I Want My Dignity Back

[OverIt75]

I won't see him until tomorrow. I plan to do it then.

[fellini]

Fellini-

Keep in mind - it was TODAY that I came to a decision to end it. I've been waffling for months but am done with that now. You are giving me heck about saying I want something but doing nothing about it. It has only been a few hours. I came here in the hope I could get support in doing what I know I must.

 

Perhaps it surprises you to hear that even 'good' people can make these terrible mistakes. So maybe dignity isn't the right word. I want my integrity back.

 

My WS is a good person, just like you. You are missing my point, I am responding to your words. It is you that said:

 

Maybe in the dark corners of my mind, I think I would feel some relief if she knew. Because then I would have to quit, my

H

would know, it would all be out on the table. But I know that's the lazy way out...

 

As a BS I am telling you I don't need to have walked in your shoes, what matters is how you are now dealing with this. You continue to show you would rather someone else be the one to put it all on the table. This line of thinking is going to go against you.

 

As a BS I am telling you that you do that and you have probably less than 15% chance your H will take you back. You allow him to find out from someone else you rob yourself of the most important CHIP you will need to have: some demonstrable proof that you came to your senses BEFORE he found out. Not after.

 

I say this as one of the few BS's in LS who believes that NOT all BS's need to be told about the Affair. But in your case I'd say you need to clean house before the house cleans you out.

 

If you H finds out from the BW of your AP, he will spend YEARS asking himself the same questions that I have and continue to have:

 

AM I OPTION B

DID SHE END IT ONLY BECAUSE SHE GOT CAUGHT

 

That you H is going to suffer is already completely understood. You have it in your hands to control the amount of fallout.

 

Good luck with it.

[fellini]

[quote=OverIt75;5777982

And Fellini - if you are trying to help me, I apologize. I need all the help I can get.

 

About disclosing to the BS - are there other BSs on this board who can tell me if they would have preferred not knowing? I struggle with that greatly.

 

Yes I am trying to help you.

 

I am a BS who would have rather my WS not told me a thing. (ON the understanding that she ended her A of course. The sooner the better)

 

This is where you are. But can you absolutely guarantee that your AP does not have a single message, text, phone bill, email anywhere where his BS might find it? Is his WS uninterested in knowing who you are?

 

If you could guarantee that you would not be outed by your AP and that the BS has no way to find you, then you could consider not telling.

 

But it seems to me that you are not in this safe place, and although you have ended it, it is going to come back to haunt you in short order.

[OverIt75]

You are right, fellini - I am ending it for good tomorrow. I know that only the first step, but I am ready.

[Friskyone4u]

You need to confess to your husband. The most selfish thing you are dong is having your husband who loves you be part of an open marriage that he knows nothing about. When he finds out, and he will , the lies and deception are going to be as damaging to him and your chances of saving your marriage as the sex.

At this point you are being used as a sex toy and believe me he is not going to leave his wife for you .

You will find that if you stop providing him sex he will end your affair for you. The reason he continues is because you continue to provide sex.

As

Someone else you continue to make excuses for continuing this behavior because you just don't want to stop. You say you do but you are an adult capable of making decisions and your current path eventually cost you your family as well as your dignity.

And don't expect your husband to allow you to co to he in that job when he finds out. And don't listen to that crap that what he does not know will not hurt him.

You are disrespecting him and humiliating him every time you climb into bed with your AP. Don't sugRcoat it

[whichwayisup]

If your H was cheating on you and having an A, wouldn't you want to know? This way you could decide for yourself if you wanted to salvage and work on your marriage or decide if you wanted a divorce?

 

3 months isn't that long then, and she may not know who you are but if she gets angry enough and finds any more evidence of an A going on (though good for you for really ending it) she will dig and dig until she finds out who you are and if you're married. Your H will be better off hearing it from you rather than from (ex)MM's wife or someone else. Office gossip too is something to worry about...People at work aren't stupid either, there are tons of people who thrive off of other people's situations.

[OverIt75]

Yes I am trying to help you.

 

I am a BS who would have rather my WS not told me a thing. (ON the understanding that she ended her A of course. The sooner the better)

 

This is where you are. But can you absolutely guarantee that your AP does not have a single message, text, phone bill, email anywhere where his BS might find it? Is his WS uninterested in knowing who you are?

 

If you could guarantee that you would not be outed by your AP and that the BS has no way to find you, then you could consider not telling.

 

But it seems to me that you are not in this safe place, and although you have ended it, it is going to come back to haunt you in short order.

 

This is hard...I just don't know if she can find out. We don't communicate via text, etc anymore since D Day. We have emailed some, but they are work emails. Mostly it is in person communication only. We don't go out in public together, unless it's for work. We have been inside four walls.

 

The reality of what I have been doing is really hitting me. I am starting to remember what it feels like to be on a team with my spouse, not HIM. I have been so selfless, sacrificing, caring...but to the wrong freaking person! I just cannot believe it.

 

Another part of this whole twisted mess is the dynamic in my relationship with AP - he's older than me, very authoritative, strong, and remember...my boss. It has made me feel very meek, small and powerless. Even while we've been on "the shelf", when he wants time with me, he approaches me with such assertiveness that I barely have a chance to get my thoughts together. He told me when we called it off that he needed it to be over, but that there would be times where he just couldn't physically help himself. I mean, he basically said, look, this has gotten a little too complicated for me, so it's over. But when I really want to have sex, I'm going to come back to you. And then he told me I "could say no." I can't even believe I've accepted any of this.

 

If I try to point any of this out to him, he fires back with how he can't believe I would think that way of him, that he loves me, etc. This has really messed with my head.

 

Sorry about the detour here. All of the above just further underscores that I MUST end this tomorrow.

[fellini]

You need to confess to your husband. The most selfish thing you are dong is having your husband who loves you be part of an open marriage that he knows nothing about.

 

And don't listen to that crap that what he does not know will not hurt him.

You are disrespecting him and humiliating him every time you climb into bed with your AP. Don't sugRcoat it

 

If you confess to your husband, understand his life, his marriage, his family as he knows it now is OVER. Forever.

 

This is the one time when the phrase "what he doesn't know, won't hurt him" is exactly true. If he never finds out.

 

Yours would not be the first undisclosed A on the planet, I can assure you.

 

If you have genuinely stopped seeing the AP, and you know it will never happen again, and you will never ever cross this line again, then he no longer "lives in an open marriage" and he is no longer being "humiliated" each time, because it is over.

 

For those who want an alternative argument to the "must tell no matter what" view in LS, I leave you with this article:

 

Why We Have Affairs — And Why Not to Tell - TIME

 

I don't live in the USA, so I don't live under any delusions that "truth" is the only important value that exists.

 

Im in the camp that recognizes that once an infidelity has taken place, there is no going back. The question is what to do about it. The first step is define yourself by your actions.

[lovinDKT3]

Op, I was in your shoes. When facing ending the A and telling my H I came up with excuse after excuse. Even saying you will end it tomorrow is an excuse. Why not do it today?

 

Looking back on my story, I wish I had done things so differently, even after the A. The biggest mistake I made is the same one I see you making now. Your H can't help you trough this, its no longer about you. Following that path ended in divorce for me and a H who wouldn't even look at me for almost two years.

 

There is a real good chance you will lose your husband. Understand this, it will help you when things come up that you think will be "OK". Such as 1) not being totally honest about all aspect of your A. 2) Doing things that you don't want to because its best for him IE leaving your job ASAP. 3) Protecting your AP.

 

Lastly, being the one to tell him does carry a lot of wieght. If others know, there is a good chance he will too, SOON.

 

Hugs and wishes of the best

[HermioneG]

I will never understand endorsing dishonesty.

 

It creates a rotten foundation for a marriage.

 

Everyone deserves the simple privilege of making decisions regarding their lives based on honesty.

 

Anyone who suggests otherwise has an agenda that I cannot comprehend.

 

I would try to be more zen about it, and say that I agree to disagree, but I don't.

 

Character is revealed in taking the hard actions. What is right is not always what is easy, and many times, the way to judge what is right is by how hard it is.

 

OP- I am sorry for your pain. I know this is a difficult time. I think there is a bright future ahead for you, but I feel very strongly that the peace and happiness in your future is predicated on being honest.

[HermioneG]

Op, I was in your shoes. When facing ending the A and telling my H I came up with excuse after excuse. Even saying you will end it tomorrow is an excuse. Why not do it today?

 

Looking back on my story, I wish I had done things so differently, even after the A. The biggest mistake I made is the same one I see you making now. Your H can't help you trough this, its no longer about you. Following that path ended in divorce for me and a H who wouldn't even look at me for almost two years.

 

There is a real good chance you will lose your husband. Understand this, it will help you when things come up that you think will be "OK". Such as 1) not being totally honest about all aspect of your A. 2) Doing things that you don't want to because its best for him IE leaving your job ASAP. 3) Protecting your AP.

 

Lastly, being the one to tell him does carry a lot of wieght. If others know, there is a good chance he will too, SOON.

 

Hugs and wishes of the best

 

OP- you would be wise to read and reread this. She has walked this walk, and has put her relationship back together. It took guts and gumption to figure it out, and you would be well served to learn from her early mistakes.

[fellini]

Personally I find the "imagine if things were the other way round" a specious argument.

 

I have no doubt about this: my Wife cheated on me, and in spite of everything I learned about her 1 year affair, I decided to work on reconciliation.

 

But I have ZERO delusion that had it been the other way around, I would have been on the street on DDAY. I know this, she knows this. There is no question. My life experiences have led me to question the "dealbreaker" mentality of infidelity, but I have no illusions that she, as a person is incapable of the same.

 

My decision to stay or go has nothing to do with what she would have done had the roles been reversed. This is just common sense.

 

"If I were her..", but I am NOT HER.

 

If your H was cheating on you and having an A, wouldn't you want to know? This way you could decide for yourself if you wanted to salvage and work on your marriage or decide if you wanted a divorce?

 

3 months isn't that long then, and she may not know who you are but if she gets angry enough and finds any more evidence of an A going on (though good for you for really ending it) she will dig and dig until she finds out who you are and if you're married. Your H will be better off hearing it from you rather than from (ex)MM's wife or someone else. Office gossip too is something to worry about...People at work aren't stupid either, there are tons of people who thrive off of other people's situations.

[fellini]

OP- you would be wise to read and reread this. She has walked this walk, and has put her relationship back together. It took guts and gumption to figure it out, and you would be well served to learn from her early mistakes.

 

Only the OP knows if her H is going to take this in the same way as DK or not.

There are just as many stories in LS of BS, especially BH's who end their marriages, who divorce their WS's as soon as they find out. There are stories here of WS's who finally caved and told their H's and they are on the street.

 

NO ONE HERE, not even those who have walked the walk can say what is going to happen here. The Op needs to get her sh-t together, she needs to know that she is over this AP, and if she has some breathing room between that day, and a supposed DDAY, then she might be better to take it.

 

Although in an ideal world it would be better that no one live a life of dishonesty, the fact is this OP has already been living that life. Telling her husband does NOT ERASE THE DISHONESTY.

 

And although you cannot imagine a world where people put hurting others to the point of PTSD as less important than the truth. I and others put hurting others above and beyond the ideal of honesty.

[OverIt75]

Op, I was in your shoes. When facing ending the A and telling my H I came up with excuse after excuse. Even saying you will end it tomorrow is an excuse. Why not do it today?

 

Hugs and wishes of the best

 

Thank you for sharing some of your story. This is the first time in a long time I don't feel like I'm about to burst. I have had to keep all of this to myself. In fact, that is one thing that binds you to your AP - you two are the only people you can turn to. What a mess.

 

As far as why not today - we don't communicate outside of work. Sending him an email would be a big risk. Tomorrow I will be back at work.

[fellini]

Thank you for sharing some of your story. This is the first time in a long time I don't feel like I'm about to burst. I have had to keep all of this to myself. In fact, that is one thing that binds you to your AP - you two are the only people you can turn to. What a mess.

 

As far as why not today - we don't communicate outside of work. Sending him an email would be a big risk. Tomorrow I will be back at work.

 

You might need to think very hard about resigning as soon as possible as well.

 

Everything you have said here suggests he will not take this lightly. Leaving your job will be more evidence to your H that you have done everything you have to do to put distance between you and this relationship.

[OverIt75]

Only the OP knows if her H is going to take this in the same way as DK or not.

There are just as many stories in LS of BS, especially BH's who end their marriages, who divorce their WS's as soon as they find out. There are stories here of WS's who finally caved and told their H's and they are on the street.

 

NO ONE HERE, not even those who have walked the walk can say what is going to happen here. The Op needs to get her sh-t together, she needs to know that she is over this AP, and if she has some breathing room between that day, and a supposed DDAY, then she might be better to take it.

 

Although in an ideal world it would be better that no one live a life of dishonesty, the fact is this OP has already been living that life. Telling her husband does NOT ERASE THE DISHONESTY.

 

And although you cannot imagine a world where people put hurting others to the point of PTSD as less important than the truth. I and others put hurting others above and beyond the ideal of honesty.

 

Thank you fellini, I am getting my sh-t together as we speak. I appreciate a dose of truth. We might be friends after all.

[fellini]

Thank you fellini, I am getting my sh-t together as we speak. I appreciate a dose of truth. We might be friends after all.

 

We might. :-) But remember I didn't think your reasons for NOT TELLING are honorable. As far as I can tell they are merely about not wanting to deal with it. If the true reason were to spare him the next 5 years of pain and suffering, then that would be an admirable reason. Not wanting to be the bearer of bad news is not a good excuse not to tell.

[OverIt75]

No, my reasons for not telling are absolutely to spare him the pain. I know it sounds like a huge contradiction - if I didn't want to cause him pain, why do this in the first place? There are no excuses - I just feel like I have been a whole different person. My eyes are getting clearer by the minute.

 

It is not about being the bearer of bad news. If I thought he would find out, I would want to be the one to tell him. Unfortunately, what's done is done. If I can avoid unloading this pile of crap on to him as well as my children, I want to try my best.

[fellini]

Everyone deserves the simple privilege of making decisions regarding their lives based on honesty.

 

By telling me about her affair, the last thing my WS did was give me the right to make the decision if I wanted to spend the rest of my life living with the knowledge of her affair. She did not ask me if I wanted to know, she told me. She took the decision of suffering PSTD from me, and made it hers.

 

Nice that, to get something off your chest, and hand it to your spouse to bear for the rest of their lives. Making decisions is not so black and white.

[HermioneG]

No, my reasons for not telling are absolutely to spare him the pain. I know it sounds like a huge contradiction - if I didn't want to cause him pain, why do this in the first place? There are no excuses - I just feel like I have been a whole different person. My eyes are getting clearer by the minute.

 

It is not about being the bearer of bad news. If I thought he would find out, I would want to be the one to tell him. Unfortunately, what's done is done. If I can avoid unloading this pile of crap on to him as well as my children, I want to try my best.

 

Gently, the damage is done, and it is a continuation of harm to hold the lie going forward.

 

But I don't want to argue with you. I just wanted you to know- as a betrayed, that I am grateful everyday that I know the truth of my life.

 

And by the way? Even with the pain that discovery caused- our relationship is reconciled, and we are five years plus out from the whole mess. It's a happy life, he's a happier person for having worked through his issues, and I can say, without reserve, that he is the best man I have ever known, and he was worth the struggle.

 

The truth doesn't have to destroy. The truth can be the beginning of a whole new story. And I'm sorry, I just don't think the story can happen on an uneven foundation. The damage is done. You aren't sparing him anything by not telling him, you are showing him that you don't trust him with the truth.

 

And that's not a healthy place to build a life together. It just isn't. And I would urge you to think deeply about that.

 

Peace to you. I'll bow out now.

[fellini]

No, my reasons for not telling are absolutely to spare him the pain. I know it sounds like a huge contradiction - if I didn't want to cause him pain, why do this in the first place? There are no excuses - I just feel like I have been a whole different person. My eyes are getting clearer by the minute.

 

It is not about being the bearer of bad news. If I thought he would find out, I would want to be the one to tell him. Unfortunately, what's done is done. If I can avoid unloading this pile of crap on to him as well as my children, I want to try my best.

 

It's a gamble. But so is having an affair.

 

In my case I would never have found out, the AP was single, and knew he had no claim to her. And he knew that work place affairs will always end. They could have parted, and that would have been the end of it.

 

Your case is more complicated because there is a BS involved, albeit some months ago. And when you tell your AP/Boss it's over, he might very well slip up using conventional communication trying to reach you to change your mind, and his BS might come across them.

 

Then again, he might just go look for a new target and leave no clues that anything ever went on between the two of you.

[HermioneG]

By telling me about her affair, the last thing my WS did was give me the right to make the decision if I wanted to spend the rest of my life living with the knowledge of her affair. She did not ask me if I wanted to know, she told me. She took the decision of suffering PSTD from me, and made it hers.

 

Nice that, to get something off your chest, and hand it to your spouse to bear for the rest of their lives. Making decisions is not so black and white.

 

I have to say- you are the first person I have ever run into, with the exception of a few mad hatters on a different forum who endorse dishonesty as a betrayed.

 

I don't look at it at all as getting something off your chest, or as relieving guilt.

 

I look at it as a sign that the wayward is invested in the well being of the betrayed and wants to move forward on an even playing ground, and truly is invested in the relationship.

 

I think your wife telling you is actually an amazingly positive step for your future ( I know you aren't nearly as far past DDay as I am), and I hope that as you travel further through the stages of recovery ( which takes years), that you'll see it as a positive step she took for your future. Because it really, really was.

[Popsicle]

As an OW, I don't recommend telling you husband. I think you need to just bite the bullet and put this man out of your life. Put your big girl pants on and just do it. Get a new job too. Pretend he's dead even. Go to IC (therapy) to help you with this, but do not tell your husband and family. Go to a different therapist with your husband for couples counseling too if you want to revive that spark between you two.

Edited June 30, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[lovinDKT3]

Thank you for sharing some of your story. This is the first time in a long time I don't feel like I'm about to burst. I have had to keep all of this to myself. In fact, that is one thing that binds you to your AP - you two are the only people you can turn to. What a mess.

 

As far as why not today - we don't communicate outside of work. Sending him an email would be a big risk. Tomorrow I will be back at work.

 

I understand what your saying, if you read my story you will find that I wrote about how the secret and not having an outlet makes you feel closer to AP.

 

You speak of risk, what's the risk? His wife already knows, right? I'm not one that will suggest you confess, I've said it many times I'm not comfortable doing that. All I have is how things worked and didn't work for me. I couldn't pull the trigger on confessing, my H put it all together and actually started the divorce process before he had any real proof or confession of the A. I do wish I had confessed, its was and remains to be a fairly big issue for my H (or ex I should say).

 

If your H gaves you a chance after this it will be hard, really hard. Just please remember if he asks anwser openly and honestly. Let him know everything, that way you don't get 3 months down the road then be forced to start all over with him finding out more, or that you haven't been totally honest.

 

Understand that this decision you made to be unfaithful will have long lasting affects on your M, H, and even your children. Fear will force you to want to with hold little details, fight that fear. Be brave and honest, its the only way to start rebuilding his trust in you.

 

Please don't be offended when he doesn't trust what your saying, there is really no way he can at this point. That is what you earned with your affair.

 

This is NOW about him, things have to move at his pace.

 

Lastly, he will most likely lash out in anger, you need to know the difference between anger and abuse. You deserve his anger, no one deserves abuse. Even if your A is abusive towards your H.

[OverIt75]

I understand what your saying, if you read my story you will find that I wrote about how the secret and not having an outlet makes you feel closer to AP.

 

You speak of risk, what's the risk? His wife already knows, right? I'm not one that will suggest you confess, I've said it many times I'm not comfortable doing that. All I have is how things worked and didn't work for me. I couldn't pull the trigger on confessing, my H put it all together and actually started the divorce process before he had any real proof or confession of the A. I do wish I had confessed, its was and remains to be a fairly big issue for my H (or ex I should say).

 

If your H gaves you a chance after this it will be hard, really hard. Just please remember if he asks anwser openly and honestly. Let him know everything, that way you don't get 3 months down the road then be forced to start all over with him finding out more, or that you haven't been totally honest.

 

Understand that this decision you made to be unfaithful will have long lasting affects on your M, H, and even your children. Fear will force you to want to with hold little details, fight that fear. Be brave and honest, its the only way to start rebuilding his trust in you.

 

Please don't be offended when he doesn't trust what your saying, there is really no way he can at this point. That is what you earned with your affair.

 

This is NOW about him, things have to move at his pace.

 

Lastly, he will most likely lash out in anger, you need to know the difference between anger and abuse. You deserve his anger, no one deserves abuse. Even if your A is abusive towards your H.

 

His wife knows he had an A, but was told it was over 3 months ago. Additionally, she still does not know it is me.

 

I do understand the damage of "trickle truth." I know that if he ever finds out or if I confess, I will have to be totally forthright.

 

I do fear the potential for violence. My H is very possessive of me...though to date it hasn't been in a scary way. He has said in jest that if I ever leave him, he would kill me. He was joking but just seeing that written down makes me feel sick. He is very emotional - I wouldn't put it past him to consider doing something to AP.