the trash, etc. Then he follows through and has kept a promise, even if it's little one. You learn to trust him a little at a time. Not big, huge promises, but little ones. Ones that *he* can stick to and feel proud about. One that makes him stand proud because he was a man of his word. Then he can go to bigger promises. I promise to love you and only you forever, I promise to save for the kid's college fund, etc, etc.

 

You'd be surprised at how a man wants nothing more than to please his wife, be there for his family, being the backbone and stronghold of it.

 

I, too, have some trust issues. I'm learning that this is working in my marriage. I thought of this plan, and I hope it works for you, if you decide to try it.

 

Good luck.

[jade_nc]

we've been living together for 5 yrs. married for 2.

we have a 2 yr old, and we are parents to my 2 children from a previous marriage. i'm also pregnant. he didn't want me to have the baby.....i basically told him to get over it. that's an entirely other story that i posted on previously.

 

i attend church regularly. he does not (will not) attend with me.

 

as i do not live near my family, and have been in the area for less than a year, it will be difficult (with 3 kids) to find somewhere to stay. i don't know many people well enough to really ask, and the ones i do don't have room for 4. also, i quit my job to relocate for his position - so income is an issue.

 

i'm starting to sound like i'm making excuses! i'll just have to find a way. i don't think he's going to take this seriously until i do.

 

(sorry - in the forum i used to be on, dh was for "dear husband")

[Mz. Pixie]

Liquid Bread- fantastic post! It brought tears to my eyes. That expresses so much about what happened in my marriage.

 

He didn't want you to have the baby??? HIS BABY?? Did he happen to think about that before he dipped his wick so to speak?

 

I'm dumbfounded by that.

 

If you do attend church the situation you might have yourself in is you are yoked with a unbeliever- have you thought about that?

 

I hate to see you waste another minute with this guy- he has serious issues and with a baby on the way you don't need that!