I Want My Dignity Back

[lovinDKT3]

As an OW, I don't recommend telling you husband. I think you need to just bite the bullet and put this man out of your life. Put your big girl pants on and just do it. Get a new job too. Pretend he's dead even. Go to IC (therapy) to help you with this, but do not tell your husband and family. Go to a different therapist with your husband for couples counseling too if you want to revive that spark between you two.

 

I could understand your point if the risk wasn't so high that her H won't find out through other means, IE AP's wife, other co-workers who I'm sure have figured it out. And more importantly her guilt, which doesn't or won't lessen as she begins to work her sh*t out.

 

Even after my H divorced me, I had a strong desire to confess to him aspects of my A. He wanted nothing to do with me or any confessions I wanted to make.

Edited June 30, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[OverIt75]

.

 

Then again, he might just go look for a new target and leave no clues that anything ever went on between the two of you.

 

I wouldn't put it past AP. He broke off another LTA to start up with me. Blech.

 

But somehow, because he told me "the truth", that fact is supposed to be less disgusting. I bought all of it, hook, line and sinker.

[lovinDKT3]

His wife knows he had an A, but was told it was over 3 months ago. Additionally, she still does not know it is me.

 

I do understand the damage of "trickle truth." I know that if he ever finds out or if I confess, I will have to be totally forthright.

 

I do fear the potential for violence. My H is very possessive of me...though to date it hasn't been in a scary way. He has said in jest that if I ever leave him, he would kill me. He was joking but just seeing that written down makes me feel sick. He is very emotional - I wouldn't put it past him to consider doing something to AP.

 

See, here is what I'm talking about when I speak of protecting your AP. What his wife thinks is his problem not yours. Your only focus has to be your marriage, your husband and your kids. Stop protecting your AP. Stop with the excuses already. Its not my intent to be harsh, because I don't want you to shut down. This site and people here can be a great help to you. I wish I had known about it when I was in your spot.

[OverIt75]

Maybe I'm deceiving myself, but I don't think I'm protecting AP by not emailing. I am afraid if his W finds out it's me, she will contact my H - removing any ability for me to be the one to tell him.

[fellini]

Spoken like a true BS, even the part where you discredit me and put me in the same league as mad hatters.

 

I do not endorse dishonesty as a betrayed. Waywards are dishonest from day ONE. Telling someone 1, 2, 10 years into an affair does not wipe any slate clean whatsoever.

 

The affair was dishonest.

 

Ending the affair is a movement towards honesty.

 

Doing the work to get back into and making the marriage good again can be a demonstration of honesty.

 

PUTTING YOUR BS INTO TRAUMA DOES NOT LEVEL ANY PLAYING FIELD IN MY BOOK.

 

I have to say- you are the first person I have ever run into, with the exception of a few mad hatters on a different forum who endorse dishonesty as a betrayed.

 

I don't look at it at all as getting something off your chest, or as relieving guilt.

 

I look at it as a sign that the wayward is invested in the well being of the betrayed and wants to move forward on an even playing ground, and truly is invested in the relationship.

 

I think your wife telling you is actually an amazingly positive step for your future ( I know you aren't nearly as far past DDay as I am), and I hope that as you travel further through the stages of recovery ( which takes years), that you'll see it as a positive step she took for your future. Because it really, really was.

[Scorpio Chick]

Overit75, I read the posts before Fellini's. I'm in no position to 'judge' and I'm not judging, but what Fellini said is true, and I re-read your post. Don't you want honesty? You either want help or you posted maybe not to get sympathy, but for people to offer you hugs, whatever. That won't address the issue.

 

I re-read your post and you do make it clear that the first 6 weeks were 'blissful' but once a discovery was made of some sort, now it's a disaster. The first step to you getting over this user, this man who it is clear from your posts, is like thousands of other married men, getting his cake and eating it too. Trust me, he's NOT pining over lack of time with you. And neither one of you is MAKING A MISTAKE. Sex takes at least minutes, and if you're having good sex with him, let's say it's 30 minutes, that's not a mistake.

 

I know I'm not saying the words like someone else did, of 'sending you hugs' but what does that do exactly? You clearly got mad at Fellini but embraced the others who didn't say anything tough to you. If you can't get tough and admit that you walked into this with open eyes, then the answer to your question is, you don't have any dignity to gain back. You HAVE to be tough with YOURSELF first. Like me, I was weak and wrong and I am disgusted at myself. I have no excuse. None. I didn't give a rat's ass about his wife, who I knew was being deceived. I don't deserve hugs because I can't have a married man. The betrayed wife deserves hugs and the cheating man deserves a kick in the ass. Don't draw the conclusion that I'm saying you're a bad person. What I am saying is you have to at least admit that you knowingly did something wrong. You maybe fell in love, or lust, and there is nothing deliberate about that. But ACTING on it is a whole other matter. You didn't HAVE to act on it, just like I didn't have to act on it. But any sadness I felt, I brought on, no one else, and it's not really deserved. What did I expect? Did I expect him to leave his wife? If so, SHAME ON ME. I didn't, but, the question remains, why would I be sad? I got involved with a MARRIED MAN. There's no justification.

 

You can see this as me being mean, and having bad intentions. I'm responding to your plea for how to get your dignity back. If being honest is mean to you, then pray tell, how do you classify YOUR intentions to the married woman who you're helping to be deceived?

Edited June 29, 2014 by Scorpio Chick

[fellini]

In the end the affair is not about the BS. The WS has to do the work necessary to fix what is wrong in themselves.

 

Some people here feel that this is impossible without the Betrayed and traumatised spouse working along side.

 

My experience is quite the opposite: exposure of the problem in the WS shifts the entire Affair into the trauma of the BS such that it becomes all about the recovery of the BS, when the real focus needs to be the recovery of the WS.

 

I see no benefit in making the BS the work to be done, when it is the WS who truly needs to fix themselves. And I have seen through personal experience how shifting and creating trauma in the BS only prevents the WS from focusing on her own pain and issues.

 

LS, and this particular area of LS in particular, shows us BS's that some WS's do in fact awaken from their bubble, face the consequences, deal with their issues, end things, go through the emotional rollercoaster of ending all emotional connections with their AP's, and are in a very good position to return to their marital home and try to then work on fixing any issues there.

 

If any of these stories are remotely true, then I think it is fair to say that the BS does not have a monopoly of knowledge of what the WS must do, nor must the WS inform the BS in order to get things back on track.

 

All this language about equal playing fields, if the roles were reversed, humiliation, the marriage is a lie, are understandable positions from a BS who has suffered from having a DDAY. But if you want to know if there are more BS's who do not want to know, then you are going to have to ask those who are NOT BS's, and these people simple do not spend much time in LS, and for good reason.

[lovinDKT3]

Maybe I'm deceiving myself, but I don't think I'm protecting AP by not emailing. I am afraid if his W finds out it's me, she will contact my H - removing any ability for me to be the one to tell him.

 

Read what you wrote, you are protecting him, even over yourself. The first comment you made about telling him "NO MORE" right now was and I quote "his wife thinks its been over for three months" no mention of her telling your husband. Your first reactions was his well being.

 

Overit, this is hard, trust me I know. The very first step is being honest with yourself.

[Scorpio Chick]

Overit75, the main thing I would say to your thread title that you want your dignity back.

 

You can't rewrite history now. You can only go forward.

 

You have to be willing to stop and think about what transpired with him. Ok, you shouldn't have gotten involved with him, because he's married. Let's move past that now, no good can come from wallowing in that.

 

I would like to see you be bold. Tough and bold. Know this: the same as the guy I got involved with: this guy does not care about you. If you had the ability to see inside his little deceptive heart, you would know this and you would be mighty pissed. You've gotten the oxytocin raging with him, you bonded with him. Fine. That was then. This is now. You are tough. You are NOT some man's plaything. Is your heart a toy to be trifled with?

 

Don't quit your job, oh, no. If anyone should quit, it should be him. Why should it be you? Eff that. Hasn't he rocked everyone's world enough?

 

If you have to fake it til you make it, do so. All I know is if you, and I was, capable of helping a married man to deceive his wife, then I certainly can be tough now in cutting him off. This is the ONLY way to, as you put it, get your dignity back. In fact, blow this big liar's mind and be robotically tough towards him AND COLD. He doesn't even see it coming, would he? Nope. He believes with every fiber of his deceptive being that ALL, and I do mean ALL, he has to do is send you a little text or call you and you will all to willingly drop everything and drop your pants for him, God's little gift to his wife and mistress. I don't think so.

 

You're going to do what you want, but for me, I can tell you everytime I think about the guy I got involved with and how little he OF COURSE, cared about me (he sure as hell didn't care about his wife), I get a very almost perverse thrill in at least hoping that the fierce, abrupt cutting off him I did bothers the hell out of his narcissistic mind. But that's just me. I'm a Scorpio.

[lovinDKT3]

In the end the affair is not about the BS. The WS has to do the work necessary to fix what is wrong in themselves.

 

Some people here feel that this is impossible without the Betrayed and traumatised spouse working along side.

 

My experience is quite the opposite: exposure of the problem in the WS shifts the entire Affair into the trauma of the BS such that it becomes all about the recovery of the BS, when the real focus needs to be the recovery of the WS.

 

I see no benefit in making the BS the work to be done, when it is the WS who truly needs to fix themselves. And I have seen through personal experience how shifting and creating trauma in the BS only prevents the WS from focusing on her own pain and issues.

 

LS, and this particular area of LS in particular, shows us BS's that some WS's do in fact awaken from their bubble, face the consequences, deal with their issues, end things, go through the emotional rollercoaster of ending all emotional connections with their AP's, and are in a very good position to return to their marital home and try to then work on fixing any issues there.

 

If any of these stories are remotely true, then I think it is fair to say that the BS does not have a monopoly of knowledge of what the WS must do, nor must the WS inform the BS in order to get things back on track.

 

All this language about equal playing fields, if the roles were reversed, humiliation, the marriage is a lie, are understandable positions from a BS who has suffered from having a DDAY. But if you want to know if there are more BS's who do not want to know, then you are going to have to ask those who are NOT BS's, and these people simple do not spend much time in LS, and for good reason.

 

I get what your saying. Believe me I ran it all through my head at the time. The truth is, its not smart to build a beautiful house on a landmine. In the words of DKT, one false step and BOOM, all the work is ruined. You first need to clear the bombs, then build the house.

[Popsicle]

I could understand your point if the risk wasn't so high that her H won't find out through other means, IE AP's wife, other co-workers who I'm sure have figured it out. And more importantly her guilt, which doesn't or won't lessen as she begins to work her sh*t out.

 

Even after my H divorced me, I had a strong desire to confess to him aspects of my A. He wanted nothing to do with me or any confessions I wanted to make.

 

Plenty of BS's don't find out and from what I can tell it seems like most of these couples that stay together after confessing just seem miserable living in pain and pretending not to to me. Sometimes the whole family bears the pain and their reputation goes too and nothing really improves. It's not with it. She should bear the guilt herself.

[OverIt75]

Overit75, the main thing I would say to your thread title that you want your dignity back.

 

You can't rewrite history now. You can only go forward.

 

You have to be willing to stop and think about what transpired with him. Ok, you shouldn't have gotten involved with him, because he's married. Let's move past that now, no good can come from wallowing in that.

 

I would like to see you be bold. Tough and bold. Know this: the same as the guy I got involved with: this guy does not care about you. If you had the ability to see inside his little deceptive heart, you would know this and you would be mighty pissed. You've gotten the oxytocin raging with him, you bonded with him. Fine. That was then. This is now. You are tough. You are NOT some man's plaything. Is your heart a toy to be trifled with?

 

Don't quit your job, oh, no. If anyone should quit, it should be him. Why should it be you? Eff that. Hasn't he rocked everyone's world enough?

 

If you have to fake it til you make it, do so. All I know is if you, and I was, capable of helping a married man to deceive his wife, then I certainly can be tough now in cutting him off. This is the ONLY way to, as you put it, get your dignity back. In fact, blow this big liar's mind and be robotically tough towards him AND COLD. He doesn't even see it coming, would he? Nope. He believes with every fiber of his deceptive being that ALL, and I do mean ALL, he has to do is send you a little text or call you and you will all to willingly drop everything and drop your pants for him, God's little gift to his wife and mistress. I don't think so.

 

You're going to do what you want, but for me, I can tell you everytime I think about the guy I got involved with and how little he OF COURSE, cared about me (he sure as hell didn't care about his wife), I get a very almost perverse thrill in at least hoping that the fierce, abrupt cutting off him I did bothers the hell out of his narcissistic mind. But that's just me. I'm a Scorpio.

 

Thank you for this awesome pep talk.

 

I'm ready to walk in tomorrow and be a bad a$$ b-tch. It is over. No more. And I will do it with a smile.

[OverIt75]

Overit75, I read the posts before Fellini's. I'm in no position to 'judge' and I'm not judging, but what Fellini said is true, and I re-read your post. Don't you want honesty? You either want help or you posted maybe not to get sympathy, but for people to offer you hugs, whatever. That won't address the issue.

....

 

You can see this as me being mean, and having bad intentions. I'm responding to your plea for how to get your dignity back. If being honest is mean to you, then pray tell, how do you classify YOUR intentions to the married woman who you're helping to be deceived?

 

Hopefully you can tell by now that I didn't come here for hugs, nor do I want to be coddled. I want the truth. I want accountability. I have felt stuck being unable to talk to anyone about this...coming here has already helped me tremendously.

[HermioneG]

I get what your saying. Believe me I ran it all through my head at the time. The truth is, its not smart to build a beautiful house on a landmine. In the words of DKT, one false step and BOOM, all the work is ruined. You first need to clear the bombs, then build the house.

 

Perfectly stated. Perfectly.

[Scorpio Chick]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I know it feels impossible to get out of. You probably have the fight of your life ahead of you. Start by finding a new job. You must remove him from your life entirely in order to be successful at putting an end to it for good. Find another job. Figure out what you can do about your marriage. My guess is that if you're in an affair and it's out of your character then something is terribly wrong in your marriage and you need to bring the topic of fixing your marriage forward with your husband or you need to find a way out of your marriage, other wise the affair could go on for years, even though you don't want it and you realize it's unhealthy and self destructive.

 

Why should SHE be the one to upend her world and look for a new job? There's more than one way to remove him from her life. While you're an adult, Overit75, this was an affair so all bet's are off and I'm sorry, the gloves can and should come off. Was he in a superior position over you? Then you know what? USE IT!! To hell with anything else, this is real life we're talking about.

 

You definitely should cut him off, swiftly and don't look back for one second, and HOLD YOUR HEAD UP HIGH. But no way does that mean you should be the one to look for another job. When does this cheater finally have to pay some dues? You think he's bellyaching about his lack of a relationship with you? Pfft. Time for HIM to feel SOME pain. If he was in a position of superiority, he should have known better, and in fact, gets paid the bigger dollars than his superiors TO KNOW BETTER. But just like his deceptive heart feels, he knows you will protect him. Again, F that. Come on! Show him! You were and are nothing to him. And you're not the only one, if not now, there will be another.

 

Even if he's not your superior, you STILL shouldn't be the one to tuck tail and quit. We're women. Unfortunately, we are all too good at ignoring those we don't like, so ignore him, even if he walks right by you. Enjoy sticking it to him like that. You are building that dignity muscle every time you would do that, too. And he will finally realize, some women don't put up with his s--t and have more balls than he has had.

[OverIt75]

Scorpio Chick - YOU have reminded me that I do have balls!

 

I feel stronger than I have in months. I am so happy to have the right perspective and see this for what it really is.

 

I love my H. I wish I could erase all of this, go back in time. It's time for decisive action.

 

I will keep you all updated...should I continue the same thread or start a new one? Not sure of the rules here.

 

Wow. So glad to have found LS!!

[whichwayisup]

Why should SHE be the one to upend her world and look for a new job? There's more than one way to remove him from her life. While you're an adult, Overit75, this was an affair so all bet's are off and I'm sorry, the gloves can and should come off. Was he in a superior position over you? Then you know what? USE IT!! To hell with anything else, this is real life we're talking about.

 

You definitely should cut him off, swiftly and don't look back for one second, and HOLD YOUR HEAD UP HIGH. But no way does that mean you should be the one to look for another job. When does this cheater finally have to pay some dues? You think he's bellyaching about his lack of a relationship with you? Pfft. Time for HIM to feel SOME pain. If he was in a position of superiority, he should have known better, and in fact, gets paid the bigger dollars than his superiors TO KNOW BETTER. But just like his deceptive heart feels, he knows you will protect him. Again, F that. Come on! Show him! You were and are nothing to him. And you're not the only one, if not now, there will be another.

 

Even if he's not your superior, you STILL shouldn't be the one to tuck tail and quit. We're women. Unfortunately, we are all too good at ignoring those we don't like, so ignore him, even if he walks right by you. Enjoy sticking it to him like that. You are building that dignity muscle every time you would do that, too. And he will finally realize, some women don't put up with his s--t and have more balls than he has had.

 

Chances are, they could both lose their jobs. He is in a position of power and is her boss. Some companies have very strict rules about employees and employers dating, let alone having an A.

[bubbaganoosh]

You should remember one thing. Keeping something like this away from your husband is no guarantee that he won't find out.

 

Most betrayed spouses find out from their cheating spouse's mistakes.

 

If you want your dignity back then IMO, give your husband back his dignity. He did nothing to deserve to have his dignity run through the mud.

 

If your serious about ending this then that means no contact with him for any reason. To still keep in contact for anything will just keep the feelings going and you'll remained trapped.

Edited June 30, 2014 by bubbaganoosh

[OverIt75]

Chances are, they could both lose their jobs. He is in a position of power and is her boss. Some companies have very strict rules about employees and employers dating, let alone having an A.

 

He is THE boss. Top dog.

 

I am number two.

 

If he fires me, it would do me a huge favor. Frankly, I don't think he feels like he can. I know too much.

 

Admittedly, it is a very f'd up situation.

[OverIt75]

If your serious about ending this then that means no contact with him for any reason. To still keep in contact for anything will just keep the feelings going and you'll remained trapped.

 

I agree. I have to figure out my job situation. I want to be able to completely cut this off and move forward.

[Scorpio Chick]

Scorpio Chick - YOU have reminded me that I do have balls!

 

I feel stronger than I have in months. I am so happy to have the right perspective and see this for what it really is.

 

I love my H. I wish I could erase all of this, go back in time. It's time for decisive action.

 

I will keep you all updated...should I continue the same thread or start a new one? Not sure of the rules here.

 

Wow. So glad to have found LS!!

 

Thank you, Overit75!!! It means a lot that you feel that way. I decided I'm not going to beat myself up about what I did, you should not either, and that will mean nothing if I repeat it again with him or someone else - I WILL NOT!!

 

I'm glad you found this forum and posted your story! Hugs to you!!

[BG11]

No, my reasons for not telling are absolutely to spare him the pain. I know it sounds like a huge contradiction - if I didn't want to cause him pain, why do this in the first place? There are no excuses - I just feel like I have been a whole different person. My eyes are getting clearer by the minute.

 

It is not about being the bearer of bad news. If I thought he would find out, I would want to be the one to tell him. Unfortunately, what's done is done. If I can avoid unloading this pile of crap on to him as well as my children, I want to try my best.

 

Unfortunately you probably cannot. It seems like its only a matter of time until he finds out. I hope you keep in mind that it is really hard for a marriage to survive an affair but almost impossible when the betrayed spouse finds out from a source other than their wayward spouse.

 

The longer you put it off the more likely it is that he will find out from someone else and if that happens any shred of trust or respect he has left for you will be gone forever.

 

Of course you could be one of those rare cases where the BS never finds out but it seems unlikely. You OM wife can find out who you are from so many different sources. A old email that didn't really get erased, or a old text, phone bills that show an abnormal amount of calls or text, maybe your OM was dumb and told somebody, or people in your office suspect something, and so on.

[Jonah]

Boss told you that if you didn't want to then just say no. He probably meant that. So just say no and one could almost hear him think: "no problem!"

 

I mean to say, you could just keep it simple and keep your job. If you wanted your job that is.

 

But then saying no might be a turn on for him. Be watchful for the return of the chase.

[fellini]

I get what your saying. Believe me I ran it all through my head at the time. The truth is, its not smart to build a beautiful house on a landmine. In the words of DKT, one false step and BOOM, all the work is ruined. You first need to clear the bombs, then build the house.

 

So it's better to build a beautiful house on 5, 10 years of nuclear fallout from D-Day? They call it D-day for a reason, don't you think? (There are plenty of stories in LS about the years of pain and suffering of a BS, some who ultimately threw in the towel, some who stay, and remain in pain, some who stay and live a loveless marriage "in a beautiful house"...)

 

So it's better to build a beautiful house from a shotgun shack four blocks away while you go back to your exH's house to drop off the kids for his custody time? (Yes there are stories here in LS about disclosing and instant divorce)

 

So it's better to build a beautiful house while your BS is in prison because he reacted badly and beat the sh-t out of the exAP? (Yes, there are stories here in LS about that too)

 

And just as these stories are real, so are the "disclosure and 5 years later we are stronger stories."

 

This is the difference: I believe all of them are true, and I do not think anyone in LS is in a position to promise the OP that if she gets her guilt off her chest that things are going to be just hunky dory from that day on. Or even 5 years on.

 

But yeah, if she tells her husband, the people here who are telling her she MUST TELL, will be here for the next 3 years while she obsesses about having lost her husband, her kids, her job, and her dignity never came back. She'll get lots of support in virtual world LS and be the disgrace in her real world.

 

I have already told the OP several times that I THINK she should tell, and why. What I do not pretend to do is to tell her that it is her only salvation. And I do not pretend to be able to predict how her husband is going to take it. Maybe he will be more like me, and want to work it out, maybe he will be more like most of the BS's in here, and it will be the deal breaker.

 

Telling her H is NOT her ONLY SALVATION. She has options, now she has to start weighing her options, and moving on the one she thinks is best for her situation, and live with the consequences. Just like she has been doing all along.

Edited June 30, 2014 by fellini

[BG11]

So it's better to build a beautiful house on 5, 10 years of nuclear fallout from D-Day? They call it D-day for a reason, don't you think? (There are plenty of stories in LS about the years of pain and suffering of a BS, some who ultimately threw in the towel, some who stay, and remain in pain, some who stay and live a loveless marriage "in a beautiful house"...)

 

So it's better to build a beautiful house from a shotgun shack four blocks away while you go back to your exH's house to drop off the kids for his custody time? (Yes there are stories here in LS about disclosing and instant divorce)

 

So it's better to build a beautiful house while your BS is in prison because he reacted badly and beat the sh-t out of the exAP? (Yes, there are stories here in LS about that too)

 

And just as these stories are real, so are the "disclosure and 5 years later we are stronger stories."

 

This is the difference: I believe all of them are true, and I do not think anyone in LS is in a position to promise the OP that if she gets her guilt off her chest that things are going to be just hunky dory from that day on. Or even 5 years on.

 

But yeah, if she tells her husband, the people here who are telling her she MUST TELL, will be here for the next 3 years while she obsesses about having lost her husband, her kids, her job, and her dignity never came back. She'll get lots of support in virtual world LS and be the disgrace in her real world.

 

I have already told the OP several times that I THINK she should tell, and why. What I do not pretend to do is to tell her that it is her only salvation. And I do not pretend to be able to predict how her husband is going to take it. Maybe he will be more like me, and want to work it out, maybe he will be more like most of the BS's in here, and it will be the deal breaker.

 

Telling her H is NOT her ONLY SALVATION. She has options, now she has to start weighing her options, and moving on the one she thinks is best for her situation, and live with the consequences. Just like she has been doing all along.

 

 

I think you are being a little overdramatic on why people are telling her to confess. I didn't read everyones response but I don't think people are saying its her only salvation. Personally I think she already killed her marriage.

 

I think the majority see that it is very likely that her H is going to learn of the affair, and if it comes from a source other than her she will lose any small chance she has to reconcile.

 

You taking your wife back was the exception, not the rule. Most are going to struggle like crazy after something like this but her best chance to gain some trust points back is to confess.