I Want My Dignity Back

[OverIt75]

I am new here. In fact, I don't think I've ever posted in any kind of forum. I certainly never thought I would be posting in a forum about infidelity.

 

I have been caught up in an affair with my boss. Known each other many years, but this just started 7 months ago. We are both married with children. It is a total disaster.

 

Of course, he swept me off my feet in the beginning...I was on cloud 9 every day. His wife suspected something only 6 weeks into our R, so that quickly put a damper on things. We continued, but it was never as good as those first 6 weeks.

 

He got caught officially a few months ago. Somehow I have not been discovered yet. We talked and decided to end things...although they way he put it was "to shelf it." This kind of always left the option to resume open.

 

While we initially tried to stay away from each other, it didn't work. We've continued to pick things back up, but it has been so hot and cold, I never know which way is up. I've allowed him to dictate when we are together, and then put up with him completely shutting me out afterwards. I have given him all the control for just a hint of attention from him. This has now evolved from what felt like a true love affair to just sex when he needs it. He tells me he loves me during those times, but that's it. If I ever send him an email to say I'm thinking of him, he respond with some dirty talk. I'm over it. I'm so tired.

 

I am so confused because he'll tell me that he's never had this kind of connection with anyone before...but then drops me cold. I am tired of being his side dish, being kept as an option. I thought for a while that I could get something out of it too, but now I just feel used. It's even worse because we work together, so every day I have to put up with wondering what he's thinking, where he's going, when he'll approach me, blah blah blah. I have a feeling he never worries about me like I do about him.

 

I feel I'm at a breaking point. I want my dignity back. I have become a person I don't recognize - full of anxiety and insecurity and obsessive thoughts. I can't ever get him out of my mind. Every time I make a decision to end it, I get scared, I'm afraid to lose him entirely. And to then have to continue to work with him...I am sick to my stomach.

 

My husband doesn't deserve any of this and certainly my children don't. I want this to stop, but I feel like I need help. I am posting here for support in doing the right thing, and hoping someone can tell me that it can get better.

[Tressugar]

Get it; it yours for the taking.

[RegretfulAlways]

While we initially tried to stay away from each other, it didn't work. We've continued to pick things back up, but it has been so hot and cold, I never know which way is up. I've allowed him to dictate when we are together, and then put up with him completely shutting me out afterwards. I have given him all the control for just a hint of attention from him. This has now evolved from what felt like a true love affair to just sex when he needs it. He tells me he loves me during those times, but that's it. If I ever send him an email to say I'm thinking of him, he respond with some dirty talk. I'm over it. I'm so tired.

 

I wish I could give you a hug. You are stronger than you think, because you know what this really is, and you've stated it, above.

 

You can do this. You can break it off, I know you can.

 

That's not to say it will be easy - it TOTALLY SUCKS. I am currently in the middle of trying to extricate myself from a mess, too, and there are setbacks. But the good news is that you have found a wonderful forum of caring, supportive people here at LS. What I've heard people say here, and what helps me in my recovery, is to post here whenever you feel like contacting your AP. Know that when you are ready to break it off with him, you can use LS as a major support system. It helps, especially when you feel so alone and like you have no one in real life to confide in.

 

You've stated all of the reasons why you need to break it off. Once you gather the strength to take that next step, come back here and talk to us - we'll be here for you.

 

Keep us posted.

[fellini]

Im trying to understand the real issues:

 

Did you suddenly become enlightened because his wife found out and your encounters together are reduced to wham bam thank you mam's? or is it fair to say had his wife not found out you would still be living in blissland plotting your next encounter with him and putting on his favorite smell?

 

So when the going is fun, your family don't matter, but when the going gets tough, the tough get going?

 

Do you maybe not see that your new moral reflection is actually stimulated by the wrong issues?

 

Im not trying to be mean, I'm trying to see if you hear yourself through your own words!

 

You say you want your Dignity back, but it seems to me for all the wrong reasons.

 

What if tomorrow he announces to you that he has convinced his wife she is mistaken and the two of you can go back to being the way you were? Would you go back to being the way you were for 6 months?

 

What if tomorrow he told you he had to tell his wife everything and that in one hour his wife is going to contact your husband?

 

These seem to me to be the first issues you need to resolve because you might well be a week away from having a fully informed Betrayed Husband calling his lawyer. And you might want to do something about that before it happens.

Edited June 29, 2014 by fellini

[Ladydrib]

I am new here. In fact, I don't think I've ever posted in any kind of forum. I certainly never thought I would be posting in a forum about infidelity.

 

I have been caught up in an affair with my boss. Known each other many years, but this just started 7 months ago. We are both married with children. It is a total disaster.

 

Of course, he swept me off my feet in the beginning...I was on cloud 9 every day. His wife suspected something only 6 weeks into our R, so that quickly put a damper on things. We continued, but it was never as good as those first 6 weeks.

 

He got caught officially a few months ago. Somehow I have not been discovered yet. We talked and decided to end things...although they way he put it was "to shelf it." This kind of always left the option to resume open.

 

While we initially tried to stay away from each other, it didn't work. We've continued to pick things back up, but it has been so hot and cold, I never know which way is up. I've allowed him to dictate when we are together, and then put up with him completely shutting me out afterwards. I have given him all the control for just a hint of attention from him. This has now evolved from what felt like a true love affair to just sex when he needs it. He tells me he loves me during those times, but that's it. If I ever send him an email to say I'm thinking of him, he respond with some dirty talk. I'm over it. I'm so tired.

 

I am so confused because he'll tell me that he's never had this kind of connection with anyone before...but then drops me cold. I am tired of being his side dish, being kept as an option. I thought for a while that I could get something out of it too, but now I just feel used. It's even worse because we work together, so every day I have to put up with wondering what he's thinking, where he's going, when he'll approach me, blah blah blah. I have a feeling he never worries about me like I do about him.

 

I feel I'm at a breaking point. I want my dignity back. I have become a person I don't recognize - full of anxiety and insecurity and obsessive thoughts. I can't ever get him out of my mind. Every time I make a decision to end it, I get scared, I'm afraid to lose him entirely. And to then have to continue to work with him...I am sick to my stomach.

 

My husband doesn't deserve any of this and certainly my children don't. I want this to stop, but I feel like I need help. I am posting here for support in doing the right thing, and hoping someone can tell me that it can get better.

 

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I know it feels impossible to get out of. You probably have the fight of your life ahead of you. Start by finding a new job. You must remove him from your life entirely in order to be successful at putting an end to it for good. Find another job. Figure out what you can do about your marriage. My guess is that if you're in an affair and it's out of your character then something is terribly wrong in your marriage and you need to bring the topic of fixing your marriage forward with your husband or you need to find a way out of your marriage, other wise the affair could go on for years, even though you don't want it and you realize it's unhealthy and self destructive.

[OverIt75]

Tressugar - thanks for the support.

 

RegretfulAlways - your words mean a lot to me. I am totally alone in this and at times feel like I'm just going to explode. I am ready to do the right thing.

 

fellini - I am trying to understand your intentions. Have you ever been in this situation? I am not looking for sympathy, as I knew from the beginning it was wrong. In fact, I ended it multiple times, only to have it come back to take me over. I felt very out of control of my own decisions. I imagine only those who have found themselves in this situation can really understand.

 

And honestly, I don't care what my reasons are for wanting my dignity back - I'm just glad I do! Whatever it takes to get me back to living according to my own moral code. It's probably true that our recent interactions are what has shown me the reality of what I'm doing, and how truly horrible it is. Again, not sure why that's wrong. Should I go back to him and the R until I want out for the "right reasons"? No. I'll take any motivation I can get.

 

This is absolutely no excuse, but I've realized this A has become some form of an addiction for me. I've never understood how people can get so attached to alcohol or drugs...until now. I've never understood how people can't just wake up and do the right thing. Fortunately, I AM waking up. I am just asking for some support.

 

And of course, I've thought over and over about the possibility of my BH finding out, of the pain and misery. That is one of the many reasons I want it to end.

[OverIt75]

Ladydrib - you are absolutely right about needing to find a new job. I am scared to death about that part. I feel some sort of twisted loyalty to him...it is a VERY small company and I am an integral part. I would be leaving him in a pretty bad situation. However, logically I know that I can't worry about what it will do to him. My loyalty is misplaced - it needs to be redirected back to my M and family.

 

Honestly I feel like one of the reasons I've continued in the A is because of my job. I've known in my heart I would need to quit once we ended it; and that it seems just easier to continue in it if I'm going to stay. This is the primary reason I've felt so paralyzed.

[Ladydrib]

Ladydrib - you are absolutely right about needing to find a new job. I am scared to death about that part. I feel some sort of twisted loyalty to him...it is a VERY small company and I am an integral part. I would be leaving him in a pretty bad situation. However, logically I know that I can't worry about what it will do to him. My loyalty is misplaced - it needs to be redirected back to my M and family.

 

Honestly I feel like one of the reasons I've continued in the A is because of my job. I've known in my heart I would need to quit once we ended it; and that it seems just easier to continue in it if I'm going to stay. This is the primary reason I've felt so paralyzed.

 

I know it's scary. I was in the same position. And I liked my job. But I knew it was keeping me connected to the man I was trying to get away from. It was a large sacrifice to leave my job, but a small sacrifice considering how destructive the affair was. I did leave and I got a much better job anyway. But that still wasn't the end of the affair, but it was one step closer and I couldn't have made progress if I had stayed. You must be brave and leave the job.

[OverIt75]

And yes, it is very out of character for me. I've been married for 15 years and have never done this before. Sure, there are some irritations in my marriage, but nothing major. In fact, I've even told my AP that my marriage was good until this. I've never spoken negatively of my BH to my AP. It is truly as if I dropped some boundaries, and all of a sudden, found myself in a situation I never intended, that has been extremely difficult to get out of. I look back on how I got here and am flabbergasted. I don't even know myself any more.

[Ladydrib]

And yes, it is very out of character for me. I've been married for 15 years and have never done this before. Sure, there are some irritations in my marriage, but nothing major. In fact, I've even told my AP that my marriage was good until this. I've never spoken negatively of my BH to my AP. It is truly as if I dropped some boundaries, and all of a sudden, found myself in a situation I never intended, that has been extremely difficult to get out of. I look back on how I got here and am flabbergasted. I don't even know myself any more.

 

I completely understand. It's a terrible feeling and it makes no sense.

[Ladydrib]

So you're still involved in the affair but want out right?

[jwi71]

And yes, it is very out of character for me. I've been married for 15 years and have never done this before. Sure, there are some irritations in my marriage, but nothing major. In fact, I've even told my AP that my marriage was good until this. I've never spoken negatively of my BH to my AP. It is truly as if I dropped some boundaries, and all of a sudden, found myself in a situation I never intended, that has been extremely difficult to get out of. I look back on how I got here and am flabbergasted. I don't even know myself any more.

 

You are EXACTLY where you want to be - we all are actually.

 

You SAY you want out - and do NOTHING to get out.

 

You SAY its out of character - while repeatedly re-engaging.

 

You SAY your family doesn't deserve this - while doing it.

 

You SAY you can't find another job - and haven't looked.

 

This ends when YOU WANT it to. And right now, you don't.

 

And that is YOUR decision.

 

There is NO good time - and tomorrow is no less painful than today.

 

Your life, your choice, your consequences.

[OverIt75]

I am technically still in it, though it is off and on (usually at his whim). I am just ready to tell him there will be no more "on."

[Ladydrib]

I am technically still in it, though it is off and on (usually at his whim). I am just ready to tell him there will be no more "on."

 

The problem is that even though you want to end it, you're still torn or else it would already be over. So you may tell him you are done, but it's not easy to stick to it just because you say you're done. You have to take big steps to get out. I hope you start looking for another job. That's probably the best thing you can do right now.

[whichwayisup]

Somehow I have not been discovered yet.

 

How long ago did his wife find out?

 

Not trying to scare you but if she catches wind that you two are still on going in the affair, there's a pretty good chance she will dig and find out who you are and expose your A to your husband. Your H may know something is 'off' with you, he knows you well but figures you're stressed out about work related issues, not an A.

 

Start looking for another job asap.

[StarChick]

Hey, hon. I haven't been on here for awhile but I wanted to support the decision of ending things. Like the others have stated, you know what this is and you feel used for it. Love isn't this. I know you know this. Find the strength to end it, seek other employment and to patch things up in your marriage.

 

I would also strongly encourage you to tell your husband before he finds out from someone else. I can tell in your posts that integrity is important to you, and if you are to rebuild your marriage, do it from a foundation of honesty. Plus, if it's out in the open, you can concentrate on the marriage instead of having the burden of hiding it, or living in fear of him finding out. There's freedom in honesty. His world will be rocked to its core, but you can either start fresh in the marriage if he wants to work in it, or at least you can release him with the truth that his marriage, for a time, consisted of three people. It's one step in getting back your dignity.

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this... I am happy that you have some clarity in the situation. Use it to your, and your marriage's, advantage.

[OverIt75]

WhichWayIsUp - she confirmed the A 3 months ago. Frankly, I am surprised she hasn't found out it's me yet. I keep thinking the other shoe will drop any minute. It's absolutely stupid and reckless of me. Maybe in the dark corners of my mind, I think I would feel some relief if she knew. Because then I would have to quit, my H would know, it would all be out on the table. But I know that's the lazy way out...

 

StarChick - I am crying tears for the right reason in months! Thank you for reminding me who the real victim is in all this! I do want to tell my H - I know he deserves the truth and I also believe I may not be able to get out of this without his help. I am just so terribly scared.

[fellini]

You asked if I have any experience in this. Yes.

 

My wife also had a LTR with a colleague from work.

 

My wife also knew that what she was doing was wrong, but neither her best friend or IC could convince her not to take her EA to PA.

 

My wife also, like you, THOUGHT SHE WAS COMPLETELY INCAPABLE OF ENDING IT WITH HER AP, and in fact, fell in love with him, and he, with her, although he was a single man.

 

and get this: I had to sit her down and get her to tell me because she was not going to end her A with this guy. She needed me to force her to decide. She couldn't even decide to decide.

 

and the first thing she told our MC is: "I want my dignity back." Those were her exact words.

 

I do not see how this is about dignity if you continue to say you cannot make a decision to do anything. This is nonsense, every time you talk to your AP, you are making a decision, every time you go have sex with him, you have made several decisions. Every time you go home and lie to your husband and children, you are making decisions.What you really won't do is make the decision to stop. This is not dignity, this is about the inability to take responsibility to do what you need to do for yourself. You want others to make your decisions for you, and look where that got you. How can you get your dignity back if you cannot and will not do a single thing that is right for you?

[Popsicle]

What is it exactly that makes you hold on to it/him? What are you afraid to lose?

[OverIt75]

Fellini-

 

I won't engage with you again after this. While you might have experience as the BS, and I'm sure have been through great pain, you have still not walked in my shoes.

 

Keep in mind - it was TODAY that I came to a decision to end it. I've been waffling for months but am done with that now. You are giving me heck about saying I want something but doing nothing about it. It has only been a few hours. I came here in the hope I could get support in doing what I know I must.

 

And no, my own dignity is not the most important thing here. My husband, my kids and my M are. However you don't seem to understand that in order for me to have crossed that line, I compromised myself. I rationalized and justified. I allowed my own sense of right and wrong to get blurry. Perhaps it surprises you to hear that even 'good' people can make these terrible mistakes. So maybe dignity isn't the right word. I want my integrity back.

[OverIt75]

Popsicle, great question! I am holding on to nothing but shreds at this point. In fact, 80% of the time, I am in some state of pain or anxiety. It's time for me to really examine my motivations. In some ways, I feel like I've gone too far down the rabbit hole.

[Popsicle]

Popsicle, great question! I am holding on to nothing but shreds at this point. In fact, 80% of the time, I am in some state of pain or anxiety. It's time for me to really examine my motivations. In some ways, I feel like I've gone too far down the rabbit hole.

 

Shreds of what though? Just trying to understand, not doubt, judge or berate you.

[2sunny]

Fellini-

 

I won't engage with you again after this. While you might have experience as the BS, and I'm sure have been through great pain, you have still not walked in my shoes.

 

Keep in mind - it was TODAY that I came to a decision to end it. I've been waffling for months but am done with that now. You are giving me heck about saying I want something but doing nothing about it. It has only been a few hours. I came here in the hope I could get support in doing what I know I must.

 

And no, my own dignity is not the most important thing here. My husband, my kids and my M are. However you don't seem to understand that in order for me to have crossed that line, I compromised myself. I rationalized and justified. I allowed my own sense of right and wrong to get blurry. Perhaps it surprises you to hear that even 'good' people can make these terrible mistakes. So maybe dignity isn't the right word. I want my integrity back.

 

 

I'll cheer you on! I admire anyone for wanting to take action to get their integrity/self respect back!!!

 

Action that match words are the best/most effective way.

 

Can you begin looking for a new job today? Anything new is better than staying in a place of temptation every day.

 

Change is good - but it must come from you. This is what you DO have control over!

 

I hope you will change things that make you love yourself more!

[OverIt75]

Popsicle -

 

We have been friends for years. Before this, we had a great, easy relationship. I know logically that it will never go back to what it was. I just am facing the reality that 1) we will certainly never again have what we did in those first 6 weeks; and 2) we have lost out years-long friendship.

 

I hope you all know that I am aware I sound like I am more worried about him than my family. I am not, but I can tell you this is a real mind game. It's like I can see myself and know its crazy all while still wrapped up in it.

 

And Fellini - if you are trying to help me, I apologize. I need all the help I can get.

 

About disclosing to the BS - are there other BSs on this board who can tell me if they would have preferred not knowing? I struggle with that greatly.

[jellybean89]

Have you told the MM the affair is over? If not, why not?

 

That's the first step