Jonah Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 I was hoping to be able to have somewhere to turn when/if I feel tempted. I'm not sure if that's what LS will turn out to be for me. But your words of support in doing the right thing and the advice given have had everything to do with me getting through the last week. Thank you. H and I have enjoyed a nice weekend together...lake, friends' house, golf. Have had no desire to reach out to xOM. It's been good. Good to read that you are enjoying the serenity of your domesticated everyday life. This is what they call peace. You really didn't need all that excitement now ...did you? Do keep coming back and posting. This is your anonymous and convenient support group. Your contributions are roots that will keep you from falling over in the whirlwind of life. Your posts support others who are going through the same thing. Everyone has their own way of doing things. Your way is respected. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 (edited) I respectfully distance myself from the overuse and unsolicited word "we". Those were not my words, those are yours. I do not EVER presume to be able to tell a complete stranger if she does or does not get to have HER dignity back just by telling her H. No did I say what is the only right thing to do. Only she can decide that. I do not "pray", I do not believe she is "stealing from him" anything, at best, she is robbing herself, I do not "wish for him to find out for himself", and I do not believe that this is all LS can offer her. It seems to me you believe the only thing to discuss her is a confession. It is not. That was my point. Dude, you're kind of reading way too much into things. When I said "we" I merely meant in the sense of you telling people that they should stop telling her to tell her husband, because it has already been said enough. Is that *not* the jist of what you said in the post I quoted? Maybe I misunderstood you then. After that, any "we's" I used was meant to refer to the attitude a majority of people here tended to have. I really wish you would speak in the personal pronoun "I" unless you have carte blanche permission to twist my and everyone else's post in terms of your perspective, which I respectfully do not grant. Again, reading way too much into things. Honestly, not trying to insult you, but it seems like I have to walk on eggshells around you. Edited July 7, 2014 by Spectre 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 Everyone has their own way of doing things. Your way is respected. Okay wait hold on now, what? Look, she doesn't want to tell her hubby, that is fine. Well no, it isn't fine, but there is nothing we can do and this thread has gone on long enough to the point I don't think anyone could say anything to get her to tell. With all that said, I have to wonder what you mean by "your way is respected". I disagree with that statement heavily. Maybe you are saying you respect her right to choose how she handles this, which is fine..but it comes off like you are saying "your way of not telling your H the truth and lying to him and continuing to be around the other man is respected" which..seems like an odd thing to say. Link to post Share on other sites
bosunmate Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 (edited) As a long ago BH (almost 20 years ago), I greatly prefer/preferred knowing. My wife and I are so over it and I'm thankful WE got that opportunity. It is my opinion that most marriages aren't great. To me it seems impossible to quantify whether any one particular marriage is a healthy, loving, intimate one so it merely becomes a guess at some point and in my estimation, only about 30% of all marriages are good and about 20% great. Taking any one marriage from just good to great is a fairly easy job for counselors; however, taking marriages from bad to good/great is a herculean feet. Marriages with unknown infidelity is one of the reasons it's impossible because it's impossible to polish a turd. Most marriages survive infidelity. Infidelity is often a catalyst for change whereupon a couple comes together and actually work together to take their marriage from bad to good/great. Sure by being honest with your husband you risk him packing up and leaving but, in my opinion, you've already killed the previous stale marriage anyway. Not confessing to your husband is a HUGE mistake. I've met with hundreds of couples who years later either confessed the affair OR had a years before affair partner confess and bust them. Absolutely none of them had a "great" marriage up until that years later D-day point. When people posted that you can NEVER truly reconcile your marriage by keeping the secret, well, that is my personal belief, backed up by years of experience, as well. Now if you don't really want a happy, healthy, intimate marriage, then fine, don't tell. You can stay married keeping the secret, but the consequences of that behavior and keeping that secret will follow you. If you are a Christian, you may be familiar with the phrase … "your sin will find you"….meaning, no matter which way you decide the consequences of sin will happen. So in a way, you get to choose your consequences: I suggest the choice MAY BE: 1. Tell - Risk losing your husband and/or a few years of hardship and struggles in your relationship but hopefully rebuild your marriage making it a GREAT one built upon a a foundation of honesty, integrity and shared history (including the infidelity) 2. Not tell - Keep your husband, struggle for years alone holding in this secret, wondering if and when the bomb will drop and probably suffer emotionally and physically without explanation for the rest of your life AND, most importantly, forever forego having a "great" marriage and the shame of knowing it's your fault. 20 years from now you'll still be bothered by it instead of really "OverIt". Your husband is not your pet. He is also not a child that needs his wife to protect him from the truth. He has the right to know the truth about his life. Give him the chance to fight for you and your marriage. A very high percentage do. It's the right thing to do. ALSO…. You need to fire your counselor. Any counselor that suggests or entertains that you approach your husband about having an open marriage in this situation isn't an asset to you, your marriage or your family and evidently has no understanding about infidelity. I see promising thought processes in your posts. You are being quite honest and forthright with us here on loveshack and you understand you aren't thinking very clearly. I know all the previous posters fact patterns aren't obvious to you but nearly every years long recovered poster that has posted to you recommends you fess up and expose to your husband. Like you…those still in the thick of an affair and/or a new recovery…aren't thinking clearly either and offering up disturbing advice suggesting dishonesty MAY serve you best. It won't. Liars lie, those with integrity, don't. I truly wish you well. Agree with all those that step one is seeking a new job ASAP. I agree with everything this poster has said, therefore there is no more sense in me adding anymore. Over it 75 I really do wish you all the best, I will add though your beautiful weekend with your husband is a lie. I really hope things work out for you. Please read again what Clemson Tiger has said, it is so full of wisdom. It is the story of someone who survived and thrived. And why did they survive ? Because their life together is all about trust and honesty. That's my final words to you, I know you think I have been hard on you and for that I am truly sorry. I have been married 42 years next month and honesty got me there. Good Luck Edited July 7, 2014 by bosunmate Link to post Share on other sites
Jonah Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 I have to wonder what you mean by "your way is respected". Her way is respected by, perhaps not by you but a decent portion of LS participants. Weather you agree that it is respected or not doesn't change the fact that it is. Not everyone respects the president but he is still respected. But by all means, your way is respected as well... including your black and white way of seeing the world. Perhaps not agreed with, but respected all the same. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 (edited) Her way is respected by, perhaps not by you but a decent portion of LS participants. Weather you agree that it is respected or not doesn't change the fact that it is. Not everyone respects the president but he is still respected. But by all means, your way is respected as well... including your black and white way of seeing the world. Perhaps not agreed with, but respected all the same. I'm still confused, you are essentially saying a bunch of people here respect dishonesty and taking away a persons choice of how they live their lives? I don't understand, you just said a decent portion of this board would adhere to the policy of keeping someone in the dark and making a fool of them? I don't get it, most people I come across here..whether or not they think cheating is a deal breaker..seem to at least still believe the person being cheated on has a right to know. We are getting off topic here, but I just find it strange you seem to feel a decent portion of people on the forum feel dishonesty is the way to go. I have to believe in my heart that isn't actually true. Edited July 7, 2014 by Spectre Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 To promote a respectful, and topical, environment, I'll close this up for now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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