I Want My Dignity Back

[Appreciate]

You have low self-esteem and zero respect for your husband as a man.

 

You've allowed yourself to become a plaything for a man who obviously knows he has some control over you. How do you think your H will respond to that? That you submitted to another man? He will never see you in the same light again, and you will never see him in the same light again. You betrayed him for attention and orgasms with someone in an authority position.

 

I'm sorry, but your marriage is over. Probably the best thing you can do to make it up to your husband is to give him what he asks for in the divorce.

 

Ask yourself this: if your A was discovered, and your H exposed your affair to your boss's wife, who would you protect? You, your boss, or your H? If you were remorseful and seeking reconciliation, you'd let your H do what he needed to do to feel safe.

[aliveagain]

Lying and cheating is what got you here, continuing to lie and cheat is not going to save your a$$ because you still need to live with yourself(unless this new version of yourself is more than ok with who you have become)? How is keeping this from your husband going to get your dignity back? Burying your head in the sand isn't going to make the last 8 months go away. Asking your husband for an open marriage will probably finish what your infidelity started, just my opinion. It's time you start making good choices again, stopping other man from using you as his play thing is a good choice. Getting rid of one of the men in your life is another.

 

You did this to your marriage and your going to have to take the lead and fix it. I just don't see this going well for you as long as you continue to be dishonest. Do you like the person you've become, will your husband? You don't have a lot of time to make things right because his wife knows of his infidelity, she will learn your identity in time. The actions you take next will affect how your husband views you after discovery.

[Jonah]

Sooo...I'm new here and not meaning to be rude OR gullible. But I'm trying to figure out - are you for real??

 

Going with the flow of the post I quoted in which you are clearly not "Over it", and the assumption that you are going to continue close proximity with this person who also seems to not be "over it"... what do you think is going to happen?

[Jonah]

I'm am against informing the BS when the WS has real legs to stand on. In this case I think that the WS is in a precarious position thus needs her spouses assistance. It would be one heck of a test for the guy. Tell or quit your job... or just continue the affair. Reading the thread, it seems that you are really thriving from the drama... that it makes you feel so alive. You won't be able to let that go. Not working there anyway. If he want's you he will have you.

 

Tell. That would change your whole world around and your cup will runeth over with drama so much so that you won't want another drop.

[Jonah]

But it mostly feels like we are just good friends now.

 

The other consideration is my children...I want them to feel safe and secure and loved.

 

 

To be good friends with you spouse... such a blessing! not everyone has that you know. Children that feel safe and secure... same thing.

 

Not saying that you made an error or anything, just saying that it is good to appreciate the beauty in your life.

 

Humans, we are thus. It is good to be alive, to learn from our experiences so we can grow. Drop the drama, enjoy your blessings, go easy on yourself.

[twosadthings]

So it's not your dignity you want back, it's the ability to not feel guilty about your behavior that you would like to have.

 

I think you're on the wrong site. There are a number of sites that will give you a shoulder to cry on or even cheer you on as you destroy those who love you.

 

You don't have to believe in God to make the right, smart and good choice.

 

Just sayin',

 

Twosadthings

[OverIt75]

So it's not your dignity you want back, it's the ability to not feel guilty about your behavior that you would like to have.

 

I think you're on the wrong site. There are a number of sites that will give you a shoulder to cry on or even cheer you on as you destroy those who love you.

 

You don't have to believe in God to make the right, smart and good choice.

 

Just sayin',

 

Twosadthings

 

Wasn't asking for a shoulder to cry on. Just thought I found a place that would provide advice and allow me to speak the truth, even when it's not pretty.

 

My bad.

[harrybrown]

I was really cheering for you and your H at the first part of your posting.

 

Hope you find a good solution to your situation.

 

You will not find it if you continue. You do need to decide to go for your H or for the OM, but it will not work out for both.

 

How would you feel if the situation was reversed? Wouldn't you want the person you want to decide to be with you and not keep you in limbo?

 

It seems like your counselor had something to share with you. Didn't your counselor say something about asking your H for an open M? It would not work for me, but it does now sound like you want to continue the open M?

 

If you can't give up the OM, wouldn't that be the fair thing to do for your H, to ask for an open M?

 

It would not work for me, and it has not worked for my friend. They are now divorced.

 

I was just listening to your counselor, that knows more about the situation than several of us on this forum.

 

good luck on whatever you choose, but I do think you need to make a choice and stick with it.

[Star2880]

And yes, it is very out of character for me. I've been married for 15 years and have never done this before. Sure, there are some irritations in my marriage, but nothing major. In fact, I've even told my AP that my marriage was good until this. I've never spoken negatively of my BH to my AP. It is truly as if I dropped some boundaries, and all of a sudden, found myself in a situation I never intended, that has been extremely difficult to get out of. I look back on how I got here and am flabbergasted. I don't even know myself any more.

 

I know exactly what you are going through. I was in totally the same situation - he wasn't my boss but a work colleague. The pain you are going through is unbearable some days, you don't understand why you have continual internal battles with your self. I too became a very subservient women in the affair which I would never be in my marriage. I could never understand why his GF/now wife was so different to me and why he would be with a girl so subservient until my counsellor pointed out that, he manipulates his women from strong to weak within the relationship. He might not know he is doing it but it's natural to him!

 

Then my counsellor described the Senario to me very matter of fact - you are depressed because - what you want in your heart is not what head has been conditioned to think is right! I thought about this a lot. I told my AP and he said it was exactly how he felt too! He sounds very like your AP. Hot, cold when he couldn't emotionally deal with it, neither of us could. Says he loves me and wants to be with me but as soon as he had 'finished' - total rejection. He would even apologise or cry as he knew he was rejecting me but could stop himself!

If you feel you love him or would be devastated to never speak to him again you should end it before it all comes crashing down! NC ever is heart wrenching!

I wish we had ended it properly to give ourselves time, but in truth, I am the one left still loving a man that does not love me and my poor husband wants to try and get our family back on track... But I feel like I am emotionally broken and can't move forward with him. We have been separated since the AP's wife found out and I decided to tell my husband.

Good luck with your decisions. Always hear to chat. Such similar stories but you are braver than I and are making a clear decision to end it.

[OverIt75]

I was really cheering for you and your H at the first part of your posting.

 

Hope you find a good solution to your situation.

 

You will not find it if you continue. You do need to decide to go for your H or for the OM, but it will not work out for both.

 

How would you feel if the situation was reversed? Wouldn't you want the person you want to decide to be with you and not keep you in limbo?

 

It seems like your counselor had something to share with you. Didn't your counselor say something about asking your H for an open M? It would not work for me, but it does now sound like you want to continue the open M?

 

If you can't give up the OM, wouldn't that be the fair thing to do for your H, to ask for an open M?

 

It would not work for me, and it has not worked for my friend. They are now divorced.

 

I was just listening to your counselor, that knows more about the situation than several of us on this forum.

 

good luck on whatever you choose, but I do think you need to make a choice and stick with it.

 

Thank you, I know logically you are right. My IC also said, what I want is not what I need; and what I need, I don't want.

 

I don't think she really believes I need an open M. She is being very nonjudgmental with me, walking me through everything.

 

I know it sounds crazy, all of it. I do love my H. I wish I'd never gotten myself into this to begin with. It's a deep hole.

[OverIt75]

I know exactly what you are going through. I was in totally the same situation - he wasn't my boss but a work colleague. The pain you are going through is unbearable some days, you don't understand why you have continual internal battles with your self. I too became a very subservient women in the affair which I would never be in my marriage. I could never understand why his GF/now wife was so different to me and why he would be with a girl so subservient until my counsellor pointed out that, he manipulates his women from strong to weak within the relationship. He might not know he is doing it but it's natural to him!

 

Then my counsellor described the Senario to me very matter of fact - you are depressed because - what you want in your heart is not what head has been conditioned to think is right! I thought about this a lot. I told my AP and he said it was exactly how he felt too! He sounds very like your AP. Hot, cold when he couldn't emotionally deal with it, neither of us could. Says he loves me and wants to be with me but as soon as he had 'finished' - total rejection. He would even apologise or cry as he knew he was rejecting me but could stop himself!

If you feel you love him or would be devastated to never speak to him again you should end it before it all comes crashing down! NC ever is heart wrenching!

I wish we had ended it properly to give ourselves time, but in truth, I am the one left still loving a man that does not love me and my poor husband wants to try and get our family back on track... But I feel like I am emotionally broken and can't move forward with him. We have been separated since the AP's wife found out and I decided to tell my husband.

Good luck with your decisions. Always hear to chat. Such similar stories but you are braver than I and are making a clear decision to end it.

 

Star, thank you for sharing your story! I don't know about brave...I am trying. It is truly a daily...sometimes hourly decision.

 

I wish you the best as you get through this difficult time!

[Star2880]

Star, thank you for sharing your story! I don't know about brave...I am trying. It is truly a daily...sometimes hourly decision.

 

I wish you the best as you get through this difficult time!

 

I totally get that hourly decision thing! Oh it's so painful. I am glad you are also seeing a counsellor. Mine helped me immensly. I think you need to sit down with both your husband and AP, talk not necessarily about the A but other things that may have led you to the A.

Someone on this forum in the OW section posted a great step to help clear your mind about answering 5 questions about your AP and the way they make you feel or treat you. Massive eye opener! Will try and find it again and post it here.

[aliveagain]

And yes, it is very out of character for me. I've been married for 15 years and have never done this before. Sure, there are some irritations in my marriage, but nothing major. In fact, I've even told my AP that my marriage was good until this.

 

 

What made you choose to take a good marriage and turn it into this?

 

 

 

 

I've never spoken negatively of my BH to my AP.

 

 

You don't have to speak negatively about your husband, your actions are more than enough, I don't think you could disrespect him more than you are. Your affair partner isn't capable of understanding this, he is on a level so far below that of your husband.

 

 

 

 

It is truly as if I dropped some boundaries, and all of a sudden, found myself in a situation I never intended, that has been extremely difficult to get out of.

 

 

 

 

You find it difficult to get out of because you really don't want to get out of it or you would because you risked your whole world for it.

 

 

 

 

I look back on how I got here and am flabbergasted.

 

 

 

 

How flabbergasted do you think your husband will be specially when he learns of the depth of your betrayal, the length of time it has lasted and the fact that you continue it even after he was busted by his wife.

 

 

 

 

I don't even know myself any more.[/QUOTE]

 

 

Yes, you have changed and everything important around you is affected.

[jackslife]

I was talking to my IC last night he was pointing out the similarities between my affair and my Fathers gambling.

 

He pointed out that every time I slept with, texted, emailed, spoke to my AP I was rolling the dice and my stake was my marriage, my relationship with my son, the whole shebang. He said that so far the dice has rolled in my favour, but one day what if the dice rolled the other way and my wife found out?

 

I'd lose everything I staked for that text or shag or email, and my IC asked me - "Is it worth it?"

[Just a Guy]

My father was a Scout Master eons ago and I remember him telling us a story of his days with his boys when he wanted to drive home a point. There was an Armenian boy in the troop and when the scouts were out on camp this boy would not lift a little finger to help around the camp mess or anywhere else. Because of this he was ostracized by the rest of the boys and found himself usually on his own and feeling lonely. One day he came to my father and told him excitedly " Sir, Sir do you know I have discovered a very important thing!" My father asked him what it was and he said "Sir I have found that if you want to something you will can" ( Of course his English was not very good but his sentiments were).

 

I guess the moral of the story is that if you want to really change things then you have to do something about it rather than just wishing that something will happen of it's own accord as if by magic.

 

You have disrespected your husband in the worst possible way and like Brutus have stabbed him, who should be your best friend, in the back. You have let down your children and by rights have lost the Right to look them in the eye and say you love them. You continue to vacillate and yet say you want to get your dignity back. You have to come back to the World of reality. Best of luck!

[road]

The company was there before you. It runs when you are sick or on vacation. It will run when you are gone.

 

 

Dollars to doughnuts your Boss has done this with the person before you. Then he will do it with your replacement.

 

 

You must leave the job, go NC, and tell your BH. All in one day. Today.

 

 

 

A lot of posts since this one.

 

 

You just ignore the truth.

 

 

You must go NC with the OM.

 

 

You must tell your BH.

 

 

This is the only way to extract yourself. The only way to repair the damage you are doing.

[bosunmate]

Star, thank you for sharing your story! I don't know about brave...I am trying. It is truly a daily...sometimes hourly decision.

 

I wish you the best as you get through this difficult time!

 

 

 

I don't think you are brave, I think you are a coward who doesn't deserve the husband you have. I feel so sorry for him. I really hope someone enlightens him.

The more of your posts I read the more I realize you are a cake eater through and through. And you are not going to change any time soon. I really hope the man's wife outs you for what you are. Enjoy the fog because it will clear and all hell will break out. Too bad the kids will suffer the fallout, they always do.

Edited July 4, 2014 by bosunmate

[DKT3]

I don't think you are brave, I think you are a coward who doesn't deserve the husband you have. I feel so sorry for him. I really hope someone enlightens him.

The more of your posts I read the more I realize you are a cake eater through and through. And you are not going to change any time soon. I really hope the man's wife outs you for what you are. Enjoy the fog because it will clear and all hell will break out. Too bad the kids will suffer the fallout, they always do.

 

Bosunmate, while your points may be valid I don't think our goal is to chase people away. She knows that what she is doing is wrong or else she wouldn't be here looking for help. Its easy for us to see what she has or is setting herself for, its not so clear when your in the mix. Most of us have been touched by infidelity in one form or another and going through it is hard for all sides. Coming out on the other end gives us an insight that those in the middle don't have.

 

Let's coach her through this, not beat her over the head with how wrong it is. She already knows its wrong.

Edited July 4, 2014 by DKT3

[bosunmate]

Bosunmate, while your points may be valid I don't think our goal is to chase people away. She knows that what she is doing is wrong or else she wouldn't be here looking for help. Its easy for us to see what she has or is setting herself for, its not so clear when your in the mix. Most of us have been touched by infidelity in one form or another and going through it is hard for all sides. Coming out on the other end gives us an insight that those in the middle don't have.

 

Let's coach her through this, not beat her over the head with how wrong it is. She already knows its wrong.

 

 

 

You are right, my bad. But I stand by what I said, cake eater all the way.

[italianjob]

What is really disturbing about this affair is that the OP still finds it hard to end it when it's been made quite clear by the OM that she's just a convenient way to have some extra sex when he feels like it.

She's jeopardizing her role as a wife and a mother to be a "booty call" for the AP. I guess her choice of title for this thread wasn't casual.

I see a huge problem with self esteem here.

[OverIt75]

Bosunmate, while your points may be valid I don't think our goal is to chase people away. She knows that what she is doing is wrong or else she wouldn't be here looking for help. Its easy for us to see what she has or is setting herself for, its not so clear when your in the mix. Most of us have been touched by infidelity in one form or another and going through it is hard for all sides. Coming out on the other end gives us an insight that those in the middle don't have.

 

Let's coach her through this, not beat her over the head with how wrong it is. She already knows its wrong.

 

Thank you DKT3.

 

All - it seems as if you haven't read all of my thread. I told him I was done on Mon night. Since then, I have been walking my way through this. It is very very difficult - that's just the reality. I still want to do the right thing though, which is why I am here. Instead many of you are name-calling and making fun of the title of my thread. Geez. This is already hard enough. I am simply expressing my thoughts, all the while hanging onto my decision. Are my thoughts supposed to change on a dime? And if they don't, should I come here and just pretend?? It seems this would be a useless forum if so. I have already been living a lie for 7 months too long.

[bosunmate]

Thank you DKT3.

 

All - it seems as if you haven't read all of my thread. I told him I was done on Mon night. Since then, I have been walking my way through this. It is very very difficult - that's just the reality. I still want to do the right thing though, which is why I am here. Instead many of you are name-calling and making fun of the title of my thread. Geez. This is already hard enough. I am simply expressing my thoughts, all the while hanging onto my decision. Are my thoughts supposed to change on a dime? And if they don't, should I come here and just pretend?? It seems this would be a useless forum if so. I have already been living a lie for 7 months too long.

 

 

 

 

 

So sorry your feelings have been hurt, poor you, imagine how your hubby is going to feel when he finds out the truth about you. You are in the wrong forum if your looking for sympathy. Try being honest and tell you husband who he is married to, he deserves the truth. So if your sick of living the lie for 7 months then confess. Let your husband decide if your worth keeping and if he wants to continue in the marriage you have some heavy lifting to do. But I believe it feeds your ego to have two men in your life, even if the other man is just using you for some extra fun. You have to know by now most men are pigs, and if you wallow in the mud with them they will play...Good Luck but ask yourself this " would I like it if my hubby was doing this to me."..

[OverIt75]

So sorry your feelings have been hurt, poor you, imagine how your hubby is going to feel when he finds out the truth about you. You are in the wrong forum if your looking for sympathy. Try being honest and tell you husband who he is married to, he deserves the truth. So if your sick of living the lie for 7 months then confess. Let your husband decide if your worth keeping and if he wants to continue in the marriage you have some heavy lifting to do. But I believe it feeds your ego to have two men in your life, even if the other man is just using you for some extra fun. You have to know by now most men are pigs, and if you wallow in the mud with them they will play...Good Luck but ask yourself this " would I like it if my hubby was doing this to me."..

 

Your sarcasm is not helpful.

 

I actually started this thread in the TOW section, but it was moved here. Unfortunately.

[Hope Shimmers]

Your sarcasm is not helpful.

 

I actually started this thread in the TOW section, but it was moved here. Unfortunately.

 

It doesn't really matter where it's posted - anyone can (and does) post to any thread no matter where it is.

 

Not everyone is interested in pounding you down so you have to take what works and ignore what doesn't. I'm glad you are on the path toward getting out of this.

 

As DKT3 said, it's not always clear until you pass through to the other side. When you do, you will wonder what on earth you were ever thinking and why it was so hard to get yourself out of this situation. Kudos for making progress in that direction though!

[OverIt75]

It doesn't really matter where it's posted - anyone can (and does) post to any thread no matter where it is.

 

Not everyone is interested in pounding you down so you have to take what works and ignore what doesn't. I'm glad you are on the path toward getting out of this.

 

As DKT3 said, it's not always clear until you pass through to the other side. When you do, you will wonder what on earth you were ever thinking and why it was so hard to get yourself out of this situation. Kudos for making progress in that direction though!

 

Thank you for this!

 

I am hanging in because I know that I'm not seeing clearly yet. With the hope that as I do the next right thing, I will.