Surprise

[whatatangledweb]

People say many things that are really stupid and even cruel that do not really mean anything. You think he is hoping she dies. He is crueling joking about it but I sincerely doubt he hope that. If he can't even divorce her, how do you think he will react after having a woman he has been with for 35 years dies? That he would party and run off into the sunset with you?

 

This man has been with her over half his life. He is not divorcing her. I will never understand why you stay other than the times you have said he helps you financially. Just as something to point out..woman normally live longer than men so if you are waiting for her to die that may take a very long time. She is only about 65, very young in today's standards.

 

Do you enjoy when he says things like this about his wife? I ask because I get a sense that you do. I feel for you as I believe you are going to get hurt very badly before too much time goes by. You are around 50, right? Close to my age. There is so much more to life than waiting for this one man to decide what you are going to do with the rest of your life. Find what you want for you to be happy and fulfilled by for the next 20 years. Please stop wasting your time and energy on him.

[solostand]

Actually I hate when he talks about his wife. Then I have to acknowledge that she is a real person.

 

Not too long ago I told him I was jealous of his wife. He said he didn't know why, he says good-bye to her in the morning and the rest of the time when they're home together he's lying on the couch, he generally gets up in the middle of the night and goes to the couch. He told me I know more about what's going on in his life.

 

So no, I don't enjoy that he talks about his wife in this way.

 

Then, the weird thing is, since I know his wife is going to be gone for awhile, this of course opens the door to us spending nights sleeping together. We have never slept together overnight. And I wasn't sure I wanted that. Too normal? He would see me when I first wake up, and then what would I do with him the rest of the day?

 

I think I really like the illicit drama of it all more than anything.

[MissBee]

Sure feels like one.

 

Before I go any further, I know I am going to be sort of beaten up by LS members for this post. Your advice IS appreciated, and does sink in, and I DO think about things you have advised and told me whenever I can wrench myself out of denial, which is not very often lately.

 

Anyway, the last week or so MM has been crazy loving to me. He's doing things for me that don't require money (he found a box he thought would be perfect for my art supplies, for example.)

 

Today, we were both feeling very lovey dovey and I said to him, jokingly, "I'll feed you porridge in the nursing home, honey. I'll be there elbowing BS out of the way."

 

Then he said "She won't live that long. Not with the dizzy spells she's been having."

 

Then he proceeded (and I am almost embarrassed to write this) to say how much fun he and I could have with the life insurance. . .

 

STUPID ME I did not reprimand him. It was only when he left that I thought Jesus Christ, he must HATE his wife.

 

But he is never, ever, ever anything less than kind and sweet to me. I have seen him angry at me, but it goes away in five minutes. Maybe that's why I'm perplexed at this passive agressive business with his wife.

 

She, the daughter, and the new grandchild are leaving next week to take the baby home to the daughter's home, which is about a thousand miles away. He is not going. We'll see what happens.

 

I should add that when I was unhappily married, I had fantasies of my husband dying of natural causes, but I realized those fantasies were because I was feeling trapped, so I left him instead.

 

Let the rage begin.

 

What kind of feedback are you looking for?

 

There's no real question here, seems more like a journal post, and you seem to already know what others have to say and this story is more or less a different version of the same ones you've already told us about him....so what kind of comments/thoughts would you like us to share about your post?

 

One thing I did think was: plot twist: MM actually ends up the one dying before his wife does and she gets to spend the insurance money and you get what exactly? Will you even be able to attend the funeral? That's one thing that bugged me a lot during the A. However, my AP was in his twenties at the time, and yes we all can die regardless of age, but I imagined it being more of a freak sort of thing whereas with a man in his 60s who is only getting older, it's definitely more of a pressing concern...especially if as it seems, this A continues until he is in his 70s or older.

Edited September 6, 2014 by MissBee

[solostand]

You know what? I was thinking of this the other day. I plan to ask him to tell SOMEONE, anyone, to call me if he was really in trouble, or died suddenly, because I would be so devastated if I had to read it in the obituaries and go to his wake/funeral a sobbing, hysterical mess.

[whichwayisup]

But he is never, ever, ever anything less than kind and sweet to me. I have seen him angry at me, but it goes away in five minutes. Maybe that's why I'm perplexed at this passive agressive business with his wife.

 

That's because he isn't obligated to you. He isn't married to you, doesn't have a responsibility to you. He doesn't share a family with you. You are the OW who supplies him his ego feed and makes him feel like a King.

 

The way he treats his wife and the stuff he says about her, that is ALL for YOUR benefit and it makes me sick! You don't stand up to him and call him on it, you enjoy it and secretly smile, wishing she would go away and he truly was yours.

 

You love the drama and unhealthy dynamic just as much as he does.

 

I knew your A with him wasn't over at all.

 

You think he'd treat you better than her if you do end up being his wife? Look at how he treats the mother of his children! What makes you more special?

[whichwayisup]

You know what? I was thinking of this the other day. I plan to ask him to tell SOMEONE, anyone, to call me if he was really in trouble, or died suddenly, because I would be so devastated if I had to read it in the obituaries and go to his wake/funeral a sobbing, hysterical mess.

You've got to be kidding me. No way should you go.

 

Visit the cemetery one day but do NOT show up at his funeral and be around his family and friends. That's a farce and just so wrong.

[whichwayisup]

Actually I hate when he talks about his wife. Then I have to acknowledge that she is a real person.

 

Not too long ago I told him I was jealous of his wife. He said he didn't know why, he says good-bye to her in the morning and the rest of the time when they're home together he's lying on the couch, he generally gets up in the middle of the night and goes to the couch. He told me I know more about what's going on in his life.

 

So no, I don't enjoy that he talks about his wife in this way.

 

Then, the weird thing is, since I know his wife is going to be gone for awhile, this of course opens the door to us spending nights sleeping together. We have never slept together overnight. And I wasn't sure I wanted that. Too normal? He would see me when I first wake up, and then what would I do with him the rest of the day?

 

I think I really like the illicit drama of it all more than anything.

 

If you believe that then you're fooling yourself.

 

So let me guess, he's gonna invite you over to sleep and have sex with him in THEIR marital bed, right?

 

Your last sentence, bolded:

 

BINGO.

 

And this is why your A with him will never end. You both are so addicted to the drama and stupid games.

[A.Moscote]

Probably but I have come to the conclusion that he is a coward. Wants to leave, but scared to.

 

Have you try to push him a bit, be a little more demanding so that he wouldn't have any choice other than to make things right? You seems to be quite comfortable living through this affair, yes there are a lot of joy and happiness out of it, but how long can you contain all the guilt and conscience?

 

Be brave, take over the pen from him, and put in more tension and fight in this novel being written. Move the plot towards the righteous ending, don't let his wife dies deceived, that would be so sad. Don't tell us you are just passively waiting for the god descending from the crane.

 

(Sorry I'm assuming a lot just based on this one single thread, surely I missed a fairer perspective about your whole situation.)

[whichwayisup]

don't let his wife dies deceived, that would be so sad.

 

His wife isn't dying, he said that her dying in jest to Solo. His wife is having dizzy spells. He is the one who is unhealthy.

[A.Moscote]

So let me guess, he's gonna invite you over to sleep and have sex with him in THEIR marital bed, right?

Don't cross that line Solostand, you are much better person than that, you should be much better than that.

 

Yes WWIU, I exaggerated that point about his wife.

[solostand]

She's probably having dizzy spells because she can't figure out what has happened with her husband.

 

Last week, he told me she was the "grandmotherly" type, and that she only wanted grandchildren because her friends had them and she felt left out.\

 

He is nice about his grandson though, although he indicates he is a very "hands off" grandpa, at least right now. He doesn't know what to do with babies. A generational thing I suspect.

[lollipopspot]

Then he said "She won't live that long. Not with the dizzy spells she's been having."

 

Then he proceeded (and I am almost embarrassed to write this) to say how much fun he and I could have with the life insurance. . .

 

STUPID ME I did not reprimand him. It was only when he left that I thought Jesus Christ, he must HATE his wife.

 

This would disturb me. I would wonder if he's trying to do something to poison her.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

What you wrote sent chills up my spine. I can't even imagine hearing someone say that about anyone. What would crush me is that they would think I actually would BUY INTO something like that. Even a friend who said something like that to me, I would be terribly insulted. Who does he think you are? I'm not sure how you can have any respect for him. That's so disturbing.

[whichwayisup]

Probably but I have come to the conclusion that he is a coward. Wants to leave, but scared to.

 

Respectfully I say, this seems like your reason as to why you won't end it wth him and walk away.

[solostand]

You are probably right. These things are so complicated. I get the feeling that he wants someone to tell his wife, or he wants her to find out. Because he does not have the guts to break up his family.

 

He told me today that yesterday he told someone about us. Someone from his home town.

[whichwayisup]

You are probably right. These things are so complicated. I get the feeling that he wants someone to tell his wife, or he wants her to find out. Because he does not have the guts to break up his family.

 

He told me today that yesterday he told someone about us. Someone from his home town.

 

Or, he just wants to have you as the OW and stay married but at the same time loves the drama, just like you do, and will tell you anything and everything to keep you interested in him and in the affair.

 

I've said this so many times, but people who want to divorce, do so! He does not want to leave his wife, family and give up everything he knows and loves, be shunned by friends and his family, he doesn't want to be judged or be alone.

 

If he wanted to divorce Solo, he would. His non action has shown you over and over again that he ain't divorcing.

 

Either accept your role as his OW and enjoy the affair for what it is or end it.

 

Who did he tell? And do you really believe he actually told someone in his home town, which is small?

[solostand]

Yeah, you're right.

 

I know he has told two people from his home town now. I know this because he just suddenly blurted out 'I told X about you yesterday."

[anne1707]

No. You know he TOLD you that he had done that. You do not know whether he actually DID do that. This man is such a POS. Why are you wasting your life on him?

[DKT3]

Solo why do you believe everything this guy tells you, when it SHOULD be so obvious that he isn't being honest.

 

Dude is a classic cake eater and you really seem ok with it, at least admit to that and accept your role. That way you will have some peace.

[todreaminblue]

your post is quite sad for many reasons///i was a bs ....and i can tell you what he tells and what is real is probably likely to be very different things......what is sad about your post ....is that eh is hurting two women in all he says and in all his actions....the double life.....the deceit.....and the haunting that he isnt with either one of you completely......

 

i have a suggestion......

 

 

confront the wife...or tell him too...you said he is nothing but loving to you...

 

 

 

end this farce....be that woman......stand up for the guy you supposedly love.....let the wife know.......by your own hand or his......then you will not waste any more time in a deceitful and incomplete relationship. the wife has a right to know....and you deserve the right to have a guy who is yours not someone elses...i would in all honor say for you to leave him, until he is single and or dissolving of a marriage...he isnt faithful............if you cant do that.....know at least the truth....if he chooses you he does love you.....if he chooses his marriage....you have your answer........deb

[whichwayisup]

Yeah, you're right.

 

I know he has told two people from his home town now. I know this because he just suddenly blurted out 'I told X about you yesterday."

 

So the next time you're with him and run into one of his friends he *claims* to have told them about you and him, kiss him or be very affectionate. You'll know instantly by his reaction on whether he mentioned you or not. For all you know, he could be telling you something that isn't true at all.

[whichwayisup]

your post is quite sad for many reasons///i was a bs ....and i can tell you what he tells and what is real is probably likely to be very different things......what is sad about your post ....is that eh is hurting two women in all he says and in all his actions....the double life.....the deceit.....and the haunting that he isnt with either one of you completely......

 

i have a suggestion......

 

 

confront the wife...or tell him too...you said he is nothing but loving to you...

 

 

 

end this farce....be that woman......stand up for the guy you supposedly love.....let the wife know.......by your own hand or his......then you will not waste any more time in a deceitful and incomplete relationship. the wife has a right to know....and you deserve the right to have a guy who is yours not someone elses...i would in all honor say for you to leave him, until he is single and or dissolving of a marriage...he isnt faithful............if you cant do that.....know at least the truth....if he chooses you he does love you.....if he chooses his marriage....you have your answer........deb

 

She won't do it. She doesn't have it in her to actually tell his wife because I believe, deep down, she knows MM will choose his wife and family. He won't ever divorce and leave everything behind, so by her telling his wife, the affair is over immediately. He'll end it and turn on her.

[Mount]

LOL, next many OWs being aggressive as me, to push MM to do the right thing and although it will speed up showing MM's true intention in the end.

 

But it is up to "Solostand" if she chooses to be OW also knowingly there wont have any change (MM continues talking the talk, no action anyway going forward, it is also her freedom doing so. Everyone/every OW is differernt anyway.

 

She won't do it. She doesn't have it in her to actually tell his wife because I believe, deep down, she knows MM will choose his wife and family. He won't ever divorce and leave everything behind, so by her telling his wife, the affair is over immediately. He'll end it and turn on her.

Edited September 6, 2014 by Mount

[jellybean89]

People say many things that are really stupid and even cruel that do not really mean anything. You think he is hoping she dies. He is crueling joking about it but I sincerely doubt he hope that. If he can't even divorce her, how do you think he will react after having a woman he has been with for 35 years dies? That he would party and run off into the sunset with you?

 

This man has been with her over half his life. He is not divorcing her. I will never understand why you stay other than the times you have said he helps you financially. Just as something to point out..woman normally live longer than men so if you are waiting for her to die that may take a very long time. She is only about 65, very young in today's standards.

 

Do you enjoy when he says things like this about his wife? I ask because I get a sense that you do. I feel for you as I believe you are going to get hurt very badly before too much time goes by. You are around 50, right? Close to my age. There is so much more to life than waiting for this one man to decide what you are going to do with the rest of your life. Find what you want for you to be happy and fulfilled by for the next 20 years. Please stop wasting your time and energy on him.

 

I think Solo forgets he once was lovey-dovey with his wife, sharing hopes and dreams. Most likely they spent years making love to each other, doting on each other and loving life.

 

Solo admittedly loves the drama and "excitement" this old man provides her. For whatever reason, she has chosen to make him her life, everything revolves around sneaking around with him, telling him of her financial issues and having him give money to her (which is not an indication of love at all). I doubt she has had any healthy, mature, drama free romantic relationships with any man. She seems to not feel "whole" without the drama. She feeds off it-comparing herself to his wife, the jealousy of the wife and loving hearing the hateful things this loser says about his wife. I dont understand how anyone can get off hearing these vile things nor do I understand why she seems gleeful when he says them...the competition she constantly thinks about (with regard to the wife) is scary. This woman has never done anything hateful towards Solo, yet Solo seems to truly feed off of the negative things the old man spews. She, IMHO, pretends to feel disgust to us when repeating these comments he says to her, almost as if it makes her feel justified being involved with a MM and it strokes the flames of her competition with the wife. Why anyone can be around someone who is so disturbed astounds me.

 

Solo, you wouldn't need to remember to reprimand him for being hateful, when most people hear such disgusting comments, they show immediate shock and disgust. But you seem to thrive off that stuff.

 

She's probably having dizzy spells because she can't figure out what has happened with her husband.

 

Last week, he told me she was the "grandmotherly" type, and that she only wanted grandchildren because her friends had them and she felt left out.\

 

He is nice about his grandson though, although he indicates he is a very "hands off" grandpa, at least right now. He doesn't know what to do with babies. A generational thing I suspect.

 

What are you implying regarding the bolded?

 

Can we assume you will gladly sleep in her bed and have sex with her husband while she is away? Since you are jealous of her, is this the chance you have been waiting for...to pretend to be her while she is out of town?

[KaliLove]

What happened to your deadline?