Removing myself from the equation

[Scarlet2]

I'm feeling tremendous guilt and fear about being my MM's side piece. The LC and not being able to spend time with him when I want to is constantly eating at me.

 

I don't want to hurt anyone. Especially with how covert ops he is being, his W is going to be completely blindsided if we're ever discovered. I always thought the best place to hide something is right in front of you and then if it's ever discovered, it would lessen the blow somewhat because it would be a "it makes sense" or "I could see how it happened" moment, like the proverbial boss and secretary type affair. This isn't going to be like that at all.

 

I'm afraid that even though he brought me into his marriage, somewhere down the line I feel he's going to end up hating me for causing conflict. But, he only sees me when he initiates it so maybe he'll take full responsibility. Every time I ask to see him on my time table, it's always rejected with some excuse, from being busy or exhausted or previous obligation or family issue so, technically he's choosing to see me on his own without any manipulation from me.

 

I can already sense he is wrestling with some demons though. He pulls away, he comes back, he feels guilt and posts things about repenting or Jesus set us free or if you want something to change let God use the situation you're in. I'm not sure what that last one means but I'm pretty sure I'm the reason he's facebooking that stuff.

 

I know he doesn't want to hurt his W or me, that's why he doesn't end either one but everyone here says his actions prove he wants his W more than he wants me, so should I make the decision for him and remove myself from the equation? If he wants his W, he doesn't need me, right?

 

It's going to hurt me a lot but I'm still worried that I'm going to hurt him by walking away. What should I expect will happen? Will he feel loss? Will he try hard to keep me? Will it bond him back to his W or will it cause more cracks in the marriage since he won't have the distraction anymore?

 

I'd really like to know how MM feel when the OW ended the affair when he wasn't ready for it to end. But I guess each one is different depending on if the OW was just for sex or the love of his life.

 

I just want to know what's going to happen before I do something. I analyzed what would happen before I agreed to this A and I thought it would be different since he is my best friend but it's not how I expected. If anything, I see & talk to him less than I did before it started, it sucks. I even told him maybe we could just skip the sex and discovery day and the fighting and crying and just end the friendship right now before we start this A because if that's going to be the end result anyway, why experience the middle part. Hindsight...

[jwi71]

I'm feeling tremendous guilt and fear about being my MM's side piece. The LC and not being able to spend time with him when I want to is constantly eating at me.

 

This is part and parcel of an A - you KNEW this upfront before you began.

If you underestimated the emotional toll being at his beck and call would take on you - perhaps its time to reconsider the arrangement. After all, having one (or both) parties constrained by a spouse and the want to keep this hidden LEADS to one partner or the other left waiting.

 

I would ask that you consider ending it - but maybe a hobby can keep you distracted....of course, when one needs to find a distraction from something - they aren't actually dealing with it. Just a delay of the inevitable....

 

I don't want to hurt anyone.

 

That boat has sailed.

The only question remaining is: will the W ever know of the hurt?

 

Especially with how covert ops he is being, his W is going to be completely blindsided if we're ever discovered.

 

99.9% of all BS are blindsided.

I didn't catch a whiff until 2 days I "felt something was up".

And those days did zilch in terms of being blindsided.

 

I'm afraid that even though he brought me into his marriage, somewhere down the line I feel he's going to end up hating me for causing conflict.

 

Lets not whitewash your willingness to surreptitiously enter this as well.

And yes - he'll blame you no doubt - far better him to deflect the W's anger at you - makes life easier for him. Can't really blame him really.

 

But, he only sees me when he initiates it so maybe he'll take full responsibility. Every time I ask to see him on my time table, it's always rejected with some excuse, from being busy or exhausted or previous obligation or family issue so, technically he's choosing to see me on his own without any manipulation from me.

 

To repeat - he sees you when it suits him - because he HAS a family to tend to on the side. Hence the term side piece - as in to be seen on the side and when convenient.

 

Not a great way to treat someone in my book.

 

I know he doesn't want to hurt his W or me, that's why he doesn't end either one but everyone here says his actions prove he wants his W more than he wants me, so should I make the decision for him and remove myself from the equation? If he wants his W, he doesn't need me, right?

 

Duh. He wants his wife and family and all the "good family man" stuff AND a side piece of action on the sly. WHY would he pass that up?

 

What should I expect will happen?

 

Idk.

Typically, the MM/MW works hard to protect the family - but in very rare cases they do not. If one plays the odds, expect a bus heading your way.

 

Will he feel loss?

 

Yes.

 

Will he try hard to keep me?

 

As hard as he can w/o jeopardizing his family.

 

Will it bond him back to his W or will it cause more cracks in the marriage since he won't have the distraction anymore?

 

What makes you think he isn't bonded to her? They are still M are they not? Clearly there is something there he wishes to protect giving, in your words, how covert he is. Why would he be covert if there was no need for it? Obviously HE sense a need so he acts to hide it....why is the question. And the answer is easy...

 

I'd really like to know how MM feel when the OW ended the affair when he wasn't ready for it to end. But I guess each one is different depending on if the OW was just for sex or the love of his life.

 

Exactly. He WILL fell loss - but, being as the A is not the primary R - its loss will not be a keen as losing the family. He, like yourself, will recover.

 

I just want to know what's going to happen before I do something.

 

Oh well shyt, lets just for ask for the moon why don't we?

And while we are in fantasy land, I'd totally love a new 2015 Corvette Stingray convertible w/ Z06 option. And Halle Berry.

 

How this ends, no one knows.

If experience and HIS actions are any clue - you hurt on mulitple levels more than he. When the passion fades and your faculties return, intense emotional distress is coming your way - hurt, guilt, self loathing, regret, loss of worth....

 

Its gonna be hard.

But NOT impossible.

With the right mindset, you CAN and WILL grow. Learn. Heal. And love yourself.

 

And when, you have walked that path, you'll be ready to love yourself adn allow yourself to be loved.

 

Look at it like that...its a growth opportunity whose reward is peace, love for yourself and the love of others.

 

Sounds awesome to me...so, lets get started shall we?

[HBIC]

There's this "magical" moment that happens when you realize that no matter what happens to the MM, you just. don't. care. It's when you realize that you are getting treated like a toy on a shelf and you are not actually a toy on a shelf.

 

MM's marriage is his and his wife's business. Consider it a hot mess and walk away. What's going to happen to little boy when his toy goes away? He will be sad until he finds something else to entertain himself with. Again: not your problem.

 

Your problem is that you feel like crap and accept being in that position. WHY?!?! Feel your worth! Tell this guy to take a hike. Then you never, ever have to spend another night worrying about what the hell he is up to or what his s(*&show of a marriage is like.

 

Be the architect of your own destiny.

[still_an_Angel]

Its best to remove yourself from the equation asap and find your place and possibly single partner in the world. You have struggled long enough being his OW and you know in your heart you are not doing the right thing. I understand your concern about leaving MM, how he will cope, if he's going to hold you back, will he miss you, fight for you to stay, so many questions.

 

 

He has been navigating his life way before you came into the picture, he is an adult and he has survived without you. I'm sure his feelings will be hurt, I don't believe all MMs are thick-skinned. The relationship exists, hearts beat, minds meet, how could feelings die just like that? But more than him or his feelings, what about your feelings? What about your future? You cannot wait around for him to be "free". From your previous posts, it appears your MM is not in the lot who will leave his W anytime soon.

 

 

The longer you stay the longer those roots will dig deeper until it becomes harder to disentangle yourself. Not being mean here Scarlet, you know we both belong in the OW camp, but I think you are stronger than me and you're nearly ready to leave.

 

 

Hugs always, Angel

[Lernaean_Hydra]

I'll put it to you like this, if you place so little value on your body, your time and your heart then by all means, continue this affair, continue being the obedient side piece until the day you die. BUT if...IF by some miracle somewhere deep down you know you want more for yourself, walk the hell away.

 

From the tone of your posts I gather you harbor some hope that if yu just hang on long enough, your MM will finally realize you're 'the one' and leave his wife for you. Meanwhile in the real world where I and man others blissfully reside, that's not going to happen. Not by a long shot. In fact, the longer you continue to be his OW the less he respects you and the farther you are away from your goals.

 

MM pay close attention to how much or how little the women around them are willing to put up with and react accordingly. Thus far you have not only shown yourself willing to place second after another woman, you've also shown you're willing to be available to him on his schedule and take his trite excuses in stride.

 

You know what other kind of women are willing to make themselves sexually available solely on a man's time table and only at the place and duration of his choosing? Escorts....beck and call girls. You know the kind of women men, as a general rule, don't pack up and marry? If you answered prostitutes you answered correctly. To stay only further devalues and demoralizes you and tells him you are not worthy of more.

[RegretfulAlways]

In fact, the longer you continue to be his OW the less he respects you and the farther you are away from your goals.

 

MM pay close attention to how much or how little the women around them are willing to put up with and react accordingly. Thus far you have not only shown yourself willing to place second after another woman, you've also shown you're willing to be available to him on his schedule and take his trite excuses in stride.

 

Scarlet2, I know this is hard, but read the above quote over and over. I'll say that this was the biggest motivating factor for me in choosing to walk away from my xMM. You deserve better, and you certainly don't deserve his disrespect. I wish you all the best - it's hard but you can do it. And we'll all be here for you!

 

Good luck.