Surprise

[solostand]

Oh, and the date I have tonight is with Mr. Persistent, who is MY AGE, attractive, employed, and SINGLE! I am feeling a little anxiety, afraid he will try to make moves on me too fast, but I can fight him off!

[2sunny]

Solo - do you think you can stop on your own?

 

I suggest you get to a women's meeting and ask out loud to the grou if someone is willing to get you through your step work as soon as possible!

 

No delays!

 

It's critical for your self to take action - and now is your best time since you're not working.

[whichwayisup]

one thing I don't understand, why are you going out with someone else when you're totally into MM only. Even saying you don't want the guy to make a move on you...What's the point? Instead of surrounding yourself and filling your life up with MM and other men, why not hang out with some women friends and have girl time. Or, just be on your own so you can do soul searching and get your priorities in order by putting 'yourself' first above everybody until you're well again.

 

Glad you are going back to AA. You had a relapse, you've owned it and can be strong again. One day at a time.

[jellybean89]

Go to a meeting without Mm. Go to one where you can freely confess to relapse & the affair. Go and free yourself. I don't think you can stop drinking on your own, you can't stop seeing a MM who is so wrong for you. Check yourself into detox. You know you need medical assistance to detox from alcohol. Stop focusing on the MM drama - focus in your recovery.

[whatatangledweb]

Have you called your sponsor from AA or called and asked for another one? You know that your drinking again is not only bad for you but also for the MM , who is also an alcoholic . If you have fallen off the wagon, dating is not the first thing you should be thinking of. It should be how do I get back on the wagon as quickly as possible. Did your doctor tell you to wait to admit to your AA group or to find one as quickly as possible to meet with?

 

You have lost your job so no income =stress

 

You have these ups and downs with MM =stress

 

Stress causes the average person to think of drinking as an escape. It causes an alcoholic to dive into it. You know you can't stop on your own and you need to get rid of all the stresses in your life that caused you to go fall off the wagon after all these years. I am worried about you.

[solostand]

I have already confessed to an AA group (not my normal one) but it is imperative that I confess to my home group. My psychiatrist told me of course get to a meeting tomorrow morning, which I plan to do.

 

And the stress of it all led to a downfall. I just felt such, I don't know how to describe it, pressure building up I guess, that I wanted relief! Plus I'm a shame-based secret keeper, I don't want to tell anyone when something bad happens (like losing your job and falling off the wagon) because I am afraid they will be disappointed in me, and I can't bear to. So I am a girl of many secrets, some people know some secrets, other people know other secrets, its hard keeping them all straight.

 

l know alcohol is a depressant so pouring it down your throat when you're already depressed is not a great way to plan your life. Not that my planning thus far has been such a great success, lol.

Edited September 11, 2014 by solostand

[2sunny]

Tomorrow? How about TODAY?

 

Heck get to 3 meetings every day - since you have time.

[BrokenPrincess]

Glad to hear you made it to psychiatrists office. Interesting that you still defer to anyone else to steer your ship--MM controls your relationship and then the comment that your psychiatrist would have "never allowed" you to work where you were working. Do you feel like you are powerless to drive your own life?

 

I really hope you can get a grip soon and start getting yourself back on a path that is healthy & rewarding. I really mean that. If I knew you in real life, I would be sitting you down right now to make a list & plan of attack for getting you to a better place.

 

So what are you doing tonight?

[2sunny]

Hopefully - in your step one work you'll look at that word "powerless"and review how much you do hand others all YOUR power.

 

There's a reason the step work doesn't suggest any person be your targeted higher power.

 

Look within. I hope you will do some soul searching.

[2sunny]

Solo - did you drink today?

[solostand]

Solo - did you drink today?

 

No, I did not. There is a meeting at 10 a.m. which is my regular group and that is where I will tell the truth. Just last week, a woman confessed that she had been drinking for six months and going to meetings at the same time - got caught for impaired driving and everything. That woman gave me strength to do what I have to do - tell the truth.

 

If I have to go to detox - I will. I think I might just in case. I have been there twice before - where I live, they will keep you eight to ten days and it might be just what I need. Because I've been going to meetings - but drinking all along. Only for about a month but . . .

 

I agree with everyone who says I give my power away - I do. To MM especially.

[whichwayisup]

Good. Do all that you can to get yourself sober again and find an AA sponsor.

 

Now that you know you give MM full control, what are you going to do to change that? It's just so unhealthy to let someone have that much power over you.

[Owl]

Solo...you've noted that you go to your AA meetings with MM.

 

To gain another degree of seperation...have you considered finding another home group?

 

No offense intended at all...but going to these meetings where you know he'll attend isn't a great idea.

 

Perhaps this is a good opportunity for a 'fresh start' all the way around. Remove all those negative influences...alcohol, MM,etc.. and start over again with a new group?

[2sunny]

When you do the work in the program you will realize your part in it.

 

A married man? Not the best choice if living by principles

 

Going to meetings he's in? It's more productive for you if you go to meetings he's not in - less distraction- easier to focus on the reason you need for being there.

 

Meetings help find a sponsor - but the best way for this to work is to work with a sponsor like your life depends on it - which it does.

 

Then after doing the steps (or even sooner) start sponsoring others who need help.

 

Using the drama of drinking again to gain attention from your MM is not the way to get sober.

[solostand]

Spent the day with MM yesterday. So I hadn't told him I lost my job and also that I had started drinking, I confessed the day before.

 

He was not upset about the drinking but he was really hurt that I went two weeks not telling him that I was no longer working. He said hes used to being hurt by women (bring out tiny violins here) his mother left him when he was four so I'm just again proving the point that women can't be trusted.

 

Anyway, we talked about it and got it all straightened out.

 

I said "I always thought if I was going to drink again it would be with you", and he said "so did I. We still can."

 

I came home feeling sad and depressed. This relationship is futile and I'm finally realizing it.

 

I haven't had a drink and there is a second meeting that I can go to. Heck, there's one on every corner. Also, the meeting MM and I go to has started to feel like a place to conduct our affair, rather than an actual place to get help. I'm sure THAT is one of the reasons I started drinking. What kind of program was I working making googly eyes at each other and watching the clock for an hour so we could go back to my place and make out.

 

Besides, everyone at that group knows about our affair, it is very obvious. They probably all find it disgusting.

Edited September 13, 2014 by solostand

[whichwayisup]

Spent the day with MM yesterday. So I hadn't told him I lost my job and also that I had started drinking, I confessed the day before.

 

He was not upset about the drinking but he was really hurt that I went two weeks not telling him that I was no longer working. He said hes used to being hurt by women (bring out tiny violins here) his mother left him when he was four so I'm just again proving the point that women can't be trusted.

 

Wow, so he made this all about him. So what? Big fricken deal that you didn't have it in you to tell him about your job loss. So what that you waited 2 weeks. You don't owe him! It is up to you when you tell anybody about your job loss, yet he turns it around on himself, excluding you and not being supportive. Oh wait, he DID show some support -- To agree to DRINK with you! That's not a healthy person having your back. That's someone who won't call you out on your crap, someone who enables.

 

Anyway, we talked about it and got it all straightened out.

 

I said "I always thought if I was going to drink again it would be with you", and he said "so did I. We still can."

 

So you both are feeding off of each other. This is bad Solo. He isn't helping you stay sober and you're not helping him stay sober. You two are toxic together.

 

 

 

I came home feeling sad and depressed. This relationship is futile and I'm finally realizing it.

 

Yet you are totally addicted to the drama of your affair, you've said that many times. What are you going to do to make your life less dramatic, less stressful and depressing?

 

I haven't had a drink and there is a second meeting that I can go to. Heck, there's one on every corner. Also, the meeting MM and I go to has started to feel like a place to conduct our affair, rather than an actual place to get help. I'm sure THAT is one of the reasons I started drinking. What kind of program was I working making googly eyes at each other and watching the clock for an hour so we could go back to my place and make out.

 

Besides, everyone at that group knows about our affair, it is very obvious. They probably all find it disgusting.

 

They know people in AA shouldn't get involved with each other.

 

Go to any meeting where MM isn't. Focus on your own path of recovery and put yourself first.

[2sunny]

He's NOT the person you can count on for any help.

 

He's selfish - it's ALL about HIM! That shows he hasn't done ANY work in his program!

 

And he asked to drink together? Honey, you will have a difficult time staying sober as long as you're hanging with him. He doesn't have YOUR best interest in mind. Everything he said shows evidence of that.

 

Hand him your power could very well kill you.

 

Please disconnect from him - he's toxic for you and will make it very difficult for you to get well.

 

Did you get a sponsor and start your step work yet? If not, do it TODAY!!!

Edited September 13, 2014 by 2sunny

[solostand]

It's funny he actually used the term "soul mate" yesterday. It certainly wasn't the thrill it was the first time he said we were soul mates, thanks to you guys on LS:rolleyes:

 

Where does this soul mate stuff come from? Is there an actual book on how to have an affair?

 

And yes I have sensed these past two years that he had a secret plan to drink with me. Just little things he'd say.

[2sunny]

You may be dead if you continue to make him your higher power!

 

A man who offers to drink with a known alcoholic does NOT have their best interest in mind.

 

Work your program!

 

 

You have enough evidence that the way you've been doing AA doesn't work for you. Start changing everything!

 

 

 

 

You know that "soul mate" comment is only designed to make you open your legs - come on - stop falling for his CRAP!

 

I have a lot of people that would drink with me if I started again - but the ones who really love me would always advise me not to do it and they wouldn't even consider it. It would be like watching me kill myself.

Edited September 13, 2014 by 2sunny

[solostand]

The point was I didn't fall for the soul mate crap, because it seems every MM says it.

 

He is also a very serious alcoholic too - he had been to detox 15 times before he got sober five years ago!!!

 

He must have a death wish, or think we could get away with it or something.

[2sunny]

The point was I didn't fall for the soul mate crap, because it seems every MM says it.

 

He is also a very serious alcoholic too - he had been to detox 15 times before he got sober five years ago!!!

 

He must have a death wish, or think we could get away with it or something.

 

By his evidence of not working the principles of the program - he's not done what he needs to do to stay sober long term. It's all about him - that's still the selfish mindset of an active drinker. And he's still a liar - nothing about him indicates he's recovered at all.

 

Stay away from him. Just stop it - all your focus is on him - and he's toxic for you.

 

And what are YOU planning to do to take care of YOURSELF?

[whatatangledweb]

 

I said "I always thought if I was going to drink again it would be with you", and he said "so did I. We still can."

 

 

I find it very toxic that you would say that to him and that he would say what he said. Alcoholics are to avoid being around people who would have these thoughts much less say them. I'm sorry Solo but as a recovering alcoholic you are as dangerous to him as he is to you.

 

The scariest part is you will do nothing to change this. I know you say you will, but he was already helping you with money. Now you have no job which equals no money. So would you actually get away from him as fast as possible or is he and you are going to lead each other right back to being stuck to the bottle? Or are you going to use the excuse that you need him to help you with money?

 

You are responsible for yourself as an alcoholic as well as taking care of your self with income. You can not blame him for either nor use him as an excuse.

 

I have way too many people in my family who are either recovering alcoholics, functioning alcoholics, or just plan alcoholics. The ones in AA know it is their responsibility to make the right decisions or fall off the wagon. The functioning ones can hold off drinking until their work day is done. The others blame life or everyone else for where they are.

 

I worry about you as I have watched your story since you joined and you never seem to make a choice on what to do. You just let things happen. Please get some serious help before you destroy yourself.

[2sunny]

I suggest detox and rehab so that you can get a strong foundation of help - without his influence.

 

Tell everyone you've made your MM your higher power and you allow him to buy you off, criticize you and treat you unkindly.

 

Tell everyone that you've sold your soul to the devil and he's now offering to drink with you.

 

Tell everyone you need help with making choices that show contrary action in order to save your life!

 

 

Go far away and find out about yourself! Find a great version of you.

[solostand]

I am thinking of detox actually. MM just phoned me and asked me if I drank last night. I said "NO", which I didn't. He seemed surprised but happy.

 

Problem is, once you start drinking AND are still going to AA at the same time as you are secretly drinking, it kind of takes AA's power away for awhile.

 

I feel like I need a reboot. And if I went to detox I would be out of his influence for 10 days or so - no visitors allowed. I've been there before and actually found it an excellent experience if you are serious.

 

Today I am going to a meeting where he will not be.

 

As for everything you guys are telling me, you are all right. I don't think he is evil at all, just as screwed up as me. I don't think he realizes the effect he is having on me because I do tend to hide a lot of my emotions and how screwed up I am. I hide it from EVERYONE even my son. I try to act STRONG because who wants to hang out with a snivelling wreck.

 

I need a major reset on my life though and if I can JUST get the strength to at least put him on a back burner - that's why working is good for me and structure. I have too much time to sit around and moon about us.

 

His wife is leaving tomorrow.

 

I actually think I will phone detox today. It takes a couple days to get a bed. Because I am in Canada, it is all free. And the food in there is AWESOME. Also there is no smoking. The last time I was there I thought I was going to DIE when I heard there was no smoking but they give you patches and gum and I stayed 10 days and it was fine. Didn't even miss it at first. They let me bring some art supplies and I created the best portrait I have ever done in my life.

 

The immature girl in me wants to not even tell him where I've gone and let him worry about me. That's just manipulation and immaturity though.

 

I HAVE to get strength somewhere, somehow, to get out of this.

 

Perhaps praying will help.

 

Oh, and I do have other sources of income (freelance work and art sales, I am an artist) so I can get by without him. Yesterday someone ordered four commissioned pieces of art after seeing one piece that I had sold to someone else. Art is definitely my happy place.

[whatatangledweb]

Congrats on the commissioned pieces of art ! Call today Solo, Don't wait.