Surprise

[Pinklotus]

Give this guy the heave-ho. Another first-class jerk who thinks he can dictate exactly how you should look, act, be....imagine being married to him. He's cheating on his wife, he has what I am sure is a lovely mistress in you, yet he still criticizes you. He's not making you feel good. Why would you want to be with him? You are probably superior to him in nearly every way....is that the attraction? Do you think you can change him or make him better?

 

He will never change.

[Pinklotus]

Bolded: And this is why your affair isn't going to end any time soon. You're just as addicted as he is.

 

It ain't love.

 

 

When you figure out what is missing in your life and in yourself, you won't need the highs and lows of the affair.

[BeingMe]

I guess he does. He has even told me he can't stand it when I'm angry with him, yet I never get angry and put my foot down. One of the reasons I don't push it is because I am afraid of the answer. It's been leaving, not leaving, leaving, for two years now so I know he's not leaving. He has just added me to his daily routine. Sometimes I shake things up by ignoring his phone calls for a day or two, or not returning his calls, but one of the reasons he loves me is that I am really the perfect little mistress. Listen to him, boost his ego, make love to him, while his wife can cook his meals and clean his dirty laundry.

 

I hear you.

 

Even though, after dday I could see how STBXH was treating me, my self esteem was so low that I didn't know how I could manage without him. No matter what he did, I stuck by him. But over the months, I worked on my self esteem and on becoming emotionally healthier. I started asserting boundaries, hoping that he would want to get healthier too. He didn't. But as I got healthier, he started detaching, not wantiing to be around me. Heended up walking out.

 

Even then I still didn't know how I'd cope without him. I was devastated.

 

But it didn't take too long to feel like a weight had lifted off me, even as I still wanted him back, like an unhealthy addiction. Now, over a year later, I'm so much healthier & I wouldn't want to go back to that relationship with him as he was.

 

You may be like me and need to wait for him to leave you. I hope you aren't, though. Knowing and feeling what I do now, I wish I had made the decision to leave as soon as I realised how he was treating me. I wasted a long time letting myself be treated poorly, time that I could have spent on getting healthy &learning to like who I am.

[whatatangledweb]

Solo,

I am going to ask just one thing from you. Please, please do not step foot in his wife's home. Don't go there and don't sleep there. That is her safe haven and you going there will destroy her beyond just the affair. There will be no place she can escape it. I know you met her in the hospital and saw she was a kind woman. You may be tempted and he may even try to talk you into it but please do not destroy her home for her.

[A.Moscote]

I'm joining whatatangledweb in that plea, it really is a big line to cross, even after everything.

 

You have that strength in you to avoid it solo, buckle up and take control for this one time.

[PhoenixRise]

I don't know why every topic I post ends up in this "surprise" thread, but it does so I'm posting here.

 

Yesterday something happened that was a little jarring for me. We met, as usual, and made love. I am always meticulously groomed and dressed when I see him (actually when I see most people because I take pride in my appearance).

 

Anyway, I realized in the bathtub that I was out of razors. Since I had just shaved my legs the day before, I figured screw it, a little stubble never killed anyone.

 

Anyway, we had our normal hot sex session. Afterward I was sitting on a chair naked or close to it and he reached over and rubbed my leg. "You're slipping" he said, feeling my stubble.

 

Immediately it reminded me of one day last summer when we went on a day trip, and were walking around a heritage spot, and he chastised me for having an unattractive look on my face.

 

There have been other little times when he would comment on looks on my face or the way I was sitting or walking or some such thing.

 

So smile and be well groomed, mistress.

 

I NEVER poke fun at his appearance as I know it would crush him if I did, his poor ego, you know? If I wanted to criticize him, I could so easily do it for legitimate reasons.

 

So today I shaved my damn legs and forced him to feel them and ordered him to never again tell me that I was "slipping" that that is one of the worst things a man can say to a woman.

 

He said: "Is that what I said? I don't even remember saying it, but I'm sorry I'll never say it again.

 

Solo

 

What do you think would happen if he left his wife tomorrow and came to be with you exclusively? Do you think you could keep up the perfect little mistress persona forever? What do you think would happen if the perfect little mistress mask slipped?

 

Does he even know what you truly think or feel about anything?

 

Do you ever think that maybe he dogs his wife to you to teach YOU to stay in line and to inspire you to compete with her to be the perfect woman for him by comparison?

[gettingstronger]

Do you ever think that maybe he dogs his wife to you to teach YOU to stay in line and to inspire you to compete with her to be the perfect woman for him by comparison?

 

Amazing point and something I never thought about- some people are masters at manipulation-

[solostand]

Unfortunately, I've already been inside his home. He took me there a year or so ago to show me around. No, we did not have sex. I felt weird being in his house, knowing what she would feel if I was there.

 

l've been thinking a lot about this today and I think what's going on with me is father issues. I was always trying to get my father's love - but never felt I got it. I've looked back on my life and realized that EVERY man I've ever lost my reason over were men who were unavailable to me one way or another. Men who were willing to commit I wasn't that interested in. This one is the perfect father figure - much older, lots of fatherly advice, lots of opportunity for me to try to win his love.

 

Not to say this absolves me of any of my part of the guilt.

[KaliLove]

I guess he does. He has even told me he can't stand it when I'm angry with him, yet I never get angry and put my foot down. One of the reasons I don't push it is because I am afraid of the answer. It's been leaving, not leaving, leaving, for two years now so I know he's not leaving. He has just added me to his daily routine. Sometimes I shake things up by ignoring his phone calls for a day or two, or not returning his calls, but one of the reasons he loves me is that I am really the perfect little mistress. Listen to him, boost his ego, make love to him, while his wife can cook his meals and clean his dirty laundry.

 

This post makes me sad, and it also makes me want to shake you. You sound so beaten down. What kind of life is this for you? Are you this timid and mousy in all aspects of your life?

 

He's terrible to you and he will never change, because there aren't any consequences for his nasty actions. I don't see love in any of the posts you make..not from him, and not from you either.

 

Grow a pair of ladyballs and walk away.

[solostand]

To clarify, I would NEVER sleep in his bed or have sex in it. That would make me physically ill.

 

I've got my own bed.

[jellybean89]

 

Not to say this absolves me of any of my part of the guilt.

 

Agree - because you knew he was married and chose to engage in an affair - and continue to engage in an affair with him.

 

Since you have willingly admitted to being jealous of his wife, will you sleep in her bed? Will you have sex with her husband in her bed? Will you stay in her home while she is away pretending that you are her (married to him)?

 

EDITED: I just saw you posted that you will not sleep in her bed in her home. I hope you stick to that.

[MuddyFootprints]

These self realizations you are coming to are great. Now, are you at the point to question whether this insight will prove to justify your situation or will it inspire you to make a profound change?

Edited September 10, 2014 by MuddyFootprints

[2sunny]

To clarify, I would NEVER sleep in his bed or have sex in it. That would make me physically ill.

 

I've got my own bed.

 

But you're willing to allow him to be ultra critical of you? Maybe you aren't interested in spending the night with him because you're afraid he might criticize the way you look in the morning?

 

Work on that issue in therapy too.

 

I hope you will for you.

Edited September 10, 2014 by 2sunny

[solostand]

I'm kind of having a bad day. I have been keeping two MAJOR secrets from MM. The fact that I lost my job, and the fact that I started drinking again. I have been hiding this for two weeks.

 

The only person who knows the WHOLE story is my ex husband. I've been actually not lying, but not telling by omission. Yesterday, I confessed (over the phone) to MM that I was no longer working, but did not give him any details.

 

This morning when he called he said "what's going on with you? I'm worried about you. You quit your job? Keeping secrets from ME? I'm worried about you."

 

I said "you should be worried." (sob sob because I'm a crier).

 

He said "what's going on?" and I yelled "I can't talk about it over the phone!!!!!!!!!!!"

 

He said he would try to work something out and call me back.

 

So right now I have an appointment to see my shrink this afternoon. I have been crying on and off all morning. . .I am afraid my psychiatrist will want me to go to detox. . .Like the Amy Winehouse song: "I said NO NO NO".

 

Anyway, this guy I met a while ago has been very persistent in asking me out. He actually has asked me to go to a cottage this weekend with a bunch of other people. I am tempted to go. . .

 

I figured if MM cared he would be HERE by now - he heard me crying and he knows something's up. I'm tempted not to answer his stupid call.

[2sunny]

Solo -

 

Can you stop drinking on your own?

 

Alcohol causes anxiety and depression.

 

If you can't then consider detox and anything to help yourself.

 

This isn't up to MM! This is up to you!

[2sunny]

Oops -

Double post...

[whichwayisup]

You're waiting for MM to rescue you? Don't go there...The part you said, if he cared... Don't play that game with him. Or yourself.

 

First off, focus on JUST YOU and screw the rest of the world. Fix yourself, get back into AA, make good use of your time with your therapist and don't rely on MM or any other man to help you through this. You need friends, try leaning on your family or some good trusted women friends who can actually give their time to you and want to help. MM can't be there for you the way you want him to be, you know that so testing him to see if he'll come running is going backfire on you.

 

Let your counselor help you, if you need to go to rehab, GO. This is important to be strong and don't let yourself go down a path that will cause you more harm.

[solostand]

Thank you I needed to hear that.

 

No, I don't want MM to rescue me, I just want to confess to him. We've been going to AA together almost every day and all the while I've been drinking.

[2sunny]

Thank you I needed to hear that.

 

No, I don't want MM to rescue me, I just want to confess to him. We've been going to AA together almost every day and all the while I've been drinking.

 

Can you see that you're handing your MM all your power?

 

Can you see why that power is misplaced?

 

Get to doing your step work. You need to find yourself a solid source of power. It's NOT your MM.

 

Going to meetings won't help when you're actively drinking if you don't do the steps.

 

Just say YES to the help your therapist is offering.

[solostand]

Whatever my psychiatrist suggests I will do.

[sunburned]

Jesus, Solo. If you're going to have an affair at least man up. If you're willing to take your sexy underwear off then you should be prepared to put your big girl pants on. If my husband of nearly 20 years called me and said he lost his job and he started drinking again (hypothetical as he's not an alcoholic), I couldn't even rush to his side. I have work, we have children who need to be taken to school and picked up, service people to manage (currently supervising tile guy, while waiting for tree guy). You have failed to grasp time and again that this scumbag has a life of his own.

 

 

He's an older man with a lifetime of responsibilities (wife, children, grandchildren, business, home ...). You whine about him complaining about your hairy legs and now you're pouting that he didn't arrive at your front door like a knight in shining armor within 5 minutes of your teary phone call. He's an old fart and you're not exactly a spring chicken. I don't understand this teen-age behavior. You're playing games with him. Stop it.

 

 

Yes, go out for the weekend with your single guy friend -- NOT to punish MM but to develop a life apart from him. And just go without rubbing it in MM's face, without mentioning it at all. Have fun, even if you're not into the guy. Maybe his friends will be interesting. Network. You never know where you're next job lead might come from.

 

 

At least you've admitted to enjoying the drama, but do you understand there's something wrong with that? I'll admit your MM does seem to care about you (love? not sure) but he's still a bad guy. He can really love you but still be bad for you. The way he talks about his W is so telling about his character. His most recent reference to offing her for insurance money???? Even tongue in cheek ... just vile. Yet, somehow, you seem gleeful when he takes these potshots.

 

 

Plus you are constantly making references to telling his wife, not being sure if you'd want him in a legit relationship, his advanced age, etc. You even said you didn't wanted to spend a whole night with him even though the opportunity is about to present itself. The guy once bought you lined jeans so you'd be warm in the winter then you made fun of him for his "old man jeans." Whether he loves you or not, who knows? But it is clear to me YOU DON'T LOVE HIM.

 

 

There is an old quote that if you do what you've always done, you will get what you've always gotten. Please, do something different, something meaningful with your life. The abundance of beauty and brains you say you've been blessed with can be put to better use.

[Sub]

Anyway, this guy I met a while ago has been very persistent in asking me out. He actually has asked me to go to a cottage this weekend with a bunch of other people. I am tempted to go. . .

 

A door is opening for you here, solo. Step through the door.

[solostand]

I agree. I'm going away and NOT taking my phone with me.

[2sunny]

I agree. I'm going away and NOT taking my phone with me.

 

Can you be specific about where you're going?

 

It leaves us wondering if you are getting help you need.

[solostand]

Just got back from seeing my psychiatrist, where I confessed about drinking and losing my job. . .

 

He told me if he had been aware that I had been going to work where I did work, he would have never allowed me to. He says the place is too stressful, 75 per cent of people leave, and he was happy that I was no longer employed there.

 

About the drinking. I was kind of afraid he was going to send me to detox but he looked me straight in the eye and asked "Are you an alcoholic?" I said "yes", he said "Yes, you are. Now you have to go back to your meetings, take your chip down, and start over. There's no shame in having a relapse. It's part of the disease!"

 

Where I was planning to go for the weekend was with a guy to a cottage, but I now realize the last thing I need is spending a weekend at a cottage with a guy and a bunch of other people drinking so I am backing out.

 

But I do have a date tonight which I am half excited about.

 

As far as MM, he did call and I confessed to him too. He said basically the same thing my shrink did. Don't beat yourself up over it.