I Want My Dignity Back

[OverIt75]

Just how did you imagine this would end? Were you going to replace your husband with O/M or were you just going to have secret sex with him for a couple of years and than keep your little secret from your husband by taking it to your grave? Doesn't sound like your 100% committed to your marriage either way. Keeping that big a secret from your spouse is a guarantee of disaster, personally it will very likely affect you physically, mentally, and the threat of exposure constantly hovering over your head will cause other stress's on your relationship.

 

Without honesty how do you see your marriage working out? I fear for you because it sounds like you have what appears to be the perfect family, great job but somehow that perfect isn't perhaps enough because you risk it all for a guy that cheats on his wife, than cheats on his mistress with you for 7 months. Your going to have to explain this all to your husband soon. Think of the hurt he is going to feel when tell him that anytime O/M wants sex you just give it up to him, that should make him feel pretty special. Get yourself fired, tell him he has no choice, find another job. Start independent counselling if you haven't already done so, these will soften some of the blow for your husband. I don't know how big your office is but others may already suspect your relationship with your boss.

 

Truthfully, I'm not sure that any wayward really considers how it will end. We are not exactly showing our propensity for making long term, healthy decisions. I will say that in the very beginning, when he was pushing for this R and I was still resisting, I specifically told him there is NO good way for this to end. It will be bad one way or the other. Over the course of a few weeks, he chipped away at my resolve.

 

I would have never believed that I would have done this. I have been married for 15+ years, with my H for nearly 19. We have never strayed, and consider ourselves to be fortunate in our M. God, I am so disgusted with myself.

[OverIt75]

Lack of any further physical involvement is a start.

 

As concerns holes, you might want to consider the size/depth of the crater that will be created (in your relationship with your husband) by the meteor impact that looms in the future. If he finds out on his own (rather than you confessing) then the damage will be orders of magnitudes greater.

 

P.S. You are not the first to be played for sex. I sincerely hope you can reconnect with your husband. The more/continual lying that happens from here on out (either by omission or commission), the less likely your husband will be able to stay connected with you.

 

I am done with the A...moved on.

 

This potential crater has not escaped me. Believe me - I know I'm in a mess.

[SoulStorm]

Did you tell xAP no more..or are you still waiting to do it?

[lovinDKT3]

Ownit, I will leave you with one last thought, and what I learned from my journey.

 

By me not confessing my affair it created both a physical and emotional distance between myself and H. The fear that I would some how show tells of the A caused it. The fear that I would say too much, or do something different that maybe I had never done before.

 

I tried the "he never has to know" approach. No one told him, I never confessed until I was served with divorce papers. He put it together little by little even without real proof.

 

My point is, like myself you are showing real signs of guilt for your actions. This guilt will likely cause you to drop clues.

 

In the end it wasn't the affair that ended my marriage, this is proven by us being together now. What ended my marriage is wayward thinking, not being honest and thinking my husband the fool. At one point we both knew, I knew that he knew yet I still couldn't confess. I told myself it was to save him the pain, in truth I think I always knew he would never accept it and move forward.

 

5 years of working my a$$ off got me a second chance. But it could have been so different, even after the A. I didn't have to watch as my daughter cried for her daddy or hear my son tell me he hates me because I made daddy move out. Had I been honest and placed the trust in H that he placed in me, just maybe I could have saved everyone from at least some of the pain.

 

I truly hope it works out for the best, in which ever route you take.

Edited July 1, 2014 by lovinDKT3

[OverIt75]

Did you tell xAP no more..or are you still waiting to do it?

 

I was waiting for someone to ask me that. I know I will get blasted here, but no. He was running from meeting to meeting today, as was I, and we never got a moment alone.

 

However, there has been no communication or contact of the A kind since last Wednesday. Usually by now I would have caved, engaged him somehow. But I haven't. Today I was professional and polite, but distant. I stayed away from him, no personal talk, didn't even look his way. It almost feels like there is a mutual unspoken agreement to end it.

 

BUT - I know I have make it official, say it out loud. Hopefully I will get a chance tomorrow.

 

(Boos, hissing and chastising commence...)

 

I am saying it - I am done.

[OverIt75]

Ownit, I will leave you with one last thought, and what I learned from my journey.

 

By me not confessing my affair it created both a physical and emotional distance between myself and H. The fear that I would some how show tells of the A caused it. The fear that I would say too much, or do something different that maybe I had never done before.

 

I tried the "he never has to know" approach. No one told him, I never confessed until I was served with divorce papers. He put it together little by little even without real proof.

 

My point is, like myself you are showing real signs of guilt for your actions. This guilt will likely cause you to drop clues.

 

In the end it wasn't the affair that ended my marriage, this is proven by us being together now. What ended my marriage is wayward thinking, not being honest and thinking my husband the fool. At one point we both knew, I knew that he knew yet I still couldn't confess. I told myself it was to save him the pain, in truth I think I always knew he would never accept it and move forward.

 

5 years of working my a$$ off got me a second chance. But it could have been so different, even after the A. I didn't have to watch as my daughter cried for her daddy or hear my son tell me he hates me because I made daddy move out. Had I been honest and placed the trust in H that he placed in me, just maybe I could have saved everyone from at least some of the pain.

 

I truly hope it works out for the best, in which ever route you take.

 

Thank you. Thank you.

[SoulStorm]

I was waiting for someone to ask me that. I know I will get blasted here, but no. He was running from meeting to meeting today, as was I, and we never got a moment alone.

 

However, there has been no communication or contact of the A kind since last Wednesday. Usually by now I would have caved, engaged him somehow. But I haven't. Today I was professional and polite, but distant. I stayed away from him, no personal talk, didn't even look his way. It almost feels like there is a mutual unspoken agreement to end it.

 

BUT - I know I have make it official, say it out loud. Hopefully I will get a chance tomorrow.

 

(Boos, hissing and chastising commence...)

 

I am saying it - I am done.

 

Boo hiss:) you know better ( chastising) The sooner the better is all I'm saying

[OverIt75]

I just did it.

 

He propositioned me via email. I replied and said I wasn't going to do this anymore.

 

Support appreciated!! I feel pretty damn good right now but know I will have moments...

[SoulStorm]

Were you home with your husband when propositioned you?

[aliveagain]

What would he say if you also replied with "I'm telling my husband everything?" Would he fire you? Good for you for standing your ground, that greedy POS doesn't care if you loose your family, all he want's is convenient sex that doesn't cost him money.

[OverIt75]

Were you home with your husband when propositioned you?

 

No, I happened to be out for a walk.

 

I replied back, very bluntly, short and sweet (well, not really sweet).

[OverIt75]

What would he say if you also replied with "I'm telling my husband everything?" Would he fire you? Good for you for standing your ground, that greedy POS doesn't care if you loose your family, all he want's is convenient sex that doesn't cost him money.

 

Gosh, I have no idea. If that's what I was doing, I would quit simultaneously anyway.

 

THANK YOU. I am shaking my head in disbelief right now. He really thinks he can put me in a box and take me out when he "needs" to. Forget my feelings. He's obviously not concerned about me at all.

 

I have much more important, WORTHY things to focus on.

[thummper]

This guy obviously hasn't gotten to the position in life that he has by giving up easily. Prepare yourself for some serious pressure to give in, after all, you always have before. This predator isn't going to stop trying to get you into bed. BE STRONG.......DON'T GIVE IN, NO MATTER HOW LONG HE BEGS, PLEADS, OR THREATENS! Don't let his sexual desires derail your life!

[OverIt75]

This guy obviously hasn't gotten to the position in life that he has by giving up easily. Prepare yourself for some serious pressure to give in, after all, you always have before. This predator isn't going to stop trying to get you into bed. BE STRONG.......DON'T GIVE IN, NO MATTER HOW LONG HE BEGS, PLEADS, OR THREATENS! Don't let his sexual desires derail your life!

 

You are very right. He is very persistent, persuasive and stubborn - a total alpha male persona. I do have to shore myself up. I am familiar with his patterns.

[OverIt75]

Went back to edit (to add) but was too late.

 

Just one question. If you reach down inside, is there something there that hopes (in some way) that the OM does in fact increase his focus?

 

Tyrone - I am going to answer honestly, even though I know logically it's not right. I have been keeping a journal and there have been a few times that I've written that I WANT to end it, but am scared if I do, that he will easily accept it and move on. So on some level, I do want him to still want me. I know it's sick.

 

But when I think about the progression, if that were to occur, this is what I see:

 

For a few days, he leaves me alone. Then we end up in some sort of epic "talk", where I am at first cold, then mad, then he'll get mad, then sad...at which point I will feel sorry for him, and then blah blah blah. If he tells me that he wants the old us back, I might get pulled back in. But even now, I don't see it with the same eyes. I would be torn the whole time. And eventually, we would be right back in the same spot. Maybe in a worse spot (further discovery, etc). And I will have deceived my H even more.

 

So I am admitting that it's crossed my mind. But I am also saying that I do NOT want to get sucked back in. It is nothing but a dead end.

[OverIt75]

I'll add one more thing, even though I'm probably just embarrassing myself. But this is the strongest I have ever been. Normally I would have sent him another email in an effort to soften the blow. But I did not.

 

The advice and comments have really given me some resolve.

[fellini]

Truthfully, I'm not sure that any wayward really considers how it will end. We are not exactly showing our propensity for making long term, healthy decisions. I will say that in the very beginning, when he was pushing for this R and I was still resisting, I specifically told him there is NO good way for this to end. It will be bad one way or the other. Over the course of a few weeks, he chipped away at my resolve.

 

I would have never believed that I would have done this. I have been married for 15+ years, with my H for nearly 19. We have never strayed, and consider ourselves to be fortunate in our M. God, I am so disgusted with myself.

 

My WS all the way. Although she was probably less reluctant, she was more interested in the EA than the PA at first. Then he told her all he wanted were some "hook ups". Married 15+ years, 10 year old daughter, no strays, but in our case no volatile H ( :-) ). Dday occurred within 2 hours of him telling her he loved her, but was not precipitated by her by any means. I got curious about something I had found and asked her about it on that same day... 15 minutes before she was about to leave to go for dinner with him, and 2 hours after they had just finished having sex.

 

All I had to do, at any point, was to open her laptop and look at her emails, and I would have been curious about seeing all these emails from a guy she has no real academic connections with - they work in the same faculty but in totally different areas. Or if her cell had gone on the blink, I might have picked it up and decided to delete all her previous messages because she leaves 1000's on her phone and I would have looked at the last 20 or so to save. Everything was there for the year she was in an EA/AP LTR with this guy. The only reason I did not find it was pure luck and ZERO suspicion.

 

I can assure you though, that as a BS, the issues of the affair become less problematic than the doubt about her true desires for not having had the guts to "do the right thing" and end this before I inquired about something that I didn't understand. NO question that for me, as a BS, having to be the instigator to getting her to decide to end the A, write the NC, go NC, monitor NC and work through our sh-t all the while she continued to work in the same building was no PICNIC, and time will only tell if in the end I will remain with this woman. One thing was the stupidity of having an A, another is the stupid way of involving me in it in order to end it. NO H wants to think that there is any possibility that the A only ended because she got caught. No one wants to spend a years thinking they were plan B.

 

Now you are doing the right thing. And you have your reasons not to tell him about it. Ill suggest something that the LS community will say makes me completely nuts, but I don't live my life getting affirmation from a bunch of strangers, so here it is.

 

If you have decided NOT to tell your husband, and I mean that today, you are still thinking about it, but not for the short term plan, I recommend you sit down and write him a letter. In this letter you explain EXACTLY WHY you chose not to reveal the A to him, you tell him everything you know about the affair, the time line, you talk about having finally ended it, how that went,and everything else you are thinking.

 

You seal that letter and you mail it to yourself (at work or a sister, whatever if you think he will see it).

 

If for any reason he finds out, and you enter into a fundamental debate about your intentions, you can, as a LAST RESORT present him with the sealed letter. He needs to see the postage date stamp. You can use that letter at any point, even if you decide one day to tell him about the A in the longer term.

 

Of course you cannot write this letter if you still have feelings for, or doubts about your ability to go "NC" (Low contact more likely) with your boss.

Edited July 1, 2014 by fellini

[jackslife]

Have to disagree on telling H about the affair (and a lot of counsellors agree on this). However, you have to get a new job, you can't move on if you are seeing the AP every day.

 

My advice is end it with MM (obviously), change jobs and give yourself a cooling off period before throwing the confession handgrenade into the marriage. You may find yourself happy and reconnecting with hubby and putting all of this behind you, which you say is what you want.

 

On the other hand you might find that whatever marriage issues caused you to have the affair in the first place are still there and unresolved and given the chance you'd stray again.

 

A lot of WS's say the same thing. They've been together with spouse a long time, never thought they'd stray, have lovely children, perfect life etc. etc. But still they strayed, so why? Happily married, loving couples with great sex lives don't stray!

 

I'd give yourself a few weeks without AP, try and get out of the fog and start giving a serious thought to your marriage before the affair and try and ask yourself a few searching questions. A counsellor may help with this.

 

Good luck to you.

[road]

Ladydrib - you are absolutely right about needing to find a new job. I am scared to death about that part. I feel some sort of twisted loyalty to him...it is a VERY small company and I am an integral part. I would be leaving him in a pretty bad situation. However, logically I know that I can't worry about what it will do to him. My loyalty is misplaced - it needs to be redirected back to my M and family.

 

Honestly I feel like one of the reasons I've continued in the A is because of my job. I've known in my heart I would need to quit once we ended it; and that it seems just easier to continue in it if I'm going to stay. This is the primary reason I've felt so paralyzed.

 

 

 

The company was there before you. It runs when you are sick or on vacation. It will run when you are gone.

 

 

Dollars to doughnuts your Boss has done this with the person before you. Then he will do it with your replacement.

 

 

You must leave the job, go NC, and tell your BH. All in one day. Today.

[OverIt75]

If you have decided NOT to tell your husband, and I mean that today, you are still thinking about it, but not for the short term plan, I recommend you sit down and write him a letter. In this letter you explain EXACTLY WHY you chose not to reveal the A to him, you tell him everything you know about the affair, the time line, you talk about having finally ended it, how that went,and everything else you are thinking.

 

You seal that letter and you mail it to yourself (at work or a sister, whatever if you think he will see it).

 

If for any reason he finds out, and you enter into a fundamental debate about your intentions, you can, as a LAST RESORT present him with the sealed letter. He needs to see the postage date stamp. You can use that letter at any point, even if you decide one day to tell him about the A in the longer term.

 

Of course you cannot write this letter if you still have feelings for, or doubts about your ability to go "NC" (Low contact more likely) with your boss.

 

fellini - what a great idea. I will do this. It doesn't mean that I may not confess, nor of course does it mean that he won't find out on his own. But if that day comes, he will at least know that I ended it before he found out.

[OverIt75]

A lot of WS's say the same thing. They've been together with spouse a long time, never thought they'd stray, have lovely children, perfect life etc. etc. But still they strayed, so why? Happily married, loving couples with great sex lives don't stray!

 

I'd give yourself a few weeks without AP, try and get out of the fog and start giving a serious thought to your marriage before the affair and try and ask yourself a few searching questions. A counsellor may help with this.

 

Good luck to you.

 

I know this is common thought process, and I have believed that myself. Unfortunately, it is that belief that can make any of us susceptible to affairs. Have you ever read any of Dr. Willard Harley's books (Surviving an Affair, etc)? His theory is that we are ALL wired to have an affair, given the right conditions. If you spend a fair amount of time with another person, and your conversation becomes more intimate, AND you have opportunity - it is quite easy to find yourself in an A, even when you had no conscious complaints about your M. Being aware of this is going to help me maintain appropriate boundaries from now on.

 

I started seeing an IC myself about 6 weeks ago...she is helping.

 

You guys are probably even more of a help!!!

[Owl]

Be ready for some serious pressure from OM today especially. He's not going to be happy with your unilateral decision...especially if he's that "alpha male" that you've described.

 

How are you handling the emotional stress of all of this?

 

It's good you're reading SAA (Surviving an Affair)...it outlines a lot of the same reasoning about why you should tell your H about the affair. It was part of the base that my wife and I used for our own reconciliation.

 

Give some thought to the suggestion of "15 hours/week" that's listed in there too.

[fellini]

A lot of WS's say the same thing. They've been together with spouse a long time, never thought they'd stray, have lovely children, perfect life etc. etc. But still they strayed, so why? Happily married, loving couples with great sex lives don't stray!

 

I disagree with this last part. The thing is men and women who are in happy marriages with great sex lives do in fact stray. It's not always about the sex, and it's not necessarily because something is broken (or bent, have it your way Pink!) in the marriage.

 

Those are the affairs that would do well to get the affair over with, shut up, and get back in the marriage.

 

Nothing in my marriage needed to change for my WS to stay. Nothing I could have said or done other than to find out was going to ever bring her back.

 

She wanted affirmation, compliments, passion, mystery from another man. Plain and simple. It was an affair that had nothing to do with how things were going back home. It was personal.

 

This thing called loving is like the slippery slope of "getting my needs met". You cannot receive love, you must give it. And if you meet someone who suddenly becomes the recipient of your desire, it doesn't take long before you begin to literally "transfer" your "needs" from your primary relationship onto your AP. And at some point the WS looks back at the marriage and sees justification in having an affair because the marriage now resembles a skeleton. But what they don't take into account is that they were the vampire that sucked the blood little by little out of it and gave it to another victim.

Edited July 1, 2014 by fellini

[OverIt75]

Be ready for some serious pressure from OM today especially. He's not going to be happy with your unilateral decision...especially if he's that "alpha male" that you've described.

 

How are you handling the emotional stress of all of this?

 

It's good you're reading SAA (Surviving an Affair)...it outlines a lot of the same reasoning about why you should tell your H about the affair. It was part of the base that my wife and I used for our own reconciliation.

 

Give some thought to the suggestion of "15 hours/week" that's listed in there too.

 

I am at work now and doing pretty good, though heart is beating a little fast.

 

We've said good morning, that's it. I don't know if I'll get the full court press today, but I imagine it will come at some point.

 

I know that SAA recommends some things I am not currently doing - particularly full exposure and confession to my H. I do think those things would certainly ensure the A is totally squashed. I am not ready yet, but may get to that point.

[Owl]

I am at work now and doing pretty good, though heart is beating a little fast.

 

We've said good morning, that's it. I don't know if I'll get the full court press today, but I imagine it will come at some point.

 

I know that SAA recommends some things I am not currently doing - particularly full exposure and confession to my H. I do think those things would certainly ensure the A is totally squashed. I am not ready yet, but may get to that point.

 

Your observation about full exposure does raise another question...one you may have already answered and I've missed...is your boss/OM married as well?

 

From MY perspective...the primary purpose of exposure is to end the affair. I don't think that there'd be a need for you to reveal everything to your friends/family/etc... if you're already ending the affair. I DO think that both spouses need to be aware of the affair...so the only additional 'exposure' this would need on your part is to your husband, and to his wife if need be.