My girlfriend of 8 years cheated

[Delkil]

For like 6-7 months with another guy. We reconciled and we worked through all (it happened 3 and a half months ago the discovery), solving our problems, became more open and honest with each other.... We kind of started all again our history and now it feels really good to finally be the true 'us' that we never were before. We fell in love again with each other.

 

She told me she was selfish, inmature, remorseful and acting the whole time, pretending to be someone who she is not (apart from going through a depression. I know those are not excuses to cheat but just to give you some info)

 

But I'm worried that it can happen again in the future, or that our old problems appear again, even if she is showing me through actions that she is remorseful and willing to work in our relationship. She threw the other guy under the bus the week of discovery. I have no doubt that she loves me(despite the things she did) and that I love her so much. I just don't know if it's worth it all, considering we are young (she is 22 and I'm 25). What do you think? I know we have to live in the present, and things are good now, but I'm really worried about the 'long run'.

 

Thanks!

Edited June 29, 2014 by Delkil

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, if I were you, I would call it a day on the relationship. I say this because you are both still so young and have been together so long that you likely haven't had the chance to experience life on your own yet. People who begin relationships at such a young age rarely make it long-term, often because you grow and change a lot in your teens and twenties.

 

She deceived you for a good, long while. Three months out is very little time to see if it will work. She essentially destroyed your trust and lied for a long time. How did you find out about this? What is her contact like now with the other guy? I don't know...if it were me, I would have a very difficult time reconciling with someone who was intimate with another person while pretending to be my loyal partner. You aren't married and have no kids. Call me a pessimist, but I would advise you to find someone else who loves you and values your relationship enough not to cheat. She didn't.

[Michelle ma Belle]

But I'm worried that it can happen again in the future...

 

Of course you're worried and rightfully so! She deceived you for more than 6 months!! And of course she's going to through the guy under the bus, why would a cheater take full responsibility for their actions after all?

 

I'm sorry but I have zero tolerance for cheaters so you won't get any warm and fuzzy advice or well wishes from me.

 

Do you really want to spend the rest of your relationship walking on eggshells and wondering if she's f*cking around again? Because that's how it will be. Trust has been shattered.

 

And don't be fooled by this temporary honeymoon phase you're in at the moment. It's quintessential and predictable. Just think about how much longer her affair might have gone on if you hadn't found out?

 

When people show you who they are, believe them. Your girlfriend has cheater stamped on her forehead.

 

Save your dignity and run.

[Keke1]

Of course you're worried and rightfully so! She deceived you for more than 6 months!! And of course she's going to through the guy under the bus, why would a cheater take full responsibility for their actions after all?

 

I'm sorry but I have zero tolerance for cheaters so you won't get any warm and fuzzy advice or well wishes from me.

 

Do you really want to spend the rest of your relationship walking on eggshells and wondering if she's f*cking around again? Because that's how it will be. Trust has been shattered.

 

And don't be fooled by this temporary honeymoon phase you're in at the moment. It's quintessential and predictable. Just think about how much longer her affair might have gone on if you hadn't found out?

 

When people show you who they are, believe them. Your girlfriend has cheater stamped on her forehead.

 

Save your dignity and run.

Yep, exactly this. It's over with you just don't realize it yet.

[Darren Steez]

Sorry for what happened to you man. At the moment everything is nice and loving, maybe the discovery made you realise how much you loved her..on her part I don't know but like you said you've "fallen in love again" so this is like a honeymoon period, but already the questions are starting to come back and you're worrying.

 

Girlfriend of 8 years and she's 22? So you've been dating since she was 14?

I'd say if that was true she simply wanted to have other experiences because you're all she's ever known.

A one time mistake maybe is forgivable but for 6-7 months, that's nearly half a year of lying and sneaking behind your back and at anytime she could have stopped it but only stopped because she got caught.

 

I'd say end it, because again, you (and now this other guy) are all she's ever known, when she gets bored or dare I say horny when she goes out and meets another guy, it might happen, changes are it will, but because the trust is broken you have no way of ever knowing.

[lolablue17]

Yes it can happen again. But it can happen also with your new GF. It can happen with any girl.

 

So if you're looking for some kind of clarity, you won't find any. Yes it's good that she is remorseful but those remorse feelings will not last for ever.

 

If you're trying to figure out the chance for her to cheat again - then you have to put addition elements to the equation, many much more crucial elements like - how many couples in your age last for ever?

[aliveagain]

Cheating on your partner for 6 months takes a lot of planning, this was no simple one night stand. If she dumped him immediately she couldn't have been too emotionally attached to him, so what was she getting from the other man, sex? If this was about sex, how the hell are you going to keep her interested in you for the rest of your life if she needs some strange now before your even married? Once they have proven they can step over the line, it's easier the next time as they have already justified it to themselves.

 

Without some intense independent counselling to find out why she needed validation from other men, you have just seen a preview of what your future with her will look like. What advice would you give to your best friend if you found out his girlfriend was banging someone on the side? You are young, you are on this site because you have concerns and are questioning your decision to stay. I would too specially because she didn't tell you about the affair herself, you caught her, now you question the remorse she is showing you, is it remorse for what she did or is it remorse for being caught?

 

One thing for sure, don't marry her without a bullet proof post nuptial agreement in place because if they can lie and cheat on you before your married, they can lie and cheat on you after you marry them.

[No Limit]

Don't take her 'throwing the other guy under the bus' as a good sign. Who knows, if the right guy turns up in her life she'll do the exact thing with you.

 

Luckily, you're still young.

[Spectre]

This girl did not just cheat once on you, but for 6-7 months straight. That means there were days she woke up planning to betray you, planning to go and get with some other scumbag. You say you "know she loves you" but do you really?

 

Look, don't see your age as an excuse. People can fall in love at any age and a person should more or less know right from wrong by the time they start high school. She knew what she was doing and continued it for 6 months behind your back.

[d0nnivain]

I think this was the 1st crack in the demise of your relationship. You guys started dating as teenagers. The relationship might not be surviving the full transition to adulthood.

 

The logical next step would have been marriage not an affair yet she chose to cheat for a while. This wasn't a one night slip up. . . this was an on-going other relationship. If asked the OM would probably say you weren't treating your GF right & he was there to "save" her. Remember there is always 2 sides.

[Diezel]

Hey OP, go grab a plate. Not a plastic one, porcelain or ceramic is preferable.

Now hold it over your head and drop it on the ground. It'll probably break into a few pieces. Now go get some crazy glue and put it together. The pieces might not fit perfectly together, but at least you have the semblance of what used to be the plate. Even if you do fit it nicely together, there will be still be some cracks visible.

 

That plate is your relationship.

 

It WILL fall again. Got more crazy glue?

[Chi townD]

Problem I'm having is that she threw this guy under the bus AFTER she was caught. She became remorseful AFTER is was caught. So, if you didn't catch her, the affair would probably still be ongoing.

 

 

So, you have to ask yourself, Is she sorry she cheated or sorry that she got caught.

[Miss Awesome]

So when you first got together you were 17 or 18 and she was 14 or 15? Everyone's different, but it seems to me that if you two have been together that long, then neither of you have ever had a chance to see who else is out there. I was 19 when I got into a relationship that lasted almost six years, and even though I was older than she, I was very worried about the fact that I didn't get to have that many experiences as a single person. I think I even had some resentment for my boyfriend because he was older and had much more experience than I did. I know that's sort of off the topic of your question, but I think the age at which you started dating and the length of your relationship has a lot to do with what you've asked.

 

 

As for your specific concern that it may happen again in the future, it's hard to tell. It may, or it may not. I think the real question you have to ask yourself is if you can ever really trust her again. I don't think I could trust someone after he cheated on me, no matter how much he tried to show me he was trustworthy. I would always have that question in the back of my mind, and I think that's toxic for a relationship. I think trust has to be there. As I said before, though, everyone's different. If you can learn to trust her again and are willing to take a chance on her, then go for it. Personally, I wouldn't.

[OwMyEyeball]

The trust is broken. As much as you may will yourself to forgive her, you will never trust her again. And that mistrust, buried as it becomes the more reasons you shovel onto it, will build into a resentment that will find all sorts of painful ways of manifesting itself.

 

You've got a painful adjustment period to experience, but will be much better off as you begin to understand and accept yourself outside of the identity forged through your relationship.

[Delkil]

Thank you all for your comments. She saw all the pain she caused so it makes me hard to think that she could do it again. Right now, even if my trust is being repaired we are having a good summer together. I hope it's not all an illusion

[changchewsoon]

Let me share with you my side of the story, perhaps it'll give you some insights and help you make a better decision.

 

I was with my ex for almost 2 years, and I found out that she cheated on me for the past 6 months. She slept with the guy in less than 2 months after knowing him.

 

So I dropped her in a heartbeat, severed all contact and went straight to strict NC.

 

Of course, she came begging and pleading, calling my cell like a mad woman, sending ridiculous amount of texts, stalking me on Facebook, waited in front of my house inside her car until she ran out of gas, got her best friend to call me, etc.

 

This has been going on for weeks, and in between I know she still continues to see the guy and continues to have sex with him.

 

So, just to prove a point that once a cheater always a cheater, I told her fine everyone makes mistake and I'll consider giving her a chance. So we made up, or so she was led to believe that we reconciled and we have make up sex.

 

The next day, we had lunch and we parted ways. She told me she's going home while she is actually meeting up with the other guy. I don't even need to snoop on her phone as I know a leopard can't shed its spots and she's thinking now that she has things under control she can continue to eat her cake.

 

The same afternoon, I called her mobile and called her bluffs. I said I know that she is currently now with the guy, and she was so shocked and went quiet for about 30 seconds, and she hung up.

 

She has forgotten that I actually have the contact of the other guy because I managed to email the entire Whatsapp conversation between her and the guy while she was cheating on me. How I managed to do it was because she left her phone unguarded one day while having lunch at my place, and the preview messages of the phone gave away as I see someone calling her "baby" and such, so I open up the phone and the rest was history.

 

So what I did was I screen cap all the pleadings and nasty things she said about the other guy while trying to reconcile with me and sent it over to the guy.

 

I'll save the rest in another thread if I decide to share my story, as it is another episode altogether.

 

However, the message I am trying to send here is that although I am not saying that all woman are cheaters forever once they cheated, but the chances of them cheating again is very likely even they might have shown you that they are really remorseful and wanted to make things better. But again, that is my personal opinion.

 

I do not tolerate cheaters, and I definitely am not going to let myself be treated like a doormat.

 

If today you are married to her and you have kids together, yes probably it is worth considering giving her a chance and reconcile for the sake of the children.

 

Else, I would advise you to just walk away and find someone who will not cheat on you. You definitely deserve better.

[Diezel]

Thank you all for your comments. She saw all the pain she caused so it makes me hard to think that she could do it again. Right now, even if my trust is being repaired we are having a good summer together. I hope it's not all an illusion

 

I hate to be the villain of the movie here, but it IS an illusion.

 

Once things subside again, she WILL do it again.

Had it been a 1 time thing or maybe at most 3-4 times, I COULD understand.

 

But 6 months is 24 weeks of her NOT giving a DAMN about your relationship or your feelings or her own self-respect.

 

You'll be back posting again. Every time she runs off into another room with her phone. Or she says she's having a GNO, you'll be having doubts. Right now that thing in between her legs has you confused and you feel great because she seems remorseful...

 

Buddy, it was SIX MONTHS.

 

Imagine what kind of hell you'd have to face from ANY woman if they found out you cheated for SIX MONTHS with the same woman.

 

Best of luck, you are going to need it.

[Delkil]

I hate to be the villain of the movie here, but it IS an illusion.

 

Once things subside again, she WILL do it again.

Had it been a 1 time thing or maybe at most 3-4 times, I COULD understand.

 

But 6 months is 24 weeks of her NOT giving a DAMN about your relationship or your feelings or her own self-respect.

 

You'll be back posting again. Every time she runs off into another room with her phone. Or she says she's having a GNO, you'll be having doubts. Right now that thing in between her legs has you confused and you feel great because she seems remorseful...

 

Buddy, it was SIX MONTHS.

 

Imagine what kind of hell you'd have to face from ANY woman if they found out you cheated for SIX MONTHS with the same woman.

 

Best of luck, you are going to need it.

 

Diezel, don't hate to be the the villain, I really appreciate your words. You seem like a person with a lot of experience (I don't know if also in something like this, I hope not) and everything counts. I'm just trying to gather experiences and some advices for this situation.

 

The things that worries me most now is not if she does it again, because apart from what I said before, if she did she knows she has more to loose than I do and she would loose me forever. It is that if now that we are more honest with each other, share more things, respect each other and so on ... if these things are just temporary and the 'old us' will appear again. I don't know, I find it hard to believe that people can change how are they are. So I'm worried about that.

[aliveagain]

Diezel, don't hate to be the the villain, I really appreciate your words. You seem like a person with a lot of experience (I don't know if also in something like this, I hope not) and everything counts. I'm just trying to gather experiences and some advices for this situation.

 

The things that worries me most now is not if she does it again, because apart from what I said before, if she did she knows she has more to loose than I do and she would loose me forever. It is that if now that we are more honest with each other, share more things, respect each other and so on ... if these things are just temporary and the 'old us' will appear again. I don't know, I find it hard to believe that people can change how are they are. So I'm worried about that.

 

 

You have reason to be worried, 6 months is a long time and a very calculated action. This was no drunken one night stand, her infidelity was planned. I am not sure you get the difference. I would have a hard time forgiving something that intentional against me but this is your life and you can use it any way you want to.

[Spectre]

OP think of this another way, it is a tragedy if you are pulling out of your garage tomorrow and accidentally run someone over whom you did not see whilst backing up, but it is murder if you go out speeding and aiming at pedestrians and trying to mow them down on purpose.

 

OP, what your girl did was not a mere accidental run over, she had you clear in the headlights before she put her foot on the gas, you get what I am saying?

[Delkil]

I know, guys, that it was completely horrible and selfish from her what she did. I don't doubt that. The things is that after 4 months we are having a great time together and reconnecting so at least there was something good which came out of it. I just hope this continues to be this way, and I learn to trust her again completely. She is doing everything fine now and treating me like a king. She says she doesn't deserve me and that she is the luckiest girl in the world because I forgave her and I'm still with her. She has been beating herself dor what she did for a long time. So I think that things are going to be alright. Does it still look really bad the situation for you people?

Edited July 5, 2014 by Delkil

[ExpatInItaly]

I know, guys, that it was completely horrible and selfish from her what she did. I don't doubt that. The things is that after 4 months we are having a great time together and reconnecting so at least there was something good which came out of it. I just hope this continues to be this way, and I learn to trust her again completely. She is doing everything fine now and treating me like a king. She says she doesn't deserve me and that she is the luckiest girl in the world because I forgave her and I'm still with her. She has been beating herself dor what she did for a long time. So I think that things are going to be alright. Does it still look really bad the situation for you people?

 

Yes, unfortunately, it does. She is a liar. She willingly and purposely deceived you for a long time. Imagine how many times she told you she was busy or tired, but in reality was with her secret boyfriend. Think about the lies she told you straight to your face while allowing another man to enter her. That would be it for me. I would never be able to get past that. In my opinion, she has already moved on from you. But she is scared to be alone.

[ktya]

For like 6-7 months with another guy. We reconciled and we worked through all (it happened 3 and a half months ago the discovery), solving our problems, became more open and honest with each other.... We kind of started all again our history and now it feels really good to finally be the true 'us' that we never were before. We fell in love again with each other.

 

She told me she was selfish, inmature, remorseful and acting the whole time, pretending to be someone who she is not (apart from going through a depression. I know those are not excuses to cheat but just to give you some info)

 

But I'm worried that it can happen again in the future, or that our old problems appear again, even if she is showing me through actions that she is remorseful and willing to work in our relationship. She threw the other guy under the bus the week of discovery. I have no doubt that she loves me(despite the things she did) and that I love her so much. I just don't know if it's worth it all, considering we are young (she is 22 and I'm 25). What do you think? I know we have to live in the present, and things are good now, but I'm really worried about the 'long run'.

 

Thanks!

 

Walk. I come from experience, my girlfriend of 7 years did a similar thing with a long term affair. We got engaged a year later as i held hope like you are. The trust issues would pop up all the time. Why did we break up? Because she cheated on me again, at least twice.

 

If she got drunk and some super hot dude put the mack on her and it was only one crazy night, you might be able to work it out. But she was living a double life deceiving you for a long time. The trust issues that you will have over this will eat you up for years even if you break up with her yesterday. You will think in your head over and over every little thing she told you during the affair was a lie. When she said she wanted to marry you one day did she mean that? When she said she was going to the store did she really? Trivial crap will eat you alive.

 

Dont waste a couple years like i did. Its hard after 8 years but you have to look out for number one.

[Keke1]

Walk. I come from experience, my girlfriend of 7 years did a similar thing with a long term affair. We got engaged a year later as i held hope like you are. The trust issues would pop up all the time. Why did we break up? Because she cheated on me again, at least twice.

 

If she got drunk and some super hot dude put the mack on her and it was only one crazy night, you might be able to work it out. But she was living a double life deceiving you for a long time. The trust issues that you will have over this will eat you up for years even if you break up with her yesterday. You will think in your head over and over every little thing she told you during the affair was a lie. When she said she wanted to marry you one day did she mean that? When she said she was going to the store did she really? Trivial crap will eat you alive.

 

Dont waste a couple years like i did. Its hard after 8 years but you have to look out for number one.

I wouldn't even after a drunken escapade. What kind of respect would I have for myself if I allow that kind of betrayal to pass?

[soccerrprp]

If today you are married to her and you have kids together, yes probably it is worth considering giving her a chance and reconcile for the sake of the children.

 

Interesting story. For me, married or no, any form of infidelity is grounds for a break-up or divorce. No (ZERO) tolerance for me. Kids or no....reconciliation would be impossible for me.

 

Most women who cheat do so b/c they are emotionally neglected. Was your relationship sound?