Unable to cope with sister's new "relationship."

[TragicAlliance]

Okay, so it's been a WHILE since I've been on the forums, but the thing that brings me back is something I have NO CLUE how to handle... and I desperately need advice.

 

So I'm a 26-year-old woman with two sisters - my older half-sister is about to turn 41 and my younger sister is 24. I worry a ton about my younger sister, but that would be a post for another day. No, my main trouble is with my older sister.

 

She has had terrible choice in men, and at 41 has two daughters by two men. My oldest niece is 18 and has a year-old daughter of her own - her father, though he battled with a few demons, was a decent, good man who cared for his wife and daughter. He eventually divorced my sister, and I'm pretty sure it was because he couldn't stand my sister's behavior.

 

Her next husband was an drug-abusing, violent, bipolar felon who beat her repeatedly (I witnessed injuries sustained from one of his beatings after getting her out of town away from him) and stalked her. During her relationship with this scary guy, she turned up pregnant again. She had another little girl, though not by her husband but another man she was dating at the same time. (And it could've been this other man or this other man's son, because she slept with both of them at separate times during the fling.)

 

After years of abuse by the second ex-husband, he finally was locked away in jail and she has decided she's "done" with the felon. I was ecstatic since I saw just how crazy this man was... until I heard who she is with now.

 

Her first cousin. She is having a sexual relationship with her first cousin. But she dances around the whole "he's your first cousin" thing like it's no big deal. Frankly, it disgusts me and I can't accept it. Not even because of the whole relation thing... but because she's exposing her now 2-year-old daughter - my little niece - to this. Earlier this evening my sister posted a picture of her "boyfriend" with my niece and I found myself enraged in a way I didn't expect. I had to hide the picture because it literally turned my stomach.

 

At what point do you quit caring about yourself and your sex life and actually do right by your children? She barely parented my older niece - who now has a beautiful little girl of her own but a horribly nasty attitude and no real concern for her child - and now she's doing the exact same thing to her youngest child. It's infuriating - my sister is 41! The time for being selfish and "wild" (or whatever she's calling this) has long since passed.

 

I'm now scared to death for my youngest niece. My sister dated a former police officer (the girl's real father) and I'm afraid that if he found out and wanted to be vindictive, he could let it slip to someone that my sister is in a sexual relationship with her first cousin and that he's concerned for his daughter's well-being. Admittedly this is a lie as he's never wanted to do anything for the girl, but he has made hints that he harbors resentment towards my sister. Add to that the fact my sister's mother is a registered sex offender (child molestation charges years ago), and I am terrified the authorities will take my 2-year-old niece away. I'm in no financial position to take and raise a child on my own but would make every effort to try if it came to that, but I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to make a case.

 

I used to think I was a pretty accepting and tolerant person - to me, a person can believe/do whatever they want so long as they don't force their opinions on me. To me, it's all about personality and honesty - be yourself and be up front about who you are, and I'll be perfectly happy to get to know you and be your friend. I'm not judgmental based on color, sex, creed, orientation, religion, whatever... but what my older sister is doing? There is no way I will ever be accepting of this. I don't care that he's biracial, I don't care that he's also done time in jail (for what I don't know)... I care that he's her blood cousin and she's doing this in front of her children.

 

I know that this is an issue I can't avoid, being that I try to be there for my younger niece as much as I can be (I didn't get to meet my older niece until she was 7 whereas with my younger niece I've been there since Day One) and I know my sister won't bother keeping it secret from me. I don't think I could be able to be in the same room as them without causing a scene, and I'm a pacifist. My little niece shouldn't be punished because my older sister wants to continue pretending she's 18 years old.

 

I desperately need advice on if there's ANY chance my niece's custody could be in jeopardy by my sister's selfish and sickening choices. If she were to lose that beautiful little girl because she was so desperate for a man that she went with a cousin, I would never forgive her and I could see the whole family doing much of the same. Am I being closed-minded for refusing to accept my sister's relationship? Our younger sister has said that so long as our sister is happy and he isn't abusing her, it's cool. But I can't be that way, and I won't. I'm all for "do what makes you happy," but there's a line and it's been crossed.

[Tressugar]

Here's my piece of advice: stay out of your sister's business. She's grown. As long as your niece has the basic necessities of life (including emotional and financial) then it is really nothing you can do about it. Therefore it will be less stress on you. Be there for your sister when the chips fall.

[TragicAlliance]

I definitely agree, and that's what I intended to do - stay out of it as much as possible. I guess I'm just troubled by how sick it makes me feel when I hear mention of it and I feel wrong or bad because I refuse to accept it... to the point that when anyone talks about it, I excuse myself or I silently fume about it. I'm also scared that there could be repercussions that would have my niece taken away from the family... I think that's my biggest fear. I can eventually get over my sister's choices - I would never be able to get over losing my little "pocket monster" niece.

[Leigh 87]

This is disgusting.

 

Your poor niece has a mother who is dating this little girls SECOND cousin.

 

Sorry but I don't think your sister deserves custody of her daughter if she is going to put her own selfish needs before her own daughter.

 

I'm shocked.

 

... I'm imaging my MUM dating my second cousin.

[Leigh 87]

I definitely agree, and that's what I intended to do - stay out of it as much as possible. I guess I'm just troubled by how sick it makes me feel when I hear mention of it and I feel wrong or bad because I refuse to accept it... to the point that when anyone talks about it, I excuse myself or I silently fume about it. I'm also scared that there could be repercussions that would have my niece taken away from the family... I think that's my biggest fear. I can eventually get over my sister's choices - I would never be able to get over losing my little "pocket monster" niece.

 

 

 

Your sister is unfit to me a mother. She dates her daughters second cousin. This is seriously unhealthy.

 

Your sister needs to get well. She needs to be mentally stable in order to raise he child.

 

She may love her daughter to bits but she has something missing...something is obviously not quiet right with your sister. Your sisters unhealthy mindset could negatively impact your nieces well being.

[TragicAlliance]

Yeah, I'm seriously concerned. My older sister hasn't always shown the best decision-making abilities throughout the time I've known her (She didn't like me when I was born, so I didn't even know she existed until I was 13). She's got a short temper, has occasionally had issues with pills/alcohol, seriously didn't really raise her oldest daughter, sleeps around a lot, and generally does act like she's still 18. I by no means am a pinnacle of perfection (I fought substance abuse issues years ago, can be passive-aggressive/impatient/irrational, and kinda refused to grow up until recently), but my family has often said I show the most maturity of me and my 2 sisters - and that's a terrifying concept at times.

 

Humor aside, I remember telling my mother before my younger niece was born "You watch, Mama - I'm going to end up adopting or raising that baby." I'm now beginning to wonder if there was merit to my words. I'm not in a stable position to do this (starting a new full-time job at the end of July and am staying with my parents until I get the money for an apartment), but I'd try my best in a heartbeat to raise my niece if it came to that. My niece is already showing signs that scare me - she hits, spits, bites, and swears, and when you scold her or give her a gentle swat/slap on the wrist, she laughs and simply hits you back. I have tried scolding her, but one time I did my sister went and told everyone I was mean to her child and hit her. (I tapped her on the wrist with two fingers and took the biscuit she was tearing up and throwing around the restaurant away.)

 

I don't doubt that my sister loves her children, but she has become so selfish and so desperate for a man to love her that she is borderline neglecting the girls. This is wrong and somewhere deep down, she has to know it is. I just am afraid she won't realize it until it's too late and she would have lost everything. But if I try to express my concerns to her, she'd get angry and find a way to twist my words to make me the bad guy - she's done it several times in the past. (Including once with her drug-addicted ex-husband, saying I made up the story that he asked me to do crack with him.) The situation scares me because (1) I've never dealt with it and (2) it makes me feel a rage I've never experienced before.

[Leigh 87]

Your sister just needs professional help to make her understand how she is neglecting her children via making unhealthy choices.

 

A mentally wound mother would not date a cousin; even if your sister and cousin fell madly in love it is still grossly overlooking her children's needs by engaging in such an unhealthy relationship with a cousin. A FIRST cousin is even worse. It's sick. No mentally sound person would have it in them to date a FIRST cousin.

 

Are there mentally stable and responsible, professional family members who could take care of your sisters daughter while she gets the professional help she so needs in order to start making sound decisions for her daughters future.

 

It sounds like she needs an intervention. She is obviously incapable of understanding that her actions are very unhealthy and will adversely impact her poor children.

[Radu]

First of all i'd like to address this first cousin business.

In a good number of countries in the world, as well as states in the US, marrying and conceiving children with your first cousin is not illegal.

Maybe immoral, maybe it shows poor rational abilities, maybe a lot of things, but from a legal pov, it is either illegal or legal in your area, regardless of what you personally believe.

Second, this first cousin business is not the real issue at hand.

One of the issues is that half of your family is seriously messed up, and long term, most likely the child will also be messed up.

Both of those children will be messed up, the chances of this happening are quite strong.

 

And finally, the only thing you can do is to work on yourself, and make sure you are on the right path so that the ones who come after you [and through you], the children, will avoid this horrible cycle.

Maybe your baby niece will be one of these, though my cynic self doubts it.