I Want My Dignity Back

[jnel921]

All you need to do is STOP. As you can already tell it's not worth it. You have been shelved for optional use.

 

Is this how you think a loving person treats someone they love?

 

You have a H, and a family. Put your energy and focus on that. Your OM apparently has. You were not significant enough to leave his W after she found out, what does this tell you?

 

Clear your mind and tell yourself you don't have to do this. Just STOP.

[OverIt75]

Thank you Jnel - I have already stopped and AP is going to find that out today.

 

I realized I've already made my bed. The only thing I know to do is to keep taking the next RIGHT step. And I will have to deal with whatever consequences that come.

[OverIt75]

Allow me to rephrase - xAP.

[thummper]

 

from what felt like a true love affair to just sex when he needs it. He tells me he loves me during those times, but that's it. If I ever send him an email to say I'm thinking of him, he respond with some dirty talk. I'm over it. I'm so tired.

 

I am so confused because he'll tell me that he's never had this kind of connection with anyone before...but then drops me cold. I am tired of being his side dish, being kept as an option. I thought for a while that I could get something out of it too, but now I just feel used. It's even worse because we work together, so every day I have to put up with wondering what he's thinking, where he's going, when he'll approach me, blah blah blah. I have a feeling he never worries about me like I do about him.

 

I feel I'm at a breaking point. I want my dignity back. I have become a person I don't recognize - full of anxiety and insecurity and obsessive thoughts. I can't ever get him out of my mind. Every time I make a decision to end it, I get scared, I'm afraid to lose him entirely. And to then have to continue to work with him...I am sick to my stomach.

 

My husband doesn't deserve any of this and certainly my children don't. I want this to stop, but I feel like I need help. I am posting here for support in doing the right thing, and hoping someone can tell me that it can get better.

 

 

 

Oh honey, you've become nothing more than a convenient booty call.....a free call girl, something to turn to when this guy "feels the need." He doesn't love you, for God's sake. He loves the free sex. You deserve so much more than this. Your HUSBAND deserves so much more than this! Drop this guy totally. If it doesn't have anything to do with your job, don't even engage in conversation with him. It just allows him to get his foot back in the door. Even better, get yourself out of this situation totally. And think about this: If his wife has been suspicious all along, imagine the pain and heartache if she should contact your husband with her suspicions!!! You know what to do, now do it. Throw yourself back into your marriage and make your hubby the #1 man in your life.

[aliveagain]

The only thing I will say is, he's been caught and at some point his wife is going to give him the ultimate test of his loyalty and demand to know who you are or ask him to leave. She will need to know that he choose's her over you, it will happen, your days are numbered. You will not fair as well if she contacts your husband and gives him the truth, What are the chances O/M will continue to choose to protect you over loosing his wife and children, house?

 

You really need to think this through because everything you have is on the line. What is more important to you, your relationship with other man or the family you have with your husband? The answer should come easy. Your affair partner will have to make that very same decision when his wife asks for your identity. What I am writing you is not being written to scare you but to give you the truth of your reality and if you don't prepare yourself for it's probability than your still living in a fantasy.

[DKT3]

So it's better to build a beautiful house on 5, 10 years of nuclear fallout from D-Day? They call it D-day for a reason, don't you think? (There are plenty of stories in LS about the years of pain and suffering of a BS, some who ultimately threw in the towel, some who stay, and remain in pain, some who stay and live a loveless marriage "in a beautiful house"...)

 

So it's better to build a beautiful house from a shotgun shack four blocks away while you go back to your exH's house to drop off the kids for his custody time? (Yes there are stories here in LS about disclosing and instant divorce)

 

So it's better to build a beautiful house while your BS is in prison because he reacted badly and beat the sh-t out of the exAP? (Yes, there are stories here in LS about that too)

 

And just as these stories are real, so are the "disclosure and 5 years later we are stronger stories."

 

This is the difference: I believe all of them are true, and I do not think anyone in LS is in a position to promise the OP that if she gets her guilt off her chest that things are going to be just hunky dory from that day on. Or even 5 years on.

 

But yeah, if she tells her husband, the people here who are telling her she MUST TELL, will be here for the next 3 years while she obsesses about having lost her husband, her kids, her job, and her dignity never came back. She'll get lots of support in virtual world LS and be the disgrace in her real world.

 

I have already told the OP several times that I THINK she should tell, and why. What I do not pretend to do is to tell her that it is her only salvation. And I do not pretend to be able to predict how her husband is going to take it. Maybe he will be more like me, and want to work it out, maybe he will be more like most of the BS's in here, and it will be the deal breaker.

 

Telling her H is NOT her ONLY SALVATION. She has options, now she has to start weighing her options, and moving on the one she thinks is best for her situation, and live with the consequences. Just like she has been doing all along.

 

I hate to comment on replies to my lady, but this one, I just have to.

 

Its not about her guilt or if its better not to tell. Its about giving the spouse the option and allowing them to decide what's best for them. That's what you do when you love someone. You don't make unilateral decisions in marriages.

 

Of course there is a chance she could not tell and they go on to live happy. There is also a very good chance that he finds out from someone else. Or worse yet he connects the dots on his own. That is a painful journey indeed.

 

Rolling the dice either way if her goal is to stay married, telling just betters her odds. It gives her husband something to cling to, and helps to know that she couldn't live with what she had done. Doing it and not confessing shows that she could live with betraying him and for me it made it harder or impossible to move forward at the time.

[bosunmate]

I just don't see how staying quiet about an affair is good for marriage. There should always be total honesty between two people who chose to live a life together. The betrayed partner deserves to know who they have married and they deserve the chance to decide if they can live with it or not. Not to tell is just as bad as the affair in my book...

[Owl]

OP, I'm going to point out to you that you are getting advice from several posters who have successfully reconciled their marriages post d-day, or are in the process of it.

 

You'll see a pattern.

 

The vast, vast majority of folks who do so follow that pattern.

 

There will always be exceptions. Always.

 

The majority of folks I have seen who have successfully reconciled their marriages long-term have done so by rebuilding on a basis of honesty...by starting out with giving their betrayed spouses the full truth.

 

Again, there are exceptions. A great majority (in my experience) of BS's indicate that they would want to know about the affair, would want to make their own decisions as to proceed or not.

 

Again...there are exceptions.

 

A handful of folks manage to work things out their own way, without taking the same path as others.

 

A handful of folks win the lottery and never have to work again, too.

 

Personally...I don't recommend planning on those kinds of odds to garauntee future success in either circumstance.

 

Don't quit your day job based on a lottery ticket purchase...and if you want to reconcile your marriage, you might wanna follow the methods that have been successful for the majority of folks who have done so.

 

Personally...I'm one of those that found out about my wife's EA on my own. She didn't tell me. But...I'd have rather she had, given the choice.

 

Regardless...I'm one who wants all the information to make my own choices...to stay or not...based on that info.

 

What kind of man is your H? Would he want to know, or not?

 

Would he rather not have you tell...or would he rather know and make up his own mind?

 

It's up to you...this is the advice that I can offer. There are a lot of reasons why it's best to tell him. It's the best way to end the affair, to prevent it from recurring. It sets a stage so you BOTH can improve your side of the marriage, so that you BOTH can fix things that are wrong in the marriage. It creates more open communication, more honesty...and more accountability between the two of you, which may be critical in keeping the affair ended in the short term.

 

That's my advice for you, as a long time poster here and on other boards, and as a BS who successfully reconciled my own marriage after my wife's EA.

[Clay]

I personally don't agree with not telling your Husband. It is your choice and you will have to live with what you decide to do.

 

If you tell him you control how you bring that information to him. You can show compassion and true remorse. These things go along way in trying to save your marriage from this horrible thing you have done. You also show that you are trying to better yourself to be a better partner to him.

 

If you don't tell him then there is the chance he will never know. Sure that might sound great but really it never last. Some day someone will slip. Something will come out. He might not know it all but it will start to build in his mind. If he figures it out for himself your chances of saving your marriage and not destroying your kids lives greatly diminish.

 

Being a better person starts with being honest with yourself. Not just to other people. I agree with Lovin and DTK. I think your setting yourself up to fail if you don't tell your Husband.

 

Clay

[cozycottagelg]

How did his wife find out about the affair? Personally, I would be freaked the hell out if I were in your shoes. I don't know what kind of woman he is married to, but women can find out almost anything they want to, if they want it bad enough. Do you think you have covered your tracks enough? do you think that if she suspected someone else he would let that person take the fall, or throw you under the bus. You work for him, you have got to be on her radar. How confident are you that she won't ever find out?

[italianjob]

Telling or not telling is obviously your call, my personal opinion is it's usually better to confess, because what's really at stake is not only your marriage but also its authenticity, and the authenticity of your life and your H's life, not to mention true integrity and the dignity you want back.

You can try to work on your marriage without telling what happened to your husband, but IMO you would be working on a cardboard version of your marriage that would fall apart if the truth should come out.

In your case, by the way, the advice to confess can be given even with purely practical purposes in mind, as circumstances and dynamics suggest that it's highly unlikely this is gonna stay hidden for long.

[OverIt75]

How did his wife find out about the affair? Personally, I would be freaked the hell out if I were in your shoes. I don't know what kind of woman he is married to, but women can find out almost anything they want to, if they want it bad enough. Do you think you have covered your tracks enough? do you think that if she suspected someone else he would let that person take the fall, or throw you under the bus. You work for him, you have got to be on her radar. How confident are you that she won't ever find out?

 

Ummm...she hired a PI. Or got a friend to "play" PI. Not exactly sure. If it was a real PI I feel like there would have been a lot more uncovered than actually was. This was months ago now, so I would think if more has been found, it would have been made known.

 

I also realize I could be totally wrong and everything is about to crash. Hard. But again, that's the crappy situation I've put myself and my whole family in. The only thing I know to do now is stop this ridiculousness and move forward.

 

To those who have commented about disclosure to my H...I am really really thinking it over. It is very difficult to know the right thing. Personally, even though it scares me to death, I would like to be able to tell him. I agree that it will help prevent a recurrence, and I think solidify us as being on the same team again. However I also know my H. It is quite possible he would wish he had never known, if I do disclose.

[fellini]

I think you are being a little overdramatic on why people are telling her to confess. I didn't read everyones response but I don't think people are saying its her only salvation. Personally I think she already killed her marriage.

 

I think the majority see that it is very likely that her H is going to learn of the affair, and if it comes from a source other than her she will lose any small chance she has to reconcile.

 

You taking your wife back was the exception, not the rule. Most are going to struggle like crazy after something like this but her best chance to gain some trust points back is to confess.

 

Actually the percentage of BH's who reconcile with their WW's is very high. Very high. I am by no means an exception.

 

I have already agreed to the point, actually I have said it 3 times, that if her BH is going to find out, she should be the one to tell.

 

But I also have to respect her wishes not to tell. I hope her reasons are genuine, and I have no reason to doubt them based on what little we have about this OP. And I don't know why in LS that when an OP declares, quite plainly, that she s/he has ZERO intention of confession, the result is just more hammering at it by more BS's.

 

The post I responded to, and others like it, are NOT interested in just whether or not the BS is going to find out. They are clear: there is no possibility of reconciliation if she does not confess. This is what they are saying. There is no, it depends, etc. It is their position that confession is a form of cleansing and leveling. And I, and many others, happen to disagree. We are not excpetions to any rule. There is no rule. There are only grounded opinions.

[Owl]

The post I responded to, and others like it, are NOT interested in just whether or not the BS is going to find out. They are clear: there is no possibility of reconciliation if she does not confess. This is what they are saying. There is no, it depends, etc. It is their position that confession is a form of cleansing and leveling. And I, and many others, happen to disagree. We are not excpetions to any rule. There is no rule. There are only grounded opinions.

 

I'm not saying that it's impossible to reconcile without full disclosure...just damned improbable.

 

Non-disclosure negates open communication, honesty, and a full partnership between spouses. It also sets the stage for that pattern to continue in the future, and without accountability it also greatly increases the likelihood of a new affair, or a resumption of the current affair later.

 

It CAN be done...but it's not the best way to do it, nor is it the most likely method to succeed.

[cozycottagelg]

Ummm...she hired a PI. Or got a friend to "play" PI. Not exactly sure. If it was a real PI I feel like there would have been a lot more uncovered than actually was. This was months ago now, so I would think if more has been found, it would have been made known.

 

I also realize I could be totally wrong and everything is about to crash. Hard. But again, that's the crappy situation I've put myself and my whole family in. The only thing I know to do now is stop this ridiculousness and move forward.

 

To those who have commented about disclosure to my H...I am really really thinking it over. It is very difficult to know the right thing. Personally, even though it scares me to death, I would like to be able to tell him. I agree that it will help prevent a recurrence, and I think solidify us as being on the same team again. However I also know my H. It is quite possible he would wish he had never known, if I do disclose.

 

A PI probably would have found out who you were, not just that he was being unfaithful. I could see her not knowing who you were if she found emails from a fake address or a random number on a cell phone bill..but a PI has a job to do, and I don't see how your identity would be left out, that seems really random.

 

Maybe it's because I'm cynical, or perhaps I've been reading these boards too much, but are you 100% sure that his wife found out? Or is it at all possible that he just told you that she found out so that he could keep you at arms reach because things were getting too hot? Just a thought. And I'm honestly not trying to be rude or insensitive... I'm not perfect and I've made a lot of bad choices as well.

[italianjob]

Actually the percentage of BH's who reconcile with their WW's is very high. Very high. I am by no means an exception.

 

I have already agreed to the point, actually I have said it 3 times, that if her BH is going to find out, she should be the one to tell.

 

But I also have to respect her wishes not to tell. I hope her reasons are genuine, and I have no reason to doubt them based on what little we have about this OP. And I don't know why in LS that when an OP declares, quite plainly, that she s/he has ZERO intention of confession, the result is just more hammering at it by more BS's.

 

The post I responded to, and others like it, are NOT interested in just whether or not the BS is going to find out. They are clear: there is no possibility of reconciliation if she does not confess. This is what they are saying. There is no, it depends, etc. It is their position that confession is a form of cleansing and leveling. And I, and many others, happen to disagree. We are not excpetions to any rule. There is no rule. There are only grounded opinions.

 

Well, actually, they are right.

How can you reconcile with someone who doesn't even know they're reconciling?

Who would she be reconciling with? Herself?

[OverIt75]

Maybe it's because I'm cynical, or perhaps I've been reading these boards too much, but are you 100% sure that his wife found out? Or is it at all possible that he just told you that she found out so that he could keep you at arms reach because things were getting too hot? Just a thought. And I'm honestly not trying to be rude or insensitive... I'm not perfect and I've made a lot of bad choices as well.

 

That's an interesting thought, but I really don't think so. I'm not sure how much detail I should put out there, but I will say that the two things they found did not reveal my identity.

[BG11]

Ummm...she hired a PI. Or got a friend to "play" PI. Not exactly sure. If it was a real PI I feel like there would have been a lot more uncovered than actually was. This was months ago now, so I would think if more has been found, it would have been made known.

 

I also realize I could be totally wrong and everything is about to crash. Hard. But again, that's the crappy situation I've put myself and my whole family in. The only thing I know to do now is stop this ridiculousness and move forward.

 

To those who have commented about disclosure to my H...I am really really thinking it over. It is very difficult to know the right thing. Personally, even though it scares me to death, I would like to be able to tell him. I agree that it will help prevent a recurrence, and I think solidify us as being on the same team again. However I also know my H. It is quite possible he would wish he had never known, if I do disclose.

 

 

Confessing or not confessing is your choice but it seems like you are trying to come up with reasons not to tell. I will be honest to me its a little sad that you may continue making a fool out of him by continuing to deceive him.

[cozycottagelg]

That's an interesting thought, but I really don't think so. I'm not sure how much detail I should put out there, but I will say that the two things they found did not reveal my identity.

 

Did he tell you what they found? And did he seem panicked at all? Does he have concerns about them finding out it's you?

[OverIt75]

Did he tell you what they found? And did he seem panicked at all? Does he have concerns about them finding out it's you?

 

Yes, he told me. And yes, he was very very worried. We buttoned up/got rid of those potential holes, and tried not to create any new ones.

 

Going forward there will be nothing to discover (nothing new anyway )

[Owl]

Yes, he told me. And yes, he was very very worried. We buttoned up/got rid of those potential holes, and tried not to create any new ones.

 

Going forward there will be nothing to discover (nothing new anyway )

 

Overit...one risk to consider.

 

When I knew my wife was having an affair...she was smart enough not to try to hide it further. I, unlike many, had very little 'trickle truth' to deal with.

 

And...had I found out later about the affair...especially had it gone physical, that hers had not yet...and realized she'd covered it up all that time...that would have KILLED any desire to reconcile on my part.

 

Compounding the situation with the level of deception required to maintain that kind of secret against me long term....that would have been the straw that broke the camel's back in my case.

 

Again...your husband may be a different kind of man from me.

 

I'm just thinking you're not considering the balance of telling him yourself....and him finding out later...and what the difference in approaches may well mean for an outcome.

[Buckeye2]

One of the good things about confessing is that it burns bridges with the AP and helps end the affair.

 

At least make this promise to yourself. That if you have sex with the AP again, you will have to tell your husband. Maybe that will motivate you to stop.

 

Even while we've been on "the shelf", when he (OM) wants time with me, he approaches me with such assertiveness that I barely have a chance to get my thoughts together. He told me when we called it off that he needed it to be over, but that there would be times where he just couldn't physically help himself. I mean, he basically said, look, this has gotten a little too complicated for me, so it's over. But when I really want to have sex, I'm going to come back to you. And then he told me I "could say no." I can't even believe I've accepted any of this.

 

Maybe you’re submissive and being dominated turns you on.

 

Do you ever tell your husband no when he needs sex? Maybe if your husband demanded it he would get it like the OM.

Edited June 30, 2014 by Buckeye2

[aliveagain]

Just how did you imagine this would end? Were you going to replace your husband with O/M or were you just going to have secret sex with him for a couple of years and than keep your little secret from your husband by taking it to your grave? Doesn't sound like your 100% committed to your marriage either way. Keeping that big a secret from your spouse is a guarantee of disaster, personally it will very likely affect you physically, mentally, and the threat of exposure constantly hovering over your head will cause other stress's on your relationship.

 

Without honesty how do you see your marriage working out? I fear for you because it sounds like you have what appears to be the perfect family, great job but somehow that perfect isn't perhaps enough because you risk it all for a guy that cheats on his wife, than cheats on his mistress with you for 7 months. Your going to have to explain this all to your husband soon. Think of the hurt he is going to feel when tell him that anytime O/M wants sex you just give it up to him, that should make him feel pretty special. Get yourself fired, tell him he has no choice, find another job. Start independent counselling if you haven't already done so, these will soften some of the blow for your husband. I don't know how big your office is but others may already suspect your relationship with your boss.

[OverIt75]

Overit...one risk to consider.

 

When I knew my wife was having an affair...she was smart enough not to try to hide it further. I, unlike many, had very little 'trickle truth' to deal with.

 

And...had I found out later about the affair...especially had it gone physical, that hers had not yet...and realized she'd covered it up all that time...that would have KILLED any desire to reconcile on my part.

 

Compounding the situation with the level of deception required to maintain that kind of secret against me long term....that would have been the straw that broke the camel's back in my case.

 

Again...your husband may be a different kind of man from me.

 

I'm just thinking you're not considering the balance of telling him yourself....and him finding out later...and what the difference in approaches may well mean for an outcome.

 

Owl, you are probably right regarding that last sentence. It just seems so so scary to tell him that there's a part of me that is willing to roll the dice, in hopes that he will never know. I feel like I am still somewhat in the fog, so my thinking is probably not totally logical. I am trying to crawl out. I just still have this thought that rather than just two options (me telling him vs someone else telling him), I might have three (the third being he never has to know).

 

There is a huge part of me that believes I cannot really do this without confessing. I just can't say I've come to terms with it yet.

[OverIt75]

One of the good things about confessing is that it burns bridges with the AP and helps end the affair.

 

At least make this promise to yourself. That if you have sex with the AP again, you will have to tell your husband. Maybe that will motivate you to stop.

 

 

 

Maybe you’re submissive and being dominated turns you on.

 

Do you ever tell your husband no when he needs sex? Maybe if your husband demanded it he would get it like the OM.

 

You are totally right in your first sentence - I know it would bind me to my H rather than my xAP. I'm just scared...

 

Interesting thought on the whole submissive thing! Hmmmm.

 

xOM is not getting it anymore.