I Want My Dignity Back

[Clay]

I think the real truth of it is if you were seriously ready to end it you would have taken care of it already. This waiting around is just your way of giving yourself more time because your not sure what you really want. Maybe in some way your hoping he really fights for your love and affection. It sounds honestly to me like your not really ready to try to be faithful to your husband. I mean honestly that is your choice you can do what you want.

 

Hopefully some day you might be ready to give yourself back to your family but it is not sounding like you are ready for that.

 

The longer you live your life like this the harder it will be to fix later.

 

You should read Sofia Thread. She crushed her world with her boss. Her husband divorced her after he hired a PI. She has worked incredibly hard everyday since to win him back but It sounds like it never worked out for her.

 

Clay

[Buckeye2]

I think the real truth of it is if you were seriously ready to end it you would have taken care of it already. This waiting around is just your way of giving yourself more time because your not sure what you really want. Maybe in some way your hoping he really fights for your love and affection.

 

I agree.

 

I think that your motivation for ending the affair is more about the OM’s disrespect (i.e. being very clear that he is just using you for sex) than about loving your husband.

 

Whatever your primary motivation, you’re doing the right thing.

 

Good luck.

[A.Moscote]

...I don't know if I'll get the full court press today, but I imagine it will come at some point.

Be calm and strong OverIt, don't ponder too much on what might go wrong, just hold fast on your goal and use this relatively lucid moment to build up your resilience and self-control. Truly you are doing pretty good so far, so keep it up that way, keep your eyes open and your heart sincere. Use your experience to avoid the whats and whens during your time in the office.

 

Be realistic though of how volatile our emotions can be. Right now yes, you are very conscious of the right and wrong, but always remember that you yourself who has had deliberately enjoy the emotional and physical intimacy from the affair. Be aware and careful when that part of you crave all those ecstasies again, because if you are not, no matter how wrong and unjust it is, or how wretched the man that provided that is, you could fall back, again.

 

...I know that SAA recommends some things I am not currently doing - particularly full exposure and confession to my H.

Imo, focus on ending the affair as well as building your resistance first, at least on the coming few weeks. Take things step by step. There will be time later, hopefully, to plan and act on the marriage. Consider properly on the pros and cons of confessing. What fellini said is true, one big disadvantage of it is your husband will be hurt. In the sum of it all however, I'm sure fellini too would have to admit on how much progress and benefits they reap by working together on the real truth.

 

Be patient going through this trying time OverIt, you'll get out of this eventually. Vent off here always, many here will support/advice you for every situation and decision. Good luck and take care.

[SoulStorm]

Do you realize that he targeted you because he knew you had a weak spot he could manipulate?

This man has you so in a web that he made you cheat on your husband of 15 years. Even right now he has your mind in a tizzy because your ego likes to be pursued. Who doesn't right?

 

But when you are jeopardizing your marriage and integrity...what is it going to take to make you see how much you have already killed your marriage and integrity?

 

You are far too intelligent to be swayed by smooth words from a man who has no problem cheating on his wife and getting you to humiliate your husband.

 

Yes...you are humiliating your husband because the OM can brag that he has you (or had you) many times and can do it again because he knows your weak spot. Strengthen your weak spot and reclaim your integrity...

The OM has confidence that he can reel you back in.

 

 

He will go silent and make you miss him

 

He will send you little nuggets of attention to get you hooked

 

He's done this before

 

He has just made you another notch in his belt

 

You're worth more than that

[BG11]

fellini - what a great idea. I will do this. It doesn't mean that I may not confess, nor of course does it mean that he won't find out on his own. But if that day comes, he will at least know that I ended it before he found out.

 

Can I ask since deciding to end the affair do you think you have really grown as a person? I ask because it seems like you are still looking for ways to deceive your H, which shows that you are your own top priority and not your H/family.

 

Lets be honest the plan above appeals to you because it is a cop out. In your mind it allows you to continue lying to your H and offers what you believe to be security for when he does find out. This way when everything blows up you can say something that creates the illusion of respect and love for your H. In reality this probably won't help because an affair causes two major issues with us(men): 1) their wives are now tainted, and 2) their ego takes a major blow because not only did their wife cheat but they made them into a cuckold/fool.

 

The only way to soften the blow is to own what you did and confess.

 

Do you really love your H or just love the life he has helped you build?

[Syco]

Apologies if this has been answered, but have you confessed to your husband or not?

[thummper]

Well, Overit, did he keep after you or did he graciously take the rejection and decide to leave you alone? I know I'm not the only person here who is curious about the outcome of your decision.

[DKT3]

To me, it doesn't seem like she is ready to end the affair. More like she wants more from the AP then he is willing to give. I hope I'm wrong, but a few kind words and a promise of more and she will fall right back.

[thummper]

Much as I hate to say this, but I think you may be right, DK. Damn, I was so in hopes that she would dump this predator and recommit to her hubby. I'm afraid she gave in and that's why we haven't heard any more from her.

[bosunmate]

The way she was going back and forth on whether to tell the hubby or not tells me she was not really committed to saving her marriage. It seems like she is only interested in saving her neck. Too bad for the hubby...

[italianjob]

Much as I hate to say this, but I think you may be right, DK. Damn, I was so in hopes that she would dump this predator and recommit to her hubby. I'm afraid she gave in and that's why we haven't heard any more from her.

 

I'm afraid this may be true. Too bad. Well, there goes her dignity and the title of the thread.

[tornapart2002]

fellini - what a great idea. I will do this. It doesn't mean that I may not confess, nor of course does it mean that he won't find out on his own. But if that day comes, he will at least know that I ended it before he found out.

 

My H didn't end his affair before I found out. He also didn't confess. I had to find it all out by stumbling on some things. Worst feeling in the world.

 

Would I have felt better if he had confessed? I might have been able to give him a little more credit, but if he had waited until ending it (which he appeared to be getting toward that) and I stumbled all that and then had to drag it out of him...daaaamn. That wouldn't have meant **** to me. Just saying...

 

Marriage and relationships should be built on honesty. I don't mean that to come as a bash to you. I know it will be almost impossible and horrible to do..but you can NOT move forward properly in this marriage if you are not totally honest with your H...in my humble, ever learning, opinion.

[OverIt75]

Hi all...didn't mean to leave you hanging.

 

He was very kind about it, but wanted to talk yesterday. We did briefly, and he said he understood...but I have to admit that almost every fiber of my being wanted to cave. I didn't.

 

On vacation that next couple of days, plus the weekend, so that will be good.

 

Keep sending up good thoughts. This is VERY hard to do alone.

 

To those that have said it seems I'm only doing this because I'm tired of how I've been treated, rather than true remorse...again, I'll be truthful here: in some respects, you are right. I do feel regret for doing this to my H, but somehow I can still recognize that my head is not out of the fog. I've read from Dr. Harley that feelings follow action. So basically I am just trying to use whatever motivation I DO have to do the right thing, and then as I'm doing the right thing, I hope my fog will lift and that my motivation also shifts to the right thing...if that makes any sense at all.

[DKT3]

Hi all...didn't mean to leave you hanging.

 

He was very kind about it, but wanted to talk yesterday. We did briefly, and he said he understood...but I have to admit that almost every fiber of my being wanted to cave. I didn't.

 

On vacation that next couple of days, plus the weekend, so that will be good.

 

Keep sending up good thoughts. This is VERY hard to do alone.

 

To those that have said it seems I'm only doing this because I'm tired of how I've been treated, rather than true remorse...again, I'll be truthful here: in some respects, you are right. I do feel regret for doing this to my H, but somehow I can still recognize that my head is not out of the fog. I've read from Dr. Harley that feelings follow action. So basically I am just trying to use whatever motivation I DO have to do the right thing, and then as I'm doing the right thing, I hope my fog will lift and that my motivation also shifts to the right thing...if that makes any sense at all.

 

 

Yeah it makes sense. I just believe your husband deserves to know the marriage is on the line. Its unfair that your making all the decisions here.

[Jonah]

Hi all...didn't mean to leave you hanging.

 

He was very kind about it, but wanted to talk yesterday. We did briefly, and he said he understood...but I have to admit that almost every fiber of my being wanted to cave. I didn't.

 

On vacation that next couple of days, plus the weekend, so that will be good.

 

Keep sending up good thoughts. This is VERY hard to do alone.

 

To those that have said it seems I'm only doing this because I'm tired of how I've been treated, rather than true remorse...again, I'll be truthful here: in some respects, you are right. I do feel regret for doing this to my H, but somehow I can still recognize that my head is not out of the fog. I've read from Dr. Harley that feelings follow action. So basically I am just trying to use whatever motivation I DO have to do the right thing, and then as I'm doing the right thing, I hope my fog will lift and that my motivation also shifts to the right thing...if that makes any sense at all.

 

Holy cow! Within a few months you are going to be all over each other like animals! The longer you hold out, the better it will be! Won't take long after that to come up with an understanding that you'll never be able to deny each other such lovely bliss. Do yourselves a favor and enjoy a nice dinner and wine before totally knocking each others socks off because these will be moments that neither of you will want to forget... Till then just tease him with a little wink and a smile once in a while. Just think cool, light, fresh and breezy.

 

The reason he shuts you out is because he is afraid of you, that he would have to totally support you emotionally. Once he gets more comfortable with being able to trust you and your emotional stability, he'll lean on you more emotionally, and physically if you let him. You have some exciting years ahead of you! Might as well go ahead and enjoy them!

[OverIt75]

Yeah it makes sense. I just believe your husband deserves to know the marriage is on the line. Its unfair that your making all the decisions here.

 

I am sure he does, DKT3. I know. I am completely torn. I've been reading through the threads and there was one where BHs were weighing in about the effect their W's A has had on them...the damaged self-esteem, the intruding thoughts, the recognition that their life and M were forever changed. I know that this is all my doing, and regardless of whether he knows - it IS. I just have not come to the conclusion that I must tell him. Not yet anyway.

[OverIt75]

My H didn't end his affair before I found out. He also didn't confess. I had to find it all out by stumbling on some things. Worst feeling in the world.

 

Would I have felt better if he had confessed? I might have been able to give him a little more credit, but if he had waited until ending it (which he appeared to be getting toward that) and I stumbled all that and then had to drag it out of him...daaaamn. That wouldn't have meant **** to me. Just saying...

 

Marriage and relationships should be built on honesty. I don't mean that to come as a bash to you. I know it will be almost impossible and horrible to do..but you can NOT move forward properly in this marriage if you are not totally honest with your H...in my humble, ever learning, opinion.

 

Thank you...I am trying to come to terms with this. It does seem nearly impossible to speak it. So so scary.

[OverIt75]

Holy cow! Within a few months you are going to be all over each other like animals! The longer you hold out, the better it will be! Won't take long after that to come up with an understanding that you'll never be able to deny each other such lovely bliss. Do yourselves a favor and enjoy a nice dinner and wine before totally knocking each others socks off because these will be moments that neither of you will want to forget... Till then just tease him with a little wink and a smile once in a while. Just think cool, light, fresh and breezy.

 

The reason he shuts you out is because he is afraid of you, that he would have to totally support you emotionally. Once he gets more comfortable with being able to trust you and your emotional stability, he'll lean on you more emotionally, and physically if you let him. You have some exciting years ahead of you! Might as well go ahead and enjoy them!

 

Sooo...I'm new here and not meaning to be rude OR gullible. But I'm trying to figure out - are you for real??

[DKT3]

I am sure he does, DKT3. I know. I am completely torn. I've been reading through the threads and there was one where BHs were weighing in about the effect their W's A has had on them...the damaged self-esteem, the intruding thoughts, the recognition that their life and M were forever changed. I know that this is all my doing, and regardless of whether he knows - it IS. I just have not come to the conclusion that I must tell him. Not yet anyway.

 

The damage is already done in your marriage and to your husband, if he knows or not.

 

I think what you should do is truly figure out what your scared about when it comes to telling. My W told me, and I even believe she has posted here, that confessing the A meant giving up control. When I didn't know it allowed her to maintain a relationship with OM. She was in total control of their relationship and in control of our marriage. This was after years of therapy. At the time like you, she claimed it was about my feelings. Which was total bull. If it was about my feelings she would have never allowed me to drive myself crazy as I had the internal battle about if she would or wouldn't do this to me.

 

My guess is your husband isn't as clueless as you think. He maybe just convincing himself that you wouldn't do this.

 

You its almost impossible to carry on an affair without signs, its really only a matter of time before he starts to look at you differently.

 

Not to mention, YOU WILL be involved with OM again. Why? Because when you need the nibbles of validation he is right there, justifing all the reasons to maintain a relationship on any level that allows little guilt.

 

If you were serious about ending it and saving your marriage these decisions wouldn't be that hard.

 

Telling hands over control, and would effectively end any and all relationships with OM or maybe the marriage. Is that is your true fear?

[OverIt75]

The damage is already done in your marriage and to your husband, if he knows or not.

 

I think what you should do is truly figure out what your scared about when it comes to telling. My W told me, and I even believe she has posted here, that confessing the A meant giving up control. When I didn't know it allowed her to maintain a relationship with OM. She was in total control of their relationship and in control of our marriage. This was after years of therapy. At the time like you, she claimed it was about my feelings. Which was total bull. If it was about my feelings she would have never allowed me to drive myself crazy as I had the internal battle about if she would or wouldn't do this to me.

 

My guess is your husband isn't as clueless as you think. He maybe just convincing himself that you wouldn't do this.

 

You its almost impossible to carry on an affair without signs, its really only a matter of time before he starts to look at you differently.

 

Not to mention, YOU WILL be involved with OM again. Why? Because when you need the nibbles of validation he is right there, justifing all the reasons to maintain a relationship on any level that allows little guilt.

 

If you were serious about ending it and saving your marriage these decisions wouldn't be that hard.

 

Telling hands over control, and would effectively end any and all relationships with OM or maybe the marriage. Is that is your true fear?

 

Hoping I won't get blasted...I guess I feel like there's no point in me posting here unless I'm honest.

 

Yes. There is a part of me that wants to be able to dive back in if I choose. So yes, there is a control issue. But it would be wrong of me to say that I'm not concerned for my H's feelings. I absolutely am. I will admit that I have selfish motives. Maybe all of my motives, even those that are concerned for my H, are still at their core selfish. What do I do?? How do I do this? I am sorry to say that I have fallen in love. I just keep wishing it away.

[DKT3]

Hoping I won't get blasted...I guess I feel like there's no point in me posting here unless I'm honest.

 

Yes. There is a part of me that wants to be able to dive back in if I choose. So yes, there is a control issue. But it would be wrong of me to say that I'm not concerned for my H's feelings. I absolutely am. I will admit that I have selfish motives. Maybe all of my motives, even those that are concerned for my H, are still at their core selfish. What do I do?? How do I do this? I am sorry to say that I have fallen in love. I just keep wishing it away.

 

What do you do? You make a choice and live with it. Let your husband know and go. You don't seem to love him. He deserves better then being your backup because you can't have your boss.

 

I knew it was the case as soon as I read your story. Let him go

[OverIt75]

What do you do? You make a choice and live with it. Let your husband know and go. You don't seem to love him. He deserves better then being your backup because you can't have your boss.

 

I knew it was the case as soon as I read your story. Let him go

 

This hurts. But I know I'm one to talk.

[DKT3]

This hurts. But I know I'm one to talk.

 

Its not my intent. In these situations, none of us can find our way through to happiness without being honest with ourselves.

 

Its seems your truth is you have replaced your husband in your heart, it may be but most likely isn't REAL. He truly deserves better.

 

You will never make a happy life with your husband as long as you carry this flame for OM. In time you will start to resent him as keeping you apart from your "LOVE".

 

Getting through this means going through this. Get honest with yourself, and your husband. Sometimes it takes the pain for it to become clear.

 

My W thought divorce would be ok, she thought that not having me in her life would be ok. Then she was hit with reality and it all changed.

[OverIt75]

Its not my intent. In these situations, none of us can find our way through to happiness without being honest with ourselves.

 

Its seems your truth is you have replaced your husband in your heart, it may be but most likely isn't REAL. He truly deserves better.

 

You will never make a happy life with your husband as long as you carry this flame for OM. In time you will start to resent him as keeping you apart from your "LOVE".

 

Getting through this means going through this. Get honest with yourself, and your husband. Sometimes it takes the pain for it to become clear.

 

My W thought divorce would be ok, she thought that not having me in her life would be ok. Then she was hit with reality and it all changed.

 

My very painfully honest response is - I want both.

 

I don't really want to trade my H for my AP. They fill different spaces for me. I don't know how else to describe it.

 

My IC asked me if my H would consider an open M. I know he wouldn't! I know you will say, but he's currently in one and doesn't even know...

 

I do love my H. We've been together since I was 20 (19 years). But it mostly feels like we are just good friends now.

 

The other consideration is my children...I want them to feel safe and secure and loved.

 

Again, I know I'm a living, breathing contradiction.

 

Sorry. Just speaking what I'm thinking.

[DKT3]

My very painfully honest response is - I want both.

 

I don't really want to trade my H for my AP. They fill different spaces for me. I don't know how else to describe it.

 

My IC asked me if my H would consider an open M. I know he wouldn't! I know you will say, but he's currently in one and doesn't even know...

 

I do love my H. We've been together since I was 20 (19 years). But it mostly feels like we are just good friends now.

 

The other consideration is my children...I want them to feel safe and secure and loved.

 

Again, I know I'm a living, breathing contradiction.

 

Sorry. Just speaking what I'm thinking.

 

In putting together what you've wrote, and since your being honest, what really happened with the boss? It kinda sounds like he dropped you.

 

As far as filling roles, I know what your talking about. W ap filled a role mainly being there since I traveled for work a lot. I get it. The problem is you have replaced your husband, thus the "more friends" comment. Are you "more friends" with the boss?

 

Again your husband deserves better, of all the reasons you have for staying in the marriage none seem to be him. Time to be a big girl and make big girl decisions. You can't live with status quo.

 

The flip side of an open relationship is that its open. Meaning your husband would also be free. Your not ready for that, too selfish. Your husband being with someone else would crush you.

 

I'm not trying to be harsh, its just that the trees are too tall for you to see the view. The rest of us are hill top watching your speeding train head for the cliff and we are yelling for you to jump off.

 

Like my lady said earlier in this thread, stop making excuses. Make moves. Let him go, allow him to find someone that will love him the way you love the boss, its only fair, right?

Edited July 3, 2014 by DKT3