Surprise

[jwi71]

I agree and thank-you for the reality check.

 

I've been kind of floating on a cloud this weekend. I saw MM yesterday and today after not seeing each other for a week (I started a new job) and it was most intense.

 

Today he was the most outwardly demonstrative that I have ever seen him. He's not a big I love you guy but today he spent about half an hour to an hour telling me how much he loves me, how much I mean to him, how he thinks about me all day, every day.

 

Don't get me wrong I did advise him how hard it is to be with a married man, and how lucky he was that he still has me.

 

I'll just re-post what you opened this thread with - all the answers you NEED you have now - and, if you read your post below, you had THEN.

 

So been with MM year and a half. He is married 35 years. Grandchild on the way. The longer it has gone on, the more open he is about it. This morning he was rubbing my back in public.

 

But here's the shocker: He told me he's leaving. He says its all fighting all the time at home and on July 15th he gets a big check and he's gone.

 

I kinda don't believe it, but that's what he said.

[solostand]

I know what my initial post was. That's why I said I kinda don't believe it. He doesn't have the courage.

[2sunny]

I know what my initial post was. That's why I said I kinda don't believe it. He doesn't have the courage.

 

It has nothing to do with courage. He's just selfish.

 

He wants his home life but also you when it's convenient.

 

He's a liar - he said he was leaving her when the check arrived.

 

He got the check - yet he's still there with his wife.

 

You should be mad as hell that he's just lying to you to keep you around.

 

IF you next - he MIGHT change his situation. For now, he has no reason to change it - you've made it really easy for him to have a very compliant other woman on the side.

[solostand]

I know. I just keep thinking patience will pay off. (I am aware of what that sentence may cause some of you to snort). I know he is in love with me. He's very unhappy at home. He is just afraid to take the plunge. But you're right, I am a very good other woman, to him. Very well behaved.

 

I also think he wants to get caught so he won't have to confess. I base this on the fact that we are almost an open couple when we are together. He is constantly touching me and rubbing my leg or putting his arm around me, in public. He just doesn't care, even when friends of his wife are around.

[solostand]

Also, the check didn't arrive until this week. . .but it did arrive.

[Nothisgirl]

I know. I just keep thinking patience will pay off. (I am aware of what that sentence may cause some of you to snort). I know he is in love with me. He's very unhappy at home. He is just afraid to take the plunge. But you're right, I am a very good other woman, to him. Very well behaved.

 

I also think he wants to get caught so he won't have to confess. I base this on the fact that we are almost an open couple when we are together. He is constantly touching me and rubbing my leg or putting his arm around me, in public. He just doesn't care, even when friends of his wife are around.

 

I'm really sorry you are suffering like this but I have to be honest if that's what you call love then I feel so bad for you. So he's flaunting you around town when people know he's married??? showing everyone that you're the other woman

?? what kind of respect does that show towards you? your reputation, and your feelings? And at what point do you say "I need to have more self-respect and not allow myself to be flaunted around like his side piece" just so he can feel like the big man in town... Not to mention his wife and how she would feel when her friends come running to her to tell her what they've seen .

 

Honestly he sounds like the most self cantered, narcissistic, cake eating married man I've heard of on here!!!

 

And as far as him not believing that you love him??? That is just another way of him manipulating .... Manipulating you, manipulating the situation. Now he has you believing that part of the reason he won't leave his W is because he doesn't think you love him??? That's messed up in so so many ways...

 

This a really messed up situation and I hope you see that soon, I really do

[2sunny]

Also, the check didn't arrive until this week. . .but it did arrive.

 

It actually has nothing to do with his check.

 

He's not leaving her. Married 35 years? Honey, married men lie - he just needs you to keep believing his lies.

 

Stop believing him.

 

Why would you even be interested in his lies anyway?

 

 

And you know what they say - IF he leaves and you become his wife - he then has a need to fill that vacancy spot of his OW.

[sisa]

He's not leaving her. Married 35 years? Honey, married men lie - he just needs you to keep believing his lies.

 

Stop believing him.

 

agree this.

 

when you start to see this clear, it can be well explain why he say he love you but at the same time don't even make a move.

[gettingstronger]

WOW I feel badly that you are still in this situation with no progress-you need to re-read your old threads and stand back and look at the situation as a whole- there is no way this is good for you-

[KaliLove]

I truly hope I have that realization sooner rather than later.

 

I understand this relationship is an addiction. In addiction, you have to WANT to NOT do something, more than you want to do it.

 

Some days I feel I'm there, but I just can't follow through.

 

I can understand this. My last relationship (not an affair, just a normal relationship) was like this too. I hope you have the strength to disengage soon. Therapy has helped me a LOT. It helps to have someone non-judgmental to talk to about it.

 

When it happens, you'll know. It's like slamming into a wall.

 

Good luck Solo.

[GreySkyMorning]

 

I told him I loved him but as usual, he refused to believe it. He has a serious problem believing that I love him. Every time I tell him I love him he says he doesn't believe it. He is so in lust or whatever that he thinks every man that I encounter wants to sweep me away. He also keeps saying "I don't understand why you could love an old man." There is a 15 year age difference. He also thinks I am dating other men (which I'm not but he doesn't have to know that.)

 

Oh, Solo, I heard this too, quite a bit at the end. My xMM wasn't older, so he didn't use that excuse, but he never really believed I loved him. In his words, "we could end up together and you could decide in six months that you don't love me anymore". Ironic since he was the one that decided he didn't love me anymore after it was all said and done.

 

Then there was the statement "you deserve to be happy and I'm holding you back from that, so if you want to move on and find someone else to make you happy, I understand. It will break my heart, but I will understand". (meanwhile turning a cold shoulder to me and cutting me off completely if I so much as mentioned anyone else)

 

Yet, he is still married, with a grandson to be born any week now.

 

Sweetie, he's not going to leave. Men like that don't leave. He is going to keep you hanging on as long as he can and then when the going gets to difficult, he'll cut you loose.

[2sunny]

Did he leave yet?

 

You see - it's now several weeks past his other timeline of July 15.

 

If he hasn't left - he's more likely not leaving.

 

He may be a terrible husband that just talks trash behind his wife's back - but I bet it's not so bad that he divorces her.

 

Why not go no contact until his little old divorce is final? You may find a great available man in the meantime!

[solostand]

No he hasn't left yet. But he sure is acting different - far far far more affectionate, he brought me flowers today out of his garden, told me he dreams about me at night and thinks about me all day. . .we have been saying ily for a long time now but he wasn't a gusher. Now he is like a teenager in love. I don't know what's going on.

[solostand]

He also said his wife asked him for sex this week (they have sex once six months or so) and he turned her down.

 

He also said his wife asked him if he was going to pick up a woman tonight when he was supposed to be going to a meeting. He was - me.

[MuddyFootprints]

Did he tell her that?

[ufo8mycat]

Long time reader, first time responder.

 

He is making sure you are sweet and that nothing will change. He didn't follow through and wants to make sure he sweet talks you into keeping things as they are.

 

I wouldn't read too much into it. This guy hasn't exactly shown that he words and actions are congruent. He can say anything he wants to and you take it on board. He can gush all he likes. You buy it, he stays married.

 

Win-win! And nothing changes.

 

Is that working out ok for you?

[Nothisgirl]

No he hasn't left yet. But he sure is acting different - far far far more affectionate, he brought me flowers today out of his garden, told me he dreams about me at night and thinks about me all day. . .we have been saying ily for a long time now but he wasn't a gusher. Now he is like a teenager in love. I don't know what's going on.

 

I'll tell you exactly what's going on...he's CONTINUING to eat cake, except he's upping the ante by being more affectionate because he promised to leave on the 15th and didn't so now he needs something to keep you hanging on...hence the extra affection and attention he's "showing".. And after reading your posts it's working...sorry solo but this is a trainwreck. I'm honestly appalled that you continue to allow him to behave this way and that you continue to enable his behaviour. It's so so unhealthy.

[DKT3]

Oh, Solo, I heard this too, quite a bit at the end. My xMM wasn't older, so he didn't use that excuse, but he never really believed I loved him. In his words, "we could end up together and you could decide in six months that you don't love me anymore". Ironic since he was the one that decided he didn't love me anymore after it was all said and done.

 

Then there was the statement "you deserve to be happy and I'm holding you back from that, so if you want to move on and find someone else to make you happy, I understand. It will break my heart, but I will understand". (meanwhile turning a cold shoulder to me and cutting me off completely if I so much as mentioned anyone else)

 

 

 

Sweetie, he's not going to leave. Men like that don't leave. He is going to keep you hanging on as long as he can and then when the going gets to difficult, he'll cut you loose.

 

Statistically speaking, MOST men (91%) don't leave for the OW. Of course so many OW think their MOM is different. Why leave if he doesn't have to and can still have his OW buying every lie, hanging of every word, while actions speak volumes. This MM isn't leaving, and he is having sex with his wife more then twice a year.

[GreySkyMorning]

No he hasn't left yet. But he sure is acting different - far far far more affectionate, he brought me flowers today out of his garden, told me he dreams about me at night and thinks about me all day. . .we have been saying ily for a long time now but he wasn't a gusher. Now he is like a teenager in love. I don't know what's going on.

 

Several people have told you what's going on. He didn't meet his deadline and he knows you're expecting more of him. So he has to up his actions and words in order to still keep you hanging on. Its definitely working too, isn't it?

[whichwayisup]

No he hasn't left yet. But he sure is acting different - far far far more affectionate, he brought me flowers today out of his garden, told me he dreams about me at night and thinks about me all day. . .we have been saying ily for a long time now but he wasn't a gusher. Now he is like a teenager in love. I don't know what's going on.

 

He is buttering you up. He isn't leaving or divorcing but he is manipulating you to continue the affair as it is and for you to be his OW.

[whichwayisup]

He also said his wife asked him for sex this week (they have sex once six months or so) and he turned her down.

 

He also said his wife asked him if he was going to pick up a woman tonight when he was supposed to be going to a meeting. He was - me.

 

Do you honestly believe this?

 

Please Solo, wake up and see this man is selfishly manipulating you, telling you what you want to hear.

[Hope Shimmers]

Come on Solostand. You know within yourself that he is doing this new "affection" thing because he didn't meet the "deadline" he gave you before and he wants you to be still on call to him.

 

He is 65 years old? How old are you? He has grandkids (or will). Do you really think a 65-year old man who is expecting his first grandchild is going to leave his comfortable life, especially when his OW Solostand is right there no matter what as long as he just "ups" the affection level? And while we're on that topic, is his age ideal to you?

 

Solostand, please find some self-respect and tell this man to never contact you again.

[bathtub-row]

Long time reader, first time responder.

 

He is making sure you are sweet and that nothing will change. He didn't follow through and wants to make sure he sweet talks you into keeping things as they are.

 

I wouldn't read too much into it. This guy hasn't exactly shown that he words and actions are congruent. He can say anything he wants to and you take it on board. He can gush all he likes. You buy it, he stays married.

 

Win-win! And nothing changes.

 

Is that working out ok for you?

 

This is why women are so often victimized -- because they can't fathom that someone they feel connected to and someone who says they love them would have this type of agenda. This can be a woman's most fatal downfall.

 

The truth is, if he were concerned about you and how he appears in your eyes, he would've honored his word about leaving on that date. Now that he hasn't, he's seeing just how much more he can push you. On your end, you're proving to him that you don't expect him to live up to his word, and that it's ok. He has ramped up the lovey-dovey talk and behavior because he knows that he's in real danger of losing you at this point.

 

Regardless of whether he's sincere or not, he has put you in a position to question him and his motives and, when a relationship is based on guessing games, you've lost. No matter what he ends up doing, you're proving to him that you don't have high standards for yourself. And, trust me, that's exactly what he sees and what he's thinking about.

 

The best you can do at this point, aside from just leaving him, is to tell him that you both need to stop kidding yourselves, accept the affair for what it is -- an affair -- and leave it at that. If you're ok with the situation as it is, I say go for it. But I'd put an end to all the expectations and his lies because it's a waste of time. Walking away from a 35-yr marriage is no small feat, and it's very rare that it ever happens.

 

This man and his wife are completely entrenched in one another's lives -- whether it's through love, hate, dysfunction, family, or all of the aforementioned -- they're entrenched. They've been together longer than they lived with their own parents. Think about that. No matter what, his wife has shared the biggest part of his life that anyone will ever share with him. Even if she got hit by a bus tomorrow, that fact will never change. Please do not underestimate the significance of that just because he spends a fraction of his time with you and finds solace away from his very complicated and entrenched marriage.

[2sunny]

No he hasn't left yet. But he sure is acting different - far far far more affectionate, he brought me flowers today out of his garden, told me he dreams about me at night and thinks about me all day. . .we have been saying ily for a long time now but he wasn't a gusher. Now he is like a teenager in love. I don't know what's going on.

 

This isn't even in the same ballpark as "I filed for divorce".

 

You said you don't ask him to do anything to leave her - so he isn't one bit pressured to change anything.

 

And he knows you are leaving him either.

 

Nothing will change. Do you accept that now?

[snowflakes88]

I'm really sorry you are suffering like this but I have to be honest if that's what you call love then I feel so bad for you. So he's flaunting you around town when people know he's married??? showing everyone that you're the other woman

?? what kind of respect does that show towards you? your reputation, and your feelings? And at what point do you say "I need to have more self-respect and not allow myself to be flaunted around like his side piece" just so he can feel like the big man in town... Not to mention his wife and how she would feel when her friends come running to her to tell her what they've seen .

 

Honestly he sounds like the most self cantered, narcissistic, cake eating married man I've heard of on here!!!

 

And as far as him not believing that you love him??? That is just another way of him manipulating .... Manipulating you, manipulating the situation. Now he has you believing that part of the reason he won't leave his W is because he doesn't think you love him??? That's messed up in so so many ways...

 

This a really messed up situation and I hope you see that soon, I really do

 

IIRC, this man is the same one who was sick and in the hospital -- and invited OP to come visit him with his wife present. And IIRC, she went and did it. No offense to OP, but both of them are severely lacking in boundaries and basic compassion.

 

And no, he is not leaving. He has no reason to when he knows you'll stick around regardless.