My girlfriend of 8 years cheated

[soccerrprp]

I have no doubt that she loves me(despite the things she did) and that I love her so much.

 

I'm not omniscient, but I seriously doubt that you don't have doubts that she loves you. BTW, cheating is not an act of love by any stretch of the imagination.

[Spectre]

I know, guys, that it was completely horrible and selfish from her what she did. I don't doubt that. The things is that after 4 months we are having a great time together and reconnecting so at least there was something good which came out of it. I just hope this continues to be this way, and I learn to trust her again completely. She is doing everything fine now and treating me like a king. She says she doesn't deserve me and that she is the luckiest girl in the world because I forgave her and I'm still with her. She has been beating herself dor what she did for a long time. So I think that things are going to be alright. Does it still look really bad the situation for you people?

 

Here is the thing though..of course she is treating you like a king. She cheated on you and she wants you to forgive her. Most women know how hard this would be for a guy to get over, so of course she is going to be going all out. The thing of it is..you feel that is a good thing, but it isn't. To be blunt, I will not say that a cheater doesn't have to do some serious ass kissing if they want forgiveness, but at the same time there also needs to be normalcy, by that I mean you guys acting like usual, before she cheated..since I'm assuming she didn't treat you like a "king".

 

The situation to me does look really bad though. She cheated on you for months straight. It takes a certain kind of cruelty and disrespect to look someone in the eye a lot all the while knowing you are cheating..and she did this for over half a year. Think about how long that really is. Based on that alone, I would advise you to leave. She can treat you like a king all she wants, but my thing is..you said your relationship is stronger, but for me I would say I would not want to be a part of any relationship that requires betrayal and cheating to be strengthened.

[changchewsoon]

Interesting story. For me, married or no, any form of infidelity is grounds for a break-up or divorce. No (ZERO) tolerance for me. Kids or no....reconciliation would be impossible for me.

 

Most women who cheat do so b/c they are emotionally neglected. Was your relationship sound?

 

+1 on what you just said, hence I wanted to share my story hoping to give some insights to the thread owner.

 

I would say our relationship back then was overall good, however just like any other couples we have our ups and downs. We'll disagree and argue over stuffs but then we'll make up right after that.

 

I certainly wouldn't take the blame that she cheated just because she wasn't emotionally fulfilled.

 

Some woman is just insecure regardless of what you do, and I tend to think that is how my ex was, along with some other traits of BPD.

[salparadise]

Well, I read the whole thread and the once-a-cheater, black & white perspective seems to be unanimous. I agree with everyone else for the most part... the trust has been broken and even if repaired it's never going to be the same. You know that she was capable of deceiving you over a long period of time. You might be able to forgive, but you will never forget. All very true.

 

However, if you actually can forgive, and if she is truly remorseful, completely committed to you and has undertaken serious introspection and transformation, it's not impossible that you could have a successful enduring relationship. But these are mighty big ifs, and she is still very young to have the maturity to accomplish all of this.

 

The biggest question is why. Do either of you actually know why? What character/personality traits must be present for it to have been ongoing for that length of time? How did she justify it? How could she have had such lack of remorse that it didn't tear her apart while it was going on? Is she basically disingenuous, willing and able to deceive even in small ways, and in other areas of her life? How is she with her friends and family? Is she capable of other-focused, mature love and commitment?

 

These are questions you need to find the answers to. You need to get some objectivity and not be persuaded simply because you're having a good summer and she's putting on the dog to effect the reconciliation.

 

Soccerprp says most women cheat because they are emotionally neglected. I'm sure that's the case sometimes, but I think more often it's just what they say to turn it around and make it the other person's fault. I think cheaters usually have a deficit in their sense of self, combined with lack of empathy, lack of remorse, selfishness, disingenuousness and ability to easily disengage from emotional bonds in an uncaring, detached kind of way. In other words, many of the same characteristics you'd see in sociopathy. OP, you need some macro perspective on this I believe.

[Spectre]

I think when an affair is carried on for months then it really is black and white. Or rather, any affair that has more then a few occasions, because by then what you are doing has had plenty of time to sink in, and you still do it. If a woman can look you in the eye for months straight and lie..then she doesn't love you.

 

To those that think she could possibly love this guy, or that any woman could legitimately be in love with a man and cheat for months, to those people I ask: If I was dating a woman and every day for 6 months straight I got up and punched her in the face. Would you say I love this woman? Probably not, right? Yeah..here is the whole thing there now: punching someone in the face is far less hurtful then your partner for nearly a decade having an affair. So unless you feel I could punch a woman in the face everyday for 6 months straight and still love her..well, you guys get the point, yes?

[bubbaganoosh]

Look. It's one thing if it was a one time deal. People make mistakes and IMO cheating is a deal breaker but there are some that can overcome cheating and I respect them for it.

 

In your case this happened over a 6 or 7 month period with the other guy. Now lets use some common sense here OK. If it happened once and then she got that "Oh $h!t moment" and realized what she just did and told you about it, it's one thing, but she's had how many "Oh $h!t moments" in 6 or 7 months. Each time she got in bed and did the deed with this guy, she knew what she was doing. She knew it was wrong. She knew she was cheating. She knew she was disrespecting you and your relationship all this time and didn't bat an eyelash.

 

Now she's begging you for a chance to reconcile and I got a feeling that it's only because she got caught and she's trying to regain some of her dignity......................at your expense.

 

If this is the type of woman you want in your life, then by all means, swallow all the bull $h!t she spoon feeds you and your in for a real rough and tumble ride so hold on.

 

Or you can start thinking with your big head and realize that you deserve better. Remember, this was a 6 or 7 month period of cheating, not a one night stand so maybe you better wake up and look around and see that there are plenty of women out there that have a whole lot better moral character than what you have now in her.

 

Your life, not ours. Your happiness, not ours. You got our opinion from people that have been there and done that so we know what were talking about so you think about it.

[Keke1]

Look. It's one thing if it was a one time deal. People make mistakes and IMO cheating is a deal breaker but there are some that can overcome cheating and I respect them for it.

 

In your case this happened over a 6 or 7 month period with the other guy. Now lets use some common sense here OK. If it happened once and then she got that "Oh $h!t moment" and realized what she just did and told you about it, it's one thing, but she's had how many "Oh $h!t moments" in 6 or 7 months. Each time she got in bed and did the deed with this guy, she knew what she was doing. She knew it was wrong. She knew she was cheating. She knew she was disrespecting you and your relationship all this time and didn't bat an eyelash.

 

Now she's begging you for a chance to reconcile and I got a feeling that it's only because she got caught and she's trying to regain some of her dignity......................at your expense.

 

If this is the type of woman you want in your life, then by all means, swallow all the bull $h!t she spoon feeds you and your in for a real rough and tumble ride so hold on.

 

Or you can start thinking with your big head and realize that you deserve better. Remember, this was a 6 or 7 month period of cheating, not a one night stand so maybe you better wake up and look around and see that there are plenty of women out there that have a whole lot better moral character than what you have now in her.

 

Your life, not ours. Your happiness, not ours. You got our opinion from people that have been there and done that so we know what were talking about so you think about it.

 

How can some of you go along with this one time ****? How would you even know it was truly one time? Would it be because she/he told you? Great believe in a known liar. Im walking every single time. The weight that would be on my mind when she isnt around would be unbearable

[Spectre]

Even one time for me is also a deal breaker, it should never happen. People will always make mistakes and of course you will always have problems in relationships since none of them are perfect. But if your love for your partner isn't strong enough to make you 100% faithful then for me it is just not worth rekindling. I'd rather be with someone who loves me 100%, and who respects the boundaries of which lines you can and cannot cross.

[Diezel]

By going back with her, you are covertly telling her that it is okay for her to cheat on you for 6-7 months and that you will take her back no matter what.

 

Good luck with the trust issues, they WILL pop up again.

[Delkil]

By going back with her, you are covertly telling her that it is okay for her to cheat on you for 6-7 months and that you will take her back no matter what.

 

Good luck with the trust issues, they WILL pop up again.

 

You have a good point there. I thought about that, but I told her that it wasn't ok what she did at all. I'm just proving her that I love her, despite what she did, that before she was the woman that I wanted to marry and have children with, and that once the 'evil' her version that she showed those months dissapear I'm willing to give her that chance again. She has so many good qualities, I think she would make the perfect mum.

 

I have to add that the first year of our relationship I felt so attracted to a girl that I ended up kissing her a couple days. She had a boyfriend, too. I was 17 at that time, and really inmmature but I would never do that again. I know what she did was worst and can't compare but I'm not an angel neither.

[Keke1]

You have a good point there. I thought about that, but I told her that it wasn't ok wasn't ok what she did at all. I'm just proving her that I love her, despite what she did, that before she was the woman that I wanted to marry and have children with, and that once the 'evil' her version that she showed those months dissapear I'm willing to give her that chance again. She has so many good qualities, I think she would make the perfect mum.

 

I have to add that the first year of our relationship I felt so attracted to a girl that I ended up kissing her a couple days. She had a boyfriend, too. I was 17 at that time, and really inmmature but I would never do that again. I know what she did was worst and can't compare but I'm not an angel neither.

 

Dude you are really minimalising her betrayal. Do you think you can't find anyone else? What if her "evil" version returns a year from now? Do you waste more of your time and life waiting for her to get back good?

[No Limit]

You have a good point there. I thought about that, but I told her that it wasn't ok what she did at all. I'm just proving her that I love her, despite what she did, that before she was the woman that I wanted to marry and have children with, and that once the 'evil' her version that she showed those months dissapear I'm willing to give her that chance again. She has so many good qualities, I think she would make the perfect mum.

 

I have to add that the first year of our relationship I felt so attracted to a girl that I ended up kissing her a couple days. She had a boyfriend, too. I was 17 at that time, and really inmmature but I would never do that again. I know what she did was worst and can't compare but I'm not an angel neither.

 

The mom of your children, or the children or her other partners?

You telling her that you don't think it's okay means nothing, actions speak louder than words. And if both of you have betrayed each others trust, you're a time bomb just waiting for the end to come.

[Delkil]

I know guys, I get what you are saying, and despite my replies I agree with you. The thing is that now that she's been so remorseful, has beaten herself over and over for what she did (the guilt has eaten her so much) and is truly commited to me I find it really hard not to stay with her. Her actions are speaking now louder than her words. I know what she did, and I should have dumped her as soon as I found out but I truly love and she makes me happy. Wr have been rebuilding our trust now so the only things that worries me now is that we are young (in our early twenties) so I think that it was too early for all this drama as we have our whole life ahead.

Edited July 11, 2014 by Delkil