I Want My Dignity Back

[2sunny]

Thank you for this!

 

I am hanging in because I know that I'm not seeing clearly yet. With the hope that as I do the next right thing, I will.

 

Hope doesn't happen all of a sudden.

 

When YOU take the ACTION to CHANGE things = that's when you will understand hope a bit more clearly.

 

As long as things stay the same - there won't be any hope that things may get better.

 

 

Are you still at the job? That's something you CAN change. Are you willing?

[Prodidwmi]

I have read through the whole thread and feel compelled to write my first response. Please, for your husband and children's sake, get tested for STDs.

 

My wayward wife thought her affair partner was "clean". After all, she trusted him. He said he had a blood test as part of work...

 

Long story short, we have both had surgeries (her on her uterus and me on the testicles) for complications from a symptomatic STD (most likely chlamydia). Oh, and are both now positive for genetal herpes...yay!

 

I honestly am lucky in some ways. My urologist insisted on treating my condition the way he did. I was insistent he was crazy...that an STD wasn't even a remote possibility. And amazingly my wife never muttered a word.

 

I pray our youngest son didn't pick up herpes. Genetal herpes can be caught orally...and we have all shared drinks a lot as he was growing up. Plus, for a period before we caught it, he would shower right after me and use my louffa (since it was already soapy). Ugh, it literally sickens me to think about.

 

So, get tested!!!

[Noproblem]

Just say no.

and it will be over.

[Trimmer]

I know I'm responding to a couple of old points, but I think they're still pertinent, and may still factor into the OP's thought process and path forward:

This is hard...I just don't know if she can find out. We don't communicate via text, etc anymore since D Day. We have emailed some, but they are work emails. Mostly it is in person communication only. We don't go out in public together, unless it's for work. We have been inside four walls.

 

Of course you could be one of those rare cases where the BS never finds out but it seems unlikely. You OM wife can find out who you are from so many different sources. A old email that didn't really get erased, or a old text, phone bills that show an abnormal amount of calls or text, maybe your OM was dumb and told somebody, or people in your office suspect something, and so on.

Much of your thought process to NOT tell your husband must be predicated on the assumption that he would never find out, yes? I think it's a safe summary to say virtually everyone in here agrees that if you don't tell him and he eventually finds out, then this is the absolute worst possible scenario (and even fellini's postmarked 'letter of intent' is only a tiny barrier against that raging, devastating hurricane.)

 

And we assume that in order for your husband not to find out, we must assume that your OM's wife must not find out, because once she finds out, it's - not a guarantee - but still a pretty reasonable chance that she will eventually seek out your husband.

 

Given that you have reason to believe she already knows that her husband is in an affair, you have to ask yourself, what would she be doing? Would she just sit back and accept this incomplete information and push no further forward? Would she likely accept his word that it's all over and put it to rest and never give it another thought? These are possible, but I think unlikely.

 

More likely, what she is doing is combing through everything she knows about him, and every memory and feeling and perception she's gotten from him in the past months, and is making a list in her head of everyone he might have contact with, and putting it in order of probability as she perceives it. Whether this is based on solid, logical evidence doesn't matter: she's got this list in her head.

 

You are his #2 at work, sharing the business and the power structure, such as it is. You are somewhere on her list.

 

He has certainly spoken of you (before the affair, before there was anything to hide), probaby favorably as an employee, etc... Perhaps all of you have been together at company or social function, and she's had a chance to see the two of you interact. She has - even if unconsciously - made a mental impression of a relationship between the two of you. At some point, he started to hide things, but up to that point, he was still impressed with you as a person and an employee, and she will have perceived this.

 

So whether she has solid, logical evidence or not, you are on her list, and I doubt you are very far down from the top, if at all.

 

Also, the more he stonewalls her - which he must be doing if she knows he's having an affair, but he won't tell her with whom - the more it will eat at her, and the more potential there will be for her to go on mental flights of fancy and put together imagined scenarios. Even if she doesn't know for sure, what would it do if your husband got a call from her, saying "I know my husband is having an affair, and I know this sounds crazy, but do you think it could be your wife?"

 

Has your husband maybe been noticing some subtle differences in how things have been between you? Might this put some things into perspective for him? Help him notice things which were just below his perception before? What would happen in your heart if he looked you in the eye and brought this up? What if you had only an instant to decide whether to outright fabricate lies and tell them to his face, or come clean? Which would you do? Which could you do? And if you decided in that instant to deny, deny, deny, and keep it a secret - now and forever - could you do it all with Meryl Streep Oscar-winning acting, cool as a cucumber, or would it break you down? Would he eventually wonder why you're locked in the bathroom, with the sounds of quiet sobs coming under the door?

 

I tend to believe that disclosure is important, partly because hiding - given your particular situation - seems like it brings a lot of significant risks. You have already damaged your marriage; the question is now whether you will try to forge forward secretly, all on your own (which I believe ends up cementing much of that damage in place), or to disclose and take the chance that your husband will be willing to work with you to try to repair things together. I acknowledge that there are no guarantees either way, I don't presume to predict the outcome either way, and ultimately, that it's your choice to make.

 

I just think you should be realistic about the likelihood that you are already pretty clearly on the wife's radar (and maybe even slightly, subconsciously, on your husband's) because if you are basing the future of your marriage on a confident assessment that your affair will never be revealed, this assessment needs to be a coldly practical and reality-based worst-case assesment.

 

Don't fool yourself with loophole thinking like "it's possible she doesn't know it's me". Given that it's probable that you are at least a suspect - and possible that you are her prime suspect - do you think that 'maybe she doesn't know' reasoning is solid enough to roll the dice, with your entire marriage at stake?

 

Yes, he told me. And yes, he was very very worried. We buttoned up/got rid of those potential holes, and tried not to create any new ones.

Again, realize that she has been maintaining her list of possibilities; honestly, where do you think you probably are on that list?

Edited July 5, 2014 by Trimmer

[Leelou]

It's also quite possible that your ex OM dropped his former long term affair partner for you (as you said) in the exact same manner --> by convincing his AP that his wife had put a PI on him, and found out about their affair!

Then, after a few months of enjoying you, he cools off you, and feeds you the same story (about his wife finding out about him cheating)... my guess is that he went back to his long-term affair partner (who he had "put on the shelf", while he tended to you!), and enjoyed you when he wanted extra sex.

 

That's a real possibility.

 

Serial cheaters like falling on excuses and lies that have worked for them before.

 

Now that you've cut him off, he will make it his mission to win you back.

 

Temporarily, you understand... he will win you back and then cool off, just mouthing the fake words, "But I love you..." when he needs some extra power to reel you back in.

 

See if the ex is back in the picture. I'm betting she is.

 

And hopefully a good reason to make you stay away from him for good.

[Oberfeldwebel]

What your boss is doing is taking advantage of his position, which is in fact illegal. There is nothing good in what he is doing, which is taking advantage of a subordinate. You need to take this jerk down off of the pedestal that he is on right now.

 

I believe that most relationships can be saved, if both parties work to solve the problems. Yours can not be fixed, because your husband does not even know there is a problem. You continue to hold power over the relationship, because you want to cover your a$$. There is nothing in your current behavior that shows love to your husband. You may like him, have concern for his well being and even respect his parenting skills, but you have yet in this post to speak like a woman that loves her husband like a wife should love her husband.

 

Fixing your marriage must start with honesty, not only with your husband but also to yourself. I know this post may seem harsh, but until you are completely honest, the rest of this is just marking time. You still have the affair behind glass, where you can break in an emergency and your husband is still being treated like a second class citizen in this marriage. I am not under the illusion that it will be easy, far from it, but good news does not get better with age. Time to put your big girl pants on and get to work.

[OverIt75]

I know I'm responding to a couple of old points, but I think they're still pertinent, and may still factor into the OP's thought process and path forward:

 

 

 

Much of your thought process to NOT tell your husband must be predicated on the assumption that he would never find out, yes? I think it's a safe summary to say virtually everyone in here agrees that if you don't tell him and he eventually finds out, then this is the absolute worst possible scenario (and even fellini's postmarked 'letter of intent' is only a tiny barrier against that raging, devastating hurricane.)

 

And we assume that in order for your husband not to find out, we must assume that your OM's wife must not find out, because once she finds out, it's - not a guarantee - but still a pretty reasonable chance that she will eventually seek out your husband.

 

Given that you have reason to believe she already knows that her husband is in an affair, you have to ask yourself, what would she be doing? Would she just sit back and accept this incomplete information and push no further forward? Would she likely accept his word that it's all over and put it to rest and never give it another thought? These are possible, but I think unlikely.

 

More likely, what she is doing is combing through everything she knows about him, and every memory and feeling and perception she's gotten from him in the past months, and is making a list in her head of everyone he might have contact with, and putting it in order of probability as she perceives it. Whether this is based on solid, logical evidence doesn't matter: she's got this list in her head.

 

You are his #2 at work, sharing the business and the power structure, such as it is. You are somewhere on her list.

 

.....

 

Again, realize that she has been maintaining her list of possibilities; honestly, where do you think you probably are on that list?

 

Trimmer - I really do appreciate you taking the time to write this out. Yes, by not confessing, I am hedging my bets, hoping against hope that my H will never know. If I knew that he would find out, I would tell him ASAP. I guess right now, I am trying to decide which path is the bigger risk.

 

I know I was on the list of suspects, especially in the beginning. I've said before that I am really surprised she hasn't figured it out fully. There is a complicating factor here though, in that she may recognize that me quitting could be detrimental to the business and thus their finances. Certainly everyone is replaceable, but it would be an issue. I shouldn't go into more details on this forum. Believe me, I am not counting on this as some sort of 'protection', nor trying to use it to benefit me. I am just speculating that could have something to do with her not knowing, or not wanting to know.

 

I have already made the decision that, if my H seriously asks me or confronts me, I will tell the truth. And I will tell of all it, no TT.

 

I wish I could turn back time, and never have gotten myself into this mess. It seems much harder to get out of than to fall into. I know many of you are saying, if you really loved your H you would, or just say no. I AM saying no. However I have not quit my job yet. I believe that my quitting will go hand in hand with confessing. And since I haven't decided to confess yet, I don't know how to explain me quitting. It's such a tangled web.

[Spectre]

Okay so merely saying you will tell your H if he seriously asks you isn't enough, because why are you giving yourself a lying loophole? Seriously, just tell him. He has every right to know so he can stop wasting his life. You continue to not only deceive, but to work with this trash of another man..all behind the husbands back. The longer you wait..the worse it will be when things do come out(and they will).

 

I'm not going to sit here and say you don't love your husband because if you did you would of never strayed. Maybe there was a time I would of said that, but not now. I will simply say: if you love your husband before this weekend is over he will know the truth. So, that is not me being rude or disrespectful or telling anyone how they feel, I am not violating any rules of this site. Your own decisions can dictate now what you really feel, so it is up to you. All can do is sit back and see what actions you take and judge what those actions mean.

 

I will give you the benefit of the doubt and assume somehow, somewhere, you do love this guy. So please prove me right, tell him this weekend. The ball is in your court, your own actions will tell us whether or not to believe what you say. Since the fact is you can't turn back time, but you can do the next back thing: you can stop stealing someone elses time.

[bosunmate]

Trimmer - I really do appreciate you taking the time to write this out. Yes, by not confessing, I am hedging my bets, hoping against hope that my H will never know. If I knew that he would find out, I would tell him ASAP. I guess right now, I am trying to decide which path is the bigger risk.

 

I know I was on the list of suspects, especially in the beginning. I've said before that I am really surprised she hasn't figured it out fully. There is a complicating factor here though, in that she may recognize that me quitting could be detrimental to the business and thus their finances. Certainly everyone is replaceable, but it would be an issue. I shouldn't go into more details on this forum. Believe me, I am not counting on this as some sort of 'protection', nor trying to use it to benefit me. I am just speculating that could have something to do with her not knowing, or not wanting to know.

 

I have already made the decision that, if my H seriously asks me or confronts me, I will tell the truth. And I will tell of all it, no TT.

 

I wish I could turn back time, and never have gotten myself into this mess. It seems much harder to get out of than to fall into. I know many of you are saying, if you really loved your H you would, or just say no. I AM saying no. However I have not quit my job yet. I believe that my quitting will go hand in hand with confessing. And since I haven't decided to confess yet, I don't know how to explain me quitting. It's such a tangled web.

 

 

 

 

 

What everyone has been trying to tell you for thirteen pages is that if your hubby finds out from someone else other than you, that you have devalued him and put him second in your heart, things will be so much harder than if you tell him first. Everyone here has been thru the storm that is coming your way. Its not fun and it for sure is not easy and letting him find out the girl he loves has been betraying him for all these months it will put him in a very bad place. If you view the stats you will see that your chances of saving your marriage and keeping him go down if he hears it from someone else. It is also arrogant of you to believe that the wife will over look things because the business needs you. Do you really thing she will turn a blind eye because your quitting would affect their finances. I don't mean to be hard on you, but you really have not realized what you have put into play with your actions. I called you a cake eater yesterday and it offended you, I'm sorry to do that but it really seems like you want to keep the status quo the way it is. I wish you luck because you are heading down a slippery slope....

[DKT3]

Trimmer - I really do appreciate you taking the time to write this out. Yes, by not confessing, I am hedging my bets, hoping against hope that my H will never know. If I knew that he would find out, I would tell him ASAP. I guess right now, I am trying to decide which path is the bigger risk.

 

I know I was on the list of suspects, especially in the beginning. I've said before that I am really surprised she hasn't figured it out fully. There is a complicating factor here though, in that she may recognize that me quitting could be detrimental to the business and thus their finances. Certainly everyone is replaceable, but it would be an issue. I shouldn't go into more details on this forum. Believe me, I am not counting on this as some sort of 'protection', nor trying to use it to benefit me. I am just speculating that could have something to do with her not knowing, or not wanting to know.

 

I have already made the decision that, if my H seriously asks me or confronts me, I will tell the truth. And I will tell of all it, no TT.

 

I wish I could turn back time, and never have gotten myself into this mess. It seems much harder to get out of than to fall into. I know many of you are saying, if you really loved your H you would, or just say no. I AM saying no. However I have not quit my job yet. I believe that my quitting will go hand in hand with confessing. And since I haven't decided to confess yet, I don't know how to explain me quitting. It's such a tangled web.

 

More excuses. It really is far more simple then your making this. Either you love your husband and you want to save your marriage above all else or you don't and you need to let him go.

 

Again its hard because you want both, and you will continue to try to have both. This "NO" you claim to have told him is a soft no, no to being his once in a while booty call.

 

I don't believe for a second you would confess if asked, if it were that simple you would have told already

 

I know you will avoid this as you have before, but don't you think he deserves to know what kind of woman he is married to? Wouldn't you want to know if he was making a fool of you with someone behind your back. Wouldn't you want to know if another woman had as much say in the future of your marriage as you do? Wouldn't you want to know that he was risking your life via STD? Wouldn't you want to know?

Edited July 5, 2014 by DKT3

[aliveagain]

The only thing I will say is, he's been caught and at some point his wife is going to give him the ultimate test of his loyalty and demand to know who you are or ask him to leave. She will need to know that he choose's her over you, it will happen, your days are numbered. You will not fair as well if she contacts your husband and gives him the truth, What are the chances O/M will continue to choose to protect you over loosing his wife and children, house?

 

You really need to think this through because everything you have is on the line. What is more important to you, your relationship with other man or the family you have with your husband? The answer should come easy. Your affair partner will have to make that very same decision when his wife asks for your identity. What I am writing you is not being written to scare you but to give you the truth of your reality and if you don't prepare yourself for it's probability than your still living in a fantasy.

 

 

This was my first post to you, I did my best to get across the fact that your affair partner was busted and he will have to choose shortly, expose you and save his marriage or go for divorce. If he is even a little bit successful he will choose to save his marriage because divorcing his wife will leave cost him a fortune. Most serial cheaters are in it for the hunt, notches on the belt, a new bit of strange, they never intend to leave their wife. When busted and have to make a decision that involves a major financial change, they almost always throw you under the bus.

 

You should be prepared for this very scenario, your days are numbered. I am not trying to bash you but merely pointing out the inevitable. He will be made to choose and that day is not very far away. You will not fare as well when his wife contacts your husband. You are not his first rodeo and if you have been having unprotected sex with him, you and your husband are at risk. Anyone can have an affair, it takes a special person that can honour their spouse by protecting them from sleazy predators when they are not there to do it themselves. It is so easy to have an affair but it may take you the rest of your life to get over the damage you cause the people you love.

[italianjob]

Thank you DKT3.

 

All - it seems as if you haven't read all of my thread. I told him I was done on Mon night. Since then, I have been walking my way through this. It is very very difficult - that's just the reality. I still want to do the right thing though, which is why I am here. Instead many of you are name-calling and making fun of the title of my thread. Geez. This is already hard enough. I am simply expressing my thoughts, all the while hanging onto my decision. Are my thoughts supposed to change on a dime? And if they don't, should I come here and just pretend?? It seems this would be a useless forum if so. I have already been living a lie for 7 months too long.

 

Fact is, it shouldn't be difficult at all. The way you've been telling your story it is quite clear and I see it's quite obvious to yourself, that, for your AP, this affair was never about "love" or even feelings, but about having someone available that would open her legs when he felt horny.

You know by now that's what it was to him, so it shouldn't be hard at all for you to say no to this "role" if you really want your dignity back, and that was why I was calling you out on the title of the thread. I don't know if your reference to "name calling" was about the term "booty call" I used in my previous post; it wasn't intended as such, but just as a description of the "role" I was talking about. I still think it is disturbing that a woman would think that kind of arrangement could be desirable and "difficult" to turn down.

[bosunmate]

Fact is, it shouldn't be difficult at all. The way you've been telling your story it is quite clear and I see it's quite obvious to yourself, that, for your AP, this affair was never about "love" or even feelings, but about having someone available that would open her legs when he felt horny.

You know by now that's what it was to him, so it shouldn't be hard at all for you to say no to this "role" if you really want your dignity back, and that was why I was calling you out on the title of the thread. I don't know if your reference to "name calling" was about the term "booty call" I used in my previous post; it wasn't intended as such, but just as a description of the "role" I was talking about. I still think it is disturbing that a woman would think that kind of arrangement could be desirable and "difficult" to turn down.

 

 

 

 

 

I believe she took offense to me calling her a cake eater. I guess she thought I was saying she's fat I don't know.

[Leelou]

Fact is, it shouldn't be difficult at all. The way you've been telling your story it is quite clear and I see it's quite obvious to yourself, that, for your AP, this affair was never about "love" or even feelings, but about having someone available that would open her legs when he felt horny.

You know by now that's what it was to him, so it shouldn't be hard at all for you to say no to this "role" if you really want your dignity back, and that was why I was calling you out on the title of the thread. I don't know if your reference to "name calling" was about the term "booty call" I used in my previous post; it wasn't intended as such, but just as a description of the "role" I was talking about. I still think it is disturbing that a woman would think that kind of arrangement could be desirable and "difficult" to turn down.

 

You come across as very judgmental, and not at all on the OP's side.

[aliveagain]

There is one lifeboat and it only fits two, who you are you going to save? Once you decide let everything else sink to the bottom and don't look back.

[jackslife]

I am going to argue against the tide again and vote against telling your husband. However I do think you should seek IC and find out the root of all this. If it was just a fling and you love your husband then fine. But deep down why did this happen? Affairs happen for a reason, you need to find out why and that will help dictate your choices.

Remember a confession will most likely end your marriage. But if you love your husband you can end the affair and build on that love. But if you don't, well the marriage is over anyway.

[BG11]

Trimmer - I really do appreciate you taking the time to write this out. Yes, by not confessing, I am hedging my bets, hoping against hope that my H will never know. If I knew that he would find out, I would tell him ASAP. I guess right now, I am trying to decide which path is the bigger risk.

 

I know I was on the list of suspects, especially in the beginning. I've said before that I am really surprised she hasn't figured it out fully. There is a complicating factor here though, in that she may recognize that me quitting could be detrimental to the business and thus their finances. Certainly everyone is replaceable, but it would be an issue. I shouldn't go into more details on this forum. Believe me, I am not counting on this as some sort of 'protection', nor trying to use it to benefit me. I am just speculating that could have something to do with her not knowing, or not wanting to know.

 

I have already made the decision that, if my H seriously asks me or confronts me, I will tell the truth. And I will tell of all it, no TT.

 

I wish I could turn back time, and never have gotten myself into this mess. It seems much harder to get out of than to fall into. I know many of you are saying, if you really loved your H you would, or just say no. I AM saying no. However I have not quit my job yet. I believe that my quitting will go hand in hand with confessing. And since I haven't decided to confess yet, I don't know how to explain me quitting. It's such a tangled web.

 

 

 

I know you are going to say this is not true but judging by your post you do not respect (and probably do not love) your H so why not just divorce?

 

Everything you do and decide is based solely off of selfish reasoning, and even-though I do not know your H I gotta believe he deserves better. The fact that your H finding out is the dominant factor in determining whether you are honest with him and at the very least try to live up to vows you took when you married him goes to show that you do not respect him.

 

So why continue making a fool out of him? It seems like this is something you would do to someone you hate not love.

[Just a Guy]

I guess the OP will continue to try and dodge the bullet till it turns into a homing missile and finds her hiding under a rock!! No point trying to convince the unconvinceable. Let her be at peace till the chickens come home to roost!

[fellini]

What everyone has been trying to tell you for thirteen pages is that if your hubby finds out from someone else other than you, that you have devalued him and put him second in your heart, things will be so much harder than if you tell him first. Everyone here has been thru the storm that is coming your way. Its not fun and it for sure is not easy and letting him find out the girl he loves has been betraying him for all these months it will put him in a very bad place. If you view the stats you will see that your chances of saving your marriage and keeping him go down if he hears it from someone else. It is also arrogant of you to believe that the wife will over look things because the business needs you. Do you really thing she will turn a blind eye because your quitting would affect their finances. I don't mean to be hard on you, but you really have not realized what you have put into play with your actions. I called you a cake eater yesterday and it offended you, I'm sorry to do that but it really seems like you want to keep the status quo the way it is. I wish you luck because you are heading down a slippery slope....

 

Another way of looking at this thread is to see that the issue of telling or not was dealt with by page2. OP has responded completely to that issue, it is not in her original post to receive 13 pages of insistence, many 3 or 4 times by the same people, to tell her to do what she has clearly said she is not prepared to do right now. Her first priority is to get past the AP.

 

I posted the same from go, but stopped calling her to task on it a week ago.

 

In any other world what is happening here would be considered harassment and every one here knows it. But it seems there is more tolerance in here for harassing a WS than harassing a BS. Surely there is a an understanding that if the suggestion to tell has been said the same way for 13 pages its understood, and now the OP is asking for support for the path she has chosen.

 

I think its only fair to offer the same support as say when the majority of responders thinks a BS should dump a WS but has chosen the reconciliation route. We do not spend 13 pages telling the BS he is a rugsweeper do we? That his WS spouse cannot possibly love him? Or do we?

 

OP. The same advice about time we give the BS - you are only just through the gates here and your emotions are running high. Your ambivalence has to do with being connected with this man, and you need to work hard at getting him out. You cannot logically focus 100% on the needs of your husband if you are feeling this way about the exP, but doing significant quality activities with your H is helpful in reorienting your values and emotions, draining them from the AP and allowing you to reconnect them where they belong. This is a lesson I learned from my WS the hard way. Her focussing only on my pain from dday meant she further compartmentalised the AP and failed, during 8 months to properly rid himself in her mind. NC is just NC. Out of sight out of mind only goes so far. Only when she dealt with him head on in here mind were we ablle to move forward with R.

 

Loving someone, I believe comes more from giving than from taking, so this is entirely up to you to do. Its not just about turning off a tap you have to reroute your emotional attachments

Edited July 6, 2014 by fellini

[Spectre]

is that if your hubby finds out from someone else other than you, that you have devalued him and put him second in your heart

 

Unfortunately this will be true whether or not she says a word to him. It's just that by telling him she can set him free from her, which is what he deserves.

 

Though this thread has gone 13 pages, I am saddened to say this woman's husband is probably going to be left in the dark. I could already tell when she said she'd only tell him if he seriously asked, and why would he ask her that? He probably is under the impression she respects him. So when she is already trying to put a loophole in place so she can say "Oh I'd be honest with him..if he does a certain thing he probably won't ever do unless I act suspicious" I think this is a lost cause.

 

This is a rare occasion I agree with Fellini, we can do no more here. We can sit here all day and tell her what the right thing to do is, but it seems we would be wasting our time. So, she has said she wants her dignity back and has been told how to get it back, but has yet to listen. We can all pray one day she realizes the husband has every right to know and how cruel it is to steal more life from him, but that is all we can do. If she doesn't tell we can only hope he somehow finds out on his own, but that seems doubtful.

[fellini]

This is a rare occasion I agree with Fellini, we can do no more here. We can sit here all day and tell her what the right thing to do is, but it seems we would be wasting our time. So, she has said she wants her dignity back and has been told how to get it back, but has yet to listen. We can all pray one day she realizes the husband has every right to know and how cruel it is to steal more life from him, but that is all we can do. If she doesn't tell we can only hope he somehow finds out on his own, but that seems doubtful.

 

 

I respectfully distance myself from the overuse and unsolicited word "we".

 

Those were not my words, those are yours. I do not EVER presume to be able to tell a complete stranger if she does or does not get to have HER dignity back just by telling her H. No did I say what is the only right thing to do. Only she can decide that. I do not "pray", I do not believe she is "stealing from him" anything, at best, she is robbing herself, I do not "wish for him to find out for himself", and I do not believe that this is all LS can offer her. It seems to me you believe the only thing to discuss her is a confession. It is not. That was my point.

 

I really wish you would speak in the personal pronoun "I" unless you have carte blanche permission to twist my and everyone else's post in terms of your perspective, which I respectfully do not grant.

[Trimmer]

I respectfully distance myself from the overuse and unsolicited word "we".

 

I really wish you would speak in the personal pronoun "I" unless you have carte blanche permission to twist my and everyone else's post in terms of your perspective, which I respectfully do not grant.

I think this is well said, and I would ask that you also apply it to the following:

 

I think its only fair to offer the same support as say when the majority of responders thinks a BS should dump a WS but has chosen the reconciliation route. We do not spend 13 pages telling the BS he is a rugsweeper do we? That his WS spouse cannot possibly love him? Or do we?

Actually, it is not uncommon to find that "we" do.

 

Actually, having that advice pounded into me might have been useful, way back when.

 

Point is, you can never know what is going to get through and what is going to make a difference. I chimed in - 13 pages late by your count - with what you might consider to be yet another angle on the same tired advice, and the OP replied with a thanks. Who are "we" to judge when a given line of reasoning should be shut down?

 

If you see truly hostile and uncivil posts, then by all means, alert the mods to them, but I respectfully request that you don't propose to declare what lines of discussion "we" should or should not engage.

[OverIt75]

Another way of looking at this thread is to see that the issue of telling or not was dealt with by page2. OP has responded completely to that issue, it is not in her original post to receive 13 pages of insistence, many 3 or 4 times by the same people, to tell her to do what she has clearly said she is not prepared to do right now. Her first priority is to get past the AP.

 

I posted the same from go, but stopped calling her to task on it a week ago.

 

In any other world what is happening here would be considered harassment and every one here knows it. But it seems there is more tolerance in here for harassing a WS than harassing a BS. Surely there is a an understanding that if the suggestion to tell has been said the same way for 13 pages its understood, and now the OP is asking for support for the path she has chosen.

 

I think its only fair to offer the same support as say when the majority of responders thinks a BS should dump a WS but has chosen the reconciliation route. We do not spend 13 pages telling the BS he is a rugsweeper do we? That his WS spouse cannot possibly love him? Or do we?

 

OP. The same advice about time we give the BS - you are only just through the gates here and your emotions are running high. Your ambivalence has to do with being connected with this man, and you need to work hard at getting him out. You cannot logically focus 100% on the needs of your husband if you are feeling this way about the exP, but doing significant quality activities with your H is helpful in reorienting your values and emotions, draining them from the AP and allowing you to reconnect them where they belong. This is a lesson I learned from my WS the hard way. Her focussing only on my pain from dday meant she further compartmentalised the AP and failed, during 8 months to properly rid himself in her mind. NC is just NC. Out of sight out of mind only goes so far. Only when she dealt with him head on in here mind were we ablle to move forward with R.

 

Loving someone, I believe comes more from giving than from taking, so this is entirely up to you to do. Its not just about turning off a tap you have to reroute your emotional attachments

 

I appreciate this Fellini. I have somewhat bowed out of my own thread. I do respect and value everyone's advice and I get that you are all posting from your own experiences. But as you state, at this moment, confessing is not up for debate. I have the possibility of it in my head and know it is something I may choose to do. But right now I am just trying to dig out of the hole I created. I was hoping to be able to have somewhere to turn when/if I feel tempted. I'm not sure if that's what LS will turn out to be for me. But your words of support in doing the right thing and the advice given have had everything to do with me getting through the last week. Thank you.

 

H and I have enjoyed a nice weekend together...lake, friends' house, golf. Have had no desire to reach out to xOM. It's been good.

[2sunny]

Have you quit the job?

 

Being around your OM at work certainly isn't a firm action that shows you intend to end the A.

 

Glad you're having fun with the hubby - but it's not enough to withstand your OM at work.

 

If you really intend to look out for the BEST interest of your H and the M - you'd simply never go back to that job again.

[Zenstudent]

After reading this thread, I had to look up the term "dignity": The quality or state of being worthy of esteem or respect.

 

I wonder how your husband will feel about dignity when he discovers that all the good times you shared was just an act on your side - a charade, that his life as he knows it, is simply built on a huge swamp of lies.

 

OverIt75; is this who you really wanna be, or did you simply convince yourself that you're caught in something you can't change? You sound like an intelligent woman, so in reality, you know perfectly well how to get your dignity back.